Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her

[wanttobeehappy]

I know IABU but I need somewhere to vent I guess.

We’ve been TTC properly for 7 months, POS constantly to track ovulation, DTD on all the right days etc.

Friend decided three weeks ago to TTC, and today announced she’s pregnant.

I feel awful but I’m not happy for her. I feel consumed by jealousy. Every month I am so disappointed and it feels so unfair 😞 I want to be happy for her but I’m getting intrusive thoughts and I hate it. I just feel like it should be my turn.

What can I do to get past this and be happy for my lovely friend?

themental I want to be happy for her and I think I am but I’m
Just so sad for myself too

Tricky. I would nevpolite and say the right things. But ultimately inch back from her as it all gets a bit much. But we’ve been trying for over 3.5 years, with 2 cycle of IVF in that. Whereas some people we know had 2 children in that time. So lm a bit worn down by the trying for 2 minutes crowd

Its normal to feel the way you do. Everyone I knew basically had kids waaaay before me.
It took us 3 years to fall pregnant. I was booked for fertility investigations and found out I was pregnant on the day of the appointment.
Without sounding mean, 7 months is nothing in the grand scheme of trying for a baby. Depending on your age your GP prob wont refer you for anything until youve been trying over 12months.
Even then, it takes bloody ages to see anyone.
Be supportive of your friend, but dont suffer in silence. I found talking my problems through with a good friend really helped me.
Good luck OP.

@wanttobeehappy

I think it’s more that I feel in my gut that there’s something wrong and it’s not going to work for us. Maybe I will try GP too

If you are under 35 I wouldn’t bother going to see the GP until after trying for 12 months. They will almost guaranteed not be able to do anything because of the guidelines put in place for this.

@wanttobeehappy

scrumptious I’m 32 nearly 33, I’m panicking I’ve left it too late and it’s all my fault

Please don't think that. I only met my husband at 31. Had our first at 37, second at 38 and third at 41. I am overweight and had irregular cycles all my life. 32 is not old. But if you are worried go to.GP and tell him its been a year and get started on the testing.

Good luck.

@Youdoyoutoday

So why haven't you shared that with your best friend?

But even sharing a positive pregnancy test after 3 weeks is so early, its cringeworthy. I don't say that to be mean, I say it from experience of having lost a few early pregnancies.

Oh dear, I wish you and her the best. Keep trying OP and try to relax. X

Why is it cringeworthy? Even if things do go wrong, wanting to share with your best mate is totally normal. I told mine and she told me, and when we both experienced losses at different times we also were there for each other.

I conceived my first immediately, after being warned I was probably infertile. My friend took a few years to conceive her first.

I took 8 months to conceive my second and have had a few miscarriages whilst attempting to conceive my third. The friend conceived her second in the first month of trying.

It's not the end of the story, and sometimes those who take a while to conceive their first have an easier time later on. I hope that's the case for you.

But in the mean time, which of us would be 100% delighted and 0% envious in your position? In TTC every month it doesn't happen is something we need to grieve for. Seeing others easily get what we do long for feels like a stab into a heart that already aches. It doesn't make you a bad friend.

@wanttobeehappy
I could have written the exact same post!
Best friends since we were 5, she has 2 dc already and was very sure she was done until she accidentally got pregnant last year, unfortunately ended in mc but was pregnant again 8 weeks later. All going ok this time as far as I know, I feel like I've had to distance myself from her.
She does not know we've been ttc.
I want to be happy for her but it's so hard to constantly put on a brave face.

Very much hoping this is your month OP! 🤞

@Youdoyoutoday how is it cringeworthy? Can women stop bringing other women down please. Let's normalise telling people about pregnancies early IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT. Let's normalise talking about miscarriages IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT.
I would tell close friends and family early because I'd also tell them if something went wrong. It is perfectly okay to wait to tell people at 12 weeks or 15 weeks or 3 weeks. It's a personal choice and one which doesn't need to be judged.

@wanttobeehappy

themental I want to be happy for her and I think I am but I’m Just so sad for myself too

I think this is the important bit. Seperate out your feelings and you'll feel less guilty for them. You ARE happy for her, you love her and you'll love this baby. You are sad for yourself and just want to be in the position she is in.

It might be worth being honest. Tell her you're so happy but also your feeling quite sad for yourself as you're ttc too and you thought it would happen already. It might just stop any of the insensitive comments people say without thinking. I remember friends joking about only having to look at a penis and they fell pregnant. Well yeah, that's helpful, thanks.

Why are people so surprised she's told her very close friend she's pregnant so early? Not everyone does the obligatory Mumsnet '3 month wait', especially not with the people closest to you.

[quote Pumpfive]@Youdoyoutoday how is it cringeworthy? Can women stop bringing other women down please. Let's normalise telling people about pregnancies early IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT. Let's normalise talking about miscarriages IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT.
I would tell close friends and family early because I'd also tell them if something went wrong. It is perfectly okay to wait to tell people at 12 weeks or 15 weeks or 3 weeks. It's a personal choice and one which doesn't need to be judged.[/quote]
Didn't see this before I posted. Well said.

@DiddyHeck

Why are people so surprised she's told her very close friend she's pregnant so early? Not everyone does the obligatory Mumsnet '3 month wait', especially not with the people closest to you.

3 month wait? I thought you were not meant to tell anyone and just wait until they see you and comment on your bump / baby /,teenager depending on the timescale. Even if your best firmed lives in Aus and you never see her, tough. You can't tell people. It's cringey and naff.

