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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her

285 replies

wanttobeehappy · 18/02/2022 22:38

I know IABU but I need somewhere to vent I guess.

We’ve been TTC properly for 7 months, POS constantly to track ovulation, DTD on all the right days etc.

Friend decided three weeks ago to TTC, and today announced she’s pregnant.

I feel awful but I’m not happy for her. I feel consumed by jealousy. Every month I am so disappointed and it feels so unfair 😞 I want to be happy for her but I’m getting intrusive thoughts and I hate it. I just feel like it should be my turn.

What can I do to get past this and be happy for my lovely friend?

OP posts:
wanttobeehappy · 19/02/2022 13:48

I’m not going to distance myself. It isn’t her fault
She’s got pregnant so fast and she deserves to be happy and excited. I have been nothing but positive and excited towards her but inside and once I got home from work I was devastated for myself. I am not going to put that on her it isn’t her fault

OP posts:
wanttobeehappy · 19/02/2022 14:01

I’ve bought Brazil nuts, raspberry leaf tea and baby aspirin. Going to get a ferti lily cup shortly too. Already do CBD ovulation tests and use preseed. Also booked in with a reflexologist and on Monday will call a few fertility centres to get the ball rolling.

Hopefully being proactive will make me feel a bit better.

OP posts:
Eightiesfan · 19/02/2022 14:02

@wanttobeehappy

No definitely only just started, she’s a v close friend and has told me everything along the way. I’m a very private person and she does not know my situation
That’s the problem, my older DB was unable to have children, but he didn’t tell anyone except for DM. When I think back all my family used to ask him when him and his wife were going to have children it must have been torture for him, but we didn’t know and I’m not saying he should have announced this to everyone, but if he had let his siblings know we might have been able to shield him from some of this.

Your close friend is excited about her pregnancy and wanted to share this with you, if she had known your situation it would not have changed the outcome, but she might have given you the news in a more tactful manner.

ThanksItHasPockets · 19/02/2022 14:09

@wanttobeehappy

I’ve bought Brazil nuts, raspberry leaf tea and baby aspirin. Going to get a ferti lily cup shortly too. Already do CBD ovulation tests and use preseed. Also booked in with a reflexologist and on Monday will call a few fertility centres to get the ball rolling.

Hopefully being proactive will make me feel a bit better.

I mean this very very kindly OP but you don't need any of that stuff right now. You have barely passed the halfway point of the normal range of time that the vast majority of couples take to conceive.

FWIW my sister is a fertility specialist and advises against ovulation kits. Unless doing full basal body temp tracking most people miscalculate their dates and miss their fertile windows. Regular sex throughout your cycle gives the best chance of conception.

Musttryharder2021 · 19/02/2022 14:18

There is no scientific evidence-base that Brazil nuts or raspberry tea leaf assist conception...

fairgame84 · 19/02/2022 14:23

@wanttobeehappy
That's quite full on, you are treating yourself as subfertile when that might not be the case.
Dtd every other day during your fertile week. No need to take aspirin if there's no indication to do so. Raspberry leaf tea is yuck so don't drink it if you don't like it!
Try and enjoy and relax a bit until you reach the 12 month stage. I know its not easy as I've been there but all the obsessing did nothing but stress me and DH and make it harder. You are not old, you have plenty of time.

Tevion28 · 19/02/2022 14:34

Op was talking from my perspective not suggesting you distance yourself. I have tried to congratulate others on pregnancy but it makes me feel worse as I'm dying inside so I personally stay away instead to protect myself.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 19/02/2022 14:39

@wanttobeehappy

I’ve bought Brazil nuts, raspberry leaf tea and baby aspirin. Going to get a ferti lily cup shortly too. Already do CBD ovulation tests and use preseed. Also booked in with a reflexologist and on Monday will call a few fertility centres to get the ball rolling.

Hopefully being proactive will make me feel a bit better.

Oh love.

Step away from the fertility forums and go and corner your DH for an afternoon shag Grin

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/02/2022 14:44

@wanttobeehappy

I’ve bought Brazil nuts, raspberry leaf tea and baby aspirin. Going to get a ferti lily cup shortly too. Already do CBD ovulation tests and use preseed. Also booked in with a reflexologist and on Monday will call a few fertility centres to get the ball rolling.

Hopefully being proactive will make me feel a bit better.

Bin off the raspberry leaf tea Envy and Add Co Q10 and a high dose folic acid to your list.

Please try and relax- You are unlikely to be subfertile. Particularly if you have normal cycles - the fertility specialist I rushed to after 6ish months of trying told me as much and I was significantly older than you.

I was 37 - I took the supplements above and had normal cycles when we started trying - it took 6-7 cycles maybe 8?
I was actually unknowingly pregnant when I went to see the specialist to cry about the fact "I couldn't get pregnant".

I know how you feel as everyone around us was getting pregnant including close friends who married in late Dec and announced their pregnancy mid march after getting pregnant first go!!!

I always think the "relax and it will happen" advice is a load of of crap and eyeroll when people say it BUT what I will say is work was pretty stressy and sex was becoming a lot less fun!!! After the first 2-3 months. We got pregnant on / just after going on holiday and lying around near a pool for a fortnight drinking amd not caring about anything....

