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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:27

Pumper - the punishment will work as even if it happened again there will be another punishment and its less likely to re occur than doing NOTHING

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 19:27

@Pumperthepumper the facility for tagging is available, it shows my posts are aimed at you! Of course I'll use the tag facility!

Otherwise it all becomes nonsensical as to who the reply relates too.

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 19:28

@velvet24

Pumper - the punishment will work as even if it happened again there will be another punishment and its less likely to re occur than doing NOTHING
Absolutely!
EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:29

[quote hellithurt]@Pumperthepumper the facility for tagging is available, it shows my posts are aimed at you! Of course I'll use the tag facility!

Otherwise it all becomes nonsensical as to who the reply relates too.
[/quote]
Hellihurt

It's bad form etiquette to keep tagging someone, especially if they are on the thread, and even more so if they've asked you not to.

Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:29

@velvet24

Pumper - the punishment will work as even if it happened again there will be another punishment and its less likely to re occur than doing NOTHING
Except I’m not saying to do nothing. I’m saying to step in before the behaviour occurs.

So imagine you’ve had a hard day at work, you’re cold and tired and hungry. You snap at your child for leaving their bag in the hall. Your spouse takes your phone off you as a punishment. Does that help?

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:29

[quote hellithurt]@Pumperthepumper so your child once you've intercepted (aka helicopter parented, assume you only have one or a huge age difference) doesn't do it again?

What do you expect nursery to do when your not helicopterring and your darling DC gets tired etc, not discipline them?

Your children are going to have a fucking mighty big shock once they go to nursery or school. You'll have to deal with that fall out, good luck with that!

[/quote]
Agree, its almost unbelievable that someone, a parent thinks this way?

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:29

Pumper - step in before the behaviour occurs, so how exactly do you know it will occur, do you have a crystal ball?

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 19:30

@EarringsandLipstick but it's ok for them to keep quoting me?

I'm not sure of the etiquette, but I'll continue to use the facility.

Thanks for your input!

mathanxiety · 21/02/2022 19:30

You need to send your H to a parenting class.

Nobody likes to be bitten but what he did was wrong from start to finish. It was spiteful and vengeful, and taught nothing about a better way to handle frustrations.

Expecting you to carry out a punishment you didn't agree to is high handed and out of order.

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:30

Plus your stupid example is what it is, stupid !

Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:31

@velvet24

Pumper - step in before the behaviour occurs, so how exactly do you know it will occur, do you have a crystal ball?
You don’t need a crystal ball, you work out what their triggers are. Are they grumpy when tired? Don’t take them anywhere if they haven’t slept, or make allowances for that grumpiness. Hungry? Take snacks. And so on.
velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:31

@mathanxiety

You need to send your H to a parenting class.

Nobody likes to be bitten but what he did was wrong from start to finish. It was spiteful and vengeful, and taught nothing about a better way to handle frustrations.

Expecting you to carry out a punishment you didn't agree to is high handed and out of order.

What? He does not need to go to a parenting class, yes it was ott but we;ve all done that, and dads moreseo. Blimey some of these responses are pure comedy value!
velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:32

Pumper - OK so they are tired and bite someone, oh its ok, poor darling is tired, so that's accepting that behaviours is ok its it?

Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:32

@velvet24

Plus your stupid example is what it is, stupid !
Why is it? Are you punished as an adult?
Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:32

@velvet24

Pumper - OK so they are tired and bite someone, oh its ok, poor darling is tired, so that's accepting that behaviours is ok its it?
No, if they’re tired, don’t put them in a situation where they might bite someone.
EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:32

I don't think some posters are reading Pumper's posts properly.

She's not saying she would do nothing. She's arguing that punishments - and actions designed to punish DC - don't work.

It's like that 'time out' idea. It's terrible idea, especially for young DC, and they learn nothing from it. They just feel isolated. However, if you are framing it as time away from the situation to calm down, with you close to hand, then that's very different. It's an opportunity for them to process their emotions, feel safe & not be punished.

It may sound like semantics but it's not. The intention & way it's undertaken are very different if it's a way to support the child, rather than punish them

Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:33

@EarringsandLipstick

I don't think some posters are reading Pumper's posts properly.

She's not saying she would do nothing. She's arguing that punishments - and actions designed to punish DC - don't work.

It's like that 'time out' idea. It's terrible idea, especially for young DC, and they learn nothing from it. They just feel isolated. However, if you are framing it as time away from the situation to calm down, with you close to hand, then that's very different. It's an opportunity for them to process their emotions, feel safe & not be punished.

It may sound like semantics but it's not. The intention & way it's undertaken are very different if it's a way to support the child, rather than punish them

Thanks Earrings. Exactly that.
velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:33

It is stupid and off track, we are talking about punishments for behaviour in children, there must always be a consequence, how old are your kids? Mine are much older now and we carried out all sorts of punishments, they are well behaved, well rounded teenagers now, whats your point?

EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:34

[quote hellithurt]@EarringsandLipstick but it's ok for them to keep quoting me?

I'm not sure of the etiquette, but I'll continue to use the facility.

Thanks for your input! [/quote]
Didn't she quote you to ask you to stop tagging her?

You are being quite offensive in your comments about her - there's no need, surely?

velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:35

If they are tired dont put them in a situation where they might bite someone? Ha ha , my child as a toddler bit at nursery , he was given time out which I totally supported as this always worked for them. I cant not take him to nursery has he may have been tired, and 'may' bite?

EarringsandLipstick · 21/02/2022 19:35

I'm not sure of the etiquette, but I'll continue to use the facility.

The etiquette is that if someone's on the thread at the time, you don't repeatedly tag them.

And really not if they've asked you not to.

Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:36

@velvet24

It is stupid and off track, we are talking about punishments for behaviour in children, there must always be a consequence, how old are your kids? Mine are much older now and we carried out all sorts of punishments, they are well behaved, well rounded teenagers now, whats your point?
It’s not stupid. You as an adult, are flawed. You do not behave perfectly all of the time. You’re human, so you lose your temper, you say things you regret later, you might be snippy with someone at work or roll your eyes when someone speaks. You’re not punished as an adult for any of those things, even though you’re massively more in control of your emotions than a toddler. Because you have the cognitive development that they lack.
velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:36

@EarringsandLipstick

I don't think some posters are reading Pumper's posts properly.

She's not saying she would do nothing. She's arguing that punishments - and actions designed to punish DC - don't work.

It's like that 'time out' idea. It's terrible idea, especially for young DC, and they learn nothing from it. They just feel isolated. However, if you are framing it as time away from the situation to calm down, with you close to hand, then that's very different. It's an opportunity for them to process their emotions, feel safe & not be punished.

It may sound like semantics but it's not. The intention & way it's undertaken are very different if it's a way to support the child, rather than punish them

100% disagree, punishments do work and most of us here with older kids will vouch for that. We always did time out, it gives the child a few mins to calm down, and the parent too, have a think,, have a chat and a cuddle after the time has ended and move on, whats wrong with that?
velvet24 · 21/02/2022 19:37

I give up with you Pumper as your parenting ideas are so ridiculous, I dread to think what your kids will be like as they get older , good luck with that?

Pumperthepumper · 21/02/2022 19:37

@velvet24

If they are tired dont put them in a situation where they might bite someone? Ha ha , my child as a toddler bit at nursery , he was given time out which I totally supported as this always worked for them. I cant not take him to nursery has he may have been tired, and 'may' bite?
But you could have spoke to the staff about it beforehand: he’s known to bite when he’s X and today he’s X. Can you just keep an eye on him?
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