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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there’s a stigma attached to conceiving quickly?

232 replies

Piper90 · 19/02/2022 11:43

I’ve been in a couple of different social situations recently where I’ve been made to feel awkward/ guilty about having conceived our son during my first cycle. I actually felt as though I had to apologise to a friend recently, which prompted me to write this post and ask whether anyone else has experienced the same from others? I would never dream of thinking or commenting negatively on anyone else’s ttc journey, so am unsure why people think it’s appropriate to do so on mine. I’m going to have a think about how I could better respond in similar situations in future

OP posts:

Lifeismeh · 19/02/2022 12:37

I don’t think people ask OP ‘which cycle did you conceive on?’ They’re more likely asking ‘how long did it take you to get pregnant?’ … which is a question I got off probably 80% of people!

I agree with you though OP. Purely because I’m bitter at all of my friends who conceived in the first two or three months when it took us years and medication!

Cakelover17 · 19/02/2022 12:38

What exactly do your friends say to make you feel uncomfortable about it? Are they struggling themselves or just horrible friends?

Pedalpushers · 19/02/2022 12:39

I'm guessing the main sort of person who would ask would be a friend who is struggling themselves and trying to get a gauge/some reassurance from others who have been there, so I'd imagine they wouldn't then love to hear how easy it was for you. As you say, if they ask, they should be prepared to hear the answer.

diddl · 19/02/2022 12:39

I think it's a odd thing & would probably only answer in a general way.

Can't imagine ever saying that I conceived during my first cycle!

AmaDablam · 19/02/2022 12:39

Can't say I've ever felt this, having conceived on the first cycle myself. I mean it's not something I go on about, especially with people who have experienced infertility, but plenty of people know and I've never been made to feel bad, either directly or in my own head. As a pp said we all have our challenges when it comes to parenthood, conception is just the start and I don't think people hold grudges if you're lucky in this respect. I've found the stigma/guilt associated with having an only child through choice to be far worse.

Pinksweets · 19/02/2022 12:39

I think it is weird that people are asking how long it took you to conceive. If they ask and then they’re upset that you conceived quickly, then it’s their fault for asking.

Ileflottante · 19/02/2022 12:40

I had the same thing. People asked me how long it took and I foolishly answered honestly (I should have told them to mind their own business) and I was made to feel bad as a result.
One person said “are you fucking serious? That’s not fair. It took me a year,” and then proceeded to reiterate how awful it had been for them. I don’t deny that, I supported them through it, but that doesn’t mean they can make me uncomfortable for it being swift.

oatlattetogo · 19/02/2022 12:41

I have only had one person ask me how long it took to conceive (and she was a medical professional) but I have had multiple people ask me if my baby was planned, so I’m not hugely surprised that people will also ask how long it took a couple to get pregnant. I wouldn’t volunteer the information but I wouldn’t lie if someone asked either.

CrackerGal · 19/02/2022 12:41

No I don't think so at all, it could be dependent on age though?
I conceived all my kids very quickly, I don't think it ever came up I'm conversation though. It's not the sort of thing people usually ask?

Sceptre86 · 19/02/2022 12:42

People do ask in my experience. I've been asked at a baby group. I've had three pregnancies and have three children. My first and third pregnancy I conceived in the first cycle. The second pregnancy I missed a pill and fell pregnant. My mum fell pregnant in the first cycle everytime she tried for a baby. My sister took 8 months to conceive her first. I haven't been called boastful but have had comments along the lines of being lucky, must be super fertile etc.

Sarahcoggles · 19/02/2022 12:42

Well whenever people have told me they conceived quickly (never in response to being asked by the way, always volunteered) it’s always said with faux embarrassment. In reality it’s obvious they’re smug as hell - “ha ha we must be so fertile” and all that. Men are the worst, because of course it makes them feel like a big stud.
There’s no stigma OP, you’re imagining it. And you don’t realise how lucky you are.
The fact that you’ve chosen to create a thread about this demonstrates a level of smugness, which I’ve come to expect from those who conceive easily.

sweetieqie · 19/02/2022 12:43

Nobody needs to know about how or when your kids are concieved, ick. You had sex, we get it, any more is too much.

BiBabbles · 19/02/2022 12:44

There can be severe judgement around anything to do with pregnancy, childbirth, and children, but I think it's not as many as it can feel like and some just have awkward curiosity. I'd find a redirecting answer that you're comfortable with.

