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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her

285 replies

wanttobeehappy · 18/02/2022 22:38

I know IABU but I need somewhere to vent I guess.

We’ve been TTC properly for 7 months, POS constantly to track ovulation, DTD on all the right days etc.

Friend decided three weeks ago to TTC, and today announced she’s pregnant.

I feel awful but I’m not happy for her. I feel consumed by jealousy. Every month I am so disappointed and it feels so unfair 😞 I want to be happy for her but I’m getting intrusive thoughts and I hate it. I just feel like it should be my turn.

What can I do to get past this and be happy for my lovely friend?

OP posts:
Foolmeonce97 · 19/02/2022 03:09

Totally normal feelings, but why do you blame yourself for not being pregnant yet?. How do you know its not your Dp, at this early stage of TTC?

Don't automatically blame & put yourself down for "failing". Cut yourself some slack and know it sometimes takes time. You are still relatively young in the TTC stakes.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2022 03:13

OP good luck and don't feel bad. Not feeling happy for someone is not your fault, it's just how you feel.

I had trouble conceiving and remember a friend telling me she was pregnant at dinner. I sat and smiled and asked questions etc. Got in the car with DH afterwards, went round the corner and burst into tears.

Fast forward to the birth of friends' baby, I went to the hospital, and had a cry in the loo before I went to see baby. Unbeknownst to me, I was pregnant with my baby.

I really hope it will happen for you soon.

Laserbird16 · 19/02/2022 03:44

You don't have to be ok. You're allowed to be disappointed/upset/angry. Just don't unleash that on your friend. It's not her that you have these feelings about it's the situation. Find someone supportive have a good rant about how unfair it is and then pick yourself up and carry on. Maybe to save your friendship you could let her know you're TTC but it isn't happening for you and you'd really appreciate it if you guys didn't talk about baby stuff. A good friend would totally understand

Monty27 · 19/02/2022 03:58

OP I hope you're day comes soon it must be horrible. You're friend would be delighted for you. Please keep hope 💐

curlii103 · 19/02/2022 04:09

You recognise shes not being insensitive to you so i think youre perfectly entitled to feel angry, resentful or whatever else!! Ttc can be alll consuming and its so hard alwaus waiting for the next 2 weeks! Hope you get your bfp soon. I would see if you can pay privately for tests i would want to be doing something

Momijin · 19/02/2022 04:46

I remember getting pregnant with no trying and one of my friends trying for years for her second. I felt so bad that I didn't want to tell her about my pregnancy until i had to. Luckily she got pregnant soon after i told her.

I have another friend who took a few years of trying to have her first and then got pregnant on the first try with her second. Good luck op

Ajl46 · 19/02/2022 04:58

@wanttobeehappy

Yes I use the clear blue digital ones with the smiley faces. I’ll book him in for that, seems it’s only £150 ish. If that comes back okay what are they key ones for me? I’ve been Googling but it’s all a bit confusing and a lot of clinics seem to jump straight to IVF?!
My GP started with an AMH test which gives an indication of your ovarian egg reserves www.uhcw.nhs.uk/clientfiles/files/IVF/CRM%20AMH%20Patient%20Information%20(GEN-PI-000213V11).pdf
Passanotherjaffacake · 19/02/2022 05:18

OP you can google Fertility MOTs and they are basically the same tests as they run when you start to qualify for fertility referrals. The second wave of checks are where they do the tube/dye test and take a little sample of womb lining.

If you see the GP in 5 months they will do a sperm check and a 21 day progesterone test whilst your referral goes through.

There is definitely a ramping up before IVF, if you want it. Lots of people try Clomid and IUI before IVF.

I was in the 5 year ttc camp, if it helps, I found it hardest in the early days when lots of others became pregnant. I became much more zen about it in the following years as it was something that became part of me. Also I came to really understand that other peoples success did not affect my journey. So, although you are very, very likely to be in the group of women who conceive naturally within a year, if you aren’t, then you might not always feel this way.

In that time I met plenty of people who felt that something was wrong only to naturally conceive - fingers crossed this will be you!

I’m currently awake with pregnancy infertility from my second IVF baby, so in the end I was very lucky.

Best of luck OP.

ViaRia · 19/02/2022 05:25

To be honest, I think YABU.
7 months isn’t THAT long to be ttc and there’s a good chance it’ll be your turn soon. I wish you luck with that.
But your attitude is selfish and unreasonable. Your friend is excited to share her happy news with you and you can’t be there for her. It’s a real shame, I think.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, that’s just how I feel about these ttc situations.
I don’t know HOW you can get passed your feelings in this but I do think that you SHOULD. I think you just need to have a word with yourself and see the joy that your friend has shared with you.