I don’t have any issues with her telling me so early on btw. I think tell people whenever you want. I just am struggling with my feelings

Dear OP, I so understand you. We tried for more than 2 years, nothing. We decided to go through all the fertility checks, and all of a sudden everyone around us was getting pregnant. Literally, 6 couples among friends/coworkers. The hardest for me was a coworker who didn't want to be pregnant and proceeded to have a termination. Perfectly fine and sound and normally I wouldn't bat an eyelid but when she told me while inside I was screaming and crying to have my own baby was terrible. Like, why her if she doesn't even want it, why not me. It's awful, because I know she didn't do anything lightheartedly and it wasn't easy on her at all. But still, I could only see my pain back then.
Afterwards it was one of my dearest friends. I knew she had been trying for a while and struggled for months although she didn't know about me as like yourself, I am a private person and don't usually share a lot of my life with anybody. I felt genuinely happy for her, when she finally got when she wanted and hoped for for so long. But nevertheless I spent the whole evening crying because at the same time I was sad it wasn't me. I couldn't talk to her for weeks. Eventually it helped to find the courage to open up about my own struggles with her. She was so sweet and understanding, like it seems your friend would be. It was one of the most difficult conversations of my life, I won't lie. But eventually I felt better for it.

Some of the posts on here are embarrassing the op isn’t being nasty about her friend so unsure why others feel the need to

I’m sorry OP, I’ve been there myself after trying for 3 years but I’m now sat here with my 5MO. Don’t lose hope, 7 months in the grand scheme of things is nothing and once you’re holding your baby it’ll all be forgotten

I kept my trying to conceive quiet. I even went the other way and said I wasn’t about babies, even to my closest friends that I would absolutely everything to. In my experience, people tend to announce they are trying when they’re in early pregnancy. It’s not a slight on your friendship. It’s so tough, I’ve had a lot of years ttc, many miscarriages when best friends have announced their second baby. Early 30s is so young still, stop reading stats as most are based on very limited studies years ago that have mostly been disproven. You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, maybe take a step back for a bit with the ovulation tests, give yourselves a two month break and just enjoy each other. You’ve been trying for under a year which is completely normal not to get pregnant in that time. I wish you all the luck.

You really aren't too late OP. And it can't hurt to get everything tested if you can as soon as you can. DH and I did after only trying 6 months and I was 36. Turned out I had stage 3 endo, but as I was on a strong anti inflammatory for another condition I didn't suffer with the kind of pain you'd imagine, so I had no idea. After a laproscopy where they dignosed and removed it at the same time, 3 months later I was pregnant and DD now is fast asleep in the next room.

My point being, if we hadn't been tested and in my case examined too we'd have carried on with very small chance of it happening for us. We did get tested privately but we're able to self refer back to the hospital for the laproscopy as they took on NHS patients (as we couldn't afford that cost) so we were under the care of the same doctor the whole way through. Best of luck OP, while we were trying a younger sibling, 2 younger cousins and a friend all announced pregnancies and I know it can feel like everyone's getting pregnant while you struggle

Bloody hell, no wonder miscarriage is still treated like a shameful secret. It's easy to tell on here where that comes from, and it's not the OP who is understandably upset.

Do you use the clear blue digital ovulation test? It gives you flashing smiles when you're in your fertile period and then 2 days of solid smile when you need to DTD? I got pregnant first month (after months of trying) with it and then passed onto two of my friend who also got pregnant first month.

I don't think there's a great deal you can do, it's just a really difficult time and I pray your happiness comes soon.

aladdin yes that’s the one we use, I also use preseed lube now too and still nothing. Have been doing the hips raised afterwards thing for 15 minutes too though I’ve read very mixed things about whether that even helps

I've been there, it took me 4 years to have my second and in that time quite a lot of my friends managed to give their children siblings. It wasn't just that I wanted another baby but my pride was also wounded in a strange kind of way. Like i had decided to start TTC before them and being pregnant again was going to be MY thing, I was going to have the siblings with the perfect age gap etc (not proud to admit to any of this!)

In the end it took much longer than expected, but we had the perfect age gap for us and there no shame in losing the baby race. Worked out really well actually because I got loads of clothes and stuff handed down from the friends who conceived before me (I got rid of all the baby stuff from DC1 after a string of miscarriages, deciding i wouldn't try anymore - conceived 18 months later)

Even now, when my family is complete and I'm happy with that, I can't see a pregnant woman's stomach or a pregnancy announcement without a pang of jealousy!

Sorry just seen that you do use the CB digital ov tests!

I think the main thing is, its only been 7 months. Doesn't mean it'll take years! I know how frustrating it can be. It took me 6 months, I miscarried, just before 12 weeks and then had two stillbirths and then my 2 kids.

The same thing happened to me this time last year. My best friend started trying in January and fell pregnant that month.

I initially felt bad about how jealous and hard done by I felt, but I went to therapy and learned that I'm allowed to have feelings whether they're positive or negative and they're perfectly valid. I also felt terrible for "leaving it too long" and she helped me realise that I hadn't, and that I had waited to have children for valid, sensible reasons. Also, I'm 34 and no doctor has ever mentioned my age as a negative.

If you can, maybe go to some therapy sessions? It's good to talk to a neutral person about these things. Also, you can pull back a bit. I found my friend's incessant pregnancy talk painful so I limited my exposure to it.