Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Toxic SIL family event

156 replies

Wlifebalance · 19/02/2022 10:05

Bit of background

Sil has always been off with my daughter whether its intentional or off the cuff she always comments on her size. The first thing she said about her when born was she doesn't look like a newborn baby. Fast forward 11 years.. everytime she sees my DD she comments about her feet size and her body size. which has developed a low self esteem and she thinks she's ugly. But if I say anything the whole family (DH side) witch hunts me. She isn't fat she's very very skinny but tall and she's 11 with size 4 feet. But sil makes a huge deal of it everytime " god your massive you" "you got massive feet like your mum you" "you got massive hands like shovels"

Anyway so I already don't like her due to this..she also sees her other niece and nephew (DD cousins) every week they get impromptu gifts etc never says anything about their size. And i know its not a big deal but when its their birthday she does a post on social media with their picture "a big happy birthday blah blah" but doesn't for my DD.

Anyway She now has own kid (3) and when its anything for her kid she's on the phone ill be popping round for kids birthday present/ Easter egg etc..
I had another baby sep last year she hasn't been to see her. But she's message saying its her kids christening.

I just dont want to go, she's not interested in meeting my baby so why should I celebrate for her? and she's toxic towards my daughter. DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"

OP posts:

momls20 · 19/02/2022 10:51

Tell her to fuck off, what an absolute arsehole she sounds like. I can't believe you put up with it as much as you do

momls20 · 19/02/2022 10:52

And when you next see her go 'oh god, you've got really massive and fat havent you'

HotWaterAndLemon · 19/02/2022 10:53

Is the older child your DH’s?
I just can’t understand how a father could allow this to continue.
Regardless, that vile person wouldn’t be seeing any of my children again.

Time to put your foot down OP.

losingtheplotslowly · 19/02/2022 10:53

@Wlifebalance from someone who got exactly the same treatment as that as a child from relatives and family friends and well into my teenage years (I was taller and bigger than average but not over weight) I know exactly how it feels. It stays with you. Effects self esteem massively and mental health massively. I’ve always felt out of place and questioned how everyone else (even people who never said anything to me) thought about me. Basically fucked me up. I had therapy in my early 40s and it effected every aspect of my life. I’m a lot better now but what people don’t realise is how there words can impact someone.

It doesn’t cost you anything to be kind. If anything sounds as if your SIL should know better and seems to project her own insecurities on to your daughter as she seems like an easy target.

Please speak to your other half in regards to this as you do not know what damage this will cause your daughter in the long term. Trust me on this

EnjoyingTheSilence · 19/02/2022 10:54

Doesn’t matter whether she means it badly or not it’s having an negative impact on your dd. There’s no way I would be going and I would have had a massive row with dh by now for being so fucking useless and gutless.

And what do you mean there’s no way he won’t let you go? How can he make you? If you’re worried about his reaction and being abusive you have an even bigger problem.

Your dd is at the right age for eating disorders to start. Her father isn’t going to look out for her, she only had you. I would go apeshit crazy and wouldn’t care what the family said. How dare they.

lockdownalli · 19/02/2022 10:54

DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"

What on earth does this mean? If you believe this then you have piss poor boundaries and need some counselling. Your DH doesn't get to tell you where to go or what to do.

In your shoes I wouldn't go - I would take DD off somewhere nice for the day. If anyone queries it you can tell them exactly why.

Yes, they may be upset/offended but why is that not OK, but it's OK for you and DD to be upset and offended? Your DH should be defending his daughter above all else - but he's failing.

If he doesn't back you/her up, what's the point of him?

Xmassprout · 19/02/2022 10:54

I would honestly make comments about her everytime she's says something about your daughter.

'Look at the size of your hands'
'Gosh they're almost as big as your fat gob aren't they'

BlaBlaFishcakes · 19/02/2022 10:54

@Wlifebalance

He is just the most laid back person ever and just thinks everyone is kind and and doesn't mean what they say in a bad way but regardless if she was being nice if a child's confidence is down you stop saying whatever it is your saying. I just feels like she has a problem with her which is bizarre because she's a child!

Or, he's too cowardly to stand up to his bullying sister. I understand all too well how this kind of dynamic can work when it's what you've grown up with, but when your own child is affected like this then it's time to stand up and put a stop to it.

StaplesCorner · 19/02/2022 10:55

I feel very angry for your poor DD that you and her Dad have exposed her to this - its abusive. You both need to go NC with SiL and as for "not taking it out on the kids" this is a christening FFS the baby won't know. Unlike your DD who now is being shown that she must tolerate this to keep your peace.

My DD18 has severe body dysmorphia and is housebound, literally non-functional. It didn't show up until she was nearly 15 but the ground work for it was laid with bullying since she was 10-11 years old that I didn't realise was happening at school. Yet this has gone on in front of your face and you've ignored it?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/02/2022 10:56

DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"

OMG I missed that bit - some serious talking needed here

Howshouldibehave · 19/02/2022 10:56

The most lovely laid back man ever and he won’t ‘allow’ you not to go somewhere?!

