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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:

ofwarren · 19/02/2022 20:41

Could she possibly be vulnerable and he's her carer?

Original poster

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:43

@ofwarren

Could she possibly be vulnerable and he's her carer?

That's entirely possible, I don't know.

Shouldn't do the hospital have informed me about this if this was the case?

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 19/02/2022 20:43

Pre covid on the post natal ward men could stay all the time. But not on the pre natal ward.

Simply ask in the morning what the rules are about partners staying.

And get bouncing on a ball, still time for baby to move

Dishwashersaurous · 19/02/2022 20:45

So on the post natal ward the set up is the same bed wise but with babies obviously. So you could easily be sharing the room with six or eight men depending on the size of the ward

KilmordenCastle · 19/02/2022 20:46

I couldn't have cared for my baby alone in the 24 hours after having her. I was very unwell and too weak to pick her up to feed/change her. I guess the hospital staff were too busy to be able to help me every time I needed to care for my baby so they let my DH stay the first night.

If your DH wasn't allowed to stay then that must be the hospital's rule so I would imagine there must be a valid reason for them to make an exception.

LawnFever · 19/02/2022 20:46

Would you like your husband to stay? I think it’s fair to politely ask why he was asked to leave.

cheekychaplin · 19/02/2022 20:46

Shouldn't do the hospital have informed me about this if this was the case?

No. You have absolutely no rights to be told of a woman is vulnerable.

Original poster

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:47

@KilmordenCastle

If your DH wasn't allowed to stay then that must be the hospital's rule so I would imagine there must be a valid reason for them to make an exception.

But this isn't a ward for mothers with newborns.

It is a ward for pregnant women.

OP posts:

Zonder · 19/02/2022 20:47

I've never known a man be allowed to stay overnight in the maternity hospital. It definitely didn't happen when I had mine. I'd be asking for sure.

Firstbornunicorn · 19/02/2022 20:49

I’d say it’s likely he has medical power of attorney or is her carer. My friend’s husband was allowed to stay overnight for those reasons. She was scared that other women would kick up a fuss and discharged herself early because the prospect made her so anxious.

Original poster

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:49

@LawnFever

Would you like your husband to stay? I think it’s fair to politely ask why he was asked to leave.

I don't want my husband to stay with me during the night.

I wonder why he was told he couldn't stay (although he had no intention of staying anyway) and this other man is staying in our room all night.

OP posts:

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/02/2022 20:49

@KilmordenCastle

If your DH wasn't allowed to stay then that must be the hospital's rule so I would imagine there must be a valid reason for them to make an exception.

Even if this was about a ward for new mothers I had a c section with spinal block and couldn't pick my baby up first night and my then DP couldn't stay the night

MartinMartinMarti · 19/02/2022 20:50

@cheekychaplin

Shouldn't do the hospital have informed me about this if this was the case?

No. You have absolutely no rights to be told of a woman is vulnerable.

She’s not asking to be told of another woman is vulnerable, she’s asking to be informed if there is a male non-patient staying on the ward.

Which should go without saying, but I suspect doesn’t.

Tsuni · 19/02/2022 20:50

Why would the hospital tell you if he was the woman's carer? That is private information.

BestKnitterInScotland · 19/02/2022 20:51

@ofwarren

Could she possibly be vulnerable and he's her carer?

She is in hospital.

The staff are there to do the caring. Not a random man. What's more likely - that she is vulnerable and rather than put her in a room by herself with her carer the staff have put the pair of them on a standard ward, OR she's a cheeky fucker who doesn't see why her partner should go home?

Yes complain OP, it's really inappropriate.

Sirzy · 19/02/2022 20:51

There will be a reason he has been allowed to stay. Ideally though that should be in a side room for the sake of everyone involved.

OfstedOffred · 19/02/2022 20:52

You would be surprised, there could be all sorts going on that you wouldnt be aware of. Some hospitals are incredibly insensitive and leave women going through miscarriages sharing wards with pregnant women continuing their pregnancies.

Generally speaking if you are pregnant and you get admitted there's a reason why you/baby need more monitoring, lots of those reasons are scary things where you could lose the baby, I can think of many reasons why a hospital might allow a woman's husband to stay and support her.

Usually there's a constant flow of nurses, doctors & other HCPs around the ward at all times and any of those could also be male too......

Original poster

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:54

I don't expect the hospital to give me private details about a patient.

I expect them to inform me if a male, that isn't a patient, is staying in my room all night while I am sleeping and in a vulnerable state.

Especially since my husband was told he couldn't stay.

OP posts:

Icantgetalifeifmyheartsnotinit · 19/02/2022 20:54

Someone complained - loudly to the midwives - about a friend of mine having her husband on the prenatal ward with her - she was in very early induced labour with her baby who had died and was stillborn.

You don't know why he's there so just let it go.

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 20:54

Complain.

Lochroy · 19/02/2022 20:56

No one can really tell you what the rules are because it varies by trust. However, if it isn't explicitly obvious that men are permitted to stay, especially since it isn't a post natal ward, then of course you should be informed and have every right to complain. I would have hated this.

Lou573 · 19/02/2022 20:56

Complain! Pre covid there was a horrible man staying with the woman opposite me on an antenatal ward, who watched loud movies half the night, farted with abandon and snored at a deafening level. It was horrible. Thank god a stricter midwife kicked him out on my second night.

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 20:57

The other woman might be vulnerable but if so she should be in a side room.

The other women in the room might also be vulnerable. Why should a woman with trauma end up harmed or discharging herself prematurely because she's been forced into such an inappropriate situation? She shouldn't.

Complain.

StoneofDestiny · 19/02/2022 20:57

Never heard of it in a maternity ward - but a lot has changed since I had my children.
I have stayed overnight in a ward with my adult son (a chair bed next to the bed) as he was at deaths door and being transferred to another hospital early in the morning. The other men in the ward were consulted about my presence.

HappyDays40 · 19/02/2022 20:58

It isn't about you or your husband. It's her confidentiality.

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