Blueeyedgirl21 · 19/02/2022 15:00

@wanttobeehappy erm ok, I was trying to be helpful , I didn’t know she’d done an early test and literally found out the first day of her first missed period. I’m not a ‘tester’ and found out a week after my first one with my first pregnancy and waited until I’d fully missed a period to test for the second one.

Your friends a bit bonkers for telling people when she’s literally only about two days pregnant but each to their own. I didn’t tell a lot of my friends until 18 weeks.

SazCat · 19/02/2022 15:06

[quote Blueeyedgirl21]@wanttobeehappy erm ok, I was trying to be helpful , I didn’t know she’d done an early test and literally found out the first day of her first missed period. I’m not a ‘tester’ and found out a week after my first one with my first pregnancy and waited until I’d fully missed a period to test for the second one.

Your friends a bit bonkers for telling people when she’s literally only about two days pregnant but each to their own. I didn’t tell a lot of my friends until 18 weeks.[/quote]
I wouldn't call it bonkers, she's probably just excited. She doesn't know OP has been TTC! I told my best friend as soon as I got a positive.

NudieUnderTheOodie · 19/02/2022 15:06

[quote Blueeyedgirl21]@wanttobeehappy erm ok, I was trying to be helpful , I didn’t know she’d done an early test and literally found out the first day of her first missed period. I’m not a ‘tester’ and found out a week after my first one with my first pregnancy and waited until I’d fully missed a period to test for the second one.

Your friends a bit bonkers for telling people when she’s literally only about two days pregnant but each to their own. I didn’t tell a lot of my friends until 18 weeks.[/quote]
As far as we know, this woman has only told her best friend that she's pregnant, there's nothing bonkers about that.

With my first four pregnacies, my friendship group knew about my positive pregnancy test before my dh did. With my fifth pregnancy, only dh knew until 14/15 weeks.

themental · 19/02/2022 15:41

Step away from the fertility forums and go and corner your DH for an afternoon shag

Grin

My thoughts exactly!!

And make sure your orgasm. The more the merrier. No idea if that's scientific but apparently they believed in the middle ages and it's a lot more fun and makes a lot more sense than drinking raspberry leaf tea or chewing brazil nuts.

wanttobeehappy · 19/02/2022 19:25

I don’t mind the tea, it tastes fine to me.

I don’t see what harm these things could do if they help me feel more in control.

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 19/02/2022 19:33

Conception, pregnancy, birth, and early parenting are all one long exercise in learning that you have very little control over many things. If you are the kind of person who feels that they need to exercise a very high degree of control over your life then now is a good time to start learning to let go of that. A need for absolute control will otherwise ruin your experiences of those events.

drpet49 · 19/02/2022 19:39

** wanttobeehappy

I’m not going to distance myself. It isn’t her fault
She’s got pregnant so fast and she deserves to be happy and excited. I have been nothing but positive and excited towards her but inside and once I got home from work I was devastated for myself. I am not going to put that on her it isn’t her fault**

^You are a great friend OP, good for you Smile

20viona · 19/02/2022 19:41

OP I'm sorry you're struggling but i don't think it's fair to actively say you're not happy for your friend. I had a MC in December and 2 friends have announced they are pregnant and due the week that I would of been. I am overjoyed for them! A baby is a gift, which I'm sure you'll get at some point.

Travis1 · 19/02/2022 19:42

Come back and see me in 10 years when all your friends have completed their families with 2 and 3 kids and you’ve still not managed one. Biscuit

themental · 19/02/2022 19:47

Right but my point is I think feeling in control isn't as effective for babymaking as feeling horny.

You've got five months (?) until you can go to the GP and see if there are issues, I'd focus those five months on having sex as frequently as possible and having it as amazingly as possible.

But what do I know... I'm one of those hated women who got pregnant first try. I assume it must have been something in my diet and not the fucking like rabbits + PIV orgasms WinkGrin

As I said before I really wish you the best of luck and hope it happens this month for you Thanks

wanttobeehappy · 19/02/2022 21:17

themental

But what do I know... I'm one of those hated women who got pregnant first try. I assume it must have been something in my diet and not the fucking like rabbits + PIV orgasms

I really don’t think this is very nice to say. You have no idea what my sex life is like and you’re basically telling me that the reason I’ve not fallen pregnant yet is because my partner and I don’t have a satisfying sex life which you know zero about.

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 19/02/2022 22:43

Feeling in control doesn't apply to TTC or pregnancy - both are nearly entirely out of your control. Of course you can set out to use OPKs, do everything by the book, stay super healthy or use black magic like raspberry tea. But this won't help you much. You'd be best of having a lot of sex and relaxing. And trust me, I know how annoying this advice is because I hated it myself when I was TTC. When I finally got pregnant with DS, I gave up hope of ever having a successful pregnancy, we spent all our savings, bought a project house and thought, oh fuck it. We knew there was nothing wrong with us because tests didn't show anything. I decided to leave it for a few months completely, next month I was pregnant, and whilst I had a very difficult pregnancy for various reasons in the 3rd trimester, everything ended up ok. I had no faith left in me.

