Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her

[wanttobeehappy]

I know IABU but I need somewhere to vent I guess.

We’ve been TTC properly for 7 months, POS constantly to track ovulation, DTD on all the right days etc.

Friend decided three weeks ago to TTC, and today announced she’s pregnant.

I feel awful but I’m not happy for her. I feel consumed by jealousy. Every month I am so disappointed and it feels so unfair 😞 I want to be happy for her but I’m getting intrusive thoughts and I hate it. I just feel like it should be my turn.

What can I do to get past this and be happy for my lovely friend?

It’s very hard. 7mths isn’t long but obv neither is a few weeks

Took me 10yrs ttc 5 private ivf to get my only ever bfp

Every time someone said they were preg it cut like a knife and so hard

Esp when a friend had a mercy shag for hubby and got preg when had a 6mth old

Another friend had 3 babies in those 10yrs

It’s not that we begrudge them but it’s so hard

I hope you get preg soon xx

39 just rising 40 and just had a positive my 2nd pregnancy not too old. Spoke to my GP who did ovulation bloods plus a clear blue monitor....

I’m of a similar age to you and was ttc for over a year. We had to stop due to me getting the covid vaccine (I was pretty early on and they didn’t know what to expect at that point)
My gp was lovely and reminded me that statistically it can take 2 years to get pregnant.
I didn’t tell anyone about our troubles and when my close friend fell pregnant I was envious. To me it seemed easy for her.
After confiding in her about our troubles she was open and said it wasn’t easy for too and what she had gone through.
It’s okay to feel the way you do but try talk to her, it might make you feel better.
We stopped tracking ovulation last summer, I was put off and didn’t want the upset anymore.
Instead j tried listening to my body and noticing changes myself.
Within a couple of months we were pregnant.
We just took the stress of tests and everything off of us and just relaxed and had fun.
Best of luck to you!

Also does she know you are ttc

You SHOULD be happy for her
Whilst being sad for yourself too!

But don't become one of those women who hate all other pregnant ladies.

You have a couple of options, you can fake it until you make it. Act happy and supportive and keep your feeling to yourself and hope they will pass. Or (and given she’s such a good friend then I would think this is the better option) tell her the truth that you’ve been trying to conceive and haven’t so far and so as much as you love her and are happy for her you’re finding it a little difficult to be enthusiastic about her pregnancy at the moment

@Blondeshavemorefun

It’s very hard. 7mths isn’t long but obv neither is a few weeks

Took me 10yrs ttc 5 private ivf to get my only ever bfp

Every time someone said they were preg it cut like a knife and so hard

Esp when a friend had a mercy shag for hubby and got preg when had a 6mth old

Another friend had 3 babies in those 10yrs

It’s not that we begrudge them but it’s so hard

I hope you get preg soon xx

Yes this. I had two friends who had four babies each while I was trying to have my first, which I never did.

I do hope you get your bfp soon OP. As pp have said 7 months is not that long, it’s normal for it to take up to a year.

A year is the average time to get pregnant. Yabu and you know that. It will happen for you and when it does I hope everyone is happy for you, having a baby should be a happy, exciting time.

Of course your feelings are valid but you need to give yourself a bit of space and then a gentle little shake.

Seven months is early days. Knock off the ovulation tests and cycle tracking. Have sex every 2-3 days throughout your cycle. MN is a really important source of support for women experiencing infertility but there is a high level of selection bias which will give you the impression that you are more likely to have trouble. The NHS says that 84% of couples will conceive in 12 months after doing the above, and if that does not work for you then you are plenty young enough to seek investigations and treatment.

A lot of people are saying 7 months isn’t a long time to be trying to OP. Obviously that’s true, but it doesn’t feel like that when you’re in the middle of it though. Both my children took 5 months to conceive which I appreciate is no time at all, but I remember all too well the monthly cycle of grief every time your period comes, self-doubt & wondering if it’s ever going to happen for you. I also remember feeling inwardly resentful towards my cousin who conceived first time of trying & then feeling really ashamed of myself. TTC is incredibly stressful & plays mind games on you.

OP I think your response is totally normal & don’t feel guilty, but also try hard not to let it affect your friendship as your friend also deserves to enjoy her pregnancy without it being tainted by your (understandable) envy. It will be your turn soon - try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Best wishes.

7 months is no time at all in the world of ttc. It's perfectly natural to feel pangs of jealousy when others have, or are getting easily, what you want. But it's not productive or useful. Go and see your Dr, he may or may not do anything till a year has passed but you won't know that until you have spoken to them. Try a few 'old wives tales' if it makes you feel better, there's no way of knowing if they work or not and the majority are harmless. The chances are good that you will be pregnant sooner rather than later.

as much as you love her and are happy for her you’re finding it a little difficult to be enthusiastic about her pregnancy at the moment

I don't agree with this. No one should need to curb their happiness and enthusiasm for their pregnancy in case it upsets others. Being happy for them doesn't mean you can't be upset for yourself but that's on you to manage not a pregnant friend.

I do think you're being U but I mean that as gently as I can.

You're still so young and 7 months isn't long at all! Stressing and obsessing so early on is going to drive you crazy! I know what it's like, it took me nearly 4 years and IVF for my DD. But in life you can't let other peoples paths make you feel shit. There are people who are going through divorce, and others getting married. Peoples who just lost their job and others who have got one.
Your feelings are your feelings of course and you are absolutely entitled to be upset. But please don't turn into one of those women who Is bitter towards everybody. You have no idea how long it really took her to conceive. You don't know anyones personal circumstances even if you are great friends. She doesn't know you are TTC also.

