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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
Tittyfilarious81 · 19/02/2022 21:17

When I had my son 15 years ago I was in because I was very sick 4 of us per room and in the room next to me a girl was having her baby and her boyfriend never left and other women complained about him being there all night so he had to sleep in the tv room instead so she went and slept in the chair next to him because she was so incredibly distressed . I don't see what harm there is in him being there she may need support .

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2022 21:17

The staff are there to do the caring

Have you been in hospital to have a baby recently?

Soul11Soul · 19/02/2022 21:17

[quote RussianSpy101]@Soul11Soul but OP isn’t vulnerable. She’s pregnant.[/quote]
She is 39 weeks into a high risk pregnancy. .. or she wouldn't be in hospital. Of course she's vulnerable.

RussianSpy101 · 19/02/2022 21:17

@Soul11Soul Jesus Christ. Ok. 🙄

Stath · 19/02/2022 21:17

I’ve lost a viable baby AND been raped and sexually assaulted/abused by men.

A women’s ward is not the place for men to be.

2021mumma · 19/02/2022 21:18

Precovid I was also kept in for transverse/cord prolapse. Men were on the ward with their pregnant partners. I remember the one next to me snored the whole night, I couldn’t get a wink of sleep I was so angry!

Tee20x · 19/02/2022 21:19

I think the fact that your husband was told to leave and the other man is allowed to be there clearly shows that he is there for a reason rather than being someone who has just slipped through the net?

Like others have said you don't know the situation & even if they had come to you to ask your permission or inform you or whatever what would you have done? Said you don't want him there? Don't think they would have kicked him out.

I think the only thing you can do is voice the fact that you are uncomfortable and ask to be moved - j wouldn't complain though as you don't know why he has been permitted to stay on the ward. My partner was allowed to stay with me in the ward all night when I had been induced & i was due to be taken down to have my waters broken - reason he was allowed to stay was because I was due to be brought downstairs however was held up for various reasons.

Stath · 19/02/2022 21:19

@KarmaStar

You are being precious.why should you have a private room or be asked for your consent?. 🤔
How absolutely fucking ignorant is your comment?
Soul11Soul · 19/02/2022 21:19

[quote RussianSpy101]@Soul11Soul Jesus Christ. Ok. 🙄[/quote]
You ok??

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 21:20

Stath

I’ve lost a viable baby AND been raped and sexually assaulted/abused by men.

A women’s ward is not the place for men to be.“
If they’re supporting their (possibly vulnerable) partner?

Fayekrista · 19/02/2022 21:20

There may very well be an exception for this lady, maybe a medical condition or the baby is likely to have problems.
I say this because I took my 6 week old into paediatrics a while ago, no partners (covid) But this 1 woman had her husband... I was feeling pretty miffed until I found out their little boy had cancer & had been living there pretty much for a month... felt really shitty after that.
I appreciate you're feeling vulnerable but you've got no reason to be scared of him? What do you think he's going to do whilst caring for his heavily pregnant wife/partner??

Cstring · 19/02/2022 21:21

Just ask why, there’s no need to complain.

AlbertaAnnie · 19/02/2022 21:21

I see no reason why you can’t nicely ask about the policy on that ward around partners staying - however if they said partners are not allowed don’t complain. There will be a reason for it if they are breaking their own policy to allow it for example maybe their baby has died or she is vulnerable and their reasons are not your business.

Hshuznw · 19/02/2022 21:22

I wouldn’t complain but I would certainly ask why he’s allowed to stay.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 21:22

I appreciate you're feeling vulnerable but you've got no reason to be scared of him? What do you think he's going to do whilst caring for his heavily pregnant wife/partner??“

Agree. You know nothing of their circumstances. The hospital does.

GuidingSpirit · 19/02/2022 21:23

London hospital - I was admitted due to high BP the day before having DD. My DH was allowed to stay providing he was there before 10pm - the ward doors were locked between 10pm and 8am. He stayed in my cubicle and the curtains were drawn at all times. There were also other men staying with their wives / partners. I agree with pp that if you are uncomfortable you could ask if there is another room you could move to, but could it be that there has been a miscommunication as you were admitted at night and he can stay as long as he was there before a certain time?

wanttomarryamillionaire · 19/02/2022 21:25

Ex midwife here, I don't think men should be allowed to stay on either the antenatal or postnatal wards. Ive never known a man be allowed to do it on an antenatal ward but some hospitals allow it on postnatal. I think it's inappropriate and not fair on the other women, who are ill in a very vulnerable state.

Mickarooni · 19/02/2022 21:25

You have no right to be told why a man is allowed on the ward. However, it’s extremely poor practice to allow someone of the opposite sex to stay over. They should be in a private room / side bay.

Nsky · 19/02/2022 21:25

Best thing is to express your discomfort and ask if they can be moved, you can but hope

Sideswiped · 19/02/2022 21:26

@JustAnotherPoster00, what a nasty post.
OP just wants support. Why have you felt the need to post the way you have?

CovidCorvid · 19/02/2022 21:26

The maternity ward where I work now let’s partners stay overnight for both antenatal and postnatal women. So small multi bedded bay now with twice as many people, snoring blokes in chairs next to the beds. Covid has put a stop to it for now but sure it’ll return.

Before it was allowed there would always be some women where an exception would be made for a genuine reason and we’d try where possible to move to a side room but didn’t always have space. Then there were the partners who would hide behind the curtain/in the loo and try to stay the night without being seen. Or the ones who point blank refused to leave and threaten to batter you when told to leave and you ring security who say they can’t help. 🤷‍♀️

BoodleBug51 · 19/02/2022 21:28

It's perfectly acceptable to ask a member of staff if he's going to be there again overnight. And if they are, I'd ask for a space that you feel comfortable in.

Your rights are no less important than hers.

EveningOverRooftops · 19/02/2022 21:29

Yes complain. Those bays IMO should be strictly female only (and medical staff) and no visitors with a visitor room that mum and baby can go to to meet visitors.

Fuck this invasion of other males on vulnerable women.

Granted it’s not practical but this is how it should be.

SolidGoldBrassiere · 19/02/2022 21:30

@isthisnormal12 Leaving aside everything else ... in what way did it make you feel vulnerable to be in the same public hospital ward as another woman's husband/partner? Can you articulate your fears about how he was a threat?

Weenurse · 19/02/2022 21:31

I also suspect still birth or birth defect with the other patient, if they are letting her partner stay while sticking to the rules for the others.

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