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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you allow best man's newborn at wedding

957 replies

questionofthedaywedding · 18/02/2022 15:29

If your best man would be father to a 1-2 month old new born on your wedding day, would you allow the newborn at the wedding, when it's generally a no children wedding ?

Is that being harsh to best man and his wife, who'll presumably only come if newborn can come?

Asking for a friend situation.

OP posts:
HogDogKetchup · 21/02/2022 13:21

@Castlequeen

A breastfeeding mother would have little choice but to not attend. It's the parents, and moreover, the mum, who would have to deal with an unsettled bub at the event. Generally speaking, no kids, doesn't mean no babies. Obviously there needs to be a 'cut off' somewhere but many people don't want children at weddings because a) they are distracting, b) require paid meals, c) don't have a relationship with the bride and groom, d) may add too much cost etc. A baby need be no issue with any of these.
Precisely. I felt really upset that I was excluded from DH’s friends wedding. We have some mutual friends who I get on well with and would have liked to have caught up with. DH said I would sit out of the vows etc if that made them more comfortable and it was a hotel so would have been easy for me to find a quiet corner if baby was upset. When you’ve just given birth and are feeling a bit delicate it’s a horrible feeling basically being told you’re not welcome.
PlntLady · 21/02/2022 13:23

We had a friend in this exact situation. The wedding was at the hotel venue. Her parents came and hung out in the hotel with the baby (it had a cafe, pool and gardens). No only was the husband best man, the wife was the only bridesmaid and the baby was exclusively breast fed. The bridesmaid time feeding around the ceremony and pumped for extra just in case. Worked out really well for all parties.

CorneliusVetch · 21/02/2022 13:42

@HogDogKetchup you weren’t “Excluded’ any more than any one else who was unable to attend for any reason. Im sorry you were upset but emotive language like that doesn’t help.

That wedding was a lot more important to the bride and groom than it was to you presumably, so I’m not sure why you think your feelings about the day are more important than theirs? I’ve been at several weddings where a fractious baby has been a nightmare and you’re asking them to take that risk with their wedding. It’s really selfish.

Pigeonpocket · 21/02/2022 14:30

a fractious baby has been a nightmare

And this isn't emotive language? Why is a baby making a bit of noise a nightmare? It's not like the baby is accusing the groom of having an affair or something that might actually be a nightmare on a wedding day.

Of course breastfeeding mothers are being excluded from weddings if their baby is not invited. That means essentially the mum is not invited too. It's not the same as being invited but unable to go because you've already booked a holiday or something. The couple getting married could allow a baby in order for their family/friend to be able to attend but they're choosing not to. Sure it's their wedding, but isn't the point of having a wedding with guests to have your loved ones with you? If having a baby making a bit of a fuss is more important to them than having you attend, then yeah, it feels like an exclusion.

PleasantBirthday · 21/02/2022 14:56

Is the problem with babies potentially crying that the ceremony is being videoed? I can't see why it would be much of an issue otherwise.

CorneliusVetch · 21/02/2022 15:42

@Pigeonpocket

a fractious baby has been a nightmare

And this isn't emotive language? Why is a baby making a bit of noise a nightmare? It's not like the baby is accusing the groom of having an affair or something that might actually be a nightmare on a wedding day.

Of course breastfeeding mothers are being excluded from weddings if their baby is not invited. That means essentially the mum is not invited too. It's not the same as being invited but unable to go because you've already booked a holiday or something. The couple getting married could allow a baby in order for their family/friend to be able to attend but they're choosing not to. Sure it's their wedding, but isn't the point of having a wedding with guests to have your loved ones with you? If having a baby making a bit of a fuss is more important to them than having you attend, then yeah, it feels like an exclusion.

Not being able to accept an invitation on the terms offered isn’t an exclusion. Are teachers “excluded” from weekday weddings?

I don’t think the fact that hotdog had some mutual friends with her DH’s friends that were getting married qualifies her as a “loved one”. She doesn’t even say she was upset to miss out on seeing them get married, just that she wanted to catch up with some guests there that she knew. The best man situation from the OP is different as presumably they are very close.

Honestly if you had been at the weddings I am thinking of when a baby has caused disruption, and you would still say someone is selfish for not wanting that on their wedding day so someone they don’t sound all that close to doesn’t feel “excluded”, then I don’t think you have very much respect at all for the bride and groom and the fact it’s an important day to them. That’s fine, I know on MN some take the view of so what it’s only a wedding. I disagree. It’s an important day and not unreasonable for the couple getting married to want it to go well, and not risk having a baby crying through their vows.

