To think there’s a stigma attached to conceiving quickly?

[Piper90]

I’ve been in a couple of different social situations recently where I’ve been made to feel awkward/ guilty about having conceived our son during my first cycle. I actually felt as though I had to apologise to a friend recently, which prompted me to write this post and ask whether anyone else has experienced the same from others? I would never dream of thinking or commenting negatively on anyone else’s ttc journey, so am unsure why people think it’s appropriate to do so on mine. I’m going to have a think about how I could better respond in similar situations in future

I conceived 3 times. First time was 2 weeks after deciding to start trying for a baby and stopping the Pill, second time was unplanned, 3rd time was again in the first cycle of trying. I was young (21, 23 and 24). I think one's age can make a difference.

Virtually nobody ever asked me how long we were trying before we conceived. It wasn't the sort of thing one talked about much. However, when I was pregnant with my first, I made friends with another mum-to-be who told me that she had been trying for 10 years and had almost given up. I didn't mention how easy it had been for me!

I think nowadays people start very much later than previous generations did, so possibly fewer women conceive straight away than did 40 or 50 years ago.

Not being able to conceive, especially if time is no longer on one's side, must be heartbreakingly disappointing every month. I suppose some people might misconstrue the OP's motives in telling people how easy it was for her, if they are still childless and trying to get pregnant.

If I were you, OP, I might perhaps be a bit more vague when asked how long it took. Just say that you can't remember!

@chattycaterpillar

But people ask personal questions all the time, so I don't understand people who say they "can't imagine," it coming up !

So many people, the first time someone announces they are pregnant, ask, "was it planned ?"

Yes I think worded was baby planned rather than how long did it take it much more the case.

Why even mention it? It sounds like you’re boasting about how fertile you and DH are compared to the average couple.

Considering TTC can take years for some, or involve expensive and emotionally draining fertility treatments, it comes across as rubbing salt in the wound to say it only took you one cycle!

Thank you all for the replies. It’s reassuring to hear how many of you have been made to feel a similar way. I think it’s evident that some posters on this thread are displaying some of the behaviours I was alluding to, so it’s been interesting to see that play out from a group of people I don’t have a pre existing friendship with.

I totally take on board what’s been said about me being oversensitive. I’m definitely going to be a lot more vague in response to questions in future too

@Bunnycat101

I don’t think there is a stigma at all. You’re likely being over sensitive. I conceived quickly with both my children. You should be thankful that you’ve been lucky. If asked directly I’ve just said something like we were fortunate that it was quite quick or something vague.

Me being oversensitive has been a common theme on this thread so I totally take this on board

@Ileflottante

I had the same thing. People asked me how long it took and I foolishly answered honestly (I should have told them to mind their own business) and I was made to feel bad as a result. One person said “are you fucking serious? That’s not fair. It took me a year,” and then proceeded to reiterate how awful it had been for them. I don’t deny that, I supported them through it, but that doesn’t mean they can make me uncomfortable for it being swift.

Yes exactly this. Being asked directly then made to feel awful for an honest answer. I’ve not had a response quite that shocking though, goodness!

@DysmalRadius

There's a thread about a poster who's trying and has a friend who has conceived quickly - some of the posters on there are being quite brutal about the friend's easy conception and willingness to share her pregnancy so early.

And, for all those saying there's no stigma to conceiving quickly - the OP has been called 'boastful' several times and there are plenty of comments on this thread saying that the OP shouldn't tell people that she conceived quickly, even if asked, so the issue clearly does bring out some strong feelings in people in a way that talking about struggling to conceive doesn't seem to.

I haven’t seen this thread but these reactions don’t surprise me unfortunately, based on my own experiences. None of my own experiences have been outwardly that hostile, but definitely reflect the undertone I’ve felt

@InconvenientPeg

I know exactly what you mean.

I convinced quickly both times, once first cycle and once second.

And there was a time in my life when it did seem to be something that people were discussing and asking me about a lot, in general 'mum' type conversations. And then getting sniffy, as if I was bragging about it, which was ridiculous, as you've said, I had no control over it.

I suspect I even lost a friend over it, though it's never been spelled out. The worst part is, I've had every other issue going, awful pregnancies, dreadful, traumatic births, issues with feeding, hugely unsettled babies, and I never tried to make people feel bad that I percieved other parts of their parenting journey to be easier than mine.

Thankfully, now my kids much older and most my friends are past the TTC stage, it doesn't come up anymore!

Bless you, sounds as though you’ve been through a lot so unfair if you did lose a friend over something beyond your control

@Sarahcoggles

Well whenever people have told me they conceived quickly (never in response to being asked by the way, always volunteered) it’s always said with faux embarrassment. In reality it’s obvious they’re smug as hell - “ha ha we must be so fertile” and all that. Men are the worst, because of course it makes them feel like a big stud. There’s no stigma OP, you’re imagining it. And you don’t realise how lucky you are. The fact that you’ve chosen to create a thread about this demonstrates a level of smugness, which I’ve come to expect from those who conceive easily.

How do you know that I don’t know how lucky I am? Case in point really - this is exactly the kind of uncalled for comment I’m referring to. It’s so unnecessary and unwarranted

I'm not sure how on earth this even comes up in conversation. You sound boastful. Yabu. Keep private things private

@lancs54

You've been advised multiple times on this thread to just be less specific and say 'it happened quickly for us'.

Are you going to take this advice or even acknowledge it?

To answer your question, of course YABU. The notion is an insult to the various people in life who must deal with the reality of actual stigmatisation.

