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Original poster

To think there’s a stigma attached to conceiving quickly?

232 replies

Piper90 · 19/02/2022 11:43

I’ve been in a couple of different social situations recently where I’ve been made to feel awkward/ guilty about having conceived our son during my first cycle. I actually felt as though I had to apologise to a friend recently, which prompted me to write this post and ask whether anyone else has experienced the same from others? I would never dream of thinking or commenting negatively on anyone else’s ttc journey, so am unsure why people think it’s appropriate to do so on mine. I’m going to have a think about how I could better respond in similar situations in future

OP posts:
Original poster
Piper90 · 19/02/2022 22:11

@Botanica

Even your recent responses are still showing you as completely tone deaf to the situation.

This is not about you being 'oversensitive'. It's about having some basic empathy and recognising that you are so very fortunate compared to what others have to go through.

To continue to play yourself as a victim or hard done by in any way is in incredibly poor taste.

FFS recognise this one is not all about you and your bruised ego.

I’m tone deaf, lacking empathy and don’t recognise that I’m very fortunate because I’m finding it tricky that when I respond honestly to direct questioning about ttc, that I’ve bee made to feel guilty and awkward? This kind of sentiment is really baffling and actually offensive
OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 19/02/2022 22:11

I don't think there's any kind of stigma in this. If anything people might be envious, and understandably so if they had or are having a difficult time conceiving.

I got pregnant with my two the first month of trying both times. I know I'm very lucky. And it is something that will occasionally come up in conversations with girlfriends. But it's not something that anyone has ever made me feel bad about!

Original poster
Piper90 · 19/02/2022 22:12

@Monsterathai pretty mean

OP posts:
Monsterathai · 19/02/2022 22:13

[quote Piper90]@Monsterathai pretty mean[/quote]
#bekindalways Grin

DrManhattan · 19/02/2022 23:14

Op I think you are totally missing the point (on purpose or otherwise). The conceiving quickly is a red herring, its about being sensitive to others around you when they are talking about things that are really important in their lives. If I know someone is TTC why on earth would I tell them I did straight away? It's just mean and thoughtless

corblimeym8 · 19/02/2022 23:36

'Offensive' is the wild card of social media🙄
Really op? Lmao

themental · 19/02/2022 23:48

Well having just come from a thread where posters are calling a best friend who conceived first cycle annoying, a total bitch, and a "competitive pain in the arse" YADNBU.

I agree with you although I don't understand the logic because it's not like getting pregnant quickly is abnormal. I think it comes from bitterness, however understandable (and pps on the thread in question admitted as much). Too many people waiting until their thirties to have children and getting a shock when it doesn't happen within a few months, who get jealous / upset / hurt / envious that it's happened for someone else without apparently trying.

Original poster
Piper90 · 20/02/2022 02:26

@DrManhattan

Op I think you are totally missing the point (on purpose or otherwise). The conceiving quickly is a red herring, its about being sensitive to others around you when they are talking about things that are really important in their lives. If I know someone is TTC why on earth would I tell them I did straight away? It's just mean and thoughtless
I wouldn’t lie when directly questioned
OP posts:
Porridgeislife · 20/02/2022 08:15

@Piper90 do you not see the value of being tactful over being brutally honest, when the subject at hand is a notoriously sensitive one? Not just fertility but in all aspects of life.

It’s all becoming a bit me-me-me now so I can perhaps see why your friends react the way they apparently do.

Bluffysummers · 20/02/2022 08:41

I’m not sure this flaming of the OP is warranted here.

She’s not said she’s going up to friends in the midst of ivf and saying ‘haha suckers, I conceived on the first try’, she’s answering a question when directly asked. In terms of TTC and friends TTC I’m actually a bit surprised how few people are claiming to have had this conversation, I’ve had it with people who were frustrated having not conceived in 6 months ( they were relieved it took me 8 first time around and that they were still ‘normal’), I’ve had it in the context of a conceiving a second, and in the context of ttc whilst breastfeeding. Believe it or not it does happen. And then more generally LOTS of people, not even friends ask ‘was it planned?’ When you announce a pregnancy. In that context I don’t understand how replying, yes we were lucky we conceived quickly is a hurtful reply to a question you were directly asked.

Obviously it’s how you phrase your response with but I don’t think but I don’t think you should have to lie. That being said, stigma is the wrong word, think she means resentment. But I do think there is a bit of a stigma having 2 quite close together, as I posted upthread I’ve got a 2 year age gap and the amount of snide comments about it is unreal.

Arnia · 20/02/2022 09:05

I will never, ever understand why people offer up this information! And what's all this "journey" mullark? You get up the duff you share the news, anyone with any manners says "congratulations" and any inappropriate questions are deflected or you say "that's a bit personal". Only one person asked me anything inappropriate and I just smiled with a quizzical look and they soon realised their error and apologised.