I had children at my wedding. My choice. I respect other people may make another choice for their wedding day, and have in fact missed weddings when I had a baby I couldn’t take. But someone else’s wedding day isn’t about me.

CorneliusVetch · 21/02/2022 15:43

*so someone they don’t sound all that close to doesn’t feel excluded. Weird word order, sorry.

AntiEntitlement · 21/02/2022 15:50

First off, everyone seems to be assuming she is breastfeeding, maybe this is not the case, but if she is, there are some really great products called breast pumps that have been available for a few years, now (eye-roll here). I don't see anything wrong with this couple wanting their special day to be everything THEY want, and are paying for. Babies fuss and cry, even if the new mother gets up and leaves the room, it still creates a stir. Why should they have to worry about this at their ceremony? The best man, should be understanding of this and not make it about him and his wife as new parents rather than his friend's milestone in his/her life. If he's making about him, they should find a new best man.

HogDogKetchup · 21/02/2022 16:28

[quote CorneliusVetch]@HogDogKetchup you weren’t “Excluded’ any more than any one else who was unable to attend for any reason. Im sorry you were upset but emotive language like that doesn’t help.

That wedding was a lot more important to the bride and groom than it was to you presumably, so I’m not sure why you think your feelings about the day are more important than theirs? I’ve been at several weddings where a fractious baby has been a nightmare and you’re asking them to take that risk with their wedding. It’s really selfish.[/quote]
Well no, but by the same token they asked my husband to do a reading, so he felt obliged to go where he perhaps would have chosen to stay home with his post partum wife and toddler. They made him a part of the day whilst excluding me. I couldn’t have left my three week old who’d had a tongue tie snipped and so we hadn’t perfected breastfeeding let alone bottle feeding.

I felt if I was to be told I shouldn’t go they shouldn’t have made my husband an integral part of the day.

Clearly the wedding was more important to the bride but that doesn’t alter the fact I think they behaved badly.

Poppins2016 · 21/02/2022 16:32

@AntiEntitlement

First off, everyone seems to be assuming she is breastfeeding, maybe this is not the case, but if she is, there are some really great products called breast pumps that have been available for a few years, now (eye-roll here). I don't see anything wrong with this couple wanting their special day to be everything THEY want, and are paying for. Babies fuss and cry, even if the new mother gets up and leaves the room, it still creates a stir. Why should they have to worry about this at their ceremony? The best man, should be understanding of this and not make it about him and his wife as new parents rather than his friend's milestone in his/her life. If he's making about him, they should find a new best man.
Some women don't produce anything when they pump. Some babies don't accept bottles.

Some people (women or men) don't want to leave their newborns for the best part of a day (regardless of how they're fed).

You could turn the statement around and say that the couple getting married are making it all about themselves and not being considerate of the other couples milestone. I've often read (on MN) about how someone had a child free wedding and insisted that people left their babies, then felt guilty years later when they personally realised how hard it was to do that as a parent.

HogDogKetchup · 21/02/2022 16:37

Even if you can pump - who wants to take care of a newborn that is only really happy with their Mother? I have absolutely nobody who would have wanted my 3 week old and even if they did, I wouldn’t have felt it was fair to leave him distressed.

Sexnotgender · 21/02/2022 17:26

@HogDogKetchup

Even if you can pump - who wants to take care of a newborn that is only really happy with their Mother? I have absolutely nobody who would have wanted my 3 week old and even if they did, I wouldn’t have felt it was fair to leave him distressed.
Exactly! Imagine thinking it was ok to ask a new mother to do that.

And pumping doesn’t work for everyone. It certainly doesn’t for me. Plus the recommendations are not to pump until feeding is established around 6 weeks.

Lilcaz88 · 21/02/2022 18:38

The best man and his wife sound way too good for these people. What a narcissistic, entitled bride and groom!

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 18:49

@AntiEntitlement

First off, everyone seems to be assuming she is breastfeeding, maybe this is not the case, but if she is, there are some really great products called breast pumps that have been available for a few years, now (eye-roll here). I don't see anything wrong with this couple wanting their special day to be everything THEY want, and are paying for. Babies fuss and cry, even if the new mother gets up and leaves the room, it still creates a stir. Why should they have to worry about this at their ceremony? The best man, should be understanding of this and not make it about him and his wife as new parents rather than his friend's milestone in his/her life. If he's making about him, they should find a new best man.
Eye roll

It might not have come to your attention, not everyone can use breast pinups, not every breastfed baby takes a baby.

