Page 8 | Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her

AegonT · 19/02/2022 09:59

You are naturally going to feel jealous and upset. Just try not to show it to her. If it stays so upsetting then I'd let her know you're TTC so she can try to be sensitive to you.

At your age I really wouldn't panic yet. Just try for 5 more months then get the tests on the NHS. I used the ovulation sticks and DTD lots when trying for my second baby and it still took 10 months. It was most confusing to me as like your friend my first baby took 1 month! Most couples conceive within a year. I know other friends who conceived in the second six months of that year.

RubyKitty · 19/02/2022 10:01

YANBU. I was in a similar reverse situation. A friend and I had babies 3 weeks apart, roll on 18 months and my friend started TTC, 6 months later I started, and fell immediately. I felt ‘awful’ for it happening so easily when friend was still trying. When I told her we both cried and were both happy and sad. She went through all your emotions but we got through it together by chatting about both our feelings. It’s normal to feel some jealousy. Talk to your friend and tell her what you are going through and be there for each other. I hope you fall soon x

SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 10:02

@wanttobeehappy

I know IABU but I need somewhere to vent I guess.

We’ve been TTC properly for 7 months, POS constantly to track ovulation, DTD on all the right days etc.

Friend decided three weeks ago to TTC, and today announced she’s pregnant.

I feel awful but I’m not happy for her. I feel consumed by jealousy. Every month I am so disappointed and it feels so unfair 😞 I want to be happy for her but I’m getting intrusive thoughts and I hate it. I just feel like it should be my turn.

What can I do to get past this and be happy for my lovely friend?

Hello there. OP. I have been in similar situations and have felt people had been insensitive. I didn't feel jealous or angry but wondered why they would blurt news to me after I had failed to get pregnant in the 4 years I had been trying afyer 2 miscarriages. I had a colleague who found me in the work building to tell me her cousin hot pregnant 3 months after marraige.....why? I dont care. Lol. It is insensitive of people.

I have one friend who told me she gave birth to twins on new years. We havent met since lockdown. Sometimes people just don't think. And sometimes people think too deeply. Maybe she thinks not telling you would make you feel a certain way.

NudieUnderTheOodie · 19/02/2022 10:03

@Marvellousmadness

You SHOULD be happy for her Whilst being sad for yourself too!

But don't become one of those women who hate all other pregnant ladies.

It's OK to be jealous, and sad, and feel stuck in limbo OP, forever wondering if it will be the next month that you get pregnant. And it's very easy to get caught up in TTC, it is a repetitive cycle and the novelty very quickly wears off.

I am one of those women who hate visibly pregnant ladies. Of course I don't actually hate them, it's jealousy and bitterness for myself, and grief and sadness and a rememinder of when I was naive in TTC and pregnancy.

LowlandLucky · 19/02/2022 10:03

I could understand you feeling a bit peeved but i think YABU to not be happy for her. Maybe she needs to find nicer friends and ones that aren't so self centered.

MintyGreenDream · 19/02/2022 10:03

You could go to the gp and tell them you've been trying for a year

MojoJojo71 · 19/02/2022 10:12

This happened to me. We started ttc and my best friend decided it would be wonderful if we had babies together. Lo and behold a couple of weeks later she was pregnant. She actually had given birth to two children by the time I conceived my DD over 4 years later. It’s natural to feel envious but what I felt helped was to try to remember that there isn’t a finite pool of babies. Someone else getting one doesn’t mean there are fewer left for the rest of us. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself but let her have her happiness too.

EmpressSuiko · 19/02/2022 10:25

I had a miscarriage and it took me 9 months to fall pregnant again, I actually conceived after deciding to stop trying but I knew something was up with my body and when I did take a test and had it all confirmed by the doctor I was only 3/4 weeks pregnant so I found out very early. I didn’t tell anyone due to my previous miscarriage as I was scared.
It took me a long time to be comfortable seeing pregnant friends/strangers/young babies. I was so heart broken from my loss that it was extremely difficult to feel joy for others even if I desperately wanted to be happy for them.
Your feelings are valid and I do hope you get your positive test soon.

