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Original poster

Toxic SIL family event

156 replies

Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:05

Bit of background

Sil has always been off with my daughter whether its intentional or off the cuff she always comments on her size. The first thing she said about her when born was she doesn't look like a newborn baby. Fast forward 11 years.. everytime she sees my DD she comments about her feet size and her body size. which has developed a low self esteem and she thinks she's ugly. But if I say anything the whole family (DH side) witch hunts me. She isn't fat she's very very skinny but tall and she's 11 with size 4 feet. But sil makes a huge deal of it everytime " god your massive you" "you got massive feet like your mum you" "you got massive hands like shovels"

Anyway so I already don't like her due to this..she also sees her other niece and nephew (DD cousins) every week they get impromptu gifts etc never says anything about their size. And i know its not a big deal but when its their birthday she does a post on social media with their picture "a big happy birthday blah blah" but doesn't for my DD.

Anyway She now has own kid (3) and when its anything for her kid she's on the phone ill be popping round for kids birthday present/ Easter egg etc..
I had another baby sep last year she hasn't been to see her. But she's message saying its her kids christening.

I just dont want to go, she's not interested in meeting my baby so why should I celebrate for her? and she's toxic towards my daughter. DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2022 10:07

Don’t go. She’s a nasty piece of work. And he’s not the boss of you so he doesn’t get to tell you what to do.

SoftwareDev · 19/02/2022 10:08

So is your husband okay with these comments?

Lobster2018 · 19/02/2022 10:09

No contact surely? She's been bullying your DD for 11years! That woman wouldn't be stepping foot in my house or near my DC.

ChaToilLeam · 19/02/2022 10:10

DP doesn’t get to tell you what to do. He can go alone. What’s he going to do, pick you up and put you in the car?

2pinkginsplease · 19/02/2022 10:11

She is horrid to your eldest and hasn’t seen her baby niece who is now 5 months old?

I wouldn’t be making an effort , her and the whole family would be getting told why. Dh can go and listen to her crap but when it affects children then it’s not on.

TimeForTeaAndG · 19/02/2022 10:11

I wouldn't have continued to expose my DD to those comments. You say yourself her self-esteem is now low. Protect her from this horrible person and if your DH can't see the issue then maybe a look at statistics of kids with eating disorders might bring it into focus for him.

Ionlydomassiveones · 19/02/2022 10:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:12

@SoftwareDev he thinks I take it to heart and they're not meant to be mean but its affected my DD confidence and yes you can say oh bloody hell you're tall for your age and there no harm done but not every single time that's my point. There's a difference.

OP posts:
Mummytobe93 · 19/02/2022 10:12

No offence but fuck her.

Why would you and your kids be around someone who makes such nasty remarks? It sends a wrong signal to your daughter that you’re remaining friends with her bully.

Just send your DH to the christening.

Cherrysoup · 19/02/2022 10:13

Seriously, your dh is going to make you go? How? Will he be picking you up and putting you in the car? Remind him what an absolute bitch she’s been to his dd.

Mummytobe93 · 19/02/2022 10:14

Having said that, me being the petty bitch that I’m I’d confront her about it and/or start making remarks about her looks - I suppose she isn’t a supermodel?

LakieLady · 19/02/2022 10:15

She sounds utterly vile and I wouldn't go. DH can suck it up, or explain that you are sick and tired of her bitchy comments about your DDs appearance and size and that you couldn't face going because of the way she carries on.

I'm LC with one of my SILs because I can't abide her racism and extreme right wing views. She knows, because I never go to family things unless I know she's not going to be there, and MIL totally gets it.

