to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

[isthisnormal12]

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

I get this isn't a post natal ward, but is everyone else's experience not that their DH could stay the night after baby arrived, provided they didn't sleep on the bed? Every male member of my family and DH spent their first night after having their own babies in the ward (either on a chair or the floor). And that's also what I witnessed other patients' partners doing repeatedly.

Regarding the flexibility of rules applied to this couple (assuming the midwives knew about it), when my DC was in hospital recently, I was initially staying with him as I thought only one parent could stay. When I saw a couple staying the night one evening, I invited my DH along too, but was told by staff he couldn't stay and that the rules were different around nighttime stays for severally ill children. I assume the same is true for this couple and there is a good clinical reason they have bent the rules for them.

On a totally separate note op, my transverse baby went head down at the last second when my waters broke. Hope the same happens for you!

It does seem rather unfair. My husband completely missed our sons birth in 2020 due to restrictions. I had no one with me again during daughters birth in 2021 until the very end. If it were me I would have made a fuss. My sister in law who is a nurse seemed to get special treatment a few weeks ago with her husband allowed to stay the entire three days and nights of induction. She wasn't particularly vulnerable

Aweefatcat

Absolutely hate the idea of a man staying overnight on a maternity ward, even though lots of women love the idea. In fact think visitors to maternity wards should
Be restricted to partner (either life partner, or birth partner) only. Every one I have ever been in has been complete chaos.

But wondering if something has went wrong and that’s why her partner is there. I would
Discreetly complain to the midwife“

You suspect something has gone wrong for them but you feel it’s ok to complain?

Jesus, what’s wrong with people? A man and woman could potentially have lost their child or be facing something significant and so many of you feel “complaining” is appropriate?

Fucking hell.

If you’re so worried that a possibly traumatised father to be is going to harm you, ask your partner to stay with you.

I had my ds at this maternity hospital. I have a disability and after my c section under general anaesthetic I was in for 2 1/2 wks (I got some complications), and his Dad was allowed to stay with me, but we were in a side room near the nurses station and out of the way of any other ladies, and he made sure he was quiet and respectful. That's always been my understanding of how they do things if a partner has to stay, otherwise they ask the other ladies in the bay if they mind.

However, being in that hospital, and many other hospitals many times before, I know cheeky buggers will hide behind the curtains (and even in the bathroom at the end of visiting to be let out by the patient and snuck back behind the curtains, I kid you not, I've seen it all over the years) so I think it's probably a case of that and the staff not realising. If not, it's really not good of them to not even just let the rest of you know and make sure you're comfortable with that, you're in a really vulnerable place!

If it happens again inform the staff, nicely, that you don't feel comfortable.

I think most of the problem is the absolutely shocking state of maternity wards

Cuts, lack of staff, antiquated wards etc

I had a car accident when I was over 8 months pregnant. I wasn't in labour. My DH was allowed to stay with me.
Tbh I'm a bit flummoxed that you can't imagine any reason why a woman (not in labour) would be on a labour ward accompanied by her DH. As PPs have pointed out, there are lots of reasons.
You can speak to the ward manager and request a move to a different room but I doubt they can guarantee there will not be a male partner staying in that room at some point.
The only way they could guarantee single sex would be to put you in a single room and if they had enough single rooms, then the woman and her DH would be in one.

@Viviennemary so who do ypu suggest looks after the vulnerable woman.... because I cam sure as tell the midwives never took care of me. I was left abandoned. If I hadn't told them my husband was coming in the chances are I and/or my son would have been dead because I was still arguing over whether I was in active labour or not 10 mins before my sons arrival. Perhaps if midwives provided better care it wouldn't be necessary. Don't blame woman for trying to protect themselves blame the sub-standard midwifery care

OP are you 100% sure the man was actually in the ward?

You talk a lot about hearing him but you haven't actually said you saw him. Could there be a possibility that the other woman was facetiming her partner at all hours so you could hear both of them but the man wasn't actually physically there?

