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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends pregnant and I’m not happy for her

285 replies

wanttobeehappy · 18/02/2022 22:38

I know IABU but I need somewhere to vent I guess.

We’ve been TTC properly for 7 months, POS constantly to track ovulation, DTD on all the right days etc.

Friend decided three weeks ago to TTC, and today announced she’s pregnant.

I feel awful but I’m not happy for her. I feel consumed by jealousy. Every month I am so disappointed and it feels so unfair 😞 I want to be happy for her but I’m getting intrusive thoughts and I hate it. I just feel like it should be my turn.

What can I do to get past this and be happy for my lovely friend?

OP posts:
BeeDavis · 19/02/2022 07:27

I mean, yeah it’s early to share the news but does it really matter? It’s not like the pregnancy is guaranteed if you keep quiet about it until 12 weeks. We need to normalise being able to share pregnancy news at any stage!

SamanthaVimes · 19/02/2022 07:30

I really feel you with this. You know your friend isn’t being insensitive and isn’t wrong to be excited but it’s so hard to hear when you want to have that news to share yourself.
It took us about a year and a half to conceive DD1 and to be honest it sent me a bit mental. Every time I got a period I was so upset, I just couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working. I ended up having some talking therapy to process my feelings about it all, best money I’ve ever spent.

I’m pregnant now with DC2 who wasn’t planned (although we’re very happy about it) and we literally had sex once. If that had been my experience with DD1 I’d have no appreciation for how awful it is when you TTC and it doesn’t work quickly and how emotional it is.

I know everyone says try for a year before you worry but in my head I didn’t really believe it would take that long before I’d be pregnant. My expectations were so off which I think made it worse.

I’d really recommend talking to someone about how you feel. Just letting the feelings and disappointment out might really help.

PolkaSpace · 19/02/2022 07:35

Oh OP it's brutal. I was in a similar position with my sister. You have to allow yourself those "ugly" feelings. Get them out in private. Then try and remember baby's aren't rationed like that and her getting pregnant so easily doesn't affect your chances. It's so bloody tough though so my love to you.

T00Ts · 19/02/2022 07:38

@Phrenologistsfinger

She’s very annoying, YANBU.
What? No she’s not.

She doesn’t l know OP is trying to conceive.

She’s just told her close friend about a positive pregnancy test, I doubt she’s actually announced it to the world.
She’s done nothing wrong. At all.

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/02/2022 07:45

I was your age when I started TTC DC1. Normal periods, no health issues.

I had been on the pill for donkeys before though.

It took me about 10 months to conceive. I remember the crushing disappointment each month and the underlying fear that I was infertile.

However, I conceived DC2 and DC3 pretty much straight away each time.

I somehow wonder if my body was so used to not being able to conceive due to the hormonal tablets that it just took a while to normalise itself and crank up?

I would also suggest a chat with your GP. It can't hurt.

Peonies94 · 19/02/2022 07:49

Totally understand how you feel! Just know it’s normal to feel this way! Until you’ve tried for a long time yourself you don’t understand how it can make you feel! Been ttc over a year (I understand this isn’t long to some who have tried for years) however I feel like this when I hear people announce, even on social media! It’s so difficult when it’s someone close to you! Sending you best wishes thst your time will come soon! Give yourself some time to process! I’m the same as you, I have really open friends and I haven’t told anyone we are ttc, i always get asked when I’m having one and just feel like crying each time!

Mumoblue · 19/02/2022 07:50

It does suck. When I was TTC it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant. A young woman I worked with found out she was pregnant just after I had my second MC, and I found that quite difficult at the time. I kept having to remind myself that they weren’t getting pregnant at me and that them being pregnant didn’t take away anything from me.

Try looking into some mindfulness techniques or meditations you can do when you’re feeling overwhelmed by it. It’s important to try and have a way to deal with those negative feelings, because they ultimately just harm you and you should be kind to yourself when you’re going through a tough time conceiving.

Roselilly36 · 19/02/2022 07:51

Totally normal feelings OP. Your friend is just doing what a best friend would do in telling you, she doesn’t know you are TTC so she isn’t being insensitive. Just keep going OP, you will get there, sometimes it just takes a bit of time Flowers

Sassbott · 19/02/2022 07:52

OP I fell pregnant with my eldest super fast. Tbh my best friend realised something was up when I refused a glass of champers.