NowEvenBetter · 19/02/2022 10:56

Your husband is shit. Don’t accept him allowing your daughter to be bullied. You both need to step up for your kid.

ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 10:58

everytime she sees my DD she comments about her feet size and her body size. which has developed a low self esteem and she thinks she's ugly.

How have you let this happen?
You have allowed your daughter's aunt to mock her every time she sees her, & it's continued so long that your child now has serious issues?

But if I say anything the whole family (DH side) witch hunts me.
You what now?
You've stopped saying anything, in case the bullying turns on you?

FFS stop pandering to this horrible woman & her horrible family & start standing up for DD. Of course you don't go to SiL's event - why would you?
DH wouldn't allow me not to go because its "family"
Try saying NO & I'M NOT GOING TO ALLOW DD TO BE INSULTED for once in your life.
What is H going to do - drag you to his sister's event by your hair?

As for the constant requests for easter eggs etc - just stop.
If your husband wants his family members to get easter eggs & christening gifts - HE can facilitate it himself.

MaryStuart · 19/02/2022 10:59

[quote Wlifebalance]@SoftwareDev he thinks I take it to heart and they're not meant to be mean but its affected my DD confidence and yes you can say oh bloody hell you're tall for your age and there no harm done but not every single time that's my point. There's a difference.[/quote]
Fuck your SIL AND I’d also be educating your obtuse ‘D’H shaping on the impact it’s had on your DD. Why does he think she’s got low self-esteem? Oh yeah, your SIL’s 11 years worth of put down comments will have massively contributed to that.
Absolutely no bloody way would I be going to the christening, nor sending DD.
AND I’d me making it very clear to SIL and H that these comments have to stop now.

MaryStuart · 19/02/2022 10:59

on not shaping

Branleuse · 19/02/2022 11:00

i wouldnt go. I wouldnt allow someone to make lots of comments about my childs body, or even my body. I dont care what excuses they make about it, its weird. Its body shaming, its objectifying and its mean. Shes a bully.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 19/02/2022 11:02

She sounds awful! Stay clear of her. If it's in any way reassuring I had size 5 feet at 12 topped out at size 8 shoes and 5foot 8 in height.

My DD is 7 and has size 3 feet and is the tallest in her class by quite a wide margin.

BoodleBug51 · 19/02/2022 11:05

You're actively supporting your child being bullied.

Poor kid, that's horrendous.

MintyGreenDream · 19/02/2022 11:05

What a cunt she is.Dh would never ever tolerate his sister speaking to our dc like that.He needs to have her back.

Tsuni · 19/02/2022 11:05

DH won't allow you to not go because "it's family"?
Who does he think you and your children are? You're his family now and you and dd come before his toxic bitch of a sister.

Don't go to the christening. He can't force you into the car, can he?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/02/2022 11:05

Your DH "won't allow" you not to go?
He's a wanker, yes?

I'd tell him - "say that again to me again. I fucking dare you.*

Hmum0fthree · 19/02/2022 11:06

DH would not be DH if he EVER allowed his family to speak to my child like that...

No no and now absolutely disgusting!

Natty13 · 19/02/2022 11:07

[quote Wlifebalance]@Mummytobe93 she certainly isn't a super model she's overweight for a start. But every time ive said something to DH for him to tell her he says she doesn't mean it in a nasty way. OK so lets say she isn't its still affecting my DD so he should say something I've opened my mouth in the past with his fam (unrelated topic) and it didn't go down well.[/quote]
I dont mean this in a nasty way but I really, really don't understand this thinking "I've opened my mouth in the past with his fam (unrelated topic) and it didn't go down well"
Who cares if it didn't go down well? Why do you care what a total twat (your SIL) and potentially a bunch of twats (the rest of her family if they vilify you for defending your child) think or say?

This is serious if it's affecting your daughter's confidence. Your jobs as her parents are to set her up for a happy confident adulthood so allowing something you know to get in the way of that to continue isn't right.

If i were you I wouldn't go. If my husband pushed back and argued that I "had to" (lol for days at this idea) I would simply tell him "I will go then. And the minute she comments on DD's size in any way I will reply 'and you SIL you have really packed on the pounds yourself, surely you're having to buy plus sized clothes now!' and I will tell you now as I will tell everyone then 'I didn't mean it in a malicious way because those are the rules right? And I will keep doing this because if you want DD to grow up thinking that commenting on things people are insecure about is funny/normal then let's reassure her that it is...maybe the time after that I'll bring up SIL's thin lank hair" I often do this when people try to push my boundaries. Roght bow forcing you and DD to go is the easy option so you need to make it the worse option for them. If she is a bitch, turn into the bigger bitch. It's ok because it's joking right? Call their bluff and let them know you will not play game.

froggybiby · 19/02/2022 11:08

Sorry to hear this. I definitely wouldn't go...could she be jealous? Does she have a boy and you 2 girls?

I'd speak to your husband again so he backs you going ahead.

ilovesushi · 19/02/2022 11:08

She sounds horrific. Don't go. What does your DH say when she pipes up with her toxic comments?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7