@EllaVaNight

My partner was allowed to stay with me because our baby was dead inside me and I was induced. There were no private rooms available. This will sound awful of me but I couldn't have cared less in that moment what others thought of us because at that time having someone to comfort me was my main priority.

It's standard on a postnatal ward because they don't have the staff to care for women and babies. I wouldn't have been able to care for my 2 living children because we both nearly died so I needed my partner there. The staff wouldn't even get meals for women who couldn't move due to having had c sections which is major abdominal surgery, my partner did it for 2 women who were alone.

In your case there could be multiple reasons why the ladies partner is there. Being a survivor of SA I completely understand feeling so vulnerable though.

It doesn't sound awful of you at all. That's nature, we care about number 1 first.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Much love to you.

I've had 4 premature babies and never seen a dad on post or ante wards, plenty twats in nicu/scbu though. Can't ban them though.

And yes of course we would have given anything to have a private room. But we were told there weren't any. "Uncomfortable" is nowhere near the feeling when you're surrounded by women about to give birth when you know you won't be taking your baby home. Not to mention the snide comments made by another woman about my partner being there and her whispering racist comments on the phone to her partner in the early hours of the morning (I'm black, we're a mixed race couple).

The way women who have stillbirths and miscarriages are treated is disgraceful. When I was told I had miscarriages I was forced to go back to the room where everyone is waiting for their scans and many are visibly pregnant. I believe it is still the same procedure in many hospitals.

I get this isn't a post natal ward, but is everyone else's experience not that their DH could stay the night after baby arrived, provided they didn't sleep on the bed? Every male member of my family and DH spent their first night after having their own babies in the ward (either on a chair or the floor). And that's also what I witnessed other patients' partners doing repeatedly.

No. Both times, DH was turned out at 8pm, even though I had my own room.

It’s quite right to send men away. I’ve never felt more vulnerable than after having my children. Medical staff and other patients aside, I didn’t want to be near anyone else.

Complain complain. Men have allowed into the wards by stealth as it means nurses have to care less for the babies and they can employ less of them. This is 100% to womens detriment in the long term. In what other area of the hospital are you expected to care for another person after a major operation!!!?
The post natal ward is also the only ward on the hospital where you have to get up an get your own breakfast rather than it be brought to you.
When I found out I there would be men on the ward with my third ( they weren’t allowed for the first two ) at my pre op for a section I had a panick attack and it completely ruined the last days of my pregnancy. It was a friday preop for monday surgery. I got myself into such a state. I ended up talking to some women's advocate services who spent more time trying to talk me out of a section ( women's choice if their choice is the “natural one” but that’s for another thread)
And when I said it was the nurses job to look after me and my baby not my husbands she just laughed.
Anyway she told me tha language I need to use to get my own room, which was go on about the bonding with my baby for breast feeding stuff. Basically had to drag my self up of the bed a few bourse after surgery and walk in front of the nursss station to prove I was ok to have my own room, it’s a sad state of affair.
AtLeast Covid gave women some privacy for a while.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Aweefatcat

Absolutely hate the idea of a man staying overnight on a maternity ward, even though lots of women love the idea. In fact think visitors to maternity wards should
Be restricted to partner (either life partner, or birth partner) only. Every one I have ever been in has been complete chaos.

But wondering if something has went wrong and that’s why her partner is there. I would
Discreetly complain to the midwife“

You suspect something has gone wrong for them but you feel it’s ok to complain?

Jesus, what’s wrong with people? A man and woman could potentially have lost their child or be facing something significant and so many of you feel “complaining” is appropriate?

Fucking hell.

If you’re so worried that a possibly traumatised father to be is going to harm you, ask your partner to stay with you.

I didn’t have a partner. I gave birth alone and was subjected to several inconsiderate men and had a traumatic birth and nearly died.

