to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

[isthisnormal12]

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

A women’s ward is not the place for men to be
I agree. And we need to fight this on every female ward in hospitals.

Absolutely hate the idea of a man staying overnight on a maternity ward, even though lots of women love the idea. In fact think visitors to maternity wards should
Be restricted to partner (either life partner, or birth partner) only. Every one I have ever been in has been complete chaos.

But wondering if something has went wrong and that’s why her partner is there. I would
Discreetly complain to the midwife

I do think OP is over reacting, but my goodness there’s some horrible comments on this thread! What’s wrong with mumsnetters these days??

It seems odd. I would ask if my husband could stay too considering others are. That would probably get rid of this man unless their is an exceptional circumstance. You do realise you are their patient, not this man. You can tell them it makes you uncomfortable.

We were told that DH would have to go. I then progressed to a stage where we thought I might deliver so he was told he may as well stay. The lady next to me also had a high risk birth (twins if I remember) and because of issues with them he was allowed to stay in case they suddenly needed to be delivered.

I think you would be MASSIVELY unreasonable to complain and quite heartless

@ofwarren

Could she possibly be vulnerable and he's her carer?

If so they should have a private room. Not OP’s concern.

@Stath

I’ve lost a viable baby AND been raped and sexually assaulted/abused by men.

A women’s ward is not the place for men to be.

I'd politely disagree. Having DH there eased my anxiety and we stayed within my cubical with the curtains pulled.

He was there because I was about to give birth not for a laugh

I was on a post natal ward last July and there can be a degree of nudity. My husband picked me up and said he didn't know where to look. He was trying not to look at others! My husband was only allowed to stay during a two hour day time slot.

[quote SolidGoldBrassiere]@isthisnormal12 Leaving aside everything else ... in what way did it make you feel vulnerable to be in the same public hospital ward as another woman's husband/partner? Can you articulate your fears about how he was a threat?[/quote]
I think this is unfair to make someone try and articulate their feelings on this. Maybe they are over reacting for 99% of the population but it’s not down to women to try and judge/police who may or may not be a threat.

Sex offenders and rapists are partners and fathers and believe me visit their pregnant partners on the wards. Don’t assume everyone is a law abiding citizen.

Even leaving those extreme asides I’ve certainly heard women tell me that (rightly or wrongly) they feel other women’s partners have stared at them while feeding. That when they’re getting up to the loo in the morning and blood is gushing out their vagina and they’re trying to shuffle along with an inco between their legs the men have watched them (and I’ve seen that) and it makes them feel uncomfortable.

People aren’t being helpful, in fact they’d make it worse. Asking why he’s here or for her husband to stay is not going to help the OP. OP has a right to explain she feels vulnerable with a man in the room and ask what they are going to do to ensure she feels safe and dignified in her care. @isthisnormal12 start with the ward matron/sister and then escalate to PALS on Monday if no joy. Best of luck.

The circumstances of him being on the ward is irrelevant. It’s making OP uncomfortable and she is within her rights to complain. If he is there for a valid reason they should be moved to a side room.

Due to previous medical negligence during birty and the resulting PTSD if I was on a ward my husband would be with me.

@elephantmarchingin, surely OP could ask rather than complain?
It's not unreasonable to ask why her DH wasn't allowed to stay but another woman's is? Yes, they might tell her it's none of her business, but at least she would know there is a good reason for the decision.

@elephantmarchingin, surely OP could ask rather than complain?
It's not unreasonable to ask why her DH wasn't allowed to stay but another woman's is? Yes, they might tell her it's none of her business, but at least she would know there is a good reason for the decision.

Sorry for the multiple post - blame it on BT!

I was admitted twice to the prenatal ward. First time my husband was not allowed to stay (he was only allowed in to carry my bags as was after visiting times and I wasn't in labour). The second time he was allowed to stay as labour was imminent, thought wasn't in active labour at that point. I think you'd be unreasonable to complain.

@Icantgetalifeifmyheartsnotinit

Someone complained - loudly to the midwives - about a friend of mine having her husband on the prenatal ward with her - she was in very early induced labour with her baby who had died and was stillborn.

You don't know why he's there so just let it go.

Your friend should not have had to be on a ward with other pregnant women whilst giving birth to her baby knowing it had died. That’s an horrific situation!

different situation but still men on womens ward- when my Mum was in after a fall we stayed with her 24/7. She had dementia and was completely unsettled if one of use wasn't there, she would get herself out of bed and trundle round the ward visiting everyone and poking them and saying inappropriate things (don't think this one will last long etc) and she was endangering herself as well, she would wonder off and forgt where her bed was or try and get in cupboards thinking they were loos etc. So we stayed - sat up all night with her changing over at around 11 and 7 sometimes it was one of my brothers or my Dad. We did always check they were happy with that, but the fact was without one of us there she was unmanageable and a danger to herself and others. Some of it was dementia, some of it anxiety and some of it mania due to low levels of various things in her bloods. There weren't enough women to do the full rota of stopping with her and sometimes having done long stints like this the 3 sisters were just beyond another night of it. BUT we didnt chat except to get mum to stay where she was , get nursing staff or go tot he loo with her. I think thi is a very different situation but there shouldn't be an outright ban - the hospitals don't have enough space to do this and if women have a vulnerability around men they should let staff know and it can be avoided or things done differently.

Sounds like he was sitting quietly with her. Just leave them be. I had a male on the prenatal ward and just assumed the staff knew what they were doing.

Hope you are ok there xx

Nobody was allowed to stay the night with me when I had DD male or female, but admittedly that was over 20 years ago.

How would anyone feel if they were on a medical ward having had, say, a hysterectomy and a random male partner of another patient stayed the night?

My partner was allowed to stay with me because our baby was dead inside me and I was induced. There were no private rooms available. This will sound awful of me but I couldn't have cared less in that moment what others thought of us because at that time having someone to comfort me was my main priority.

It's standard on a postnatal ward because they don't have the staff to care for women and babies. I wouldn't have been able to care for my 2 living children because we both nearly died so I needed my partner there. The staff wouldn't even get meals for women who couldn't move due to having had c sections which is major abdominal surgery, my partner did it for 2 women who were alone.

In your case there could be multiple reasons why the ladies partner is there. Being a survivor of SA I completely understand feeling so vulnerable though.

Males should be asked to leave the ward say at 10 pm. Otherwise they might as well have a total free for all. Men's surgical mixed with maternity and any partners allowed to stay. Madness.

I too would feel uncomfortable with a strange man on the ward, even if he was in another woman's cubicle and therefore separated from me by a curtain. I also understand that he might be there because something awful has happened. I'm not really sure what the answer is but I wish it were possible for couples where the man needs to stay to be accommodated away from the other women for everyone's sake. I know I would not like to sleep in the same room as a man I didn't know.

I think you should be told that there is a man on the ward or indeed that there is a possibility that there may be men on the wards

You obviously don’t need to be told any details