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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think there’s a stigma attached to conceiving quickly?

232 replies

Piper90 · 19/02/2022 11:43

I’ve been in a couple of different social situations recently where I’ve been made to feel awkward/ guilty about having conceived our son during my first cycle. I actually felt as though I had to apologise to a friend recently, which prompted me to write this post and ask whether anyone else has experienced the same from others? I would never dream of thinking or commenting negatively on anyone else’s ttc journey, so am unsure why people think it’s appropriate to do so on mine. I’m going to have a think about how I could better respond in similar situations in future

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 19/02/2022 14:34

I have two friends who conceived first cycle.

The first was entirely shell shocked and was hoping for a few months to ease into the idea, but nine months later, baby. She was honest about her feelings, and was still quite blindsided by the whole thing when four months gone. She seemed to only start enjoying her pregnancy around the six month mark.

The other was shell shocked, but also got over it quickly, and then kept telling everyone she was SO SHOCKED. Including at her baby shower. There's no way you can address a room full of thirty something women and not be hurting onenof them with that statement.

I agree with PP. Just say "we were lucky that I conceived quite quickly, but it really is luck of the draw" then ask them a question about themselves.

Because that is just as much the truth as "I conceived immediately", without the sting. If you are close enough to these people for them to ask, do you really want to potentially upset them by being needlessly over specific?

Norgie · 19/02/2022 14:37

When we decided to start a family, I fell pregnant quickly each time.
No one knew we'd decided to start a family and certainly no one has ever asked me how long it took.
I can't even imagine asking such a question, let alone being asked it.

thecatsthecats · 19/02/2022 14:37

@Zilla1

I'm not sure about stigma but given the emotions involved, my default would be discretion rather than 'I always tell the truth'. Lots of truthful answers aren't necessary.

If someone said they had cancer, would any truthful reply 'not me, cancer free' be a good first reply?

I'm an orphan - Nah I've got both parents. Really great for family celebrations and childcare.

Insomnia - I sleep great, me. Actually I have heard that tin-eared reply to a discussion about insomnia reasonably frequently.

Hair loss - Look at my flowing locks.

Could be wrong but there is a universe of answers in social situations that don't involve saying 'conceived first time/on my honeymoon'. Any need to add the sexual position and location even if a truthful answer could be given including that?

Yes, this is a great set of examples.

The truth doesn't need to be specific, and if you wouldn't give these answers, then you should think twice about being specific with your sex life.

CrunchyCrump · 19/02/2022 14:37

@Piper90 I haven’t RTFT but given the first page is a lot of naysayers I must admit I’ve experience exactly the same thing. Conceived two on first try both times, it comes up in conversation usually either due to friends planning on ttc or friends who are struggling. It’s not worth lying over but it does make you feel shit especially when answering honestly to friends who are struggling.
I admit to being quite flippant to move the conversation on now to avoid feeling like this, along the lines of ‘oh you know it happens when it happens’ or ‘didn’t keep count etc.’

CrunchyCrump · 19/02/2022 14:39

I would say to those that are saying it’s over sharing when you’re asked directly how long it took to ttc it’s not an overshare at that point.

Wheresthisgoing · 19/02/2022 14:42

Is this thread something to do with the unpleasant comments on an earlier thread today about someone who cannot be pleased for her pregnant friends calling women who conceive first cycle ‘annoying’/‘fertility unicorns’ ?

GirlOfTudor · 19/02/2022 14:44

I can't say anyone's ever asked me how long it took to conceive my child. That's not something I'd ask anyone else either 🤔

WhatAHexIGotInto · 19/02/2022 14:47

I would say to those that are saying it’s over sharing when you’re asked directly how long it took to ttc it’s not an overshare at that point.

I would say that asking someone directly how long it took them to conceive their child is unbelievably rude and intrusive.

You have a choice if you wish to share that information of course but, in my opinion, it is indeed over sharing. I believe this is intimate and private information.

MadForBurpees · 19/02/2022 15:06

This thread is a wank for the OP

ImInStealthMode · 19/02/2022 15:10

My friends are constantly talking about planning families and ttc. It’s all ‘when did you know you wanted to start trying?’ ‘Did you do anything to increase your chances?’ ‘How long were you trying for?’ and so on.

To which you respond 'we very lucky, it didn't take very long' and if pressed further then point out that it's a very personal line of questioning, you don't want to discuss your sex life and change the subject.

