Toxic SIL family event

[Wlifebalance]

Bit of background

Sil has always been off with my daughter whether its intentional or off the cuff she always comments on her size. The first thing she said about her when born was she doesn't look like a newborn baby. Fast forward 11 years.. everytime she sees my DD she comments about her feet size and her body size. which has developed a low self esteem and she thinks she's ugly. But if I say anything the whole family (DH side) witch hunts me. She isn't fat she's very very skinny but tall and she's 11 with size 4 feet. But sil makes a huge deal of it everytime " god your massive you" "you got massive feet like your mum you" "you got massive hands like shovels"

Anyway so I already don't like her due to this..she also sees her other niece and nephew (DD cousins) every week they get impromptu gifts etc never says anything about their size. And i know its not a big deal but when its their birthday she does a post on social media with their picture "a big happy birthday blah blah" but doesn't for my DD.

Anyway She now has own kid (3) and when its anything for her kid she's on the phone ill be popping round for kids birthday present/ Easter egg etc..
I had another baby sep last year she hasn't been to see her. But she's message saying its her kids christening.

I just dont want to go, she's not interested in meeting my baby so why should I celebrate for her? and she's toxic towards my daughter. DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"

It’s better to deal with issues directly and call people out to their face, but if you’re not confident enough to do that have you tried making some ‘polite’ comments about her weight? A bit petty but it might bait her into an argument, where you can feign ignorance so that she’ll hopefully dig herself a hole explaining why it’s rude and inappropriate for you to comment on someone’s physical appearance.

I’d just cut the whole family out though tbh. Stand your ground against DH, he can’t force you to do anything and once he realises that you’re serious he might actually start to look at the problem properly.

I wouldn’t go, I’d be cutting all contact if my child’s aunt was causing my child distress over their appearance.
Is she just surprised by her height or speed of growth?
My dd is very skinny, aged 10 and size 4 feet, going on size 5! She is ridiculously tall as well but no one has ever made her feel inferior, everyone always comments on her size but never in a negative way, they are always more surprised at how quickly she is growing and shocked that she is basically taller or nearing the same height as most of the adults in the family

@gingerbiscuits

Christ, she sounds like a toxic witch! Why on earth would you put you & your kids through that? Your poor daughter. I'd dig my heels in & cut her loose. No loss. And your husband needs to get a backbone & stand up for his daughter!

Absolutely this. You need to deal with your DH and your SIL. This has to stop, its already caused huge damage.

Ok, so what will happen if he has a word with sil, or says he has, and sil does it anyway? You are back to square one. You need an exit plan, or perhaps better not to go at all. Even feigning a last minute illness would be better than risking your DD to this dreadful woman.

* She sounds utterly vile and I wouldn't go. DH can suck it up, or explain that you are sick and tired of her bitchy comments about your DDs appearance and size and that you couldn't face going because of the way she carries on.*

^This

Just tell her that you’ve bought her kids exactly what she got yours. She’s welcome to pop around and get it any time, but she’ll be wasting petrol. I’d also pull her up on her toxic comments every single time. Not acceptable.

I'm afraid I'd have cut the bitch down straight away myself ,I absolutely won't tolerate an adult behaving that way .

He is just the most laid back person ever

reads in this scenario, no back bone and doesn't stand up up and say actually stop that its unkind

if he was that laid back he wouldn't be bothered about you not attending the christening, but he is and makes the excuse "its family"
as he's not really laid back at all

either go use the stock Mumsnet frame over and over again to your SIL

did you mean to be so rude

if they try and gas light you with

your being sensitive

just flatly say - so you are being rude then. so stop

don't get further into an argument than this - really hard but stare and don't say another word

broken record with them, constantly tell them its rude, the behaviour Is rude. Say it quietly and often and remember those two sentence

did you meant to be so rude
so you did mean to be rude

My take on this is that you have to state really clearly so there is no wiggle room for misinterpreting what you're saying and you say this to your DH
"DH, I am not going with you to SiL event on X day and I'm also not allowing you to take DD to this event either. I am not allowing you to expose our daughter to the repetitive comments coming from your sister about our daughter's size. It is impacting on our daughter's confidence and giving her a negative body image. It is not healthy and I'm putting a stop to it.
I am not stopping you however but if you go, and someone asks where either I am or DD is, you are to tell them that I've put a stop to DD being exposed to the comments about her body coming from your sister, her aunt and the rest of the family. They all owe our daughter a sincere apology for repeatedly commenting on her body. I am empowering our daughter to be able to stand up for herself. She needs a positive role model and your sister is not that. I see this as a watershed moment where you can stand up for your daughter and stand up to your family about what is and is not acceptable. It is now entirely up to you"
and see how you get on

Best of luck with it!

These things stay with you
She won't forget these comments
You've married a dud

Your instincts to protect your daughter are 100% right here.

It sounds like your DH isn't going to do it so you need to step up and have the conversation with your SIL.

What @dentistattic said is exactly the right language. I agree that SIL will act offended and say you're taking things too seriously. You need to say it is hurting your daughter, you don't want your daughter to be hurt and the comments need to stop.

