Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her

[wanttobeehappy]

I know IABU but I need somewhere to vent I guess.

We’ve been TTC properly for 7 months, POS constantly to track ovulation, DTD on all the right days etc.

Friend decided three weeks ago to TTC, and today announced she’s pregnant.

I feel awful but I’m not happy for her. I feel consumed by jealousy. Every month I am so disappointed and it feels so unfair 😞 I want to be happy for her but I’m getting intrusive thoughts and I hate it. I just feel like it should be my turn.

What can I do to get past this and be happy for my lovely friend?

OP please don't take the aspirin without medical advice... it's is a blood thinner and is only useful to those who have a blood clotting issue that causes miscarriage. And after that it's only recommended to women over 40 on consultants direction.

You need to look at when you are actually having sex in your cycle. Read up on the SMEP sperm meets egg plan. You need to actively have sex on certain days to make sure there is sperm 'waiting' for your ovulation, and new ones 'joining' in your OV window.

Most women that don't get pregnant is purely down to missed timings even though they think they are doing it right.

7 months really isn't that long trying. Look at things that ease your stress.

You've had incredibly kind responses on this thread, OP, but I hope the validation of your understandable feelings isn't also reinforcing your apparent self-diagnosis of subfertility. Seven months is not long and to be blunt you are probably getting your fertile window wrong. Most women do without BBT charting.

I echo the person above who’s saying not to use the baby aspirin.. who told you to use this and why? It’s into a recommendation in certain groups, because aspirin is a blood thinner and may actually contribute to chemical/early miscarriages if you don’t have fertility issues that require it.

7 months really isn’t a long time OP, I know it feels it.. I’ve been there. It’s because sex education in school teaches us sex=pregnancy; you’re not taught that actually you have a 20% chance of pregnancy.. once a month, and that it can take a standard, healthy, young couple up to 12 months to conceive and that it completely normal. Which is disheartening when you decide to start a family, read into it more a realise that actually it’s not as easy as we’re warned when young.

My fingers are crossed for you!

@NorthSouthcatlady

Not sure why OP needs “therapy” for wanting to conceive but not. NEWSFLASH; it won’t ultimately change her feelings about peers or family mindlessly having children all over the shop : People want, what they want

Everyone can benefit from therapy. It helps you understand and manage your feelings. It’s not suggesting there is something wrong with her!

I agree control isn't something you can exert over the unpredictability of ttc, but if being more in control reduces her anxiety it may well help.

But step away from the aspirin. Baby aspirin isn't a magic elixir to make the egg and sperm get jiggy. It's aspirin. It has medical uses around blood thinning and inflammation. You shouldn't be taking it without a medical need because someone with a medical need took it and it helped.

Missed the aspirin but

Def don’t take to get preg

I had to take once preg as ivf, over 40 and had a blood clot years ago

@wanttobeehappy don’t lose heart it’s ok to feel that way the jealous feeling may be stemming from a feeling of powerless sort of wanting something that’s hard to get. So be easy on yourself. Also look up Luisa zissman on Instagram she has a post ttc babies basically what supplements she used to conceive and there have been lots of people who conceived quickly after following the advice after years of trying worth a look.

It’s not unreasonable but maybe have some counselling sessions before your feelings start to impact on the friendship. I remember being in my early 20’s with a friend who constantly had abortions while I was having miscarriages then suddenly just decided to keep her pregnancy and I’d lost mine. It doesn’t seem fair right now but your time WILL come!

I sympathise with how you are feeling but be careful how you express yourself to your friend.
I conceived before my friend, I wasn't really trying as I never thought I could have children (long, boring story) so DH and myself were on a "let's just see what happens and accept it" while she had had a couple of miscarriages. She vented to me unfair it all was that I was pregnant before her. My feelings were WTF???? A few months later she got pregnant again which went to term, we both have beautiful DD s now but although we are still friends I can never quite let go of the resentment she harboured in heart against me.

Go to your GP now and tell them you’ve been trying for a year. That way you can get started on the tests, there might be a waiting list anyway. I went through this for years and it’s very hard when others get pregnant. Try not to feel guilty about your feelings, it’s so complicated and it hurts when others appear to get pregnant so easily. It’s ok to be happy for her but sad for yourself, jealous, envious, angry and all the other emotions that this stirs up.
I went through several cycles of IVF with my own eggs and I’m now mum to an almost four year old girl, conceived using donor eggs. I wish I had started treatment earlier, although of course I wouldn’t change anything now, otherwise I wouldn’t have my daughter. Wishing you all the best.

When you stop obsessing and stressing about it it’ll happen. I was trying for four years and in the end was told I couldn’t have children and we started looking at adoption then I fell pregnant straight away. Everyone will say it to you but there’s 100% truth in it… it’ll happen

I can understand that you’ll feel upset and disheartened. Can you imagine how she would have handled the situation if she did know of your struggles OP? It’s just rubbish timing, don’t give up ❤️🙏🏻

We’ve been TTC since December 2017. We’ve had sooo many friends/ relatives have babies since then. It’s hard and heartbreaking and although I am always truly happy for them I do feel upset/angry/jealous/ sad that it’s not us! But I would never say I wasn’t happy for them.. just sad for me at the same time!

No, YABU. Nobody would understand you unless they had to walk in your shoes. I HAVE. Best of luck xx

My dh and I ttc for 11months with our first pregnancy and every month i got more and more disheartened (we did everything you are doing) until i got that positive. We were starting to think it wasnt going to happen. Our second child we decided not to stress and see what happened without stressing out about rules and when. It took 2months for that positive, our third it was literally like your friend decided just after period to start trying and didnt get the next period but got that positive....it does happen but I agree its unfortunate when your ttc yourself. Like many years ago before my 3dc I got pregnant at roughly the same time as a friend, I miscarried, she went on to have a beautiful baby. I'm not going to lie I hated being around her for such a long time, not because I was jealous but because of what could have been. Everytime I saw her with her bump/then baby my heart broke.

