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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
Mo1911 · 19/02/2022 22:03

It's none of your business I'm afraid. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate your care being gossiped over by the staff to other patients. Why ever he's there, it's with permission and for good reason.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 22:04

I didn’t have a partner. I gave birth alone and was subjected to several inconsiderate men and had a traumatic birth and nearly died.

What should I have done?”

Focussed on yourself. It’s not the fault of the men there supporting their partners that you were there alone. Don’t suppose you were of the slightest concern to them, as their partners were giving birth.

cheekychaplin · 19/02/2022 22:04

@isthisnormal12

I don't expect the hospital to give me private details about a patient.

I expect them to inform me if a male, that isn't a patient, is staying in my room all night while I am sleeping and in a vulnerable state.

Especially since my husband was told he couldn't stay.

Sorry OP I totally misread you earlier.

Waddlegoose · 19/02/2022 22:05

I know if someone who had their husband stay and attend appointments due to previous sexual abuse and being in a clinical setting triggered her.

I’m sure they wouldn’t let him stay if it wasn’t needed. But they also won’t be to tell you why he’s there

Xerac · 19/02/2022 22:05

@MrsSkylerWhite

I didn’t have a partner. I gave birth alone and was subjected to several inconsiderate men and had a traumatic birth and nearly died.

What should I have done?”

Focussed on yourself. It’s not the fault of the men there supporting their partners that you were there alone. Don’t suppose you were of the slightest concern to them, as their partners were giving birth.

What a shit comment.
Viviennemary · 19/02/2022 22:06

Have these people been dbs checked. No. Its a safeguarding issue.

Dramaticpenguin · 19/02/2022 22:06

She could have pre eclampsia and be being monitored for emergency induction, which is exactly what happened to me with my first. My husband was with all the time because I was in danger, though didn't feel it at the time.
I was rushed off the ward to labour ward past several women in active labour who were understandably annoyed and confused as to why I was getting all the attention when I want in labour.

Toottooot · 19/02/2022 22:07

Hope the midwife delivering your baby or looking after you at any time during your stay isn’t a man.

Mo1911 · 19/02/2022 22:07

@isthisnormal12

I don't expect the hospital to give me private details about a patient.

I expect them to inform me if a male, that isn't a patient, is staying in my room all night while I am sleeping and in a vulnerable state.

Especially since my husband was told he couldn't stay.

In a room with his other half, other people and staff all over the place and your very pregnant........I really don't think you're at any risk. Concentrate on getting your little one here safely and love others to their own business.
Original poster
isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 22:07

@melj1213

OP are you 100% sure the man was actually in the ward?

You talk a lot about hearing him but you haven't actually said you saw him. Could there be a possibility that the other woman was facetiming her partner at all hours so you could hear both of them but the man wasn't actually physically there?

He definitely was there last night, it wasn't a facetime call. Theoretically I could have been hallucinating due to sleep deprivation, but that's very unlikely. He's here again now.
OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 22:08

Why?

No, it’s not. This thread is ridiculous. Men supporting with their partners at one of the most emotional/traumatic times of their lives have no interest in other random women.

It’s insulting.

Lilylovetulips · 19/02/2022 22:08

I would be unhappy to be honest. It just seems odd, especially as most NHS trusts still have visiting restrictions in place due to covid. I say this as someone who gave birth 3 weeks ago- my husband was only allowed in when I was taken to theatre for a c section and then had to leave an hour after baby was born.

Having said that, there must be a specific reason as I don't think it would be allowed otherwise. Maybe she needs 24/7 supervision and the staff can't do that overnight? They should def be in a private room though.

runningpram · 19/02/2022 22:10

I would politely tell the midwives to make sure they're aware of the situation and mention you're a bit uncomfortable having a man on the ward, if there's no clear reason for him to be there.
I would do it out of earshot of other woman. If the nurses are aware I would assume that she's facing a difficult situation and I would probably therefore be ok with him staying.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2022 22:10

While there may be any of the reasons cited above for him being there, YOU are the patient and YOU are there because you are pregnant and vulnerable. For that alone you are perfectly within your rights to question why there is a man who is unknown to you in your current safe space. You dont have the right to know why he is there but you do have the right to request that he isnt there, so either you or they move (probably they will end up with a private room).

