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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her

285 replies

wanttobeehappy · 18/02/2022 22:38

I know IABU but I need somewhere to vent I guess.

We’ve been TTC properly for 7 months, POS constantly to track ovulation, DTD on all the right days etc.

Friend decided three weeks ago to TTC, and today announced she’s pregnant.

I feel awful but I’m not happy for her. I feel consumed by jealousy. Every month I am so disappointed and it feels so unfair 😞 I want to be happy for her but I’m getting intrusive thoughts and I hate it. I just feel like it should be my turn.

What can I do to get past this and be happy for my lovely friend?

OP posts:
Crimesean · 20/02/2022 19:22

I know how you feel. I've had 8 rounds of IVF and am super blessed to have my beautiful DS, but still feel a pang when friends fall pregnant easily. I console myself with the plus sides.

It's really hard, I remember being where you are and hating myself for being jealous (at one point I sat on a bank of 8 desks, 5 were pregnant women - I was lovely and supportive to them but had a lot of weeping sessions in the loo).

This too shall pass. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on keeping on. Flowers

SnozPoz · 20/02/2022 19:24

It IS unfair and it SHOULD be your turn but equally it's not her fault. Right now it's her turn. I experienced friends and family being weird with me because I had a baby and they didn't and the people who ultimately lose out is them and the baby in question. Your time will come and when it does you will want them to be happy for you and not be thinking "f. you" because you weren't there for them and their baby when it was their time. Which btw WILL happen unless your friend is a saint. Find a way to channel your jealousy and fake it until you make it.

cantbfucked · 20/02/2022 19:29

You haven’t left it too late so please don’t blame yourself. I had my first just before my 32nd birthday 5 years ago after trying for a good few months and in all honesty, we stopped trying to go on holiday. We only stopped for a month but the holiday timed right to try again and the break from trying and the holiday itself definitely made a difference, I was much more relaxed about it all and I finally got my positive. Baby number two at 36 year old wasn’t planned and she’s now 4 months old.

It sounds like trying for a baby is consuming you, maybe take a break and try a more relaxed approach. 🤞🏻💐

okthx · 20/02/2022 19:34

You feelings are OK. I understand you. But still you’re being ridiculous really. 7 months is NOTHING. It took me 12 months to conceive first child. It took me one night to conceive my second. You’re going to be fine. If not, you’re going to seek help. But it’s not the right time to give up

MRS54321 · 20/02/2022 19:36

Aw OP , because your friend doesn’t know, you ve left yourself in a bit of a hard place! You’re going to need to just slap a smile on and be joyful

I actually think a lot of woman trying more than 3 months ( or having to wait on their partners to agree) feel that shameful ,envious and disappointment it’s not them ( I’ve been that person too!)

Early 30s is fine but I’d check after 12 months with GP just to make sure. Try every other day - that’s what I did and I’m late 30s.

Just think how nice it will be when your baby comes and your besties been there to help and guide you !

I’d tell her soon, though you don’t need to be maudlin, you can just say “ well actually, since your pregnant now ( eek!) I’ll tell you that WE’VE been trying “ your friend would hate to think of you suffering and her unaware - you don’t need to fo it right now ,though.

Your day will come Daffodil

Harmonypuss · 20/02/2022 19:42

You're trying and she's succeeded so I guess you can be a little jealous but to say that "it's your turn" just because you think you've been trying longer is rather a childish attitude and definitely unreasonable.
Some people take years to conceive whilst others seem to only have to show each other their genitals and they get pregnant - people are different!
Be happy for your friend and maybe someday she'll be happy for you if/when you're pregnant.

Londoncallingme · 20/02/2022 19:44

@boyblue

Don't assume she's been honest.Almost everyone I know who had trouble getting pregnant pretended otherwise to even close mates
Or do assume she’s being honest as she’s your lively friend! I fell instantly with my 4 including last at 44! Tried to tell sil really gently, had it all planned, she still lost her shit completely as she’d been trying for 2years. It’s natural to feel envy but don’t presume she’s being anything but honest - you know her best.
TheJade · 20/02/2022 19:52

That must be really hard for you.

I would send her a congrat card/message. What ever it is you do. And then take some time for yourself, I really feel for you lovely. I know how hard it is xx

Mollymoostoo · 20/02/2022 20:02

@BobbinHood

Did she really decide to start TTC 3 weeks ago and now she’s told you when she’s 2 minutes pregnant? Or did they start trying earlier and she told you that they were trying because she knew she was already pregnant?

It’s hard and you can’t help the way you feel but 7 months isn’t really that long.

Yeah, tbh 3 weeks ago is too short to know she is pregnant assuming she has a 28 day cycle. It's possible she told you 3 weeks ago they were trying for a baby be ausr she was actually pregnant. To be fair 7 months isn't that long either with PCOS so go easy on yourself.
SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2022 20:37

Yeah, tbh 3 weeks ago is too short to know she is pregnant assuming she has a 28 day cycle an early pregnancy test would detect at that point because technically she'd be 5 weeks. I tested the day before an early test was meant to be taken and got a clear positive

Pinkfluff76 · 20/02/2022 20:44

Sorry OP. Completely understand and normal to feel the way you do. Look into a keto / low carb diet for increasing fertility. Good luck!

SazCat · 20/02/2022 20:57

Someone covered this earlier, it's entirely possible. There's around a 2 week wait between ovulation and your period. So you could in theory decide to TTC a few days before ovulation (e.g. day 10 of your cycle) then get a positive on an early test on 11 DPO which would only be around 2 weeks later!

