to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

[isthisnormal12]

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP HAS UPDATED TWICE TO SAY SHE HAS ENQUIRED

Apparently partners are allowed on the ward if the mother is being induced or in labour and waiting for a birthing suite. She assumes this woman is being induced.

So OP is fine now she understands what the policy is.

@TyrantosaurusRex

I'm interested to hear how those women without their DP cope with the care of their baby after c-section? I was paralysed below the breasts for hours...absolutely no way I could care for my baby alone, and the midwives were lovely but too understaffed to be coming every time my baby needed to be picked up to cuddle or change a nappy or breastfeed and then put down again, as well as see to me & all other mum's & babies. I'm really grateful DH was allowed to stay during that time to ensure that we were both looked after.

Also, morally I think it's right that DH did those things, as they're his responsibility, and these tasks needed no medical training and therefore not taking time away from the highly valuable time & energy of the midwives.

My mum had my younger sister in 1991 by planned CS after having me in 1989 by planned CS, and she remembers DSis being placed onto her by the midwives around lunchtime and not being able to get hold of anyone to take baby off her until my dad came in around dinner time when he was able to get away from work (was working all the hours god gave due to the recession at that point). She said it was horribly different to her experience with me 2 years earlier when dad was able to stay - the midwives all knew she was on her second CS and just assumed she was fine with everything. So I guess it’s not new, although it is terribly depressing that 30 years later it only seems to have got worse.

I have my first CS with my second child later this year and I am trying to juggle things as much as possible to have DH on the ward with me for as long as he can.

Jeez!! Pull your curtain and leave them be!!

@Icantgetalifeifmyheartsnotinit

Someone complained - loudly to the midwives - about a friend of mine having her husband on the prenatal ward with her - she was in very early induced labour with her baby who had died and was stillborn.

You don't know why he's there so just let it go.

Agree with this !

@JustAnotherPoster00

Especially since my husband was told he couldn't stay

So you're jealous that her husband could stay and yours couldn't? You'd have happily put other women in the position you're currently decrying if your husband was able to stay?

That wasn’t what she meant and you know it.

My husband was allowed to stay with me after one birth, when I was too unwell to wake and feed the baby in the night. But we were given a private room for that purpose.

On the main ward, it wouldn’t have been allowed or on pre-natal. On that ward, we often had women in labour who weren’t allowed to be transferred to labour ward yet. They were sometimes distressed, very vulnerable and one gave birth on the floor! (Not “too early” after all)

I was left down there after my waters broke and they were all over the floor, women were having internals and the conversations could he heard throughout the ward. Not an appropriate place for an unknown male to be at all.

It’s a hospital not a hotel. If you don’t even know for sure that the husband was in the room, then it’s hardly affected you.

I’m horrified at the indignities that women are just expected to put up with at their most vulnerable. In childbirth and immediately post natal you regularly have medics doing checks/ procedures on your vagina, and of course, your breasts on display as you juggle with breastfeeding. Midwives and hcas are bloody awful for just whipping the curtains open with no notice; or leaving them open when leaving: when you can’t physically move to close them.

So fuck that. I don’t want your partner about the ward any longer than he needs to be.

You are being ridiculous There is clearly a reason he is there and it's none of your business

I would just ask why he is allowed to stay and your husband wasn't

The midwives made an exception for me in the pre natal ward and also when I was ready admitted when I had mastitis. I didn't ask either time. It was in private room though both times and he slept on the cold hard floor 😂. I wouldn't have inflicted that on others in a shared ward though, but maybe the woman was absolutely desperate.

*I'm interested to hear how those women without their DP cope with the care of their baby after c-section? I was paralysed below the breasts for hours...absolutely no way I could care for my baby alone, and the midwives were lovely but too understaffed to be coming every time my baby needed to be picked up to cuddle or change a nappy or breastfeed and then put down again, as well as see to me & all other mum's & babies. I'm really grateful DH was allowed to stay during that time to ensure that we were both looked after.

Also, morally I think it's right that DH did those things, as they're his responsibility, and these tasks needed no medical training and therefore not taking time away from the highly valuable time & energy of the midwives.*

If you were paralysed below the breasts for hours the midwives should have been closely monitoring you and caring for you.
It is THEIR responsibility not your husband's. And they should have been helping you to breastfeed. What does a know father know about that?

The babies are also the midwives' patients and responsibility so no, morally it is not the father's responsibility.

When I was a student midwife we had a book in which we had to record when each baby had last fed and hand it to the midwife in charge at the end of the shift. This way any baby that was sleepy or for some other reason hadn't fed for several hours would be picked up.

After I qualified and went to a different hospital I recall a woman whose first baby had suffered significant brain damage as a result of hypoglycaemia due to not being fed for nearly 24 hours. She was of a culture that didn't believe colostrum was good for babies, and her English was poor a and she hadn't realised the baby needed to feed and no one had picked up that there was a problem. Suffice to say that cost the hospital concerned a significant pay out. So that old fashioned feeding book handed to the midwife in charge has its place imo.
A midwife caring for a woman with a dense epidural should also be checking on the baby.

The lack of organised postnatal care these days is shocking, I'm really surprised there aren't more disasters, though obstetrics is the leading cause of compensation payouts.

Makes you wonder why MW's are even needed on wards with all these wonderful helpful partners who can't be managed without.

I'll give you another one.
When my sister had her first baby her husband and I arrived to visit several hours after he had been born, and as we walked in the midwife was running out calling for help. My sister had had a significant post partum haemorrhage and blood was dripping onto the floor. They rushed her to theatre and didn't find anything but a bladder full of urine preventing the uterus from contracting properly. She was a physiotherapist and had been up and about and going to the toilet and thought she had been peeing OK but clearly hadn't been properly emptying her bladder.

