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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her

285 replies

wanttobeehappy · 18/02/2022 22:38

I know IABU but I need somewhere to vent I guess.

We’ve been TTC properly for 7 months, POS constantly to track ovulation, DTD on all the right days etc.

Friend decided three weeks ago to TTC, and today announced she’s pregnant.

I feel awful but I’m not happy for her. I feel consumed by jealousy. Every month I am so disappointed and it feels so unfair 😞 I want to be happy for her but I’m getting intrusive thoughts and I hate it. I just feel like it should be my turn.

What can I do to get past this and be happy for my lovely friend?

OP posts:
AladdinPrincess999 · 19/02/2022 00:33

Okay please don't think I'm crazy because you literally try anything to get pregnant lol. I did this and caught my eldest!!

Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her
Original poster
wanttobeehappy · 19/02/2022 00:36

aladdin I’ll try anything at this point!

OP posts:
Babyontheway21 · 19/02/2022 00:38

I was your age and TTC for 11/12 months. Because of my age they did initial blood tests on me and tests on my partner we had a phone consultation with the fertility clinic and two days later I found out I was pregnant. I believe that knowing I had that appointment coming up made me relax as I knew help was on the way. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t panic and relax, being anxious doesn’t help. It’s easy for me to say now as I was tracking my cycle on about 5 different apps had clear blue ovulation sticks and what ever else came up when I googled TTC. But really the best thing was just to not think about it.

I too felt like you when I heard someone was pregnant so no yanbu just being a human with normal human feelings.Flowers

Graphista · 19/02/2022 00:40

While I sympathise with how you're feeling right now you're allowed to feel however I did notice

DTD on all the right days etc.

This may be why you're struggling

I have stuck in my mind dr Robert winston on telly once saying the majority of cases referred to his clinic were often simply not having enough sex. That many couples/women didn't really calculate ovulation and optimum time to conceive correctly and were avoiding sex during what they thought were non optimal days and weren't accounting for how long eggs and sperm can take to get together

He advised no tracking but lots of sex and said that often did the trick

Plus luck IS a huge factor at every stage

I fell pregnant the 1st time correctly taking the combined pill. The 2nd time 2 months ttc but both ended in mc. Dd 3 months ttc but a VERY tricky pregnancy ending in an emcs, me and her both very poorly after she was in scbu I was on critical gynae Ward not post labour Ward.

Rtmhwales · 19/02/2022 00:40

I feel this way about my SIL and a colleague. SIL and DB in a horrible position to have a baby right now. Colleague saying for a few years she doesn't really want kids. Both pregnant almost immediately while I'm on 16 months TTC, three miscarriages, horribly invasive medical procedures.

Inwardly jealous and bitter. Outwardly, I'm happy for them and sending them my blessings. Fake it until you make it I guess.

SazCat · 19/02/2022 00:42

It took 7 months for me to conceive my first.
My second, we'd been trying for about a year when my sister told me they were starting to TTC. She got pregnant the first month, the same month I had a very early MC at 6 wks.
Although I felt sad, I was still really happy for her and I actually caught again the very next month.
So we now have babies that are just 2 months apart (would've been 1 month but hers were early, she had twins!}
I know it's easier said than done, but I'd just try and relax, it's really not been that long.

shrodingersvaccine · 19/02/2022 00:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

NorthSouthcatlady · 19/02/2022 01:02

Not sure why OP needs “therapy” for wanting to conceive but not. NEWSFLASH; it won’t ultimately change her feelings about peers or family mindlessly having children all over the shop Confused: People want, what they want

Bromse · 19/02/2022 01:02

From the thread title I thought you were going to say many or all of your friends were pregnant :-).

I'm sorry it is hard for you at the moment, many people who are trying and hoping to conceive but don't, feel as you do. It will pass eventually. Don't let your friend know how you feel, it could easily have been the other way round. Try to think of other things and enjoy your life.

I do hope you are successful soon; if there is no medical problem, there's no reason why you will not have a baby. Some people take
a bit longer than others, it's just the way it is.

Good luck.

Original poster
wanttobeehappy · 19/02/2022 01:09

I acknowledge my poor grammar in the title! But actually a LOT of my not as close friends/people I know/colleagues are pregnant or have just had babies so it really is very sort of in my face all
The time and I think having such a close friend conceive with ease has tipped me over the edge.

OP posts:
BeckonCall · 19/02/2022 01:25

Your feelings are totally reasonable. The way you'll 'get past' them or feel able to be normal around your friend is if you acknowledge the emotions and process them a bit, don't squash them down. Do you have any friends you can talk to about how you're feeling?

Catra · 19/02/2022 01:35

My best friend TTC for 5 years, went through 4 rounds of IVF, and finally got conceived after using a donor egg. During that time pretty much everyone close to her had a baby. I thought she might find it hard to be genuinely happy for them, but she said to me: Do my friends' pregnancies make it any less likely that I'll get pregnant? If my friends struggled to get pregnant would that somehow make me more fertile? Of course not.

viques · 19/02/2022 01:36

Please stop putting pressure on yourself. It takes two, and unless your has already had an assessment of his sperm quantity, quality and mobility you have no idea which one of you is slowing up the process.

elliejjtiny · 19/02/2022 01:39

I understand. It took me a year to get pregnant with dc1, then I became one of those annoying super fertile people and conceived my youngest while on the pill.