He is a man in a womans space, stop being passive! I dont mean that in a horrible way, but its this passiveness that leads to threads on MN of women who are recovering from CS and spinal block so literally unable to walk, on a ward witha loud obnoxious arsehole bloke, because no one will complain. If you get brushed off by ward staff who cant be arsed to deal with it, get on to PALS.

EllaVaNight · 19/02/2022 22:10

They seem to be very happy chatty though, watching videos, listening to music and they don't seem like a couple who have experienced such a loss.
Also laughing sometimes. We were obviously devastated and always will be. But we did also talk about/do normal things. I'm not saying the people on your ward are experiencing loss, but I do think it's helpful to remember grief doesn't have to present a certain way.

WonderfulYou · 19/02/2022 22:11

14 years ago when I was on the labour ward partners weren’t allowed to stay during the night.

I don’t know what the rules are now but I don’t think that should be allowed. Even if it is was a women visitor I think there needs to be a certain time when visitors have to leave.

If she has special circumstances then surely she should get a private room.

LittleWins · 19/02/2022 22:11

I wouldn’t care that he’s a man but I’d find the noise annoying.

I would definitely ask about the rules but not complain.

HelloDulling · 19/02/2022 22:12

“Send men away”? For Christ’s sake, they are the child’s father, not the enemy. I’m amazed any of these babies were conceived, with the level of distrust of men on this thread

Context is all. In my previous sentence, which you omitted to copy, I mentioned my husband being sent home at 8pm, and that was clearly what I was referring to. Drawing on my own experience, and concluding that it was the best thing to do.

There’s no need to be so dramatic. The men will still be fathers after a night in their own bed.

PermanentTemporary · 19/02/2022 22:12

It shows that people are totally unused to the idea of communal provision now, and really, why should they be used to it. The idea that you might suffer inconvenience or a reduction in privacy for the sake of people around you is almost unimaginable, and yet we have this ward setup from a time when far more people lived far more of their lives in communal settings. Also when they do provide single rooms, they don't increase the staffing and in my view it's often unsafe. The old hospital wards of 28 patients racked in together would never run now but a single nurse could keep at least a rough watch on every patient.

So letting men stay pleases some women and probably does make providing care easier in some ways, but completely undermines safety and privacy in others. It's a mess.

LorelaiDeservedBetter · 19/02/2022 22:12

To the people who say he must be her carer - why does he arrive in the evening then and stay the night and leave in the morning? If she is in need of care, wouldn't she need care during the day as well?

OP there's no point asking on MN. We don't know the personal circumstances of the person through the curtain. Posters have given you lots of different scenarios already. Ultimately it doesn't matter why he is there. You're not entitled to know that. What did the nursing staff say when you told them you felt vulnerable and would like to be moved to a different room?

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 22:13

EllaVaNight

They seem to be very happy chatty though, watching videos, listening to music and they don't seem like a couple who have experienced such a loss.
Also laughing sometimes“

Because people in shock, experiencing profound loss, are never, ever, allowed to experience or feign lightheartedness.
You have no idea.
This thread is ridiculous.

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 22:15

@wanttomarryamillionaire

Ex midwife here, I don't think men should be allowed to stay on either the antenatal or postnatal wards. Ive never known a man be allowed to do it on an antenatal ward but some hospitals allow it on postnatal. I think it's inappropriate and not fair on the other women, who are ill in a very vulnerable state.
I agree. I feel really sorry for women having babies now. I can think of nothing worse than having strange men around in a hospital setting, let alone on a maternity ward. I’m so glad my need for maternity care was in the days when men were only admitted at visiting time.

I hope you can sort this out so you’re in a single sex space @isthisnormal12.

NorthSouthcatlady · 19/02/2022 22:15

The inane rabbiting in the middle of the night alone would be enough to drive me insane! They must know other people are trying to sleep and are in the same room as them

FindmeuptheFarawaytree · 19/02/2022 22:16

However you feel about this, this is not a safeguarding dbs issue. Making inaccurate comments is not helpful. DBS is for specific circumstances.

OMG12 · 19/02/2022 22:16

There could be a number of reasons, for example I have ptsd, the source of which means I am very triggered by hospital environments, medical staff which makes it very difficult to advocate for myself in medical environments, last time I went to a&e my DH wasn’t allowed in, ended up running away chased bu a nurse and collapsing in the middle of the entrance )I was v ill).

It could either be something psychological where she needs her DH there in the night. Or something physical her DH has knowledge of DW but the midwives don’t. Ideally they’d have a separate room but maybe one isn’t available