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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toxic SIL family event

156 replies

Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:05

Bit of background

Sil has always been off with my daughter whether its intentional or off the cuff she always comments on her size. The first thing she said about her when born was she doesn't look like a newborn baby. Fast forward 11 years.. everytime she sees my DD she comments about her feet size and her body size. which has developed a low self esteem and she thinks she's ugly. But if I say anything the whole family (DH side) witch hunts me. She isn't fat she's very very skinny but tall and she's 11 with size 4 feet. But sil makes a huge deal of it everytime " god your massive you" "you got massive feet like your mum you" "you got massive hands like shovels"

Anyway so I already don't like her due to this..she also sees her other niece and nephew (DD cousins) every week they get impromptu gifts etc never says anything about their size. And i know its not a big deal but when its their birthday she does a post on social media with their picture "a big happy birthday blah blah" but doesn't for my DD.

Anyway She now has own kid (3) and when its anything for her kid she's on the phone ill be popping round for kids birthday present/ Easter egg etc..
I had another baby sep last year she hasn't been to see her. But she's message saying its her kids christening.

I just dont want to go, she's not interested in meeting my baby so why should I celebrate for her? and she's toxic towards my daughter. DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/02/2022 11:09

Your "D"H is a contemptible arse, if he thinks that it's ok for his sister to talk to your DD like that.
If he can't see that his sister is actively hurting your DD, then he's got a big problem.

I loathe people who do that to others, especially kids, especially family kids. It's NOT funny, it's NOT ok, and it should be stopped.

If you don't feel able to put your foot down and say you're not going to the bitch's child's christening, then be ill when it comes up. I wouldn't want to expose either of my children to her foul tongue ever again.

Lovemylittlebear · 19/02/2022 11:13

Wow NO WAY!!!!! I’m a push over but no way in hell would I be putting up with this as I would feel the need to advocate for my daughter and say commenting on her appearance is NOT ok it needs to stop and if it doesn’t we would be NO contact and fuck my husband!!! Sorry this is happening - horrid!!! X

WonderfulYou · 19/02/2022 11:16

Honestly I would like to hear the other side of this. Especially as your DH or anyone else doesn’t see an issue and you seem have been upset by day 1.

I think you could just be being sensitive and projecting this onto your DD.
Lots of people will comment on how tall someone is but it’s not a negative thing. Why not say something like “yes she’s very lucky she may grow up to be a supermodel.”

Of course she could just be being a bitch but if someone said something genuinely nasty about my child I would call them out on it straight away and never speak to them again.

RubyRedRoses · 19/02/2022 11:17

Those comments are really unacceptable. Your dh is too weak with her. You need to be the firm one. Put your foot down and protect your child. Don't go.

I have a really unpleasant sil as well and I only see her at compulsory events (funerals and weddings). I wouldn't go to her dc's christening and I'd offer dd the option to do something nice instead.

AuditAngel · 19/02/2022 11:21

A size 4 isn’t particularly large for an 11 year old, my 11yo DD is a 4 and she is quite short for her age.

The toxic SIL is an awkward beady, I have one myself, although, surprisingly the last twice I have seen her she has been pleasant. I have attended family gatherings but avoided SIL.

I am currently having issues with a BIL (not the same couple) who I don’t get on with and usually just avoid as far as I can. Last summer, while he was drunk he was demanding to know why I hate him (maybe because you are an arse and behave like this when you are drunk? Which is every time I see him) we left!

3peassuit · 19/02/2022 11:21

Keep that nasty woman away from your child. If your DH is too weak and cowardly to protect from this verbal cruelty you must and to hell with him.

2pinkginsplease · 19/02/2022 11:22

We had a slight issue with bil, who was very rough and tumble with our son, my son hated it and once he voiced his opinion to us we spoke to bil telling him to not be as rough, he replied, he’s a boy he should like that. We have never left any of our children alone with him.

Both kids still talk about how rough he was and they hated it.

It’s your duty to protect your child.

EKGEMS · 19/02/2022 11:22

I'd have already solved this problem the second time she made a comment about my child be it with a fight or a divorce and that's not hyperbole from me

mamas12 · 19/02/2022 11:27

Gods idea to get Dh to have a word or you won’t go but make sure you hear the conversation

Hmum0fthree · 19/02/2022 11:28

@EKGEMS

I'd have already solved this problem the second time she made a comment about my child be it with a fight or a divorce and that's not hyperbole from me

This, no one would bully my child like this let alone her auntie!! Absolutely bizarre

Shuffleuplove · 19/02/2022 11:30

You’re a grown ass woman and you can do what the fuck you like.

