To think there’s a stigma attached to conceiving quickly?

[Piper90]

I’ve been in a couple of different social situations recently where I’ve been made to feel awkward/ guilty about having conceived our son during my first cycle. I actually felt as though I had to apologise to a friend recently, which prompted me to write this post and ask whether anyone else has experienced the same from others? I would never dream of thinking or commenting negatively on anyone else’s ttc journey, so am unsure why people think it’s appropriate to do so on mine. I’m going to have a think about how I could better respond in similar situations in future

Stigma is the wrong word to use. Reminds me of when people say it's harder to be beautiful than to be plain.

You achieved something that other people are struggling to do. It's a sensitive subject understandably, and some people are bound to feel pangs of envy and/or resentment for your good luck.

There is no stigma though.

I sort of agree with OP although I’ve never been asked in a general non ttc convo about what cycle I conceived on.. I fell pregnant with my second when my first was 17 months so, at appointments, taxis rides, even at work I got a lot of comments, ‘going off from work… again, already’ ‘once you pop you just can’t stop’ etc I definitely felt judged. But that’s more having 2 close together which pretty much means you conceived quickly

@Sarahcoggles

Well whenever people have told me they conceived quickly (never in response to being asked by the way, always volunteered) it’s always said with faux embarrassment. In reality it’s obvious they’re smug as hell - “ha ha we must be so fertile” and all that. Men are the worst, because of course it makes them feel like a big stud. There’s no stigma OP, you’re imagining it. And you don’t realise how lucky you are. The fact that you’ve chosen to create a thread about this demonstrates a level of smugness, which I’ve come to expect from those who conceive easily.

The OP is getting a hard time. Just look at this comment!

She’s not offering the information, she’s just not lying when asked outright. I’ve been asked outright, too. It happens. When people are trying to conceive, it can be all consuming and they want to talk about it.

I suspect the people being dismissive of it are those for whom it took longer to conceive.

You've been advised multiple times on this thread to just be less specific and say 'it happened quickly for us'.

Are you going to take this advice or even acknowledge it?

To answer your question, of course YABU. The notion is an insult to the various people in life who must deal with the reality of actual stigmatisation.

Hmmm. I’ve been on both sides of this - ivf needed for child one, naturally conceived on cycle 1 for child two so I can see both sides.

I do think that some people see conceiving quickly as an achievement - I’m not saying this is true for you OP, but this can be particularly difficult for those of us who needed Ivf as it doesn’t feel fair- however irrational this might be.

I don't think there's a 'stigma', no. I've also no idea why people would be sharing this information with other people/couples. I guess social media has made us a nation of over-sharers.

Cakelover17 my point is that in my experience, the people who’ve announced they conceive quickly have never been asked when they conceived. They’ve always volunteered it. They giggle and try to sound embarrassed, when it’s evident they’re proud. I mean, who wouldn’t be? You decide you want a baby, you have sex, you get pregnant - what’s not to like?!

I’ve also heard people say “I don’t understand what all the fuss is about infertility - I got pregnant the first month of trying”.
This is not me attaching stigma to it. It’s me making observations from my own experience.
And ultimately, the people who get what they want shouldn’t be moaning. They should just thank their lucky stars that one of life’s challenges went smoothly for them.
I notice that OP struggled with breast feeding. I found breastfeeding very easy, but I wouldn’t dream of starting a thread to state that fact!

In fact, if I started a thread saying there was a stigma attached to successfully and easily breastfeeding, I would be rightly destroyed!

i dont think theres a stigma. I think overall noone else cares. Its completely neutral

It’s not something I share as I got pregnant first cycle both times. The second time people worked it out as I had an operation (unrelated to having a baby) in the April (but I wanted it done before I got pregnant so I was in the best health possible) and I had a baby the following January so mainly my bitter SILs liked to take the piss a bit and say ‘oh you were an invalid’ blah blah (it was keyhole surgery and 2 weeks later I was fine.

*You've been advised multiple times on this thread to just be less specific and say 'it happened quickly for us'.

Are you going to take this advice or even acknowledge it?

To answer your question, of course YABU. The notion is an insult to the various people in life who must deal with the reality of actual stigmatisation.*

Are you going to acknowledge that these are friends that OP is talking about? It’s easy to be less specific BUT there are also people who won’t simply accept a bland answer especially amongst a group of friends.