DarleneSnell · 20/02/2022 09:26

I conceived very quickly each time but I've always downplayed it if asked. It doesn't come up often anyway.

Tbh if I ever did get a bit of a hard time / resentment / envy from anyone I'd accept it as a small price to pay in exchange for an easy time having kids.

Towardsthenorth · 20/02/2022 09:29

@Arnia

I will never, ever understand why people offer up this information! And what's all this "journey" mullark? You get up the duff you share the news, anyone with any manners says "congratulations" and any inappropriate questions are deflected or you say "that's a bit personal". Only one person asked me anything inappropriate and I just smiled with a quizzical look and they soon realised their error and apologised.
And yet there are nine pages of people doing just that.
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/02/2022 10:04

I wouldn’t think there’s a stigma as such, no. But IMO it’d be very insensitive to tell anyone who’s TTC/going through IVF. Or anyone at all, come to that, because they may be keeping such facts private.

If anyone does actually ask, that’s rather different.

Despite being an older mother, my dd had two very quickly and easily conceived pregnancies, which were pretty soon obvious to anyone close, but I know she felt bad for friends who were having a lot of trouble conceiving.

Trinacham · 20/02/2022 10:16

I haven't found this (concieved our son on the first cycle) but then again, I don't really know anyone that close who has had trouble (and if I did I wouldn't make it known to them that we concieved straight away!)

Tabbacous · 20/02/2022 10:20

I've only ever told people who have directly asked an inappropriate question such as was it planned that I was on the pill but had the shits and didn't consider the need to then use protection for a week (or however long it is). If people ask intrusive questions like that then they should be aware surely that they might not like the answer. In no other situation have I mentioned it.

TheGoogleMum · 20/02/2022 10:27

It's nothing against you. Getting pregnant first time trying is pretty lucky and they are jealous of your luck!

HeyItsPickleRick · 20/02/2022 10:30

I conceived first try each time, with the last we had sex once and it happened, but it has never come up in conversation...ever. I struggle to understand why people are asking this question of you.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 20/02/2022 10:33

As others have said, why tell people that to begin with? If they ask (do people really ask this?!) well, it’s none of their business. I was asked if my children were planned a few times- had them young- and I usually fudged the answer in a way that didn’t tell them anything. Because it’s a rude question.

Catnipdelight · 20/02/2022 12:11

It's probably the same as when thin people make any kind of comment about being too busy to notice they'd skipped a meal; or if they tuck into a big burger without guilt.

Other people who have less perceived "luck" take it as bragging or boasting when really it's just biology. 🤷‍♀️

Catnipdelight · 20/02/2022 12:13

Also I'm not sure why people are giving you grief for talking about it. I've spoken about my own experience with plenty of friends and family. I don't think you should feel you have to avoid the subject, OP!

kirinm · 20/02/2022 12:14

@Hasselhoffsheadband

Is this a thing, discussing which cycle you got pregnant in?

People probably know I got pregnant quite quickly as DD was born less than a year after we got married (although I could have stopped taking the pill before we got married, and also....I highly doubt people have given it that much thought!)

DH did joke about how quickly he got me pregnant to any of his mates that would listen Hmm but generally, I don't think anyone really cares!

It's possibly a thing when speaking to someone you know is having trouble getting / staying pregnant.

To the OP - It's absolute bollocks that there's a stigma. It's more likely to be someone showing empathy if they're talking to someone who is struggling. It's not hard to understand

kirinm · 20/02/2022 12:16

@Piper90

My friends are constantly talking about planning families and ttc. It’s all ‘when did you know you wanted to start trying?’ ‘Did you do anything to increase your chances?’ ‘How long were you trying for?’ and so on. I just find it really awkward. I got pregnant quickly yes, but I had no control over that. I failed at breastfeeding and blame myself entirely for that as many of the reasons it didn’t work were because of me. I just don’t like being made to feel awkward/ ashamed for something that actual had zero to do with me
If your friends aren't even trying, why would they care how long it took you?
Giraffesandbottoms · 20/02/2022 12:46

What a bizarre post/humble brag/mental thing to write if you think there is a stigma. May as well come on and say “there’s a stigma attached to being so slim and beautiful” etc.

I conceived first time with all 3. No one has ever been weird or rude with me about it, so I suspect it’s HOW you are mentioning it, rather than the facts themselves. You are lucky. Appreciate that and get back in your box.

Giraffesandbottoms · 20/02/2022 12:47

And yet there are nine pages of people doing just that

The difference is that on an online forum it’s anonymous and less important to be likeable. People are sharing their experience. It’s completely different from real life.