HeyEwe · 19/02/2022 10:26

I think it's only natural to feel jealous, she has no idea that you are trying for a baby though so I doubt she'll have wanted to upset you, in fact she'll feel guilty she made you feel like that if she does find out. If you have a really good friendship I'd be really careful not to ruin it, it does end up being the elephant in the room, when you are the "fertile unicorn" (lol as someone put it) and your friend is struggling. You end up feeling like you can't even mention your baby, of course it isn't as upsetting as not being able to have a baby but it is upsetting when you are made to feel bad about it by a jealous friend.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 19/02/2022 10:36

How can she have started trying 3 weeks ago she wouldn’t have even missed a period yet ? More like she has been off contraception/ not using condoms for a while and decided 3 weeks ago that if she got pregnant she’d be happy about it and she has found she’s pregnant. This is what happened to me. Came off my pill end of January, didn’t tell anyway, got pregnant in March seemingly without ever even trying, miscarried in May, pregnant again in August - one of my friends described me as having ‘tried for ages’ - if you count January coming off pill to August to get pregnant then I suppose that’s a while - whilst a co worker recently said ‘you didn’t even need to look at your DP and you got pregnant!’

I think you can spin the narrative how you want with ttc, I have friends who tried for a year then did IVF and conceived first time who describe it as a really long hard road which to them it was but compared to friends who tried for 5 years and conceived 3rd go of IVF it’s nothing.

Just say all the right things OP, and concentrate on yourself, things will work out for you I promise

sillysmiles · 19/02/2022 11:10

@wanttobeehappy

It's perfectly to hold two opposing emotions at the same time - happiness for her and sadness for yourself.

Anyone saying you're wrong or a bad friend for feeling sadness for your self are simply people who have no experience of infertility.

Please go to your GP, explain the lack of success. They should do bloods for AMH TSH LH and FSH on day 3/4 and day 21- I think. I can't remember the actual days.
Good luck.

user6573 · 19/02/2022 11:15

I think it's dishonest of you not to tell her. She could be more tactful and acknowledge you are hurting if she knew. She must think you very close friends if she shares everything and in her case I'd be hurt to know that honesty was one way. Time and again I see women on here hurt that their friends have been odd or pulled away from them once pregnant and I think often it comes down to jealousy (which is a natural feeling if TTC) but it could be avoided if women weren't so secretive. Not falling pregnant straight away or miscarriages shouldn't be a big shameful secret.

lockdownalli · 19/02/2022 11:20

Bearing in mind the fact that your friend doesn't know anything about your TTC difficulties, she hasn't been insensitive.

I don't know why some people are so shocked that you can get pregnant within three weeks of trying With my first I decided not to go back on the pill after my period, and fell pregnant ten days later. Conceiving my second took a lot longer. Not everyone has a medical textbook 28 day cycle.

I really feel for you OP, and you do sound like a lovely friend and I hope you can be as supportive to your friend as you would like to be.

user6573 · 19/02/2022 11:22

@Blueeyedgirl21

How can she have started trying 3 weeks ago she wouldn’t have even missed a period yet ? More like she has been off contraception/ not using condoms for a while and decided 3 weeks ago that if she got pregnant she’d be happy about it and she has found she’s pregnant. This is what happened to me. Came off my pill end of January, didn’t tell anyway, got pregnant in March seemingly without ever even trying, miscarried in May, pregnant again in August - one of my friends described me as having ‘tried for ages’ - if you count January coming off pill to August to get pregnant then I suppose that’s a while - whilst a co worker recently said ‘you didn’t even need to look at your DP and you got pregnant!’

I think you can spin the narrative how you want with ttc, I have friends who tried for a year then did IVF and conceived first time who describe it as a really long hard road which to them it was but compared to friends who tried for 5 years and conceived 3rd go of IVF it’s nothing.

Just say all the right things OP, and concentrate on yourself, things will work out for you I promise

The wait between ovulation and expected period is two weeks. I had a positive pregnancy test for one of mine at 9DPO, that is cycle day 23. Someone could decide a week after their period they were going to start trying that month and have a positive test in under 2 weeks. So not necessarily lying.

Clumsyvolcano · 19/02/2022 11:25

I would find her REALLY insensitive and consider ending the friendship over this. Who does that? Knowing what you’re going through, telling you she’s TTC and then announcing so soon. She sounds like she’s loving it.

What a bitch. Sorry if it seems harsh but a close friend doesn’t do that.

Clumsyvolcano · 19/02/2022 11:26

Right so I just read that she doesn’t know. I would have thought she would know. Ignore me!

WitchWithoutChips · 19/02/2022 11:27

Please remember too OP that there is a whole industry that wants to make money out of your desire to have a baby. You are young and presumably healthy. You don’t need OPKs at this point. Just have sex every 2-3 days through your cycle. There are useful tools available if that doesn’t do the trick but it’s highly likely that you’ll conceive before needing them.

fairgame84 · 19/02/2022 11:35

@Clumsyvolcano
But she doesn't know what op is going through because she hasn't told her.