When I then went on to train as a midwife the hospital was very strict around this. We weren't allowed to transfer a woman off labour ward until she had pee'd. Once I told the midwife the woman didn't want to - "have you sat her on a bed pan and tried?" she asked before sending me back clutching the dreaded bed pan. Sure enough she pee'd. There is a natural process of post partum diuresis after birth and the bladder soon fills, and can overfill making it difficult to pass urine or properly empty the bladder.
We had to measure and record the first three times the women passed urine. I understood why as a result of what happened to my sister.
We all know no one is checking this now.

@BoodleBug51

Makes you wonder why MW's are even needed on wards with all these wonderful helpful partners who can't be managed without.

Because they have to deliver the babies.

Care during my time on the labour ward was absolutely first rate. I doubt you could pay for better.

Once I was out of HDU it was like a ghost town and no one helped me in the night despite my ringing and crying.

I'm hope you and your baby are doing ok OP and that you got some rest

I feel like if our hospitals were designed better (and staffed better) this wouldn't be an issue in the first place

In other countries it is standard for women to have their own rooms which would avoid these issues

@FannyCann

*I'm interested to hear how those women without their DP cope with the care of their baby after c-section? I was paralysed below the breasts for hours...absolutely no way I could care for my baby alone, and the midwives were lovely but too understaffed to be coming every time my baby needed to be picked up to cuddle or change a nappy or breastfeed and then put down again, as well as see to me & all other mum's & babies. I'm really grateful DH was allowed to stay during that time to ensure that we were both looked after.

Also, morally I think it's right that DH did those things, as they're his responsibility, and these tasks needed no medical training and therefore not taking time away from the highly valuable time & energy of the midwives.*

If you were paralysed below the breasts for hours the midwives should have been closely monitoring you and caring for you.
It is THEIR responsibility not your husband's. And they should have been helping you to breastfeed. What does a know father know about that?

The babies are also the midwives' patients and responsibility so no, morally it is not the father's responsibility.

When I was a student midwife we had a book in which we had to record when each baby had last fed and hand it to the midwife in charge at the end of the shift. This way any baby that was sleepy or for some other reason hadn't fed for several hours would be picked up.

After I qualified and went to a different hospital I recall a woman whose first baby had suffered significant brain damage as a result of hypoglycaemia due to not being fed for nearly 24 hours. She was of a culture that didn't believe colostrum was good for babies, and her English was poor a and she hadn't realised the baby needed to feed and no one had picked up that there was a problem. Suffice to say that cost the hospital concerned a significant pay out. So that old fashioned feeding book handed to the midwife in charge has its place imo.
A midwife caring for a woman with a dense epidural should also be checking on the baby.

The lack of organised postnatal care these days is shocking, I'm really surprised there aren't more disasters, though obstetrics is the leading cause of compensation payouts.

I had my first child almost 20 years ago and I was left holding my baby, alone, in a labour room after they’d kicked my husband out, for 2 hours, unable to move due to an epidural and unable to reach the call button. I was literally screaming for someone to help me after 3 days in labour holding my baby terrified I’d fall asleep and drop her and she would die. It’s not a new thing.

@littlemissmagic

I'm hope you and your baby are doing ok OP and that you got some rest

I feel like if our hospitals were designed better (and staffed better) this wouldn't be an issue in the first place

In other countries it is standard for women to have their own rooms which would avoid these issues

It never used to be an issue. Maternity wards were properly staffed when I was a patient. Actually single rooms would make things worse, it’s much easier to look after patients on a shared ward.

It’s unbelievable to me that women now just accept shoddy, substandard care and think filling maternity units with men is the answer. The solution is to provide better care, it doesn’t need to be midwives supplying post natal care, lots of HCAs would do the job perfectly.

The only reason I can think that there isn’t a huge campaign for better maternity care is because giving birth is a once, twice or three times in a lifetime event and stays are so short. I guess once your family’s complete you stop caring.

I'm interested to hear how those women without their DP cope with the care of their baby after c-section?

You get on with it and then discharge yourself as soon as you are able. It's awful, but I still don't think men should be allowed to be free range on a post natal ward.

Hopefully this woman had had her baby now and OP is also doing well.

I had a cs twice. Both times DH looked after the baby in the day time which basically meant passing them to me to feed and then changing their nappies. And when he wasn't there a nurse did it. I was able to change nappies after the first day and most of the time the baby sleeps anyway.

@TyrantosaurusRex paralysed from the breasts down 😂 you had a spinal block! Jesus, are you always so dramatic?
I’ve had 3 c sections, have always showered the same day (evening once catheter removed) and managed to feed, change and dress baby.

[quote RussianSpy101]@TyrantosaurusRex paralysed from the breasts down 😂 you had a spinal block! Jesus, are you always so dramatic?
I’ve had 3 c sections, have always showered the same day (evening once catheter removed) and managed to feed, change and dress baby.[/quote]
Epidurals and spinal blocks often do paralyse you from waist down. That’s kind of the point, no?

@RussianSpy101

Yay. You win the prize for BEING THE BEST at C-sections

🙄

[quote RussianSpy101]**@TyrantosaurusRex paralysed from the breasts down 😂 you had a spinal block! Jesus, are you always so dramatic?
I’ve had 3 c sections, have always showered the same day (evening once catheter removed) and managed to feed, change and dress baby.[/quote]
I had a call yesterday with my midwife to run through my upcoming c-section and she literally used the phrase 'you will have no movement or feeling from the breasts down'. 'Paralysed' is just a quick way of saying 'no movement or feeling'.

I've never had a c-section before but @TyrantosaurusRex wasn't being dramatic, she was being factual.

I would also add as someone with a spinal cord i jury who was literally paralysed for a good 3 years. It’s no different a feeling when you’ve had an epidural.