To think there’s a stigma attached to conceiving quickly?

[Piper90]

I’ve been in a couple of different social situations recently where I’ve been made to feel awkward/ guilty about having conceived our son during my first cycle. I actually felt as though I had to apologise to a friend recently, which prompted me to write this post and ask whether anyone else has experienced the same from others? I would never dream of thinking or commenting negatively on anyone else’s ttc journey, so am unsure why people think it’s appropriate to do so on mine. I’m going to have a think about how I could better respond in similar situations in future

@phoenixrosehere

*You've been advised multiple times on this thread to just be less specific and say 'it happened quickly for us'.

Are you going to take this advice or even acknowledge it?

To answer your question, of course YABU. The notion is an insult to the various people in life who must deal with the reality of actual stigmatisation.*

Are you going to acknowledge that these are friends that OP is talking about? It’s easy to be less specific BUT there are also people who won’t simply accept a bland answer especially amongst a group of friends.

I've been in the position of friends not wanting to accept a bland answer to a question they've posed. That doesn't immediately require me to be an open book and divulge all, particularly if it will result in me feeling 'awkward/guilty', to quote the OP.

I don't shout about it but close friends knew when we decided to try. I was very lucky that it was first try 4 times (3rd I miscarried at 8 weeks). It was literally a case of we are trying and then 2 weeks later I'm pregnant (short cycles). I went on a school mums night out and everyone openly shared how long it took them (one was 10 years and ivf, she started the conversation actually). You obviously chose your audience who you tell as it can come across as smug, it's simply just luck really.

@Sarahcoggles OP hasn’t said she doesn’t want opinions. I was just making the point that you’ve said it’s a lie, whilst being horrible to her for conceiving quickly, therefore proving her point.

I actually voted YABU and asked for an example from OP but then you came along and gave it, hence my follow up. Stigmas still not the right word though. Anyway have a good day!

erm... why on earth do you tell people?

There's zero purposes except to brag to those who didn't which is to laud your luck over the unlucky.

Very unattractive quality to brag about your good fortune that obviously will get people's backs up, even worse if your oblivious to your privilage... rude behavior begets rude responses because the tones already set.

I mean since it's an anonymous forum I sometimes mention I TTC for 9 years and did IVF, usually on specific threads about these topics but I have never told ANYONE in real life that bar the doctors and my DH (who obviously went through it with me).

I'm sure from the odd look and snide remark that a few think I got pregnant by accident after so long of not having a baby but it's literally never resulted in a conversation on any of our TTC history or journeys so in 14 years this conversation you apparently have frequently has never once popped up and yet nearly all my friend have had kids.

@GrendelsGrandma

I don't think I've ever discussed how long it took to conceive my children with anyone. Why would I? That's just talking about times you've had sex

Same. How odd. I have never discussed this with anyone - I’m not even sure that the father of children could answer this question.

Nobody needs to know what cycle you conceived on.

I think stigma is the wrong word. Stigma means disgrace and shame. Just because you get a negative reaction, doesn’t mean there’s any stigma attached.

How is that stigma? They're probably asking for tips if they're trying to get pregnant.

Very unattractive quality to brag about your good fortune that obviously will get people's backs up, even worse if your oblivious to your privilage... rude behavior begets rude responses because the tones already set.

I don't even think it's good fortune. Infertility is usually bad luck, but getting pregnant is just nature. It's not some kind of anomaly, nobody is the slightest bit interested if you conceived first cycle and nobody needs to know. Saying it to people who may or may not be struggling is just the icing on top.

So many posters are absolutely proving the the OP’s point. They’re being unpleasant to her and calling her names for conceiving quickly, and deliberately misconstruing her posts so they can give her a verbal kicking. This place can be so grim.

People do care though thats why they are asking.

The OP isn't right because it isn't a stigma. A stigma is something that is frequently perceived as something to be ashamed of.

So weird that no one else seems to get these questions. I’m pregnant atm and as soon as I announced most people started asking, “oh so were you trying?” “Were you trying for a while?” “Were you trying before you got married?” I’ve absolutely NEVER voluntarily shared our conception journey but what am I supposed to say when asked these questions? Pretend it was really hard to conceive and make up a whole story?

The only person that knows my conception journey is my best friend and I know hers but I wouldn't dream of discussing it with anyone else and I certainly would not expect someone other than my best friend to ask me either.

When mine were younger, I met lots of new wonderful mums who have become good friends but never once have we discussed the conception side. I am afraid, if they did ask me, I would have to tell them that was a personal journey between my partner and I (and best friend).

There is no stigma to conceiving quickly. But if you feel awkward just be vague if asked. Or don’t volunteer the info

I think a lot of things around pregnancy, birth and raising babies can make a person feel awkward though. Maybe that’s what you mean? Women do tend to compare a lot I’ve found. I deal with it be trying to not hold too much stock in what others think.

Do people really ask such personal questions? No one asked me this in either of my pregnancies and definitely would never ask anyone!! I don't think there's a stigma either, not one that I'm aware of anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

But who would know?

I know you’ve answered this….but it’s just weird you would be telling folk.

Both of my first two pregnancies, on announcement I was asked by several people "were you trying for long?"
Bearing in mind both were as the result of the failure of the mini pill, I found it bizarre and quite frankly downright nosy

It’s probably not so much a stigma as the fact that for a lot of people conceiving is difficult and emotional. So perhaps it just makes your friends or whoever feel bad, despite themselves, to hear that something they have struggled with and has caused them a lot of anguish came so easily to you.

Perhaps in the same way that seeing someone else become pregnant while struggling with fertility yourself might be a bit heart-wrenching, because people are just human.

I’ve not been on either side of this coin personally, so am just guessing / offering suggestions.

I'm not sure about stigma but given the emotions involved, my default would be discretion rather than 'I always tell the truth'. Lots of truthful answers aren't necessary.

If someone said they had cancer, would any truthful reply 'not me, cancer free' be a good first reply?

I'm an orphan - Nah I've got both parents. Really great for family celebrations and childcare.

Insomnia - I sleep great, me. Actually I have heard that tin-eared reply to a discussion about insomnia reasonably frequently.

Hair loss - Look at my flowing locks.

Could be wrong but there is a universe of answers in social situations that don't involve saying 'conceived first time/on my honeymoon'. Any need to add the sexual position and location even if a truthful answer could be given including that?

I was pregnant two weeks after we started trying. The reality kicked in, I didn't feel mentally 'ready', and couldn't tell anyone (most of the people I knew who were pregnant at the same time had had trouble ttc). I didn't feel like I could tell anyone in case it upset them and I cried every day I was pregnant. I think there is a perception that if you fall pregnant quickly, things are really easy for you

And people do ask personal questions, I was asked by a few people, not good friends, if my pregnancy was an accident

I think infertility is something that really affects women’s mental health.

I would hope that we would give a bit of leeway to someone struggling to achieve what is seen as a fundamental part of biology.

It’s a bit of a stretch to say people are smug though.
Any pregnant woman has the right to be happy that they are.

@drinkfeckarsebrick I had the same thing first time, the speed it happened was a total shock even though it was planned, literally a couple of weeks from saying lets try. You can't tell people you are freaking out because it happened so fast as you are "lucky".