@Sarahcoggles

Cakelover17 my point is that in my experience, the people who’ve announced they conceive quickly have never been asked when they conceived. They’ve always volunteered it. They giggle and try to sound embarrassed, when it’s evident they’re proud. I mean, who wouldn’t be? You decide you want a baby, you have sex, you get pregnant - what’s not to like?! I’ve also heard people say “I don’t understand what all the fuss is about infertility - I got pregnant the first month of trying”. This is not me attaching stigma to it. It’s me making observations from my own experience. And ultimately, the people who get what they want shouldn’t be moaning. They should just thank their lucky stars that one of life’s challenges went smoothly for them. I notice that OP struggled with breast feeding. I found breastfeeding very easy, but I wouldn’t dream of starting a thread to state that fact!

How many times have you encountered people who behave like this?

Umm I conceived very quickly four times and it has never come up in conversation, ever?

@Sarahcoggles the OP has used the wrong word with stigma, but you still clicked on here just to be unpleasant to her about conceiving quickly, which is what she was talking about. Just proved her point really. Your point isn’t perfect either, conceiving isnt the end of the journey for most. I generally conceive very easily, but have had far more losses than children. I’m ‘lucky’ to get pregnant quickly but really unlucky with the journey generally as it was a struggle dating pregnant when we were at that point in our lives. Feeling resentment to those who conceive quickly isn’t helping you or them. We all have our own struggles, we are all entitled to have a moan now and then.

I got pregnant with both dc on the first cycle. No, there's no stigma attached, but equally I don't share this generally as I can't see how it's helpful to others. I know I've been lucky. This post feels like a stealth boast.

@Piper90

My friends are constantly talking about planning families and ttc. It’s all ‘when did you know you wanted to start trying?’ ‘Did you do anything to increase your chances?’ ‘How long were you trying for?’ and so on. I just find it really awkward. I got pregnant quickly yes, but I had no control over that. I failed at breastfeeding and blame myself entirely for that as many of the reasons it didn’t work were because of me. I just don’t like being made to feel awkward/ ashamed for something that actual had zero to do with me

I can't say whether YABU or not, as my friends and I never discussed how it long it took us to conceive at the time (all our DC are more or less adult now, though, so it has come up in conversation over the years).

However: YABU for thinking you "failed" at breastfeeding!

And yes, OP, free yourself from this idea that you somehow 'failed' at breastfeeding. It's not a moral issue of a choice you made. Sometimes breastfeeding just isn't possible. Bodies can be contrary things!

People shouldn't make you feel awkward about something like that. In future, don't tell them, there's no need. Your nearest and dearest will know, that's sufficient.

All anyone has to say when they learn somebody is pregnant is, "Congratulations", nothing more.

I'm presuming you are not somebody who gushed about how clever you were - there are folk who do that and they are irritating - and I trust you are sensitive to anyone who may be having difficulties conceiving. However just disclosing your pregnancy is no reason for anyone to be 'sniffy'. It does happen :-).

Congratulations!

I voted YABU as I’ve never heard of this stigma before.

Your friends sound jealous that you conceived quicker than they did which is absolutely ridiculous.

I was not on the pill so as soon as the condom came off I got pregnant. There is absolutely no way in any conversation I had that the subject of how quickly I conceived came up. To be honest it does sound a bit like a boast, almost like your super fertility is a crown you wear that everyone needs to know about.

I fell pregnant the first month of trying with both children. No one really knows this though as I’ve never been asked. I’ve certainly never asked anyone else!
It’s probably more common than we realise, it’s just that no one really shares when there’s not a problem.

[quote Cakelover17]@Sarahcoggles the OP has used the wrong word with stigma, but you still clicked on here just to be unpleasant to her about conceiving quickly, which is what she was talking about. Just proved her point really. Your point isn’t perfect either, conceiving isnt the end of the journey for most. I generally conceive very easily, but have had far more losses than children. I’m ‘lucky’ to get pregnant quickly but really unlucky with the journey generally as it was a struggle dating pregnant when we were at that point in our lives. Feeling resentment to those who conceive quickly isn’t helping you or them. We all have our own struggles, we are all entitled to have a moan now and then.[/quote]
Moaning about difficulties is one thing. But moaning about an imaginary stigma is going to cause people to react.
As someone said earlier, it’s like people saying that life is harder if you’re beautiful than if you’re plain.

I think they call it a stealth boast on here.
And OP posted in AIBU. I’m saying yes, she is BU.

Don’t ask the question if you won’t want people’s opinions.

I agree, I didn't do a big announcement or anything and close friends were fine- but others when they saw me with a bump would say oh wow what a surprise didn't know you were trying. Instead of lying just decided to say the truth which was that we weren't actively trying- then the oh wow how lucky you are, don't you feel guilty some desperately try for ages etc. I find it more odd that people put you in an awkward position by asking and are then arsey about it.

I wouldn't tell people that, if they are trying to conceive as it just comes off as thoughtless and mean.
No stigma. If people are being weird with you, it might be because you are insensitive?

If your friends are actually asking you this, they’re weird.