To think there’s a stigma attached to conceiving quickly?

[Piper90]

I’ve been in a couple of different social situations recently where I’ve been made to feel awkward/ guilty about having conceived our son during my first cycle. I actually felt as though I had to apologise to a friend recently, which prompted me to write this post and ask whether anyone else has experienced the same from others? I would never dream of thinking or commenting negatively on anyone else’s ttc journey, so am unsure why people think it’s appropriate to do so on mine. I’m going to have a think about how I could better respond in similar situations in future

@PolkaSpace

Change the subject

Why?

I got pregnant first cycle too. I can understand feeling uncomfortable around those who are struggling. When my friends ask I tend to go for 'we were lucky and got pregnant quickly'. And move on. That way I don't lie, but also acknowledge that it was othong we did which made it happen quickly.

I think conceiving quickly comes down to luck as well.

Yes, of course, you must be fertile, but in my case I conceived my son in the first month. When ttc no 2, I fell pregnant again in the second cycle, but then had an early miscarriage.

It took us 4 more months after that to fell pregnant with my daughter.

So just because it's quick the first time, doesn't mean it will be quick the second time.

I wouldn't share this information with anyone, but if anyone asked, I wouldn't lie.

A work colleauge who I'm loosely friends with asked me how long we were trying and I thought that was an odd question - very nosey and inquisitive. She wasn't even in a similar situation to me, she was almost 50 and already had her children.

I don’t think there is a stigma at all. You’re likely being over sensitive. I conceived quickly with both my children. You should be thankful that you’ve been lucky. If asked directly I’ve just said something like we were fortunate that it was quite quick or something vague.

I don’t think anyone cares how quickly you got pregnant. And I’m saying that as someone who finally concieved after 8 years!

But, it’s not a thing I have generally discussed with my friends or really thought about. Only I find the tiniest bit amusing is honeymoon babies: there’s just something so wholesome and adorable about them

You don’t need to go into details if it comes up. It took me nearly two yrs to conceive my daughter, during that time I met countless women who were also struggling. Many of them kept it to themselves and only told me because I was open about it and they knew what I was dealing with. If you haven’t struggled with this, you just don’t know how it feels. It may be a ‘normal bodily process’ to you, but for many it’s far from what we’re told to expect and hearing it’s happened to easily for you isn’t helpful. I’d keep it brief as pp have suggested, just say you were fortunate and you weren’t kept waiting too long. There isn’t a stigma, but there are people who come across as smug or just insensitive like one of these poster’s husbands who kept bragging about how quickly he’d got her pregnant, my husband would have found that sort of comment crushing.

I think there is more of a stigma around infertility for all it’s mote talked about now. People struggling to conceive often suffer low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Is that the case if you have conceived quickly?

I know what you mean. We conceived quickly too, and I felt really guilty telling friends who I knew were TTC for longer, especially when they kept making comments about how lucky we are.

And it wasn’t that I told them I conceived right away, they just knew we weren’t TTC until say, the summer.

I know what you mean. 19 years ago now but I felt like a bit of ''knocked up half-wit'' when I was first pregnant and people wanted to know ''was it planned?'' god the cheek of them. ''do you have a mortgage with him''.

Basically people thought I'd been a bit dumb, weren't 100% sure though, and then asked the questions they needed to know to judge me more accurately. And like an eejit I just answered all their questions.

i was a bit foolish though. But it was an emotional foolishness.

Oh well, I wish now I'd replied ''oh I must have misheard'' or ''oh is that the charming English reserved you hear about ?'' when I was asked some blunt questions.

I had the same thing. People asked me how long it took and I foolishly answered honestly (I should have told them to mind their own business) and I was made to feel bad as a result.
One person said “are you fucking serious? That’s not fair. It took me a year,” and then proceeded to reiterate how awful it had been for them. I don’t deny that, I supported them through it, but that doesn’t mean they can make me uncomfortable for it being swift.

3 kids and this question never came up. But one of my colleague was very quick to tell me she conceived on first cycle. Didn’t even ask her, she volunteered the info and I was left thinking hmm I don’t really need to know this

Obviously 90% of people just say ''congratulations' and go back to thinking about what's for dinner. But a percentage love to judge. And they need to know what they're judging you for.

Stigma is the wrong word for whatever you think is going on. There might be some envy, but that's about it I would think.

I don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time? If someone asks, should she be lying?

It’s MN for you. Several posters tend to go to the most extreme line of thinking or interpretation of what someone has written even if they didn’t say anything along those lines or words.

OP has friends that are talking about these things asking questions and obviously asking OP her experience. Not surprising. If someone is really struggling with ttc, they may be upset regardless of how someone words their own timing. I’ve only posted on here when it has come up and a friend of mine told me she was ttc and I sent her some things I researched that was supposed to help even though I wasn’t ttc. Such things are discussed with friends, why wouldn’t they be?

I don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time?

I’m not convinced she’s getting a hard time, but probably because she claimed there’s a stigma attached to something that doesn’t have a stigma attached to it at all?

