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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:37

@velvet24

I give up with you Pumper as your parenting ideas are so ridiculous, I dread to think what your kids will be like as they get older , good luck with that?
I’ve already told you Velvet, my kids are older.
velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:38

How old?

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 19:38

@EarringsandLipstick

I'm not sure of the etiquette, but I'll continue to use the facility.

The etiquette is that if someone's on the thread at the time, you don't repeatedly tag them.

And really not if they've asked you not to.

I'm going to ask you to stop responding to me, you're not the mumsnet police!

It's a faculty I'll continue to use!

As my children would've said age 5, you're not the boss of me! GrinGrin

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:39

Keep an eye on him, ok but when he bites its not nice behaviour , are they meant to do nothing as you suggest then! I don't think so!!

EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:39

We always did time out, it gives the child a few mins to calm down, and the parent too, have a think,, have a chat and a cuddle after the time has ended and move on, whats wrong with that?

Nothing - if it's not done to punish.

If the child is overwrought & needs a calm space, and you stay close by, it's very good.

If you use it as a punishment, they'll feel even more upset their feelings weren't recognised / validated, and it won't help.

What you describe sounds like a constructive support, not a punishment, so is a positive tool.

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:39

We always used it as punishment, and you know what? It ALWAYS worked !

mathanxiety · 21/02/2022 19:40

When your H comes home and questions you about the toy, do not under any circumstances speak to him about the whining doing your head in.

Your response needs to be principled.

1 - he cannot expect you to carry out punishments that you fundamentally disagree with and never signed up to.
2 - the punishment was completely inappropriate.
3 - you both need to figure out a better way to deal with tantrums and whining so that DS understands that he can express his feelings using his words, that you and his dad love him no matter how he behaves, that you are all connected as a family.

Whining is low grade crying.
It's a sign your DS is distressed in a general way. Is there a lot of tension in the family? Disagreements over DS or other matters? A lot of stress? A lot of unpredictability in DS's day?

Tantrums are a way for a toddler and young child to express frustration, anger, tiredness, low blood sugar - if they happen a lot, you need to sit down and try to analyze where and why it all went south on any given day.

Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:41

@velvet24

Keep an eye on him, ok but when he bites its not nice behaviour , are they meant to do nothing as you suggest then! I don't think so!!
Do you still, genuinely, think I’ve said to do nothing?
EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:41

you're not the mumsnet police!

I didn't say I was. I just explained the accepted etiquette. I didn't get it either originally but have picked it up from seeing explanations over the years.

I'm also not 'responding' to you. I'm addressing points you make using bold text, not tagging you.

Why do you feel the need to be so rude? Can't you reply without being rude?

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:41

Yes as you have implied that throughout Pumper.

Mocara · 21/02/2022 19:42

@toddlertantrumishell

He's got it back. He cried and said bin lorry no take it away at first and I'm hoping that's from his own head and not DHs words. I asked him if he knows why it was taken away and he said it was because he was sad and because he cried. I've told him you will never be in trouble for crying and that being upset or angry is ok, but we can't hurt people. I really bloody hope DH made it very clear it was for biting and not for crying. I make a point of encouraging DS to be able to say when he's happy, or sad, or angry so that we can talk things through and not tantrums so when he gets upset he knows that's being sad and he communicates that so if he's suddenly connecting that with punishment that's really awful. One incident wouldn't be enough to do that I hope? He tells me all the time that he's happy but is also honest and can acknowledge and name when he isn't and I'll be so sad if he thinks he can't be.
What a croc of crap , 16 pages of my poor baby to young to understand any kind of consequence , but not to young for him to recognise , name, recall, express and apply his emotions to specific situations !!!. Then the whimper whimoer poor me "am I a bad parent " spare me ! . Do you think your husband might have been at the end of his rope because his partners approach to parenting /boundries/discipline is awful. Then theres the "he should only parent in his own time "now that is god awful parenting. You sound like you hate him. Can you imagine the responses on here if a man was saying what your saying people would be screaming LTB call social services. Grow up everyone gets it wrong sometimes including you , talk to your partner and parent as a team or deal with the consequnces of not being able to do that.
EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:42

@velvet24

Noooooo you dont get it do you? You are so frustrating and narrow minded !
There's really no call for that. You can disagree without insulting a poster.
velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:42

I can post as i choose, you are not the mumsnet police.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:43

We always used it as punishment, and you know what? It ALWAYS worked !

As a punishment, nope.

What you described wasn't a punishment. It was creating a safe space for a small child to become calm.

No time limits aka Super Nanny. When they are ready, they can chat, come back to play etc. that's not a punishment.

Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:43

@velvet24

Yes as you have implied that throughout Pumper.
No.

I have repeatedly and consistently said to do the opposite of that. I’ve repeatedly and consistently said to step in before the negative behaviour takes place. To know your child and to support their needs. To find ways around the bad behaviour to stop it happening rather than waiting until it does to punish them. I think you’re just so desperate for a fight you’re determined to misunderstand me.

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 19:44

@EarringsandLipstick

you're not the mumsnet police!

I didn't say I was. I just explained the accepted etiquette. I didn't get it either originally but have picked it up from seeing explanations over the years.

I'm also not 'responding' to you. I'm addressing points you make using bold text, not tagging you.

Why do you feel the need to be so rude? Can't you reply without being rude?

I've been on here tears! Stop being so condescending.

I really don't care what the etiquette you deem is reasonable and I'm not going to take any notice, HTH!!

@Pumperthepumper (yes I've tagged her again, shoot me!) keeps quoting me, I'll keep tagging.

I'll do me and you do you!

If my remarks respond to a specific person, then I'll tag and quote, now move on as yore derailing the thread and that's just not etiquette!

EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:44

@velvet24

I can post as i choose, you are not the mumsnet police.
You can't actually! 😀

Personal insults are against Talk guidelines.

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:45

@EarringsandLipstick

We always used it as punishment, and you know what? It ALWAYS worked !

As a punishment, nope.

What you described wasn't a punishment. It was creating a safe space for a small child to become calm.

No time limits aka Super Nanny. When they are ready, they can chat, come back to play etc. that's not a punishment.

We did a minute for each age of the child like Supernanny, they then had to talk to us and say sorry, realise what they had done , but for those 3-4 mins or whatever they had alone time to think and not get any attention.
velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:46

I do not understand you Pumper or agree with you on any level, you cannot always predict what your child will do and therefore your idea is flawed, punishments have their place, so you have never punished your children then? Saw everything before it happened and swooped in?

EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:46

H*ellihurt
*
There's really no need to be so aggressive. I wasn't being condescending. I was explaining something I didn't know at one time.

It's a shame you keep needing to attack & be rude to people. Sure, disagree but why write such nasty posts?

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:47

Earrnigns and Lipstick are you in cahoots with Pumper?

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 19:48

@EarringsandLipstick

H*ellihurt * There's really no need to be so aggressive. I wasn't being condescending. I was explaining something I didn't know at one time.

It's a shame you keep needing to attack & be rude to people. Sure, disagree but why write such nasty posts?

You did y mean to be condescending, oh bloody give over! Grin you really can't speak to other adults like that!
Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:48

@velvet24

I do not understand you Pumper or agree with you on any level, you cannot always predict what your child will do and therefore your idea is flawed, punishments have their place, so you have never punished your children then? Saw everything before it happened and swooped in?
I have never punished, no. I’m also, for the second time, not saying I’m psychic. I’m saying I did my very best to make sure my children weren’t put in a position that their cognitive development wasn’t ready for.
MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 21/02/2022 19:48

Hi all,

Can we have a bit of peace and love now, please?