(Thankyou Glennan Doyle)

Don’t go.

whynotwhatknot · 19/02/2022 11:30

Youve got a DH problem as they saying goes

ask him this how is she being kind explain it to you-and why hasnt she visited since you had another dc if shes so bloody kind

the womans toxic and tbh your husband is aswell

aloe987 · 19/02/2022 11:32

As your DH doesn't seem able to come to the conclusion on his own that SIL is a bully, I'd resort to guilt tripping him. Explain to him that his daughter needs him to stick up for her and protect her and how any good father would do that for their daughter. Emphasise how sad it is that he is not able to do that for her.

MsTSwift · 19/02/2022 11:35

Christ you have to be so careful what you say to young girls about their physical appearance can cause massive issues. Concur with everyone else about your useless husband.

Mil went through a stage on commenting on what my girls ate she’s from another culture and is quite clueless had to have a word she didn’t mean any harm to be fair but still.

Also have a tall girl now 13 size 8 feet 5 foot 8. Looks like a super model which brings different issues..

AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 11:35

What is it going to take for you to grow a spine and be a decent protector for your daughter JFC that poor kid.

Does she have to self harm? Develop an eating disorder?

Grow up! Tell that bitch to Fuck off and die if you have to.
Tell your DH to jump as well. Screw the lot of them!

RachelGreeneGreep · 19/02/2022 11:42

god your massive you" "you got massive feet like your mum you" "you got massive hands like shovels"

How could anyone think that was an acceptable thing to say to another person, especially a young child? I agree with other posters. Your husband is just slithering away, pretending that he thinks it's okay, and not meant to be cruel. I would have stopped your SIL in her tracks the first time she said something like that.
Better late than never, OP.

stayathomer · 19/02/2022 11:44

I never ever say this but you need to think about going nc and also you need to talk to your dh. No child should ever be put through this. When they witch hunt you put it back on th them 'do you think it's ok to say horrible things to her?' Do not use the bullying word as they'll roll their eyes but they are ALL bullies. Hugs to your daughter

LagunaBubbles · 19/02/2022 11:46

Your DH won't allow you not to go? Fuck that.

Hertsgirl10 · 19/02/2022 11:46

Cut her off completely and if your husband can’t see the damage she’s doing to your daughter then he needs to go on a parenting lesson, or he can go too.

Clovacloud · 19/02/2022 11:46

You have a massive DH problem, how on earth has he allowed his sister to say this shit for 11 YEARS???

My DH’s Grandmother was a spectacularly verbally abusive woman, she hated my MIL and made her life hell for 40 years. FIL was just like your DH and ignored/minimised it, as he was her golden child.

When we had DD, she made the odd comment about her looks which we ignored as she was a small baby. But DH took DD to visit once when she was about 6 months old (I was at home - didn’t want to visit her) and she made the massive mistake of commenting on ‘what a fat baby’ DD was - she was totally normal size. DH picked DD up, told his Grandmother what he thought of her and how she had treated his mother, said she wasn’t going to get the chance to do that to DD and walked out of her house and we went NC.

No one, especially your family should be allowed to talk to your daughter like that, and I’m horrified your poor DD has taken that woman’s words to heart. You need to stand up to her now, this is only going to ramp up as your DD hits her teenage years, and DD will get even more self conscious. Please stand up for her and stop this happening.

diddl · 19/02/2022 11:47

How are personal comments criticising someone's natural appearance not meant to be mean?

Prefer your hair in a different style, colour/don't think that outfit looks great, possibly OK depending on who says it & if an opinion has been asked for.

Either way, this is deliberately bullying of a child.

Your husband is horrible Op.

Would be tempted to start telling him that he's an unfeeling, spineless prick every day.

tkwal · 19/02/2022 11:48

Your husband needs to stand up for your daughter and you sound as if you have a nasty cold coming on around about the time of her child's christening

Folklore9074 · 19/02/2022 11:49

Fuck that. DH can go on his own. I’d keep your kids away from her too.

gingerbiscuits · 19/02/2022 11:49

Christ, she sounds like a toxic witch! Why on earth would you put you & your kids through that? Your poor daughter. I'd dig my heels in & cut her loose. No loss. And your husband needs to get a backbone & stand up for his daughter!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 19/02/2022 11:51

@dentistattic

Have you spoken to her about this face to face? It's not on and should have been stopped years ago. "sil, DD is very upset that you keep mentioning her height/shoe size etc. she's at a very vulnerable age and I'm afraid is developing a complex. Can you please refrain from ever commenting about her appearance again, unless it's in a genuinely positive light?"

I wouldn’t, she will act all faux offended, will make you and Dd out to be crazy and have the rest of the witchunters on board. Tell dh to stand up for his family and honestly fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

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