It's really not difficult to understand all that, maybe read more so you're not so Ill educated about breast feeding.

You've made yourself like a sarcastic, misinformed person. I expect a bin set of people have eye rilled at your comment.

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 19:03

Pumps and bottles! Damn autocorrect!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 21/02/2022 19:06

People this precious about a new born attending their wedding are going to be a nightmare if they have kids themselves, you can guarantee they will think everyone thinks their pnb is as wonderful as they do and will be shocked if they were told no babies at a wedding

Run quickly now !

Xyyxxx · 21/02/2022 19:13

Ditto

Opus17 · 21/02/2022 19:34

Op must be the bride since she hasn't come back

SecretSpAD · 21/02/2022 19:51

@Opus17

Op must be the bride since she hasn't come back
If she is, can you blame her? She's been called all sorts for daring to want her own wedding day to be the day that she and her husband to be wants and has planned for. Who knew that a random baby of a best man (who is actually replaceable) would be more important on a wedding day than the actual bride and groom? Wow.
HogDogKetchup · 21/02/2022 20:03

Nobody has said that.

The Brides importance doesn’t invalidate everyone else’s feelings though.

If it did and everyone had a shit time it would be a shit wedding. Weddings are about everyone enjoying themselves.

SecretSpAD · 21/02/2022 20:37

The Brides importance doesn’t invalidate everyone else’s feelings though

The bride and groom, both of them, are the important people in a wedding. These days they are probably the ones stumping up the cash as well. So whilst other people are allowed their feelings, the actual wishes of the bride and groom, are paramount and must be respected. If someone decides that their feelings and wishes are more important than the actual people who this day is about, then not only are they startlingly selfish and self absorbed, but they are really really not deserving of an invitation to be part of this couples celebration.

HogDogKetchup · 21/02/2022 21:11

@SecretSpAD

The Brides importance doesn’t invalidate everyone else’s feelings though

The bride and groom, both of them, are the important people in a wedding. These days they are probably the ones stumping up the cash as well. So whilst other people are allowed their feelings, the actual wishes of the bride and groom, are paramount and must be respected. If someone decides that their feelings and wishes are more important than the actual people who this day is about, then not only are they startlingly selfish and self absorbed, but they are really really not deserving of an invitation to be part of this couples celebration.

Nobody has suggested that anyone who is dissatisfied turns up anyway and starts a newborn sit in.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/02/2022 21:28

@HogDogKetchup

Nobody has said that.

The Brides importance doesn’t invalidate everyone else’s feelings though.

If it did and everyone had a shit time it would be a shit wedding. Weddings are about everyone enjoying themselves.

IME more than a small number are more about FOG, and a certain amount of power manoeuvring goes on around those circumstances because it's the one day B&G get to call the shots and some of them very much want to make the most of it.

These include the ones whose families (who are not paying) try to dictate events, or the PA bride who invites all friends in a particular group leaving just one out, as detailed on a previous thread this week, or the B&G who make circumstances impossible for some of the guests to attend, then throw a strop and end the friendship. Sometimes it's a friendship of decades.

Eloping was a decision we've never regretted. If we could turn the clock back we'd do the same thing again.

Cold-light-of-day fact: Your wedding is not as important to anyone else as it is to you.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/02/2022 21:30

^ 'You' in my PP above is meant in a generic sense, not as a response to that particular poster. I'm agreeing with them, just more cynical about how common a phenomenon 'shit' weddings are when the all-too-frequent power plays kick in.

Brooke321 · 21/02/2022 21:46

I actually had this happen to me. My son was going to be 7 weeks old and my husband was the best man in his cousin's wedding. The wedding took place over a full day in NYC. We live 1 1/2 hours away. We also had a toddler. The plan was to get a hotel suite, have a sitter come with us to stay in the hotel with the toddler but bring the newborn since I was nursing. This also gave me flexibility to leave if needed due to a fussy baby or toddler. Gave the bride a heads up to the entire plan explaining that I would definitely leave if the baby even whimpered and was told "No, I'm sorry but the venue is very expensive and I don't want the baby to break anything". I decoded to stay home and my husband went alone but didn't spend the night -drove home after. Needless to say I have hated that woman ever since.