I know it's hard, we were trying for 14 months and it seemed like everyone else fell pregnant easily. Your turn will come. 90% of couples fall pregnant within 12 months so your only halfway through.
Go to the GP af 12 months and get the ball rolling for tests. I went after 6 months because im 37, there wasn't a long wait for tests on the nhs, our first test was 6 weeks after referral and all tests were completed within 5 months on the nhs. DH has low sperm count and we were told we needed ivf but we got pregnant naturally on cycle 14 with the fert-lily.

Havea · 19/02/2022 11:38

My friend confided in me she was starting to worry she wouldn't conceive as they'd been trying three months. She got pregnant the next month. Her previous child she'd got pregnant on the first month. It pissed me off to be honest as she knew it took over four years and rounds of expensive IVF for us to conceive our second (first baby took 18 months). I think people need to choose their audience carefully when talking about ttc. She lives a charmed life though. Just one of those people who everything goes right for. Perfect boy followed by a perfect girl with the perfect age gap. Big gender reveals. My gender reveal was the nice lady from the private NIFTY clinic telling us that our baby hadn't tested positive for Downs or Edwards syndrome after all, oh and you're having a boy.

I can tell you that now I know my youngest was born at exactly the right time for us. I absolutely love being older and having a young child. We have so much more time, patience, money, wisdom to offer him than our older child and he was so worth waiting for.

Chely · 19/02/2022 12:26

It's a normal feeling when you are not having a great time ttc.
In 2020 we had friends who were expecting and due a couple of weeks after us, I miscarried at 9wk and they went to term. I found it incredibly difficult to even talk about their pregnancy after our loss, I was grieving and it's hard. We fell pregnant again and had a baby last year so had our own joy, felt bad sharing news of her with SIL who was struggling ttc. Try not to show negative feelings, don't feel too bad for not being excited for others though. Hopefully you will have your own joy to share soon, good luck.

Chocolatetrifle · 19/02/2022 12:43

I think you are perfectly entitled to feel how you feel now. Having gone through infertility myself I understand your reaction. I avoided one of my closest friend's phone calls for days when I knew from another friend that she was announcing her pregnancy to me. At that point I had been trying without luck for 3 years. I couldn't bear it and no I wasn't happy for her at that point in time I was angry and sad for myself. It's very, very, painful. Pregnancy is a hard road for many once the excitement of the 'announcement' is over. I won't go into my personal journey but just wanted to let you know that I validate your feelings and I wish you so much luck in your TTC journey. If you feel like you need to keep a bit of distance whilst you try, that is ok too. There is nothing worse than having to look at scan photos or attend a baby shower when you are struggling to conceive. Every month is an opportunity and fingers crossed for you.

Tevion28 · 19/02/2022 13:15

I can't feel a ounce of joy for any pregnancy announcement op since I was diagnosed with pof over 10 years ago whilst ttc my 2nd dc.
I know how you feel.

Original poster

wanttobeehappy · 19/02/2022 13:33

@Blueeyedgirl21

How can she have started trying 3 weeks ago she wouldn’t have even missed a period yet ? More like she has been off contraception/ not using condoms for a while and decided 3 weeks ago that if she got pregnant she’d be happy about it and she has found she’s pregnant. This is what happened to me. Came off my pill end of January, didn’t tell anyway, got pregnant in March seemingly without ever even trying, miscarried in May, pregnant again in August - one of my friends described me as having ‘tried for ages’ - if you count January coming off pill to August to get pregnant then I suppose that’s a while - whilst a co worker recently said ‘you didn’t even need to look at your DP and you got pregnant!’

I think you can spin the narrative how you want with ttc, I have friends who tried for a year then did IVF and conceived first time who describe it as a really long hard road which to them it was but compared to friends who tried for 5 years and conceived 3rd go of IVF it’s nothing.

Just say all the right things OP, and concentrate on yourself, things will work out for you I promise

Her missed period was yesterday so she tested and sent me a photo of it immediately. It was their first cycle. I know she’s being honest about it all for a number of reasons which I am not going to go in to here so can everyone stop suggesting that she’s lying about her journey!

OP posts:

roarfeckingroarr · 19/02/2022 13:36

Yeah you're being silly. Just be happy for me.

Tevion28 · 19/02/2022 13:46

I would hate to be fake by pretending to be happy i would rather distance myself.