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Original poster

To think there’s a stigma attached to conceiving quickly?

232 replies

Piper90 · 19/02/2022 11:43

I’ve been in a couple of different social situations recently where I’ve been made to feel awkward/ guilty about having conceived our son during my first cycle. I actually felt as though I had to apologise to a friend recently, which prompted me to write this post and ask whether anyone else has experienced the same from others? I would never dream of thinking or commenting negatively on anyone else’s ttc journey, so am unsure why people think it’s appropriate to do so on mine. I’m going to have a think about how I could better respond in similar situations in future

OP posts:
britneyisfree · 19/02/2022 11:59

Yes. And I say that as someone who took ten years to conceive and then had a late miscarriage.

When I tried 4 years later I conceived first cycle and early miscarried.
Then a year later I tried and got pregnant first time and finally gave birth.

No one ever wants to hear about that bit!

Makegoodchoices · 19/02/2022 11:59

People criticise everything - all the time, your choices are to stop oversharing, or ignore.

This is not a thing there is a stigma about. There are plenty of other irritating discussions coming your way if you’re having a baby Grin

FurryGrowler · 19/02/2022 12:00

Yeah , why are you telling people such personal things?

x2boys · 19/02/2022 12:02

It is what it is ,I thought I would struggle getting pregnant ,as I had an extremely irregular cycle ,I actually got pregnant within a few weeks of trying with Ds1 and it took a year with Ds2
It's not something I talk about .

Sleepyblueocean · 19/02/2022 12:02

I don't understand why there would be a stigma. If you think it is a stigma then maybe that is because you have not faced stigma about anything.

Original poster
Piper90 · 19/02/2022 12:02

@glowingpink

We conceived first time both times. It's not something I talk about very often, but I know what you mean, occasionally this stuff does come up in conversation with people you know well (e.g. over dinner, not at the school gates...)

I'm not sure about a stigma but I suppose people who have struggled/are struggling to conceive might find it hard to hear? I just tend to play it down and say oh we got lucky.

To be honest I think everyone has their struggles anyway, other people have a more successful breastfeeding journey than I did for example. Some people have terrible births or painful pregnancies or newborns with reflux/colic. Conception is just one part of it all.

Yes, definitely not something that is shared causally but does definitely come up as a topic of conversation regularly amongst my friendship groups. I too had what I would describe as an unsuccessful breastfeeding journey but I wouldn’t dream of making anyone else feel guilty or awkward for having a different experience to mine. It’s a shame you feel you have to ‘play down’ something which is determined by biology
OP posts:
Thecurtainsofdestiny · 19/02/2022 12:03

I don't think so- stigma is "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance".

Haven't found this circumstance to be associated with disgrace.

Original poster
Piper90 · 19/02/2022 12:03

@Borracha

I can’t ever imagine asking anyone how long it took them to fall pregnant. Just stop volunteering the information. Or if someone really does ask, you can say something vague like ‘we were lucky and it happened quickly’ and leave it at that.

Fwiw DC1 took nearly a year. DC was 2 months and DC3 was unplanned but I don’t think anyone apart from my doctor or midwife knows that.

I wouldn’t dream of asking anyone either! But I’ve been asked countless times Confused
OP posts:
PolkaSpace · 19/02/2022 12:04

Change the subject

Chestofdraws · 19/02/2022 12:04

How many friends do you have that are ttc thay this is a regular question you get? People generally need to ask only once. You must have lots and lots of friends ttc and they all ask you?

Towardsthenorth · 19/02/2022 12:05

I have noticed similar although mainly online. If you mention you conceived on the first cycle, people are very quick to darkly tell you it won’t happen again and you will probably never have another child.

Of course I am exaggerating slightly but you get the idea.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/02/2022 12:05

I don't think there's a stigma as such, nobody's going to hear that and think 'god, why am I friends with her?' Because they will rationally know that it is out of your control.

That said, it will be difficult for some people to hear. Up to you whether you sugarcoat it or not, ultimately if someone asks you such a personal question it's as much their fault as anybody's if they don't like the answer.

I would like to think I would be one of those who downplayed my luck, but I don't know because I'm not one of the lucky ones!

StarfishDiver · 19/02/2022 12:06

It is like everything in life. Sometimes keeping some info to yourself or being vague is better.

When we are lucky with things, count your blessings and enjoy it. People will find it hard. Jealousy is human and things like conception are total luck and completely heartbreaking when it doesn't work.