SuziLikeSuziQ · 19/02/2022 01:45

It's perfectly understandable to feel this way. It took us 20 months to get pregnant the first time (ended in mc). Possibly the worst 20 months of my life, as every month was another kick. Then another 5 months to get pregnant again, and fortunately that pregnancy was successful. I was 36.

Allow time to feel sorry for yourself each cycle. Don't try and dismiss it or cover it up. Have a good cry and then focus on the month ahead.

I did everything to help conceive in the last 9 months or so of ttc. I had a moonstone bracelet, drank 8 glasses of water every day, used preseed, tracked bbt and ovulation religiously. I was on fertility vitamins, had blood tests done, DH had a sperm test, I drank raspberry leaf tea, no caffeine, lost 10% of my body weight (i was overweight). Every month I'd add something else, I was so desperate. The month I successfully conceived I also took baby aspirin from ovulation to positive test, on advice from a doctor - make of that what you will.

If you haven't tried acupuncture, that would be the one thing I will attribute my successful conception and pregnancy to. Okay, could be a placebo affect, but whatever! My acupuncturist helped me heal after our loss (even just mentally as she let me talk cry and listened, but I'm sure physically as well) and I'm convinced helped the second time. Just make sure they are properly accredited/ registered. She also continued through my pregnancy (she was qualified to do this and had done it many times before) as I was terrified of another mc. If we ever decided to have another, I'd go back to her first!

Lots of un-Mumsnetty hugs, and sending you, and others on this thread, all the good wishes I can. I hope there is a happy ending for you, I really do.

bluebird3 · 19/02/2022 01:56

It's totally ok to feel that way! Ttc is so hard when it takes longer than expected. We had fertility problems and had been trying for 2.5 years, and had just gone through my 2nd round of IVF which was a positive but I then miscarried at 6w. I was actively miscarrying when my sister called to tell
me she was pregnant - it was a honeymoon baby so first time trying. I was devastated.

I went on to get pregnant naturally a year later at 32 and am now 36w pregnant with my 2nd. You definitely have time!

The stats I saw were 80% of couples will get pregnant in 1 year of ttc, 90% in 2 years of ttc. At 7m it's gutting but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong. I hope you fall pregnant soon. Thanks

FedUpOfLighteningCrotch · 19/02/2022 02:01

I know the feeling OP. It took us 7/8 cycles before we got pregnant for both my pregnancies and I remember when my friend announced she was accidentally pregnant (was even on the pill religiously!). I just sank, I was really happy for her.. but at the same time I just thought how is that fair.

The only thing is, is that I found being jealous was more exhausting and was putting more stress on TTC for us - and that DF wasn’t pregnant to be malicious to me. So I buried the jealousy a bit and I felt a lot better for it. It was still sort of their, but I tried not to dwell on it and it did help with my own feelings x

snowdropsanddaffodils · 19/02/2022 02:03

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YABU you've been trying 7 months not 7 years - if you can't be happy for your very best friend then I'm sorry you need to have a hard look at yourself

oakleaffy · 19/02/2022 02:09

@wanttobeehappy
It does seem very ''Unfair'' that some conceive with consummate ease ...and others struggle.
But, ''That's life'' and life absolutely isn't fair.
At all.

Acknowledging your jealousy is good, whenever I've felt jealous, it has helped to admit it to myself...and sometimes {But not always} the friend, too.
Being young helps conception.. Maybe she is 22 , but then, you could be 22 as well.

I'm sure your time will come. Best of luck !

TheOriginalEmu · 19/02/2022 02:09

@wanttobeehappy

I don’t have any issues with her telling me so early on btw. I think tell people whenever you want. I just am struggling with my feelings
I hope your time comes soon. It’s ok to feel sad and envious, you clearly care about her or you wouldn’t feel bad for feeling sad about it. ♥️
oakleaffy · 19/02/2022 02:10

7 months to be fair is hardly long!

oakleaffy · 19/02/2022 02:18

@AladdinPrincess999

Okay please don't think I'm crazy because you literally try anything to get pregnant lol. I did this and caught my eldest!!
You make 'Eldest' sound like a Squirrel, catching him or her with a handful of nuts 😂
MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 19/02/2022 02:27

Since people are saying what they did, after my laproscopy we carried on with the opk sticks and the clearblue, temp taking to time around ovulation etc and nothing. The first month we gave the sperm meets egg plan a go did the trick. Sex every other day in the run up to ovulation, and extra sex come ovulation time is basically the jist but there's more specifics online.

Jellybellywellysmelly · 19/02/2022 02:35

I lost a friend because I didn’t have difficulty ttc and she had lots of difficulties. I was so sad about it. I don’t think my upset compared to what she was going through. I still feel sad about it and many years have passed but I just had to accept it. Not sure what my point is. Maybe that it’s understandable and normal to feel upset, angry and jealous

blessings2022 · 19/02/2022 02:45

@boyblue

Don't assume she's been honest.Almost everyone I know who had trouble getting pregnant pretended otherwise to even close mates
Why would people do this?