Chimchiminie · 19/02/2022 15:11

@MadForBurpees

This thread is a wank for the OP
😳😂
Dimensions3 · 19/02/2022 15:11

@MadForBurpees

This thread is a wank for the OP
God, I hate that suspicion. But your point is valid. 🤮
User839516 · 19/02/2022 15:15

DC1 took over a year, DC2 was about 3/4 cycles and DC3 was first go. Obviously I’ve only ever spoken to close friends about it (if they’ve asked) but I’ve never noticed any difference in how people react. I think most grown women understand that it varies wildly between people and between pregnancies.

2ndBorn · 19/02/2022 15:22

I really don’t mention it, conceived first or second cycle with all 3 of mine (well #1 was unplanned). No miscarriages so extremely lucky.
I really would never volunteer this unless specifically asked but then how does it even help them by asking? Unless it’s a ‘What did you do to conceive, any tips?’ Situation. Every couple have a different journey.
I think like anything, it can become so easy to gloat even if you’re not doing it eg I breastfed my son so easily for 3 years - this then makes people feel bad about their experience. You can win with anything so bed to keep quiet Grin

Baystard · 19/02/2022 15:23

I wouldn’t dream of asking anyone either! But I’ve been asked countless times

It doesn't mean you have to be overly specific though, whats wrong with "we were lucky and conceived pretty quickly".

I've never been asked specifically on which cycle I conceived and whose people who asked whether it was a surprise, had we been trying for long etc weren't expecting a highly specific answer.

Surely those people to whom you are close enough to disclose such personal information would already know that you were trying?

Coffeeonmytoffee · 19/02/2022 15:24

I did with my four kids but I cannot imagine EVER telling anyone. Well I have now - but never before.

bloodyhellwhyme · 19/02/2022 15:26

Outside of online forums/the conception board, this isn't something I would discuss with people, perhaps my very closest friend. YABU! No one wants to hear it, it's not supposed to be a brag and that's how it could come across.

Zilla1 · 19/02/2022 16:26

@thecatsthecats thank you. I didn't make the time to think the post through nor polish it but felt the need to suggest sometimes life doesn't require the whole truth.

I've worked with several people who rejoiced in unalloyed truth when it suits in the "I call a spade a spade me" stereotype who, surprisingly would scream blue murder when the recipient of the equivalent directness - "I'm fuming ..", "How dare they say.." and so on.

MintyFreshBreath · 19/02/2022 16:40

I get what you mean. We weren’t even trying for DS and then, what do you know, two blue lines! It made it feel quite awkward announcing it to a few friends who had been trying for over a year with no luck. It’s just one of those things I guess.

Stressedout1009 · 19/02/2022 16:42

@StepAwayFromGoogling

I don't think you mean the word stigma, OP. Of course there isn't a stigma. Odd thing to post.
Exactly. Fgs a stigma?
Botanica · 19/02/2022 16:57

If you don't realise why it's not appropriate to offer up this information readily that you must be quite naive.

Sometimes I get asked how much I earn.
I'm selective about what I share, to what level of detail and with whom.

My general philosophy in life is to try and not make other people feel shit about their situation and if that means being vague sometimes for the sake of peoples feelings, then so be it.

If you can't see why that's not the same with your astoundingly easy conception journey then I think you're probably lacking a bit of life experience.

HelloDulling · 19/02/2022 17:07

‘We weren’t even trying’ is a fairly disingenuous thing to say. If you’ve stopped using contraception, you know you might get pregnant if your have sex.

HelloDulling · 19/02/2022 17:12

@GirlOfTudor

I can't say anyone's ever asked me how long it took to conceive my child. That's not something I'd ask anyone else either 🤔
Oddly, someone asked me the other day. We both have kids in their teens so it was a v unexpected question. 16 years after the event it still felt very, very personal. Thankfully there was another friend there, she said something about her honeymoon baby and the moment passed.
Suzanne999 · 19/02/2022 17:18

I can’t imagine asking anyone this. Didn’t even ask my DDs , none of my business.
I suppose if you’re tired of telling people you could get a t shirt printed.

chattycaterpillar · 19/02/2022 17:32

But people ask personal questions all the time, so I don't understand people who say they "can't imagine," it coming up !

So many people, the first time someone announces they are pregnant, ask, "was it planned ?"