On attending the christening and everything else, don't use the kids to play a tit-for-tat game. Go politely along with it but keep yourself emotionally detached.

SIL is a CF, she will probably always be a CF and the best thing you can do is be a role model for your daughter on the right way to treat people. Even if they are CFs!

Blimey. To use a MN quote, you really have a DH problem! Being laid back has meant that your DD is being verbally bullied by this horrible woman. I think you need to put your foot down with both of them to be honest, and tell them it stops now. I feel really sorry for your DD 😕 Your DH should be doing much more to stop this.

Excuse my French, but she’s a cunt.

Dh can fuck right off if he did his job and pulled his entire family up on their shitty behaviour you could all go and play nice. He hasn't so I don't see why you should have to tow the line. Avoid them like the plague.

What kind of a woman would systematically bully a child like this? I agree she's a cunt and your DH needs to step up and protect his daughter

I'm so sorry for your daughter. I've always been tall. I used to get strangers stop me in the street to tell me how big I was (specifically BIG), other students, parents etc. I was severely underweight but never saw it because I'd been called big all my life. I hated being a foot taller than all my friends, not feeling cute, towering over boys etc. When doctors started commenting on being under weight being bad for my health it it was very difficult to understand. I don't really know what the answers are but just wanted to share my experience. She's not alone, sadly.

So you have a spineless bully of a husband who allows his child be bullied by his sister?

He also gaslights you about his sister not meaning it, when you know well she is deliberately being nasty?

He also bullies you by insisting you see his family.

Your poor daughter in such an awful family.

A father who watches her being bullied and a mother who doesn't realise what is going on around her.

So sad.

Your daughters confidence being destroyed.

Just awful.

Have you any family to support you?

You need to protect your daughter from her father who doesn't care about her and his awful family.

Your poor daughter.

Protect her.

This is where a cough and a sore throat comes in REALLY handy…

But you do need to tell your h that you’re (a) not going because his sister is a bitch and (b) won’t be having anything more to do with the lot of them because they’re all standing by while his sister is being a bitch.

Your dd is being bullied in front of everyone and you’re not going to allow it anymore

She won’t be able to drop by to pick up gifts etc because there won’t be. At best, he can tell his sister that you’ll exchange gifts of equal measure- she doesn’t bother, so you won’t be either

Totally empathise with pp. I shot up to 5'10 when I was 14. I was tall and slim. My best friend had the same name as me and was 5'3 and quite overweight. We were known as big "K" and little "k". Me being the big one. I always felt clunky and massive. I look back at pictures now and still feel sad for my younger self

As above. Protect your dd. The damage being done to her is horrendous yet preventable.

[quote Wlifebalance]@Mummytobe93 she certainly isn't a super model she's overweight for a start. But every time ive said something to DH for him to tell her he says she doesn't mean it in a nasty way. OK so lets say she isn't its still affecting my DD so he should say something I've opened my mouth in the past with his fam (unrelated topic) and it didn't go down well.[/quote]
It doesn't matter whether he thinks she means it in a nasty way or not.

What matters is the feelings of the person on the receiving end.

If anyone had consistently directed any of those comments towards my child she would have been slapped upside her head and no longer be considered any part of my family. Your DH needs his head examined to make excuses for her especially as this is affecting your daughters mental health.

My SIL (DPs brothers wife) was always a bit prickly, but the family always walked on egg shells around her.. She had some issues with depression, so everyone was scared in case it set her off.

Looking back she was straight up jealous, she’s very materialistic and saw us as each owning property and having new cars (before kids, lots of disposable income!) So when we moved in together and shortly after announced we were having a baby she was absolutely furious and once snidely told her DH she married the wrong brother! Never forgot that comment. She made it clear she couldn’t give a rats ass about our children and as a result my DP lost his brother for a while as they never accepted any attempt to mend bridges.

I would never make excuses for her behaviour, but I think her nastiness was just plain jealously. When she had her children, I never treated them with indifference, but I know I don’t feel for them the same way as I do my siblings children. I don’t see them often, but deep down I know I hold some residual resentment over the way she reacted to us when our babies were born.

Your SILs attitude could be the same, you can’t win in that situation she is who she is. Things might eat better, but

My siblngs and parents are lik this. The find cruelty and humiliation funny. I put up with it my whole life because I didn't know any better. Until they started on my DS. Been no contact ever since. My wonderful, laid back DH supports me fully in this and has stood firm when they've tried to use his kindness as a way of pulling us back in.

So go NC with your SIL and protect your DD, better late than never. And if your DH doesn't have your DD's back then go NC with him too.

So OP we’re all unanimous- YABU to allow this to go on. You seem to be looking for an easy way out so you don’t actually have to DO anything, yet not attending and telling your DH to sort his shit out is a pretty good option. You still taking the easy way?

I'd go, just to tell her what big ears her baby has, just like her mum. "I bet she passed the hearing test with flying colours with ears that size!"

Nasty cow. I would go NC and try to avoid your DD seeing her too if she's having a negative impact on her. Explain to your daughter that there's something not right about her aunt and to ignore what she says.

And next time she says something to your DD, make sure you stand up for her "can you stop saying that? You're like a broken record".