Yes definitely going to be less specific in future and try to steer the conversation in a different direction

[quote Cakelover17]@Sarahcoggles the OP has used the wrong word with stigma, but you still clicked on here just to be unpleasant to her about conceiving quickly, which is what she was talking about. Just proved her point really. Your point isn’t perfect either, conceiving isnt the end of the journey for most. I generally conceive very easily, but have had far more losses than children. I’m ‘lucky’ to get pregnant quickly but really unlucky with the journey generally as it was a struggle dating pregnant when we were at that point in our lives. Feeling resentment to those who conceive quickly isn’t helping you or them. We all have our own struggles, we are all entitled to have a moan now and then.[/quote]
I’m really sorry to hear this

You played the lottery. You won the first time. Loss month after month can sometimes feel painful. It's more about their pain and uncertainty than you your blessing.

Quite fine for you to discuss but just be conscious that others journeys can be a different from yours.

Happy to hear about your good news!

All the best

@MadForBurpees

This thread is a wank for the OP

So mean

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Why even mention it? It sounds like you’re boasting about how fertile you and DH are compared to the average couple.

Considering TTC can take years for some, or involve expensive and emotionally draining fertility treatments, it comes across as rubbing salt in the wound to say it only took you one cycle!

I’ve never mentioned it without being asked - which I have been, many times.

I’ve actually felt uncomfortable when asked by a couple of friends who spent a few years ttc about how quickly it happened for us as we are also first cycle wonders!

However most friends who asked have been happy for us but I try to play it down as I don’t want to somehow hurt their feelings.

When my baby was very unwell and I had to walk past the ward with all the healthy babies going home with their parents I felt jealous and angry at how ‘easy’ it seemed for them so I can relate to that kind of feeling but logically I knew that it wasn’t right to be directing anger towards them.

I know what you mean OP and I think people on this thread are being deliberately spiteful and obtuse. I was told I was very unlikely to ever get pregnant, I did very surprisingly at 31 and had a healthy pregnancy (child birth was a different matter). I have never spent any time talking about trying to get pregnant because I did not, or being pregnant because I just found out I was and it was weird in that I assumed I would always be child free and I was not surrounded by people who made it an issue.

I have sinced realised that loads of people have an opinion on others fertility. I was asked immediately about plans for the next one, people I hardly knew at parents and baby groups discussed fertility constantly and there are thousands of threads on mumsnet started by women struggling to conceive feeling others are insensitive. It is a bloody lottery but the whole 'OP- why would this even come up' ignores that others bring it up all the time. They may not realise it but they do.

I don't think there's a stigma you've just got to know your audience and what they are going through personally and like another poster said be sensitive to that.

To be fair to you OP it does come up. I'm very close to my best friend and she is TTC and she has always asked me how long it took me. It was quickly.

I've had three miscarriages though so nothing to envy.

I confirmed very easily with both my children, and while I was aware that fact must be difficult for some people, I was never made to feel anything. So no, in my experience there is no stigma attached.

@Sarahcoggles

Well whenever people have told me they conceived quickly (never in response to being asked by the way, always volunteered) it’s always said with faux embarrassment. In reality it’s obvious they’re smug as hell - “ha ha we must be so fertile” and all that. Men are the worst, because of course it makes them feel like a big stud. There’s no stigma OP, you’re imagining it. And you don’t realise how lucky you are. The fact that you’ve chosen to create a thread about this demonstrates a level of smugness, which I’ve come to expect from those who conceive easily.

I agree with this. I’m someone who has never TTC (Both my pregnancies came about at the exact right time by pure fluke) I’d never even heard of tracking cycles until friends told me they had done it after we’d all had babies. I did have a miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy 1st time so I understand how these things go. I don’t agree with you at all op. There’s far more stigma on those who struggle to conceive. I have a close friend who pretended that she ‘fell pregnant by dh looking at her’ Years later her sister (also a good friend) let slip that she had tried for a long time. Lots of friends have verged on bragging about falling 1st cycle, then gone on to have fertility struggles with the 2nd. They are much more reluctant to open up about it funnily enough. Generally I think if there is going to be any element of ‘competition’ then the friends you’re discussing this with are not close enough to be discussing it. I find it absolutely bizarre that you’d discuss this with anyone who wasn’t very close.

Crikey, any woman I've talked to about child birth has asked me how long it took to conceive!

I had three children under two, my first two are 10 months apart. I had so many comments about this.

I got pregnant weeks after I stopped taking the pill. But I didn’t tell anyone this as I’m aware that some of my friends have been trying for a while and it would be completely insensitive.

Even your recent responses are still showing you as completely tone deaf to the situation.

This is not about you being 'oversensitive'. It's about having some basic empathy and recognising that you are so very fortunate compared to what others have to go through.

To continue to play yourself as a victim or hard done by in any way is in incredibly poor taste.

FFS recognise this one is not all about you and your bruised ego.

@Piper90

I’ve been in a couple of different social situations recently where I’ve been made to feel awkward/ guilty about having conceived our son during my first cycle. I actually felt as though I had to apologise to a friend recently, which prompted me to write this post and ask whether anyone else has experienced the same from others? I would never dream of thinking or commenting negatively on anyone else’s ttc journey, so am unsure why people think it’s appropriate to do so on mine. I’m going to have a think about how I could better respond in similar situations in future

'Trying to conceive journey'... 🤮 😂

Your chatting shit. I’d never tell anyone what ‘cycle’ we conceived on - that would be odd and clinical. We stopped using contraception so I got pregnant, like most people do. You are inventing an issue so you can be a pretend victim. Just stop with such nonsense.