I totally get your feelings..and its very normal to feel that way. I struggled for almost 6 years with multiple miscarriages before my girl was born (day before my 40th she arrived) and the absolute rage and sadness every time another person announced their pregnancy was shocking.I had to learn to be happy for them whilst still being sad for me. I too recommend SMEP, fertility friend app and ovulation sticks. And despite popular opinion, fertility doesn't drop off a cliff at 35, its a gradual decline, you've got time, so try not to stress.

Honestly it is hard when you are trying and it isn't happening and then it happens to someone else so easily. It took over a year of trying for me to fall with my 5 year old. Also trying can also be really stressful so try not to get hung up on it just enjoy the bedtime romps with your partner. It will happen when your body is ready for it to happen. I found that once I relaxed and stopped thinking about if I'd get pregnant it actually happened.

Therapy may help, this isn’t your friends fault but I understand x

I read your comment as lighthearted @themental, it didn't come across to me as a dig. I think the OP is just a tad sensitive at the moment, perhaps understandably.

I was in the opposite situation to the OP. I fell pregnant accidentally, with twins. I was utterly devastated (contraception failure - mini pill) but a close friend of mine was TTC and had three late miscarriages. She was also a quite a lot older than OP, having met her Mr Right in her late thirties. I did all the right things in letting her know gently and privately. Unfortunately she also worked directly for me, so she had to endure it being announced at work and seeing me with a growing bump each day. I did everything I could to minimise it, but obviously it was unavoidable at times. She was an absolute bitch to me during my pregnancy but I imagine she was going through hell. I didn't react or bite back. She's a good person and must have been distraught. I left work and she quietly cut me off. Huge, enormous shame but I get it. She never managed to have kids, she gave up trying because she couldn't cope with the disappointment. She quit her job and went travelling round the world for a couple of years. I still miss her.

The chances are OP that you'll get there. You ARE relatively young no matter how you feel (I was 34 at conception). Meditate, relax, lots of sex. Stress hormones won't help you conceive. Also, is there any chance you could talk to your friend? You say she doesn't know that you were TTC - maybe you could let her know? She might be more sensitive. If she doesn't know you're struggling, it might end up in a situation where you snap/break down.

I mean, the other thing is that if you do conceive relatively soon, how amazing would it be to be having a child at the same time as your best friend?

Apologies if I’m repeating another post but why don’t you contact a fertility clinic near you and have a basic fertility assessment on both of you. Have a look at ABC Ivf. They’ll do a scan on you and a sperm test on DH to check the basics. I know there’s a cost but they look reasonably priced. It may put your minds at rest or identify if there’s a problem so you can think about whether you want to look at whatever treatment is recommended to speed things up. I’m sure that’ll be quicker than going through the NHS, particularly in the current situation. Just a thought.

@wanttobeehappy

I’ve bought Brazil nuts, raspberry leaf tea and baby aspirin. Going to get a ferti lily cup shortly too. Already do CBD ovulation tests and use preseed. Also booked in with a reflexologist and on Monday will call a few fertility centres to get the ball rolling.

Hopefully being proactive will make me feel a bit better.

Like others have said only take baby aspirin under consultant's permission. I'm on baby asprin currently as I have low PAPP-A and was told by my consultant to take it to help increase blood flow through my placenta as mine isnt working correctly. You need to be extremely careful about medications. Pregnacare vitamins are about the only tablet you should be taking (folic acid and vitamin D) really.

I don't think you can justify your reaction having been trying for such a short time yourself, many people try far longer and will begrudge you reacting like this after only 7 months of trying.

Been there, experienced that. Tried to conceive our first from the age of 31, took until I was 35 to have him after surgery to remove silent endometriosis. Had another surgery at 37 and miscarriage at 38 trying to have our second. Started IVF and due to finally do our transfers from April onwards at 40. If it works it would have taken the best part of 10 years to complete our family. It's all consuming! The amount of money I have spent on fertility ovulation gadgets, herbal teas, accupuncture and f%&k knows what else when all i need is a sodding operation (and hopefully IVF as I'm not being cut open anymore!). A friend who has been anorexic for most of her life, smokes like a chimney and eats crap fell pregnant with both her kids, first wasnt even trying the second she was on the bloody pill! It infuriated me! Its been a tough pill to swallow but you have to remind yourself, their journey is not your journey. I'd advise not wasting time and getting a thorough fertility check up (including for endo, I had no idea i had it!!) Good luck, you'll get there!

Can we drop the judgement towards this woman for telling her friend she is pregnant? There is no reason to wait until 12 weeks or any other time frame, unless you want to. She clearly doesn't want to wait, and shouldn't have to. The expectation of silence during early pregnancy only exacerbates the stigma around loss.

What you are feeling is very natural. I struggled to conceive and was panicking 6 months in. Finally happened 18 months later whilst going through early tests and treatment. I do remember how hard it was hearing of others falling so easily. My closest friend wasn’t trying and thought I was being a bit OTT but she then went on to have fertility problems and then really struggled herself with pregnancy announcements all around. Thankfully finally things worked out for her too. As others have suggested perhaps get the ball rolling on some basic tests just to reassure you. I also think perhaps in due course you could confide in your friend and I’m sure she would be very supportive.