As I'm very much like you, OP, I like what you call being proactive and in control, I will say this in a kindest possible way, it will be best for you to get out of this frame of mind asap. You can't control the process, its success or failure. Having this attitude will ramp up the pressure you're already putting yourself under and this will make things even more difficult. This is how anxiety begins when it comes to TTC and pregnancy and I very much agree with pps that you could benefit from MH therapy now.

Those who say someone else getting pregnant doesn't affect OP's fertility. Of course it doesn't. But the OP is now in a position of slowly becoming sidelined because there are more and more babies born to her friends, colleagues and within her social circle. Without a shadow of a doubt, lives of these women will change massively and even with the best of intentions from both sides, it'll be a hard period for OP who wants to be in their shoes too, but it hasn't happened yet. This shouldn't be underestimated. This really isn't about a very one-dimensional consideration that her chances of getting pg aren't worse regardless.

I will also say, OP, baby aspirin, cyclogest, extra strong folic acid or whatever it is that you're thinking of stocking up on or taking aren't a good idea if you don't have a reason to take them. Put it bluntly: a 32-33 yo who is fit and healthy and TTC for 7 months so far has zero need to take anything extra apart from standard folic acid/standard pre-conception vitamins. It's unhealthy and unhelpful to tell yourself that you 'need' the extras as it exacerbates your anxiety that something might be wrong with you, that's your fear, not the reality. Please try to ground yourself and give it a bit more time and patience, then if after a year or two things aren't happening you can start exploring other avenues.

PurplePansy05 · 19/02/2022 22:51

I should've added our tests were for recurrent miscarriages, not infertility - I started TTC at the same age as you and at no point thought about fertility testing, and I had a mix of getting pregnant very quickly or after several months of TTC. Eventually had DS just before I turned 35.

I hope things happen for you soon and that everything goes well, please don't assume things that haven't happened at this stage and might not be true for you.

WitchWithoutChips · 19/02/2022 22:56

@PurplePansy05

Feeling in control doesn't apply to TTC or pregnancy - both are nearly entirely out of your control. Of course you can set out to use OPKs, do everything by the book, stay super healthy or use black magic like raspberry tea. But this won't help you much. You'd be best of having a lot of sex and relaxing. And trust me, I know how annoying this advice is because I hated it myself when I was TTC. When I finally got pregnant with DS, I gave up hope of ever having a successful pregnancy, we spent all our savings, bought a project house and thought, oh fuck it. We knew there was nothing wrong with us because tests didn't show anything. I decided to leave it for a few months completely, next month I was pregnant, and whilst I had a very difficult pregnancy for various reasons in the 3rd trimester, everything ended up ok. I had no faith left in me.

As I'm very much like you, OP, I like what you call being proactive and in control, I will say this in a kindest possible way, it will be best for you to get out of this frame of mind asap. You can't control the process, its success or failure. Having this attitude will ramp up the pressure you're already putting yourself under and this will make things even more difficult. This is how anxiety begins when it comes to TTC and pregnancy and I very much agree with pps that you could benefit from MH therapy now.

Those who say someone else getting pregnant doesn't affect OP's fertility. Of course it doesn't. But the OP is now in a position of slowly becoming sidelined because there are more and more babies born to her friends, colleagues and within her social circle. Without a shadow of a doubt, lives of these women will change massively and even with the best of intentions from both sides, it'll be a hard period for OP who wants to be in their shoes too, but it hasn't happened yet. This shouldn't be underestimated. This really isn't about a very one-dimensional consideration that her chances of getting pg aren't worse regardless.

I will also say, OP, baby aspirin, cyclogest, extra strong folic acid or whatever it is that you're thinking of stocking up on or taking aren't a good idea if you don't have a reason to take them. Put it bluntly: a 32-33 yo who is fit and healthy and TTC for 7 months so far has zero need to take anything extra apart from standard folic acid/standard pre-conception vitamins. It's unhealthy and unhelpful to tell yourself that you 'need' the extras as it exacerbates your anxiety that something might be wrong with you, that's your fear, not the reality. Please try to ground yourself and give it a bit more time and patience, then if after a year or two things aren't happening you can start exploring other avenues.

This is a fantastic post.

You’ve convinced yourself that you have fertility issues, OP. You are at risk of putting yourself on a very lonely path with no reason for doing so.

themental · 19/02/2022 23:21

@wanttobeehappy not at all, it was supposed to be lighthearted and directed at the thread in general as opposed to you personally - hence the wink and the grin and the heartfelt well wishes with the flowers tacked on at the end...

But if you read all that from it fair enough and I can only apologise.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/02/2022 07:50

Honestly the Brazil nuts , tea , pineapple etx all things forums say worked for me - they don’t

It’s luck

Or all the ivf clinics and cycles I did would say eat /drink them

And for those who said she is weird for telling her best friend - I told 2 of mine the day I got a bfp

Tho as I said previously taken 10yrs and 5th ivf

I made them cry with joy

The important things are making sure you have sex when ovulating so make sure you know when that is

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