I didn't get this question, but I was a young mum so most of the rude questions were more around whether a pregnancy was planned (or they just jumped to the idea I didn't plan), not how long I was planning. Thankfully those type of intense question seem to phase out as my children have gotten older so hopefully you won't have to keep that answer in mind forever.

Cheekypeach · 19/02/2022 12:44

So nobody has said anything negative to you OP, you’re just projecting and making a big deal over nothing? Move on

GucciBear · 19/02/2022 12:44

Why on earth would anyone want to share that they "are trying for a baby" - dreadful phrase - conjures up all sorts of pictures! - with another person. Surely , a personal thing.

JassyRadlett · 19/02/2022 12:44

Having conceived quickly with my first then secondary infertility and a long wait for my second, I’d say there’s a lot more stigma - or at least social awkwardness - attached to the latter.

Porridgeislife · 19/02/2022 12:45

Unless you’re offering unsolicited advice to your less lucky friends as to how to conceive, I doubt anyone is judging you.

As someone who has taken a really long time with lots of expensive intervention, I don’t have any opinions on how quickly my friends got pregnant unless they take it upon themselves to share their views on how to remedy my infertility. Thankfully rare although I have given some people a wide berth since!

Xmassprout · 19/02/2022 12:45

I've been asked several times how quickly I conceived my children. I think its a very odd thing to ask to be honest, but people do ask.

One lady asked me and I told her. She then got upset as she had been trying for almost a year and told me I was 'rubbing it in'. I had no idea she had even been trying. I just told her that she shouldn't ask questions if she's going to get upset about the answers!

Cakelover17 · 19/02/2022 12:45

@Sarahcoggles

Well whenever people have told me they conceived quickly (never in response to being asked by the way, always volunteered) it’s always said with faux embarrassment. In reality it’s obvious they’re smug as hell - “ha ha we must be so fertile” and all that. Men are the worst, because of course it makes them feel like a big stud. There’s no stigma OP, you’re imagining it. And you don’t realise how lucky you are. The fact that you’ve chosen to create a thread about this demonstrates a level of smugness, which I’ve come to expect from those who conceive easily.

Guess this is the sort of response the OP is talking about!

Really rude to assume she doesn’t no how lucky she is, her children arnt less valuable because they were conceived quickly. Ironic to say there’s no stigma about it whilst judging a total stranger for it.

sweetieqie · 19/02/2022 12:45

It's also not particularly amazing that anyone conceived quickly... why would anyone think to share that. Like yes, some people have fertility problems but like... it's not an achievement

FizzyBiscuits · 19/02/2022 12:46

What bothers me is the those who go and on about being super fertile and "only has to look at me and I get pregnant". No one needs to know that. Least of all little infertile me. Bizarrely, this has happened after I've told someone we need IVF. Like, WTF?

Popopopo · 19/02/2022 12:49

I've been asked this before OP. A simple "we were very lucky, it didn't take long" is enough I find. It's not a stigma, it's just hard for people to hear some times, it's a sensitive subject

FinnulaFloss · 19/02/2022 12:49

Yanbu and I do know what you mean. Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for people struggling TTC there are dicks and vicious, horrible people in all walks of life and some of them will be TTC too.

A few months ago I was in a group at work where the conversation was just generally kids and age gaps came up. I have 2 dc close in age then a 7 year gap between numbers 2 and 3.

A woman asked me if I'd struggled to conceive with number 3, hence the gap. I replied that no actually we stopped at 2 but number 3 was due to contraception failure so a total surprise but we're very glad now bla bla, as you do.

Christ, if i did. She was so, so spiteful. Paraphrasing but was along the lines of 'What so you weren't even trying at all? Just messed up contraception? Why didn't you just get an abortion or better yet put him up for adoption so someone who actually wanted a baby could have one? I think it's so unfair that there are so many people who have a baby they don't even want when people like me would love one'.

Honestly, the rest of the group were and didn't know where to look. I had to walk away or I'd have lost my job.

PurBal · 19/02/2022 12:49

You didn’t “fail” at breastfeeding. It’s not a pass or fail activity. I do understand where this post is coming from as I have a number of friends and family members who conceived using IVF and sensitivity is key, but I think you might be inventing stigma because of your feelings around your breastfeeding journey.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 19/02/2022 12:53

I got pregnant the first month of trying every time. I occasionally tell people that now if we are discussing fertility or TTC but I certainly didn't tell anyone at the time, just brushed it off as 'it was quite quick really' . I was fully aware that not everyone was as lucky as us.

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