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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:

DiddyHeck · 18/02/2022 12:51

YANBU, my DC worked their way through uni and had very little help from me and DH.

Imdonna · 18/02/2022 12:52

I assume your dh will also be left a sustainable amount, that will take pressure off you?

I agree with your dh tbh. And I would say, since it's his mum he gets more of a say than you do.

19lottie82 · 18/02/2022 12:52

Hmm I think you’re still expected to make the allocated parental contribution! After that they can pay for extras themselves.

If I could afford it I wouldn’t like to see them whittle the money away when it could be used towards a house, it’s hard enough to get on the ladder as it is.

Trolleedollee · 18/02/2022 12:53

I totally agree with your husband. If you can afford to pay I think it would make far more sense for you to do so and to advise them to invest their money for a property. My children have a similar amount and it didn’t occur to me that it would be used for university

DockOTheBay · 18/02/2022 12:53

100k is more than enough to fund university AND a deposit for a house, especially if you're still planning to pay their rent.

PleasantBirthday · 18/02/2022 12:53

Not sure. I don't think it should be all or nothing. Perhaps if you can fund your younger one for the amount of time you've funded your older one (so if you've paid for one year for one, do the same for the other) and then half fund them both? That would ease the burden but also leave them substantially well off in terms of being able to get a home.

Theunamedcat · 18/02/2022 12:53

They can declare that they are leaving home self funding and will get more of a loan

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2022 12:54

I’m with you OP
You still can help them a bit but they should at least be paying their own tuition or pay for DD2 the amount you have already paid for DD1 but then tell them both to use their own money after that

DockOTheBay · 18/02/2022 12:54

Also they could get a job to pay for other living costs.

Duntelchaig · 18/02/2022 12:54

He probably feels more emotional about the money as it’s his mother that died. Your DDs may have their own views on what to do with their money. If your children can never get on the property ladder because university wiped them out would that be ok with you? Or would you prefer they left uni without graduating to avoid the debt and got jobs straight away as they can buy their own home sooner? These are just some different scenarios. In a perfect world, perhaps they would offer to go halves and you can step back anyway.

CatherinedeBourgh · 18/02/2022 12:54

I think you are, as if their gp had died just 3 years later they would not have paid for this, would you have expected them to pay you back?

Was it left for a particular purpose, in which case you wouldn't have the option of using it for whatever you wanted, or was it left unrestricted?

RedskyThisNight · 18/02/2022 12:55

I agree with your DH. If his mother had not passed away you would have given them money for university, so this is not "extra" money you have to find. It would be different if you were really struggling to find it (but not getting this impression).

Also, presumably the child already at university has already been funded by you for at least one year. As a minimum you should fund the other one equally.

LovelyQuiche · 18/02/2022 12:55

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default. I get that it’s expensive but the child needs to put a stake in their own future by at least funding some of it themselves.
I’m with you op. Your children need to pay for some of their education since it’s a choice not a right

FourTeaFallOut · 18/02/2022 12:56

Will your dd2 feel your dd1 got a better deal of things by being supported by you during her first year/s at uni and having more inheritance to access in the future?

I don't think that there's anything wrong with them supporting themselves in this situation but wouldn't want to sow resentment with unequal treatment.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 12:57

The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Yanbu, what he is saying is that he expects YOU to keep paying for the dc to go to uni.

Put your foot down, OP. Say you will be cutting your contribution when the inheritance hits their banks and if DH wants to up it he does it from his own money,

He is a twat.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 18/02/2022 12:57

Ours are only 10&8, but we fully expect the healthy (not extreme, will probably be around the 15,000) mark Bank accounts we and their grandparents are building for them to be a good part of the "parental contribution". Thats why we are doing it, a bit of a leg up at 18. They've had some inheritance go into those accounts too.

FudgeSundae · 18/02/2022 12:57

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong, but I am probably more on the side of your DH. £100k is an amazing house deposit, and it’d be really sad to erode it unless they have to. Also do you think they’d be more likely to spend recklessly and waste it if it was for uni spending vs Don’t touch it, it’s for a house?

DockOTheBay · 18/02/2022 12:57

@LovelyQuiche

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default. I get that it’s expensive but the child needs to put a stake in their own future by at least funding some of it themselves. I’m with you op. Your children need to pay for some of their education since it’s a choice not a right

I do agree with this. If they can't afford to go to university without significant parent help maybe they should save up for a few years before going, or choose an alternative route.

Gizacluethen · 18/02/2022 12:57

I think you shouldn't change what you were doing because of the inheritance. If they were living at home ypu wouldn't be taking a monthly amount out of it to pay for their upkeep.

MelaniaFlump · 18/02/2022 12:58

I’m with your DH (assuming you’re not bankrupting yourselves paying for uni).

If you just deduct the money from what you’re giving DD the effect is as if the money had been left to you and not her- you benefit, she stays the same. I imagine that, if your late MIL had wanted that outcome, she’d have left the money to your DH.

PleasantBirthday · 18/02/2022 12:58

@LovelyQuiche

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default. I get that it’s expensive but the child needs to put a stake in their own future by at least funding some of it themselves. I’m with you op. Your children need to pay for some of their education since it’s a choice not a right

Well, from my personal point of view I will pay for my child's university education because I will insist that she take a third level qualification. She is not near that point yet, but we're treating it as the default, just like we're expecting her to progress from primary to secondary school. Technically, she will be an adult by that time and it will be her own choice, but since it's my very strong opinion that it's the right thing to do, I will expect to need to find the money.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 18/02/2022 13:00

If this was me, as I was planning to fund uni if they hadn’t got the inheritance, I’d want to still do so.

Imdonna · 18/02/2022 13:02

This doesn't make sense. You didn't know she was going to die. So you expect to be working full time and helping them both.

You want to go part time, but how were you going to do that had she not died?

sunflowerdaisyrose · 18/02/2022 13:03

If your husband has also been left some money I'd pay for them. If not, and the inheritance has skipped him and gone straight to your children, I wouldn't.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:04

@Imdonna

This doesn't make sense. You didn't know she was going to die. So you expect to be working full time and helping them both.

You want to go part time, but how were you going to do that had she not died?

Why shouldn't OP go part time? She is not obliged to pay for her kids to go to uni, lots of people do it themselves.

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