@RunnerDuck2020

Why are you telling people though?

This.

When I discuss our past pregnancies with friends, none of us ask each other in which cycle we conceived. It only comes up if it took a while/was totally unexpected. For example, it took me 4 years to conceive so that would be occasionally mentioned in pregnancy related conversation. So, if you suddenly pipe up "Oh, I conceived in my first cycle" that could sound boastful and pretentious. In my experience, no woman I have ever spoken to about pregnancy has talked in terms of cycles or anyone demanded to know what cycle I conceived in. Why don't you just say that you conceived quite quickly without mentioning specific cycles?

I know what you're talking about. A couple of times people (close friends) asked how quickly it happened / it came up in conversation and I answered honestly and their response was along the lines of 'aren't you the lucky ones'. I'm not sure stigma is the right word for it but certainly like they had a bit of a chip on their shoulder. I do feel like I wouldn't answer honestly now if someone asked.

Of course there’s no stigma. That’s like saying there’s a stigma attached to being beautiful or really clever or a billionaire. It’s smug.

If people ask you don’t need to be specific. It’s nobody’s business.

As an aside I always noticed how many of the women I know took months and months to conceive but the vast majority of DH’s mates managed it first try - strange.

I conceived DC2 on my first cycle at 39! As I had my kids at 37 and and 40. I find friends who are ttc often ask me how long it took me conceive. I explain that I did conceive on the first try but I was expecting it to take 6 months + due to my age and that I was very lucky.

I don’t tell people how quickly I conceived unless they ask. I find often nowadays people tend to go for a 3 year (or 4 year) age gap so they are not stuck paying two sets of nursery fees. Since I had my kids later I tell people I felt like I needed to get a move on due to my age (kids are 2.4 years apart)

I fell pregnant with twins (2 separate eggs) in the first month of ttc, in fact we only had sex once and I was pregnant. I didn’t expect it be so quick and was shocked, I have never told anyone this as it hasn’t come up in conversation. I especially would never tell my sister who took 3 years to fall pregnant.

I don't particularly think there is a stigma about conceiving quickly after TTC, but there is a stigma about a lot of childbirth/ pregnancy/ timing related things:

• A lot of stigma r.e. conceiving/ TTC "young," e.g. under 25.

-A lot of stigma r.e. conceiving "older," e.g. over 40, even if it happened naturally/ quickly. -A lot of stigma about having an only child/ deciding not to have more than one child.

• Stigma about having more than 3/4 children, ( the Mumsnet threads/ opinions on large families are awful).

Stigma in that people feel "sorry," for you if you have 2/3kids of the same sex. -People don't understand why you would try for a third if you have one of each sex anyway, ( two kids, boy and a girl, seems to be the ideal and only acceptable family).

• Short age gaps, ( e.g. two conceived within a year), are judged, ( "at it like rabbit).

-Large age gaps, ( e.g. 4/5 years between siblings), are also judged.

In short, women are judged an awful lot for pregnancy/ size of their family/ conception timings.

It is a topic that comes up sometimes in the early years of parenting normally around the zone when peers are still TTC. It tends to fizzle along with birth/ labour/ breastfeeding/ weaning type conversations.

Sometimes people ask questions that they don't like the answers to. It's not something to brag about, it's chance, not amazing decision making, and there is a sensitivity issue where people have struggled to create their family, but there's nothing wrong with honestly answering that it did happen quickly. Some people can be easily offended by lots of things though.
I've known people who do take others' good fortune as a slight whatever the topic.

You’re fine OP.

You just used the wrong word for it and now you’re going to be told:

• how that’s not right, and you’re being dramatic

-how you should do xyz because you’re at fault for answering a question that someone ASKED you

• how seemingly people don’t talk about such things so you must be lying or mentioning it yourself

The biggest one will be the # of people who couldn’t be bothered to read your posts and will ask the same questions that have already been asked.

There's a thread about a poster who's trying and has a friend who has conceived quickly - some of the posters on there are being quite brutal about the friend's easy conception and willingness to share her pregnancy so early.

And, for all those saying there's no stigma to conceiving quickly - the OP has been called 'boastful' several times and there are plenty of comments on this thread saying that the OP shouldn't tell people that she conceived quickly, even if asked, so the issue clearly does bring out some strong feelings in people in a way that talking about struggling to conceive doesn't seem to.

I know exactly what you mean.

I convinced quickly both times, once first cycle and once second.

And there was a time in my life when it did seem to be something that people were discussing and asking me about a lot, in general 'mum' type conversations. And then getting sniffy, as if I was bragging about it, which was ridiculous, as you've said, I had no control over it.

I suspect I even lost a friend over it, though it's never been spelled out. The worst part is, I've had every other issue going, awful pregnancies, dreadful, traumatic births, issues with feeding, hugely unsettled babies, and I never tried to make people feel bad that I percieved other parts of their parenting journey to be easier than mine.

Thankfully, now my kids much older and most my friends are past the TTC stage, it doesn't come up anymore!