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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 19/02/2022 20:59

There may be a valid reason he’s there. I wouldn’t be impressed but I’d try and be considerate given there could likely be a valid reason

formalineadeline · 19/02/2022 20:59

@Icantgetalifeifmyheartsnotinit

Someone complained - loudly to the midwives - about a friend of mine having her husband on the prenatal ward with her - she was in very early induced labour with her baby who had died and was stillborn.

You don't know why he's there so just let it go.

That's very sad for your friend.

Equally though you don't know that the other woman was not a rape survivor who was at risk of losing access to medical care or suffering harm due to being put in that situation.

No woman should have to accept this or "just let it go" if it is making them feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 19/02/2022 20:59

Especially since my husband was told he couldn't stay

So you're jealous that her husband could stay and yours couldn't? You'd have happily put other women in the position you're currently decrying if your husband was able to stay?

sadpapercourtesan · 19/02/2022 21:00

This is really difficult. I feel strongly that women have the right to a single-sex environment when they are vulnerable and in hospital, especially around childbirth. But there are some women whose vulnerability means that they need their partner with them.

I think the only satisfactory solution would be different accommodation, so that those who wanted a single-sex space could be guaranteed it and those who needed a partner with them could also be accommodated - but that would require decent, 21st century funding, and as we all know, that's not where our health service is going Sad

Dishwashersaurous · 19/02/2022 21:00

It doesn't have to be a complaint per se.

Simply ask for an explanation of the rules for partners staying overnight . Then ask for an explanation of why he was allowed to stay if its not allowed

Pumpfive · 19/02/2022 21:00

I would just trust that the hospital have good reason to let him stay. If you're uncomfortable then you could ask to be put in another room maybe.

penguin303 · 19/02/2022 21:00

I would agree that I would like to be informed (obviously not that the woman is vulnerable exactly, but just that there is a man staying on the ward) but interested to see from others whether that is a reasonable request or not.

I have also just come home from being induced where a woman was on a loud speaker call to her husband 24/7 except in visiting hours when he was there in person, it drove me mad but for the noise’s sake. The ward I was on was both postnatal and prenatal patients though, I found that really odd. Is that normal? In my bay of 4, I was the only woman there without a baby for the first 3 nights of my stay. I definitely did not get much sleep prior to labour.

UserWithNoUserName · 19/02/2022 21:02

They won't discuss the reasons with you, but I suppose they decide on a case by case basis. Although surely if they were going to stay, a private room would be the best solution (I am aware they are in short supply).

It's crap you had a disturbed night, though.

PixieAndProsecco · 19/02/2022 21:04

In your post you admit that you have had little sleep and you are not sure if the man was even there - you heard voices but don't mention seeing anyone.

I don't meant to sound rude but was there even a man there? Was she on the phone?

ThatsALotOfPassionfruit · 19/02/2022 21:07

I would trust there was a good reason he was there. Especially because you had specifically been told yours couldn’t stay.

Not quite the same but when I was in hospital for another reason, single sex ward again, the lady in the bed next to me had two men stay with her all night. I wasn’t told about it but obviously knew they were there. Turned out she wasn’t expected to last the night and they were her sons. No one expressly told me this but obviously curtains aren’t sound proof

Staffy1 · 19/02/2022 21:09

It’s not likely that someone who is there with their partner in the same room is going to be any threat to you.

RussianSpy101 · 19/02/2022 21:10

My cousin was allowed her husband to stay overnight with her after they found out their baby had died. She was being induced the next day.

You have no idea of their circumstances.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 19/02/2022 21:13

Was he defo there? The lady next to me FaceTimed her partner throughout the whole night it sounded like he was in our room!!

I also wouldn’t feel comfortable in your position and would politely raise it. They could offer the man and his partner a different private room

tiktokontheclock · 19/02/2022 21:13

@Dishwashersaurous

Pre covid on the post natal ward men could stay all the time. But not on the pre natal ward.

Simply ask in the morning what the rules are about partners staying.

And get bouncing on a ball, still time for baby to move

That's not true. I was in hospital for a week after birth and one night, feeling particularly low, I asked if my husband could stay a few more hours. The nurse said ok and then told the couple opposite me that the partner could stay too as I was having my DH there. Otherwise they would have been sent home.
Viviennemary · 19/02/2022 21:13

I totally disagree with males staying overnight on shared hospital wards. Not on. Complain.

RussianSpy101 · 19/02/2022 21:13

@Icantgetalifeifmyheartsnotinit my cousin went through the same. I don’t know a single person who would’ve wished she had to go through that alone. It’s cruel.

Soul11Soul · 19/02/2022 21:13

It really doesn't matter if she has good reason to have her partner there. No woman who is medically and physically vulnerable should be made to sleep in a room with a man who is unknown to her without her permission. She should have been offered a different space in which to sleep or the couple should have.

ZippyZap · 19/02/2022 21:13

I'd ask them to clarify the rules...
I felt really uncomfortable having makes staying while I was in the post natal ward, apart from the bloody snoring and excess talking, it's the only time in my life I've had to sleep in a room with a man I don't know. Let alone the breastfeeding and heavy bleeding and sensitive questions the midwives ask all within ear shot or curtains being opened with a man opposite when you could be feeding etc.
It's definitely something I think should only happen in a ward where everyone is doing the same or consents to it, but then that means having double the wards open and extra cleaners and staff etc.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 19/02/2022 21:14

YANBU about being uncomfortable with having a man in there overnight who you don’t know. YANBU to discuss that with the staff.

But try to be sensitive about how and when you do it on case she’s in for serious complications and they’ve allowed him to stay because of that.

RussianSpy101 · 19/02/2022 21:14

@Soul11Soul but OP isn’t vulnerable. She’s pregnant.

KarmaStar · 19/02/2022 21:14

You are being precious.why should you have a private room or be asked for your consent?.
🤔

HelloDulling · 19/02/2022 21:15

Ask to be moved. I would not want to be sharing a room with an unknown man while I was at my most vulnerable and trying to sleep. They can move you, or they can move her.

maddy68 · 19/02/2022 21:15

It is likely that she is requiring now being left alone. Perhaps she is about to have some bad news

HampshireSun · 19/02/2022 21:16

As a Midwife, I can tell you that males are rarely allowed to stay on the antenatal ward unless there is a very good reason. Ideally we'd like the couple to stay in a side room but this cannot always be accommodated or the woman needs to stay in a bay for other reasons. Unfortunately, we know other women do not like it (usually because they also want their husband/partner present) but males only stay when completely necessary.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 21:16

There will be a very good reason.
If anything, they should be moved to a private room.