to feel mystified by martyrdom on mumsnet?

[Vacua]

am not unsympathetic to demands of parenthood, running a house and bringing up children - lone parent, unsupported by ex husband and with only a little extra domestic help by way of various unreliable cleaners, so I know whereof I speak - but have seen LOADS of threads recently by mums running themselves ragged while their husbands/partners appear to do nothing and there are several things I just don't get:

1. why do people allow this to happen to them?

1. don't they realise we alone are responsible for the way others treat us, particularly in this sort of situation?

1. doesn't sympathy for something that is arguably wholly (or at very least to a pretty large extent) self-inflicted only exacerbate the problem long term?

1. isn't it a bit embarrassing to sound so martyred?

is possible as long term confirmed singleton I am missing some vital point here, am happy to be enlightened

(post and run as about 87 hours late for appointment)

Because I am rather lazy and get bored when writing long posts. I should out-source

if I out-sourced my MNing, I would have plenty of time to do domestic chores

lol

Yes, but surely most of you on here could get an evening job in a bar or something even if you have virtually no qualifications or do childcare so wouldn't that give you some income to pay someone to do some tasks? Surely most people outsource something even if it's just the trip to the NHS dentist we did today.

Also so many people male and female are just so limited because of their very low expectations of themselves. if you look at people who do make a lot of money they usually work twice as hard as everyone else, don't take no for an answer and keep plugging away until they do make more money so I do not agree there is no choice about income, jobs, and whether you can pay a cleaner even if just for an hour or two a week.

I think it's much better to present to a lazy man - you hate cleaning and no way am I cleaning after you so you go and hire a cleaner and pay here and that's a great solution. What you don't do is become his unpaid slave.

Also it is not just a problem that way round. My ex husband was more not less clean in terms of the house than I was and over the 20 years or so we converged probably me up to his standards. We were both very tidy however. Also my teenage son is more domestic than his 2 older student sisters so I don't think you can entirely break it down on gender lines either.

Anyone with the luxury of choice of new partner should always look at can I live with this person - are we compatible in terms of things like how we live, is it tolerable this lazy fat slob who comes in from work, makes a mess, doesn't rise from the chair and drops off to sleep before bed time.

Think as you sink into his arms - he'll soon have your arms in his sink.

(old saying - not my own.)

I feel like weeping. That complete lack of understanding of so many people's lives.

Yes PD I wholeheartedly agree with you on that point.

Whose complete lack of understanding, Pointydog?

I could start a whole new thread about people who post incomplete ideas because they think we are all mindreaders.

Elasticwoman I think PD is referring to the posts where in an alternate universe you can get yourself an evening job to pay for a cleaner, hired help etc.
In this alternate universe, nobodies husband has to work shifts or be on call, as part of their job and childcare miraculously (sp) sorts itself out for you.

xenia's

you sarky elastic

and the very idea that someone take a second job as a fairly low paid barmaid in order to outsource housework is just preposterous. I'm getting flashbacks to Tory Ministers circa Portillo-era

What is the answer though? When there are so many women on here who seem absurdly grateful (to me) that their DH/P has done a bit of childcare/done a bit of cleaning/made tea? I genuinely don't get it.

I expect that's why I'm single

Message withdrawn

I don't disagree with you re Xenia's post, pointydog, just wanted to be sure you didn't mean mine. Does any one remember Edwina Currie telling oldies to wear lots of woollies to keep out the cold?

Got to hand it to Xenia - she has entertainment value. Ever shagged John Major, Xenia??

I find it really helpful to read about people's lives, warts and all. It would be awful if we had to censor ourselves for fear that everyone would say 'pull yourself together'. People do often need sympathy and understanding before they can be kind to themselves and make real changes.

I had a crap day today with the kids bickering and me feeling really really low. Phoned DH and all he could say was 'put the kids in separate rooms' or 'take them out'. I ended up biting his head off then he had a go at me. I KNEW what I should do to improve the day, but for various reasons was unable to motivate myself to do it. Coming on MN and reading about other people having a hard time was actually the thing that helped snap me out of it.

I worked in a pub once at Wapping when i was a student. I have never before or since met such miserable people, either side of the bar. it's bloody hard work on your feet all night, probably a lot easier to stay home and clean your own bathroom.

Does any one remember those hilarious "tips" in Viz magazine, each one of which completely defeated the object?

BTW what's your name all about, pointydog - does it refer to a highly effective sense of smell?

what on earth do you mean, a highly effective sense of smell?!

I honestly don't whether to laugh or cry at this thread.

It's bonkers!

Elastic, I don't remember what you are referring to but I can remmeber adverts for 'Clag-gon' (a naked man riding a bicylce wheel with brushes all around it) and another one for 'Roy Buns' sunglasses where you had half a pair sticking out of your breast/shirt pocket and the other half were some cheap crap. There was another one for 'Quim Trim'

lofl. But I think you had to be there.

Have only read the OP and briefly skimmed but yes, I am constantly amazed at how women here put up with lazy men.

But how would you deal with a person who genuinely believes he does his fair share? (We've done lists, or rather I have)

Or really thinks that as he provides the income, works overtime etc for the family that that is his main and positive contribution to family life?

Pointy, a pointer dog is one that sniffs out the quarry in hunting, I believe. Sounds like I have guessed wrong though.

There are many many ways to better yourself and earn more. Lots of people who start with little money work their way up and one opportunity leads to another. Yes, some people have difficulties getting themselves out of the financial mire but there are ways to earn more but people don't always take them. People are more limited by the limits they place on themselves than lack of opportunities on this planet.

Indeed the negativity, pessimism and martydom of some women is their own downfall. They need a more positive mental attitude to all things. For example if they have time to type on here they have time to write something tonight between now and mid night and sent it to some journals for publication. Go on, do it.