The average person your age takes 12 months to conceive. You're just over half way that. Maybe have a gentle word with her and tell her you're struggling, as if everything goes well for her and I hope it does! She will share all the bits and bobs through her pregnancy with you.

After 12 months, speak to your GP. Our clinic didn't need a GP referral. But you don't need to think this far forward yet. You're only 7 months in! I know how desperate it is to want a baby and 7 months seems like a lifetime but it really isn't.

And do the previous posters calling friend 'annoying' and blasting her for telling her news so soon. Get a fucking life.
It's a free world to do what we want in.

If you were a year or two in my response would be slightly different. 7 months you're only at the beginning. It can ruin sex lives and become very boring if it's so regimented.

You haven't left it too late. Youre in your prime room have babies. Start reading the things you want to hear, instead of the things you don't want to hear.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Humans are complex creatures, and it is possible to sit with many feelings at the same time.
Being happy for her and sad for yourself.
And 7 months isn't long. Relax a little, I think stress is a contraceptive!

YABV U to not be happy for your friend. She's happy to be pregnant and you should be pleased for her

YANBU to also feel sad "but what about me? Will it ever be my turn?"

Of course you are entitled to be upset, but 7 months isn't really too long, although I understand the underlying anxiety over the Pcos. We all have moments of resentment over how other people have such easy lives, when we struggle over certain issues, but we can't show it as it's no ones 'fault'.

[quote Phrenologistsfinger]@wanttobeehappy you’re early days yet, you may be fine. I’m in the bitter 2years + ttc aged donkey crew. You’re still in the unicorn-prancing pony transition phase. Good luck [/quote]
Rooting for you.

Good luck OP and hope it is not much longer before conception

speakout your comment about stress as a contraceptive reminded me of a woman I knew who had difficulty conceiving and all tests could not find a reason. Workplace was toxic because of a particular manager, who moved elsewhere, I remember the almost celebration of his leaving. No IVF or any other medical intervention, stress reduced and a son was born 18 months later.

At this stage, have you tried something like pre-seed or conceive plus gel? It took us 6mths to conceive both our DC and both were conceived the first month we used conceive plus.

I told one friend the day we got our positive result with DC2. She was keen to have babies close together. Booked in straightaway to have her coil removed and had her baby just two months after me. It still amazes me how easy it is for some people.

Maybe you should enlighten your friend of your current situation and then perhaps she will understand your feelings and reactions better over the coming months.
It's incredibly hard but you also can't deny others their happiness.
When you become pregnant there will be another woman TTC who will be feeling similar emotions as you do now.
Hopefully everything will come good for you soon.

I voted YABU because it’s what you need to hear. Whilst I empathise with you entirely, you can’t let your fertility journey get the better of you and your friendships. Your friends are the positive things in your life - don’t let them be ruined. You’ll get there OP, but right now, rise above it, and join in with the happiness of your friend’s good news. You never know - there might be baby dust in the air!

You’re human. We all have these feelings at different points in our life, OP.

I was one of those annoying people who got pregnant straight away each time I tried. But I also clearly remember a relative announcing her pregnancy while I (unbeknownst to her) was miscarrying a pregnancy and the absolute jealousy and horribleness I felt.
I also remember my jealousy over another ‘sunny, charmed life’ friend who had easy ‘sneeze births’ and was back in her size 8 jeans baking cakes within days, while I had an emergency c-section and was really unwell and depressed for months after my first baby.

Life happens and sometimes we are the lucky and charmed ones, and sometimes we go through shit.

My advice is to fake it until you make it. Put on a happy face - she’s your friend and will need you - but allow yourself to have a little cry or rage with your partner or on MN while the feelings are raw. Your happy time will come!

balalake absolutely. Also putting pressure on yourself to conceive isn't helpful.
We were trying for 14 months, started plotting ovululation charts, temperature, having sex when the time was right, and sex became a chore.
So after a long chat we decided to take a break from ttc, ripped up the charts and started just re ignighting our sex life again with no thought of babies.
Bingo! Within one month I was pregnant.

She was prob already pregnant when she announced she was ttc

YANBU to be privately irritated but YABU to say anything. It’s not just about you.

Yanbu. Been there. Your feelings are normal. Pretend to be happy, but you can’t force yourself to be happy and it’s natural that you are not.

As to how to get past it - well, it can take years, and may never happen, but the ways you eventually get past it are one of these:

• get used to the grief and stop noticing it, until you are eventually able to grieve for yourself while being happy for someone else (incredibly hard), or

• stop seeing it as ‘a baby’ and start thinking of it as ‘her baby’ which will look like her and will be totally different from any child you may have, or

• the pain will go away if you have a baby.

Anyway. It’s been 7 months, something isn’t working. The NHS won’t offer free help until you’ve been trying a year but that is because the NHS is underfunded, and when they do offer fertility help it is incredibly slow and often incompetent. If you can afford to go private, I’d strongly recommend you do. You need DH’s sperm checked, plus blood tests to check your hormone levels and if you are ovulating. The sticks you buy from the chemist to wee on can only tell you if your body is trying to ovulate, it can’t tell if you actually did. There are pills (clomid) that can force your body to ovulate / produce multiple eggs.

Good luck, I know what it’s like.