Pingu32 · 20/02/2022 20:59

Try not to judge yourself too harshly - ttc can become all absorbing and a very emotional time. Your friend is open, you aren't and you recognise that she is a lovely person. I think you are envious rather than jealous - I see envy as being less toxic than jealousy and you wish your friend no harm but just wish it was happening for you.
Many early comments were made assuming that your friend knew that you were ttc but we now know that not to be true.
Please try to be positive for your friend and for yourself and I pray your time comes no matter if your journeys are different - remember, she has a journey now too and having her pal beside her on it is likely to be important to her xx

maybloss2 · 20/02/2022 21:02

Dear op, I can tell you care about yr friend. I really think that it could help to tell her about yr difficulties and feelings of loss and sadness about yr situation. Also to say yr news is wonderful but made me feel very anxious for myself. Ask for her sympathy and support. You sound like a good friend give her the opportunity to be one back. You need lots of positive vibes and she may help you with that. Also as others have said she may not have either an easy pregnancy or delivery. So her world may yet have sadness as yours may yet have joy.
Good luck.

Wallyandasnog · 20/02/2022 21:11

100% try acupuncture....My friend and I started TTC at the same time. My daughter was 2 when hers was born. Eventually she tried acupuncture with someone who specialises in fertility. First cycle with the acupuncture she fell pregnant.

Good luck and don't feel bad for feeling jealous!
Ttc is stressful and it's a kick in the teeth when others get pregnant instantly

watchingrnfire · 20/02/2022 21:17

7 months isn't too long. Go doctors and tell them you've been trying for a year if that will speed things up for you.

I was trying for 6 months, tracking ovulation, DTD on the right days. Every month I was disappointed that am not getting pregnant. On the 7th month, I told dh I want to take a break from trying to conceive, it's consuming me and every month I get my period it leaves me devastated. Oddly enough on the 7th month, no intention of wanting to fall pregnant, we DTD after my ovulation date, found out the following month am pregnant, was shocked as I did the complete opposite of trying.
They say you ruin your chances of conceiving by stressing over it, I really believe this now.

MrsFlump · 20/02/2022 21:29

I think your reaction is completely normal. I've had similar feelings when my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and a friend's wife of DH's fell pregnant with no problem. She was obese and I think to my shame I said but how can she as she is so fat it's not fair. Fortunately for me I did fall pregnant 8 months after the miscarriage but I know how you feel.

RockyReef · 20/02/2022 21:50

YANBU to feel this way but you would be unreasonable to say anything to your friend about her feelings. I was 'the friend' in this situation (I found out many years down the line after my friend and I had just recently both had our second babies). They were trying for a year and then I said to her casually I was coming off the pill to think about maybe trying in 6 months and then 2 weeks later I was pregnant. We didn't actually tell anyone until after the 12 week scan so my friend didn't know until a bit later, but yes she was hugely jealous and fed up with me at the time. Credit to her, I didn't know as she hid it really well and has only subsequently admitted it to me. She says she felt both joy for us and envy of us at that time in equal measures. But then 6 months after me, she got pregnant with their first and her second is 4 months older than mine. Good luck with your journey x

Birdie14 · 20/02/2022 22:03

@wanttobeehappy you haven’t left it too late, please don’t think that. I think if you are concerned that there might be a reason you haven’t been successful yet, speak to your gp and maybe say you have been trying for longer than you actually have because I think unless you have been trying for 2 years some gps won’t look into it. You can be referred to a gynaecologist for some tests and your partner can have his sperm tested just to rule out any potential reasons that are preventing you from conceiving. I needed some help with my ovulation as although I had normal periods it turned out I wasn’t ovulating and was given some tablets to help with this. I conceived within 3 months. At least if there is a reason, you can address it without wasting time on trying which will only stress you as time goes on. Best of luck Flowers

Mamanyt · 21/02/2022 00:22

Yeah, it is unreasonable. It is also perfectly understandable and VERY human. Try to recognize that you are more sorry for YOU than you are angry/jealous of her. It's easier to feel jealousy than to feel hurt, isn't it? Hang in there. Perhaps...try not to try so hard. I cannot tell you how many people I know who conceived after "giving up" and adopting!

Overnightoats1 · 21/02/2022 06:51

I had a friend who stormed out when I announced my pregnancy- I was so nervous to tell her-as she had been trying for a while and I knew it was hard for her but that was really hard for me as it was meant to be happy news. Totally normal to feel upset but definitely try to imagine how you would like your close friends to react when you eventually tell them your news x. Good luck!

N1no · 21/02/2022 07:44

You need to have been trying for 12 months if you are under 36 and for 6 months if you are over. I got a referral after 4 MCs but had to wait 1 year till the appointment. In the meantime we went private. I had an appointment 3 weeks later, got progesterone prescribed and had my DD 2 months before the nhs appointment. Cost £150 consultation plus £200 for medications. I got more of the same when I needed some extra due to bleeding. You can ask your gp if he would prescribe you on the nhs what the private clinic prescribes you. Good luck!

Mumtoalmost4 · 21/02/2022 08:09

I went through this for four years. My friends were accidentally getting pregnant and I felt awful. I understand. Hopefully your time will come soon.

After trying for our first for four years, we now have a 7 year old, 5 year old and 19 month old xx

Mandyjack · 21/02/2022 08:10

@WheelieBinPrincess

Blimey, she’s sharing that early Shock
There isn't a rule book on how early you share. Years ago it was normal to tell people. There are disadvantages to not sharing if there is an unfortunate /sad ending as nobody will realise you are grieving the loss of a pregnancy
GimmeSleep · 21/02/2022 08:25

I got pregnant reasonably, miscarried at 6 weeks Sad just as every woman and her dog I knew announced their pregnancies.

I think how you feel is completely normal Daffodil

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