Partyatnumber10 · 19/02/2022 12:06

I conceived via artificial insemination of donor sperm so sometimes do get into a discussion about the process. Only when people ask though.
I also conceived first cycle and have found no stigma at all. People are often a bit nosy and sometimes surprised but never judgemental or disapproving.
It might be that you're talking about it more than you realise and inadvertently rubbing salt in the wounds of people who struggled?

Original poster
Piper90 · 19/02/2022 12:07

@Chely

It's a bit of a sore subject for some to talk about for many reasons. I felt bad announcing our latest pregnancy to my SIL as they'd been ttc for 2 years with no joy, BIL had another one the same year as us too. We conceive quickly but we've had miscarriages between most of our children so not an easy ride for us.
I totally recognise it’s a difficult subject for many and I don’t readily tell people, but I’ve been asked so many times by so many different friends. It is not something that I would ever ask anybody else
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HaggisBurger · 19/02/2022 12:07

@Piper90

My friends are constantly talking about planning families and ttc. It’s all ‘when did you know you wanted to start trying?’ ‘Did you do anything to increase your chances?’ ‘How long were you trying for?’ and so on. I just find it really awkward. I got pregnant quickly yes, but I had no control over that. I failed at breastfeeding and blame myself entirely for that as many of the reasons it didn’t work were because of me. I just don’t like being made to feel awkward/ ashamed for something that actual had zero to do with me
How do they make you feel “ashamed”?? Unless you make a big thing of it and look quite snug when you say it … I’d say people would just accept it as a statement of fact.

I got pregnant x 3 first cycle but I can count on one hand the times that has specifically come up in conversation. It would be more a general “yes we were lucky and didn’t have to try for very long both times. I know it’s not that easy for lots of people”. Maybe you could try that rather than the specific “first time of trying@ which might sound a bit boastful particularly for those struggling. It’s not the law that you need to answer these questions.

Stigma seems an overly dramatic way of putting it, too.

HaggisBurger · 19/02/2022 12:08

*smug

Sleepyblueocean · 19/02/2022 12:08

A stigma is something that is perceived as something to be ashamed of. I don't think you mean stigma.

HelloDulling · 19/02/2022 12:09

Just say ‘we were lucky, it happened quite quickly’, and ask them a question in return. No need to get into the details of how many cycles, it really is no one else’s business. It anyone asks for days/months/number of shags, just say you can’t remember.

Towardsthenorth · 19/02/2022 12:09

it’s a difficult subject for many

So are many things, though. I have neither my mother or father but don’t inform people talking about their parents that they will die. Someone who has recently been made redundant shouldn’t censor people talking about their jobs.

Being sympathetic is fine but people should be able to honestly say what happened and what their experiences are.

Original poster
Piper90 · 19/02/2022 12:09

@Chestofdraws

How many friends do you have that are ttc thay this is a regular question you get? People generally need to ask only once. You must have lots and lots of friends ttc and they all ask you?
Yes, I have lots of friends so I’m really fortunate. I’m friends with lots of DP’s friends, have a circle of friends from school and university, lots of childhood friends, work friends, family friends etc we are all around about similar ages
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Gizacluethen · 19/02/2022 12:10

I don't understand how anyone thinks this a weird thing to talk about. I know how quickly most babies were conceived that I know. And those in my baby group. I agree. There's an element of guilt around accidental and easily conceived pregnancies. Although, most babies I know were conceived very quickly or accidentally.

Original poster
Piper90 · 19/02/2022 12:10

@britneyisfree

Yes. And I say that as someone who took ten years to conceive and then had a late miscarriage.

When I tried 4 years later I conceived first cycle and early miscarried.
Then a year later I tried and got pregnant first time and finally gave birth.

No one ever wants to hear about that bit!

So glad to see you got your happy ending Flowers
OP posts:
Original poster
Piper90 · 19/02/2022 12:11

@Makegoodchoices

People criticise everything - all the time, your choices are to stop oversharing, or ignore.

This is not a thing there is a stigma about. There are plenty of other irritating discussions coming your way if you’re having a baby Grin

He’s 3 now! I don’t think I’ve been made to feel guilty or awkward about anything else along the way. Even my failed breastfeeding journey - but that’s another story!!
OP posts:
BobbinHood · 19/02/2022 12:12

Of course there’s no stigma attached.

If you feel a bit guilty because you know your friends have or are struggling, that doesn’t mean there’s a stigma attached.

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