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AIBU?

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Original poster

Toxic SIL family event

156 replies

Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:05

Bit of background

Sil has always been off with my daughter whether its intentional or off the cuff she always comments on her size. The first thing she said about her when born was she doesn't look like a newborn baby. Fast forward 11 years.. everytime she sees my DD she comments about her feet size and her body size. which has developed a low self esteem and she thinks she's ugly. But if I say anything the whole family (DH side) witch hunts me. She isn't fat she's very very skinny but tall and she's 11 with size 4 feet. But sil makes a huge deal of it everytime " god your massive you" "you got massive feet like your mum you" "you got massive hands like shovels"

Anyway so I already don't like her due to this..she also sees her other niece and nephew (DD cousins) every week they get impromptu gifts etc never says anything about their size. And i know its not a big deal but when its their birthday she does a post on social media with their picture "a big happy birthday blah blah" but doesn't for my DD.

Anyway She now has own kid (3) and when its anything for her kid she's on the phone ill be popping round for kids birthday present/ Easter egg etc..
I had another baby sep last year she hasn't been to see her. But she's message saying its her kids christening.

I just dont want to go, she's not interested in meeting my baby so why should I celebrate for her? and she's toxic towards my daughter. DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2022 12:45

The most important thing here is your dd’s self esteem. We no longer see the people, who were regularly unkind to my dd because she was the bigger, older, should know better child (and vile to me). This started when she was about 6, still very little. I used to take her to one side and explain to her about them looking like grown ups but that some people never become real grown ups. Instead they’re actually tall children, who say silly and mean things; we know what they’re saying is not true and we know the truth is bla and you’re lovely etc.

I know your dd is older. Perhaps this will help. Does she want to go to the christening. At 11 she is old enough to be consulted by you (not her father).

As for your what to say to your sil. I know you don’t want to. However, my thoughts are if you made a couple of comments she’d quickly get upset and you could at that point tell her / the family / your husband this is how you and dd feel. Eg oooh you’re so puny, look how tiny his arms are, I’m surprised he can run that fast with those matchstick legs.

From what you say, I wonder if your sil either doesn’t like your dd or is jealous of you for having children before her so idk if talking about her ds in this way would make her realise what a idiot she has been.

As for feet size, my dd had size 5.5/6 by year 6 and they haven’t grown. She also was one of the taller girls in primary, the second tallest at some stage. She had a last growth spurt in year 7 and but has has hardly grown since. Her friends have crept up to her height. It is possible she may grow again but increasingly unlikely. Year 9.

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2022 12:46

@Wlifebalance

He is just the most laid back person ever and just thinks everyone is kind and and doesn't mean what they say in a bad way but regardless if she was being nice if a child's confidence is down you stop saying whatever it is your saying. I just feels like she has a problem with her which is bizarre because she's a child!
He's not laid back

He's spineless and lazy

And you can tell him there's no 'not allowing' you to refuse to go.

He's a shit father

Ellie56 · 19/02/2022 12:48

@Wlifebalance

He is just the most laid back person ever and just thinks everyone is kind and and doesn't mean what they say in a bad way but regardless if she was being nice if a child's confidence is down you stop saying whatever it is your saying. I just feels like she has a problem with her which is bizarre because she's a child!
Well he needs to stop being so bloody laid back and deluded and start sticking up for his daughter!

What a vile woman. I wouldn't be going and nor would DD.

ISmellBurnings · 19/02/2022 12:48

Your poor DD growing up with this shit.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/02/2022 12:48

I agree that he's a shit, clueless dad.
Just a shit dad.

Your poor daughter.
It must be horrible having such a shit dad who allows her to be undermined.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/02/2022 12:50

You should show this arsehole this thread.

zen1 · 19/02/2022 12:54

How does your DH explain away the fact that SIL has never seen your 5 month old and doesn’t acknowledge the 11 year old’s birthday when she does for her other niece and nephew? Is that a case of “she doesn’t mean it” too?

KerryWeaver · 19/02/2022 12:55

You have a DH problem. He should have sorted this long ago

Backtomyoldname · 19/02/2022 13:00

A positive covid test would be a wonderful thing! Then you needn’t go to the Christening!

Its not as if you’d have to show it - just say on the morning.

PinkSyCo · 19/02/2022 13:00

I’m shocked that you’ve let this go on for so long that it’s got to the point of affecting your DD’s self esteem. Poor kid probably sees herself as some sort of grotesque oddity, and I would have cut ties with your SIL and the rest of your DH’s precious (awful) “family” who you say would ‘witch hunt’ you if you dared to stick up for your DD.
Your DH is a dick for not ‘allowing’ you not to go to this christening and you should ignore him because your DD is “family” too, and she should come before any other members for both of you.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 19/02/2022 13:04

I'd have given this bullying cow a smack across the face by now for speaking to my daughter like that! Self esteem issues carry on throughout life OP.