BabyLove22 · 19/02/2022 05:55

YABU. I tried for my baby the same time friend accidentally fell pregnant after saying she didn't want kids. Unfortunately she miscarried & my pregnancy continued & she was unable to be happy for me and all our mutual friends would talk about how bad they felt for her rather than how happy they was for me, I know how it feels to be told you're making someone uncomfortable just for doing something you've dreamt of doing since being a young girl and it's the worst thing, someone who's supposed to be your best friend and others around her not even caring about your baby is the saddest thing so please don't tell your friend she's hurt your feelings because she hasn't done anything wrong to you. That's your problem, not hers

Keepitrealnomists · 19/02/2022 05:59

I completely understand his your feeling OP, when we were TTC I had a friend tbat was in an awful relationship and accidently (on purpose) got pregnant when she had showed no interest in having children beodre let alone with an abusive man. I struggled with it, I struggled with my own feelings but how selfish she was being to bring a child into a daily shit storm. We had a huge falling out and I deleted her from my life.
It took 14 months to conceive our first and 12 months for our second after a miscarriage. We had all nhs tests and everything was normal. Sometimes it just takes longer than other people.
Be kind to yourself and take care

Newmumatlast · 19/02/2022 06:03

It's normal to feel jealous but op, 7mths is nothing really. Took me over 5 years and IVF for first and 2 years for second naturally. Start to think of it as possibly taking 2 years and her as just lucky. Many people take a while they just don't always know it did if unplanned

cookiemonster2468 · 19/02/2022 06:04

It's OK to feel envious but of course, it isn't her fault. Especially as you did not share your situation with her, she couldn't possibly know.

WanderingFruitWonderer · 19/02/2022 06:09

You can't help your emotions OP. The thing is that you're not expressing them to her, so you're not doing anything wrong.
A really challenging and difficult time for you. Anyone with even an ounce of empathy, would understand how hard it is for you.
I really hope things work out for you soon. Best wishes to both you and your friend Flowers

Pepperama · 19/02/2022 06:11

When I read this I thought - 7 month isn’t that long, it’s likely to just happen naturally in the next few months and all going well you’ll have your little folk growing up together which'd be lovely

Strawberry33 · 19/02/2022 06:22

The average time it normally takes to conceive is longer than seven months. Seven months isn’t particularly long at all. I know it must be hard though. Wishing you the best xxxx

Bel1991 · 19/02/2022 06:32

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Totally natural to feel how you do!

I was blessed enough to conceive straight away (not rubbing it in -just for context) and was really worried about sharing it with my friend who has been having trouble conceiving. She was delighted for me but I always avoided sharing too much of my story with her because I felt awful that her journey wasn't working out like mine.

I understand you're private but maybe sharing your experience with her will help both of get through it?

Also hang in there- my friend was ttc for 4 years naturally before deciding to go down the IVF path and then found out she was pregnant when she was having an exam before beginning treatment SmileSmile

All the best with everything Thanks

TheWayTheLightFalls · 19/02/2022 06:46

Totally get you OP. I think in a few months (if you can wait that long) once she's a bit more settled in the pregnancy gently mention to her that you'd love to be pregnant too, you've been trying for a little while now and unfortunately it hasn't happened yet. She will hopefully dial down the baby chat a bit and you can be open with one another.

She's allowed to be excited of course, but your privacy means that she may not understand where you're at.

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 19/02/2022 06:51

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP Flowers and I hope this happens for you soon.

I just wanted to say, if you want to keep being friends with her maybe you need to tell her you have been TTC and are struggling? I say this as I have a very close friend who was TTC for years. She didn’t tell us, a few of us had babies in the meantime, spoke about our pregnancies etc with no filter as we had no idea what DF was going through, and instead she withdrew from us her best friends, felt isolated and alone of top of everything else. We didn’t know til years later and feel awful and just wish we had known so we could have spoken about things with more sensitivity and been there for her. From her part she has said she massively regrets not letting us know sooner.
I’m wishing you the very best of luck Flowers

Honeymint · 19/02/2022 07:02

Of course YANBU to feel this way, although whatever you do try your best to look happy for her on the outside.

It’s a little different but we were TTC for three years and finally got there last year. My sister has been trying for 3 months and doesn’t want me to talk about anything to do with the pregnancy in front of her as it upsets her.
I know she’s also trying but I just want to talk to her about it and it really hurts that I can’t.
You’ll get there eventually. It sucks that it’s taking a while but when you’re there your friend will remember how you acted toward her when she got pregnant. Don’t blame yourself for feeling this way, it’s normal - just try your best to look excited for your friend.

Good luck Flowers

LesleyA · 19/02/2022 07:11

7 months feels a long time especially as one starts wondering what’s going to make next month any different. But one month will be different and before you know it you’re choosing high schools. You may struggle with your first like I did and then not with your second. She may not with her first and then struggle with her second. I’d consider telling her so she can also support you. Pretending takes a lot of energy I know this. Just have faith you will fall pregnant it’s just when not if so get happy for her so that you can put positive vibes into your body. It is completely completely normal to feel jealous though. Acknowledge the feeling but tell it it’s not welcome and look forward to all the nice things she’ll pass on to you for yours

drpet49 · 19/02/2022 07:14

YABU. Your friend doesn’t even know about you TTC.

She told you so early because she is excited and she is your best friend.

Sorry but 7 months TTC is no time at all and I think you are being too obsessive at such an early stage.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 19/02/2022 07:23

I actually think you sound like a lovely friend with very normal feelings. I’m 3 weeks pregnant and told my very best friend yesterday. Because I was excited but also because some support might be needed if these don’t go to plan so I don’t think it’s strange she told you early like some posters do. do think maybe you should mention you have been trying so then she can be more sensitive to your feelings?

bigbadgoof · 19/02/2022 07:25

I think what you’re feeling is actually very normal. Airing your thoughts in this anonymous way is actually very healthy. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to process it. It took me over a year to conceive and I started going to counselling to deal with my emotions which was so helpful. Maybe something to look into if you continue to feel this way?