Chloemol · 19/02/2022 10:15

Sit you dh down, tell him the effect the comments are having on I assume his daughter. They are bullying

Explain about the Facebook posts, explain about the presents and that she treats his daughter unfairly to others

You and the kids are not going to any more family events she is at as you have to protect your children as he won’t

He can go on his own

dentistattic · 19/02/2022 10:15

Have you spoken to her about this face to face? It's not on and should have been stopped years ago.
"sil, DD is very upset that you keep mentioning her height/shoe size etc. she's at a very vulnerable age and I'm afraid is developing a complex. Can you please refrain from ever commenting about her appearance again, unless it's in a genuinely positive light?"

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/02/2022 10:17

Your husband needs to STFU and stop allowing your daughter to be abused. What the hell is he thinking?

Putvyour foot down and stay away, your daughter too.

I was your daughter's size at 11, now a average hight with size 5 feet. She normal. Your SIL on the other hand is shit.

Yesmate · 19/02/2022 10:17

DH wouldn’t allow you not to go. Fuck that. He does not decide what you do and don’t do. I wouldn’t be letting my child anywhere near this damaging and toxic SIL

Original poster
Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:19

@Mummytobe93 she certainly isn't a super model she's overweight for a start. But every time ive said something to DH for him to tell her he says she doesn't mean it in a nasty way. OK so lets say she isn't its still affecting my DD so he should say something I've opened my mouth in the past with his fam (unrelated topic) and it didn't go down well.

OP posts:
Furbaby2842 · 19/02/2022 10:19

I can't believe your DH allows these comments to continue. YANBU to not go.

Charles11 · 19/02/2022 10:19

I wouldn’t go either. Just come up with an excuse if you have to. I did the same and refused to go to toxic sils occasion.
If you do find yourself having to go, then stand up for your Dd. Tell dd beforehand that she’s likely to say her usual tedious phrase and to not take it to heart and laugh with your dd about it. Then when she says it, say something.
Tell your dh that he needs to man up and stick up for his daughter too.

Onlyforcake · 19/02/2022 10:20

Are you actively a Christian? If you're not just say you're not going because of that. If you are then it's trickier. Definitely don't let DD be around someone like that and make it clear to your DH you will be protecting your child from her going forward. DH needs to step up here.

Original poster
Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:21

@dentistattic yes we have told everyone because a few others used to comment. And we just generalised to everyone so we didn't single one person out because we gave benefit of the doubt and thought ok you might not be intending on being hurtful. But it just carried on she doesn't see her very often anyway but when she does she comments on her size

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/02/2022 10:22

You need to look at your DH, I'd be going batshit that he thinks it's ok for his 11 year old daughter to be publicly humiliated about her appearance, and that you get shit from his family for saying something. He should be saying something. It doesnt even need to be confrontational just 'heads up for when we see you later, please can you not make any comments on DDs height or size or appearance, its getting her down, thanks'. If sil does it you need to say youd DD is perfect, you wont listen to her criticise her appearance and take your daughter and leave.

What are you or your daughter actually getting out of this relationship anyway?

And what do you say when she phones to say she will be round to collect present or easter egg etc...I hope its 'oh I thought we didnt do presents for kids' or 'great now we are doing presents you can drop of 11 years of birthday and xmas for DD'

Your husband sounds like a shit for letting this happen to your poor DD, putting your feelings before your SIL?, making you pit up with a load of shit because 'family' and telling you what you're 'allowed' to do or not. Your DD needs someone to stick up for her so I think you should do it and fuck whatever he thinks

Original poster
Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:23

He is just the most laid back person ever and just thinks everyone is kind and and doesn't mean what they say in a bad way but regardless if she was being nice if a child's confidence is down you stop saying whatever it is your saying. I just feels like she has a problem with her which is bizarre because she's a child!

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 19/02/2022 10:24

Your husband is absolutely dreadful for ignoring these comments. I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone like this.

TheWelshposter · 19/02/2022 10:24

I had a couple, just a couple, of comments on my body shape made when I was 16/17 and they have stayed with me for 20 years.

I would be staying away from anyone who allowed these comments to be made to my daughter, including the 'D'H. Sounds like a toxic horrible family.