Mellowyellow222 · 19/02/2022 13:05

This woman is insensitive and unpleasant. And has dreadful grammar!

Tell your daughter she is a dick. I see no problem with explaining to children that some adults are just unpleasant and you absolutely have her back.

I had a cackle of mean aunts. My parents never stuck up for me and they were always commenting on my weight and my appetite. Puberty was dreadful - there was a humiliating running commentary.

You and your husband have a chance to be heroes here. Your husband needs a wake up call - his sister should not be bullying his child.

SuperSange · 19/02/2022 13:05

No bloody way would my husband be telling me what to do if his bitch sister was being awful o my child. Your poor daughter. Even her parents wont protect her from it. I know you're afraid of a backlash but you're putting that ahead of your daughter I'm afraid.

BakeOffRewatch · 19/02/2022 13:07

@Wlifebalance

He is just the most laid back person ever and just thinks everyone is kind and and doesn't mean what they say in a bad way but regardless if she was being nice if a child's confidence is down you stop saying whatever it is your saying. I just feels like she has a problem with her which is bizarre because she's a child!
He’s the most laid back person ever but doesn’t allow you to not go… so how come he’s controlling with you. He can clearly step in when he thinks something is not ok.
GabriellaMontez · 19/02/2022 13:11

Your husband is as awful as his sister. But as he's so "laid back" I'm sure he'll be fine with you not going to the christening or anywhere his sister will be.

T00Ts · 19/02/2022 13:11

@T00Ts

Excuse my French, but she’s a cunt.
DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"

And further to my earlier comment, you’re married to a stupid twat. A minimising, lazy, gaslighting, controlling terrible father of a twat. Being awful people obviously runs in that family.

Protect your daughter from their cruelty.

MrsTrumpton · 19/02/2022 13:13

This has made my blood boil! Fuck your DH's family taking it out on you, you need to go ballistic the next time SIL says something. Show your daughter you have her back!!! But first, go and wipe the floor with your DH for standing back and letting his child be bullied by an adult! Why isn't he protecting her? I was similarly tall and had big feet (size 8) by the age of 12, and every time a family member commented I would feel wounded shrink into myself. I'm in my 50s and I still feel so self-conscious about both. But it's not too late to turn this around for your daughter and instil her with confidence – but you really need to find your voice and stop being so bloody passive.

Also, if you blow up but the comments still persist, and your DH keeps enabling SIL by dismissing it as harmless, then I would seriously be questioning staying married to someone who puts his family's "jokes" about his daughter's mental health and self-esteem.

Samanabanana · 19/02/2022 13:21

If you feel you really must carry on seeing SIL and she continues to say negative things to your DD, you need to counteract it... God, you're so tall and gangly- yes DD is so tall, she could be a supermodel, etc. Turn those negatives into positives and hopefully SIL will get the message without you having to go up against the family. But ideally your DD needs protecting from these constant negative comments by telling SIL to fuck off.

Hollywolly1 · 19/02/2022 13:23

I only read the first couple of lines in your post and keep your child away from those witches like wtf ,they seem absolutely awful and size 4 seems very normal to me and does it matter if she had size 10 feet why would anyone be so negative towards a child. I think I see the bigger picture though and seems your sil is very jealous of you

padsi1975 · 19/02/2022 13:25

I think it's time to object on the spot, to her face. That's horrible and just totally unnecessary and inappropriate.

Phobiaphobic · 19/02/2022 13:26

I've seen men who are afraid of conflict ignore bad behaviour until it has caused real lasting damage that cannot be undone. It's just cowardly, not laid back.

Hollywolly1 · 19/02/2022 13:31

Protect your children and keep them as far away from that nasty piece of work as possible.
Would you allow a stranger on the street to say those horrible things to your child?? So why would it be any different just because she is a sil?? .

coconutpie · 19/02/2022 13:59

I can't believe that you are letting your DD be around that evil bitch. She has been emotionally abusing your DD for years, making her feel like she is good for nothing but criticism of her appearance. Not only do you have a massive DH problem, but you are also the problem - you are facilitating SIL's constant bullying / abuse because you say nothing. This has been going on for 11 years!! Woman up and tell your SIL to fuck off. And tell your DH that he is also an enabler. I can't believe he is ok with his sister saying those horrible things to his DD.

Stop attending family events. Tell SIL she is a nasty rotten person and you want nothing more to do with her. When your DD is older, she will thank you for standing up for her. If you say nothing, she will hold you responsible (as she should). It is up to YOU to protect her, not put her in harm's way.

coconutpie · 19/02/2022 14:00

Oh and you have a lot of work ahead of you to try and build up your DD's self esteem now because of this.

Maray1967 · 19/02/2022 14:31

Please stand up for your child. Shut the comments down as PP said - if a comment is made, reassure your DD loudly and clearly that she is fine.
Tell your DH very clearly that this is not good for your DD and if he doesn’t address this nastiness with his family you and DD won’t be going anywhere near them.