What should I have done?

I was glad to have my dh there overnight with me whilst I was induced. They were worried about my baby's heartbeat and I needed him with me.

TheCanyon Thank you

Yanbu at ALL. You don't need to know her private details, but you should know if you are going to be sharing a ward with a man there. Definitely ask someone there what's going on.

4 years ago I was induced so went into hospital exactly on the due date to be induced. Husbands/Partners were allowed to stay overnight but not share the bed. They could sleep on the chair if they wanted. There were only those blue curtains that separated all the beds and the midwives didn't even bother closing them properly when they've finished.

I was on a ward for 6 weeks pre baby being born. My husband visited daily and there were a variety of visiting partners in and out all day every day and other people during visiting hours, but none were allowed to stay overnight.

Post natal I was on a ward where two of the partners were allowed to stay temporarily because their babies were poorly, they didn’t live nearby and were waiting for a space in the on site living quarters for poorly babies on that ward. I think this is justifiable.

I couldn't get worked up about

1. a man who has stayed behind the curtain in his wife's cubicle quietly.
2. someone who obviously has been given permission for a good reason that I do not need to know. For all you know their baby is very ill or even has passed away. There could be all sorts of reasons why he needs to stay.
3. I would only complain if it was actually seriously affecting me e.g. he was being noisy or intrusive in any way.

HelloDulling

It’s quite right to send men away. I’ve never felt more vulnerable than after having my children. Medical staff and other patients aside, I didn’t want to be near anyone else“

That’s you. I’ve never felt more powerful and strong before or after, personally.

;No, my husband didn’t stay with me because he was at home looking after our daughter.)

“Send men away”? For Christ’s sake, they are the child’s father, not the enemy. I’m amazed any of these babies were conceived, with the level of distrust of men on this thread.

She is in hospital.

The staff are there to do the caring. Not a random man. What's more likely - that she is vulnerable and rather than put her in a room by herself with her carer the staff have put the pair of them on a standard ward, OR she's a cheeky fucker who doesn't see why her partner should go home?

Sorry don’t agree with this. She’s in hospital to receive medical care and staff are there looking after multiple other patients. If patients are vulnerable and have high needs and the staff aren’t trained in this specific patients needs then it makes sense why she would need a carer. Particularly if it was mental health related.

Side rooms are given on a needs basis. I ended up in hospital for 5 days pre covid and I am disabled and my DP and Mum took shifts staying with me. For the first two nights I was on a ward as no private rooms were available. On the second night I was actually supposed to go into a side room and they had to give it someone with higher need. This stuff does happen.

Hospitals are for patients not visitors. If nurses can't cope with patients allowing visitors to stay overnight to help out isn't the answer. It doesnt happen on other types of hospital wards for adults does it.

@JustAnotherPoster00

Especially since my husband was told he couldn't stay

So you're jealous that her husband could stay and yours couldn't? You'd have happily put other women in the position you're currently decrying if your husband was able to stay?

He's here again.

I am sorry for the women who had to experience stillbirths.

They seem to be very happy chatty though, watching videos, listening to music and they don't seem like a couple who have experienced such a loss.
Also laughing sometimes.

To the people who say he must be her carer - why does he arrive in the evening then and stay the night and leave in the morning?

If she is in need of care, wouldn't she need care during the day as well?

Those that say they were glad to have their partners there. Good for them. But maybe the other women stuck on the wards with them didn’t want them there and made them feel uncomfortable at their most vulnerable.

My partner was allowed to come back in at 2am (assuming it’s the same well known hospital in Birmingham) because I was severely uncomfortable for reasons I won’t go into. He left on time but the midwife/nurse came and said I could call him back in as I was struggling. I totally appreciate that this might make you uncomfortable enough to ask some questions but maybe this woman needed the support for reasons you don’t know. Why wait it out and complain - just ask the midwife to move you or tell her you’re uncomfortable.