A few things. Firstly, I understand you say you’re private but this is your closest friend correct? Have you considered telling her what you’re going through? I’m only asking because you yourself acknowledge that she would have been a lot more sensitive had she known your situation. Not knowing, I can imagine she will be as excited as a toddler at Easter collecting chocs wanting to share everything about this with you. Which will be agony for you. I dunno, it could end up really damaging the friendship and making you deeply upset every time you see her. Which would be awful.

Re the age? 32 is not at all old. If you go private at this stage they will do bloods/ scans. They will want to check your ovaries/ hormone levels etc. It will be heaps quicker than the NHS. They will also check your DP/H to rule out any issues with him. (I’ll add as an aside, it is entirely possible that it is not your body letting you down). They also offer counselling/ recommend acupuncture etc which helps manage the stress/ relax.

Hugs. The way you’ve described your friend she hasn’t got an nasty intent in her body. But it’s equally understandable why this is so upsetting for you. Flowers

Tilltheend99 · 19/02/2022 07:52

It’s normal to feel stressed out when others are conceiving and you aren’t but

It actually takes most couples up to a year to conceive.

The constant checking ovulation etc can be helpful but equally the stress you are putting on yourself could be hampering things at this point.

Do everything you can to be kind to yourself and feel relaxed. TAKE A BREAK from TC. It’s not a myth that people often fall pregnant when they stop formally trying, the lack of stress makes the biggest difference. Take a mini hol or go on a night out with old friends.

Try to be supportive of your friend even though you feel disappointed and jealous. She is very early in her pregnancy and (I don’t want to scare you but) having a baby is more than just the initial conception. She may still go through a hard journey to fingers crossed have a baby at the end of nine months so please try to be supportive. But good luck to you op Flowers

Caterinasballerinas · 19/02/2022 07:52

I think you need to tell her. You are thrilled for her, you’ve been TTC for a while now so you want her to know there’s a tinge of sadness for you that it’s not happened yet.

SnowD · 19/02/2022 07:55

@wanttobeehappy

scrumptious I’m 32 nearly 33, I’m panicking I’ve left it too late and it’s all my fault Sad
No, you've not left it too late. Early 30s is average and a good time to start trying.
Dolphinnoises · 19/02/2022 07:59

My GP practice refers you after 6 months TTC if you’re over 30. Nothing to stop you making an appointment…

WeddingHangover · 19/02/2022 08:00

Not unreasonable to feel unhappy. I’m sure you love your friend, but this is just a reaction because of how you are feeling. Try to compartmentalise your feelings for her and your feelings of the situation.💐

MuppetsRus · 19/02/2022 08:04

Not the point of the post OP but I thought I'd share my experience. POS didn't work for me! I was actually ovulating later than the stick suggested...15 months of trying with POS. I got pregnant the second month of trying by tracking ovulation by taking temperature. I remember how hard it is month after month to get that negative result 💐

Starwreck · 19/02/2022 08:10

Yanbu for how you feel, you're human and can't help how you feel. I would bare in mind though that just as you haven't shared TTC details she might have done the same, and tested the waters by mentioning it a few weeks ago before announcing (she might have found out a few weeks ago and didn't want it to come out of the blue etc). Or she may have just been fortunate, as you acknowlege if she had known about you trying she would have been more sensitive.

Make sure you put in place firewalls to protect yourself and if you feel able to perhaps gently mention it to her which might explain why you pull back on some stuff? Tricky balance of not being unsupportive and protecting yourself but I'm sure if you're close friends you'll find it.

Catconfusion · 19/02/2022 08:12

Bless you, it’s so hard. If you can tell your friend what you’re going through I’m sure she’ll understand if you need to distance yourself. It might be easier to send her a message. Your feelings are totally normal. Even though you are relatively early on ttc it’s still very stressful doing all the tracking and pos.

What I will say is pregnancy can be very tough. I myself had 5 miscarriages over the course of three years. We also had my son in that time. I’m now having a baby girl. Oh my goodness it’s been tough. Before I was pregnant with my son I thought getting pregnant would make me happy. Instead I was petrified of losing it, have severe vomiting and then mobility problems as baby was extremely big. Don’t get me wrong I’m so grateful to be in this position. It’s just a difficult process.

Your friend will probably need support, especially if there are complications. If you feel it’s too hard to be that person it might be worth telling her now what you’re going through so she can understand.

Wishing you all the baby dust in the world. Hoping your time comes soon. You never know what lies around the corner. Look how quickly your friend got pregnant. No reason that can’t happen to you. You never know, you might end up with babies close in age.

