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Original poster

Toxic SIL family event

156 replies

Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:05

Bit of background

Sil has always been off with my daughter whether its intentional or off the cuff she always comments on her size. The first thing she said about her when born was she doesn't look like a newborn baby. Fast forward 11 years.. everytime she sees my DD she comments about her feet size and her body size. which has developed a low self esteem and she thinks she's ugly. But if I say anything the whole family (DH side) witch hunts me. She isn't fat she's very very skinny but tall and she's 11 with size 4 feet. But sil makes a huge deal of it everytime " god your massive you" "you got massive feet like your mum you" "you got massive hands like shovels"

Anyway so I already don't like her due to this..she also sees her other niece and nephew (DD cousins) every week they get impromptu gifts etc never says anything about their size. And i know its not a big deal but when its their birthday she does a post on social media with their picture "a big happy birthday blah blah" but doesn't for my DD.

Anyway She now has own kid (3) and when its anything for her kid she's on the phone ill be popping round for kids birthday present/ Easter egg etc..
I had another baby sep last year she hasn't been to see her. But she's message saying its her kids christening.

I just dont want to go, she's not interested in meeting my baby so why should I celebrate for her? and she's toxic towards my daughter. DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"

OP posts:
Mollyforgot · 19/02/2022 10:24

My daughter is 11 with size 7 feet! Size 4 is pretty standard for an 11 year old! How odd! I suggest your husband to ask your daughter how she feels about it, maybe he'll believe her even if he won't believe you! And I'd stick up for your daughter everytime!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/02/2022 10:24

I dont think I'd be able to stop making a comment back about something she is sensitive about. Weight, ageing, whatever. Nasty and petty and unlikely to solve anything. But satisfying to say 'what, I didnt mean it to be nasty it was just a comment!'

hiraffe · 19/02/2022 10:24

I don't understand, are they hobbits. How is shoe size 4 at 11 massive feet?

MrsBertBibby · 19/02/2022 10:25

DH wouldn't allow me not to go

WTF? It's not up to him where you go.

Your husband is the problem here.

hiraffe · 19/02/2022 10:26

Personally I would highlight their flaws & also openly say it's rude & inappropriate what they are saying

arethereanyleftatall · 19/02/2022 10:26

You should have left the whole lot of them a very very long time ago. Protection of your daughter comes first.

Original poster
Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:26

I get absolutely nothing from the relationship I just keep peace so its not awkward for others. Im getting my baby baptised and I dont even want to invite her tbh

OP posts:
Getoutofbed25 · 19/02/2022 10:27

I’d be saying ‘oh wow SIL baby reminds me of DD as a baby, I think there are lots of similarities’
SIL says oh no they are nothing alike ‘ oh yes can’t you see her beautiful hands are just like DD’s, they could be siblings’ ‘Oh lovely DN you are going to grow up to be just like your beautiful cousin’ if keep saying how similar they look.
I’d also go low contact and tell DH I won’t have DD abused by her careless comments anymore and that as a grown adults she speaks respectfully to DD or doesn’t see her. DH needs to step up and protect his DD

MrsBertBibby · 19/02/2022 10:28

So stop keeping the peace.

Emo76 · 19/02/2022 10:28

You are not in any way obliged to attend her events or have contact. Time to leave it to your DH. How dare he "not allow you" to miss it. Your poor DD. Put her first here.

Cocolapew · 19/02/2022 10:32

Your husband isn't laid back he's spineless.
Wtf haven't you protected your DD from this? Ffs stand up for her and keep her away from these people.

Original poster
Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:32

I don't want to take it out on a child as its their occasion but I think if I say OK ill go but tell DH to tell SIL in advance not to comment on DD appearance if he can't do it then we won't go.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 19/02/2022 10:32

"DH WOULDN'T ALLOW you not to go"? you have bigger problems than a toxic SIL

TheTeenageYears · 19/02/2022 10:33

Completely missing the point but many girls feet stop growing at around age 11 and a 4 definitely isn't large at that age. DD was a 6 at the start of Y8 and her feet haven't grown since she was 11-12.

godmum56 · 19/02/2022 10:33

@Wlifebalance

I get absolutely nothing from the relationship I just keep peace so its not awkward for others. Im getting my baby baptised and I dont even want to invite her tbh
but it IS awkward for others...its awkard for your daughter!
Pixiedust1234 · 19/02/2022 10:35

@Wlifebalance

He is just the most laid back person ever and just thinks everyone is kind and and doesn't mean what they say in a bad way but regardless if she was being nice if a child's confidence is down you stop saying whatever it is your saying. I just feels like she has a problem with her which is bizarre because she's a child!
He is not laidback and thinks everyone is kind. He is actually lazy and can't be arsed to do anything. Dont confuse the two. The fact he is insisting you both go is not a laid back and kind approach to you or his daughter. He is all image and no substance. Time to go mommabear and protect your daughter now as puberty is where mh problems begin and can affect your entire life.
SoftwareDev · 19/02/2022 10:35

Life is too short. Being “family” is not an excuse to treat people appallingly. I wouldn’t be going to any of her events or inviting her to mine.

If your paths cross I’d publicly call her out on every comment as she says them. I’d use it as a teaching tool for your daughter. “Aunt X has just made a comment about your size however as we both know you have a perfectly healthy BMI. Perhaps she’s not aware of what a healthy BMI looks like?”.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/02/2022 10:36

@Cocolapew

Your husband isn't laid back he's spineless. Wtf haven't you protected your DD from this? Ffs stand up for her and keep her away from these people.
Exactly, exactly this. When I fell in love with my ex 'laidback' was a positive word I used to describe him. What it actually means is - spineless, a coward, thoughtless, lazy, and will never have anyones back if it means they might come out the bad guy. Including, on this instance, their own daughter. Your rose tinted spectacles need to come off pdq for your dds sake.
AchillesPoirot · 19/02/2022 10:38

You have a massive DH problem

Bargoed · 19/02/2022 10:39

Tel your husband to step up or you are NEVER going to another event with his family. And tell your parents in laws why

IndecentObsession · 19/02/2022 10:43

Be careful "keeping the peace". All it does is validate the bully - which is exactly what your SIL is. My parents were always one to "keep the peace" and I grew up people pleasing and doing the same. It's only recently that I realised that if someone causes upset you have a right to call them out on it and make them aware that the behaviour is unacceptable. Not only that I'm teaching my children that their feelings are valid and they do not have to tolerate harmful behaviour.

username1293948 · 19/02/2022 10:44

Don’t go! I also wouldn’t care who comes for me, if anyone continually spoke about my already insecure child I would go ballistic and ensure they kept their mouth shut in future. Stick up for your child or do not bring her around these people again.

PolkaSpace · 19/02/2022 10:45

She's a nasty bully. Have nothing to do with her

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/02/2022 10:46

he thinks I take it to heart and they're not meant to be mean

Oh dear Hmm

I'd suggest being a bit more assertive as to exactly what she's doing, sending him alone to the event and avoiding her completely (and I don't recommend that last one easily)

WallaceinAnderland · 19/02/2022 10:50

DH wouldn't allow me not to go

Excuse me? You do know this is not normal or acceptable don't you?

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