I found when I gave in to the uncertainty of it all it happened for me. We’re in our 40s so much older than you so try not to worry about age. Definitely try and get the fertility tests done though for piece of mind. Good luck! Xx

user7643789 · 19/02/2022 08:16

But if you are worried go to.GP and tell him its been a year and get started on the testing.

Please don't advise lying to the NHS to get tested.

NashvilleQueen · 19/02/2022 08:22

In being supportive to the OP I don't think it's on to start being mean to her friend nor any other woman who has a different experience. You are fully entitled to feel how you feel and it's totally understandable. But you said yourself that you've not shared the full details of your attempts to conceive with her so how's she supposed to be aware of the sensitivity?

The OP who said something along the lines of 'ah well she might lose it' should have a word with themselves. Also don't most people tell their closest friend at the beginning? I know I certainly did.

I wish you nothing but success OP but equally if the friendship matters to you then try and find a way to reconcile how you feel with her news.

Chickychickydodah · 19/02/2022 08:23

Share up your struggles with her if she is a close friend. I had 9 years of trying with pcos, Clomid,operations etc. it is heartbreaking but you need to share with someone or it will consume you.
Btw I got my baby in the end so don’t give up 💐

Gillyx · 19/02/2022 08:26

I think that it’s natural to be disappointed or jealous of your friend, but we are all on different paths and it’s important to be happy for her as well. You know that you have found this hard, and it’s nice to think that your friend might not have to go through all of this. Similarly, she may have a difficult pregnancy, secondary infertility or other challenges. I listened to a podcast that said something along the lines of ‘there isn’t a finite number of babies, if someone else is pregnant it has no effect on your pregnancy chances’ which is helpful to remember. Then it doesn’t feel as unfair because she hasn’t taken anything from you, you can both have what you want. I’m sending you lots of love and hoping it happens for you soon x

Kinsters · 19/02/2022 08:30

Tell her what you're going through, I always find it helps talking about things with someone you're close to x

NoNameNoGane · 19/02/2022 08:31

OP I have been on the other side of this and really hope that you and your friend work through it better than we did.

There are 9 long months ahead. If you don't conceive during that time the resentment will likely build up month after month and I don't believe this will go unnoticed by your friend. The best thing you can do for your friendship is to have an honest conversation now. If you leave it longer your friend will be devastated that she has said / done more and more things that hurt you as her pregnancy progresses.

I realised at around 4 months that my pregnancy (and my constant open sharing) was really hurting my closest friend. This soured my pregnancy and ruined our friendship for over a year (until she found out that she was pregnant). I suffered PND and a large part of that was feeling like my closest friend hated me for being a mother (she didn't hate me, but that is how I felt).

I knew that she was TTC for a couple of months before I fell pregnant but didn't know how anxious she was. I needed fertility treatment to conceive and it worked the first time, so I was over the moon. She felt that there was something wrong ttc but is very private so I had no idea.

In terms of TTC - if you think that there is something wrong please speak to a professional about it. Likelihood is that there isn't and knowing that will help put your mind at ease / relieve the stress you are feeling. There might be something that you need a tiny bit if help with, the sooner you get that help the sooner you will be pregnant! Or there may be something unfortunate that you need to face and work around, again the sooner you know what you're dealing with the sooner you can deal with it.
Our nearest fertility clinic has a monthly evening that couples can attend to have a tour and a private chat with an expert about their concerns TTC. We booked into one of these and it changed our lives. I urge you to find out if there's anything similar in your area.

I really wish you and your friend all the best. Things are fine between me and my friend now but we'll never be as close as we were. Our DC are a year apart in age and it is wonderful, but I know we both feel a sadness that we didn't support each other when we both needed it most x

Duracellbunnywannabe · 19/02/2022 08:32

@WheelieBinPrincess

Blimey, she’s sharing that early Shock
I wish I had shared news of my first pregnancy earlier. It would have made it easier to seek support when I did miscarry.

OP I entirely understand why you are finding it difficult.

RebeccaCloud9 · 19/02/2022 08:35

Can you talk to her honestly about what you are going through? She sounds like is a good, close friend and I'm sure she would be supportive and also more sensitive about what she shares with you IF she knows.

I remember banging on to a close colleague about how nervous I was when Pg because it was a shock/surprise. Didn't know she was struggling to conceive. I felt like such an idiot later but I just didn't know!