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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 18/02/2022 13:21

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default

The parental contribution is a default! Parents, right back including in the days of grants, were expected to make up the difference between maximum grant/list and actual,amount awarded (based on parental income)

I think parents should pay their assessed contribution, not pass it on to their DC.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:21

And what would have happened if MIL hadn’t passed away?

Maybe OP would continue to work herself ragged.

Or maybe OP goes part time and dc get bigger loans.

LolaSmiles · 18/02/2022 13:22

The inheritance is a boon, so that OP no longer works herself ragged as the primary earner, and the dc can go to uni without incurring significant debt.

The inheritance was generously given to the grandchildren by their grandparent, presumably because the grandparent wanted to set their grandchildren up into adult life, rather than to facilitate their parents going part time.

Inheritqnce isn't a convenient way for children's parents to think "ooh great, I was paying parental contributions to my children's education but I'd actually much rather go part time".

OP said herself that she thinks her and DH would have benefited from the cash injection of inheritance and there's some negative feelings about it going to grandchildren. Very interesting that someone feeling bitter about a grandparent supporting their grandchildren, who wanted the cash for themselves, might start thinking of ways to ensure their life benefits from their children's inheritance.

Doggoo · 18/02/2022 13:24

Why don’t you encourage your kids to get a job and pay their own way in uni. Then the inheritance doesn’t get used and you don’t have to pay it either.

They’re in incredibly privileged positions, with a large inheritance and well of parents who have been paying their way. It would do them the world of good to now start understanding the value of money and earning their own.

moose62 · 18/02/2022 13:24

I paid for my two childrens rent at Uni as they were both doing 4 year degrees where the university had requested that they didn't have jobs on the side due to the amount of hours/work expected of them. This cost me roughly £40,000 in total and I struggled financially to manage during those years. If my children had a major inheritance I would have expected that they offer to at least meet me half way!

FudgeSundae · 18/02/2022 13:24

There isn’t a rule that parents actually have to contribute anything!
I mean, there’s not a LAW, but it literally says “expected parental contribution” so it is expected and it’s not unreasonable for students to expect that support.

LittleGwyneth · 18/02/2022 13:24

Surely there's a compromise here? They could each retrain £75 or £50K and put £25 or 50 towards their education. You could help them invest the portion which doesn't go on university in a decent ISA so in five or so years it will hopefully have made them a bit of money, and it's a reasonable deposit on a small place.

Bear in mind that if they're buying in London or the South East they'll have to wait a while to be able to buy if doing so alone because even with 100K, getting a mortgage for the rest of the price of the house will hinge on them earning enough, and they're unlikely to do so in the early stage of their career.

I would say it's important that the money isn't used on running costs though. Something solid like three years of university tuition is fine, but slowly spending it on hair cuts, rent payments, text books, nights out, car insurance etc isn't ideal.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 18/02/2022 13:24

Or maybe OP goes part time and dc get bigger loans

If your parents earn above a certain threshold, you can’t just ask for a bigger loan. There is only a certain amount of loan available to you. The expectation of the government is that the parents made up the shortfall.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:25

The inheritance was generously given to the grandchildren by their grandparent, presumably because the grandparent wanted to set their grandchildren up into adult life, rather than to facilitate their parents going part time.

OP isn't spending the money on household bills, the money will pay towards dc's education.

Imdonna · 18/02/2022 13:26

@Arabellla

And what would have happened if MIL hadn’t passed away?

Maybe OP would continue to work herself ragged.

Or maybe OP goes part time and dc get bigger loans.

Op could go part time and them get a bigger loan anyway.

If her going part time doesn't improve year loan amount, she is earning alot of money. In which case, this really all shouldn't be an issue.

Op was prepared to continue working to help. She didn't refuse to.

And as people keep telling you, its not that easy for parents to absolve themselves of responsibility or for students to just work their way through.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:26

@ShallWeTalkAboutBruno

Or maybe OP goes part time and dc get bigger loans

If your parents earn above a certain threshold, you can’t just ask for a bigger loan. There is only a certain amount of loan available to you. The expectation of the government is that the parents made up the shortfall.

Well if OP goes part time she may be below the threshold,
MintMe · 18/02/2022 13:26

I'm one of those 'didn't get any help from my parents' so maybe I'm biased, but I'd feel a bit of a dick taking £££'s off my parents every month if I had £100k in the bank, especially if it was impacting their health/wellbeing/way of life.

TravellingFrom · 18/02/2022 13:26

At the very least, that money should be invested and whatever is earnt can be used by the dcs whilst at uni.

Aderyn21 · 18/02/2022 13:26

At the very least I'd want that inheritance put away for a deposit and not just left for the kids to spend as they see fit - the OP might have kids who'd let her pay their rent while they blow £40 on a new car. Paying their expenses is only reasonable if they absolutely guarantee their inheritance will be used for a house.

FudgeSundae · 18/02/2022 13:27

@Doggoo

Why don’t you encourage your kids to get a job and pay their own way in uni. Then the inheritance doesn’t get used and you don’t have to pay it either.

They’re in incredibly privileged positions, with a large inheritance and well of parents who have been paying their way. It would do them the world of good to now start understanding the value of money and earning their own.

See my calculation upthread… they’d have to work at least 2.5 days per week just to make up the shortfall in contribution. Not something I’d want to do on a full time course!
Luredbyapomegranate · 18/02/2022 13:27

Broadly, I agree W your DH, you were planning to fund college anyway, and I suspect their GM would expect the money to be used for property.

However it would be reasonable that they’d use it for education if you couldn’t afford to fund it. So, if your job is destroying your health then it’s fair enough you step back and they use SOME of the money for college - perhaps 20k.

Work out a potential plan w your DP - 70k saved for deposit, 20k education, 10k for travelling - where does it all go to max interest.

And then put it to the kids, obviously they can do what they want, but if you as grownups suggest a plan there’s a good chance they’ll go with it.

Aderyn21 · 18/02/2022 13:27

40k that should say

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:27

And as people keep telling you, its not that easy for parents to absolve themselves of responsibility or for students to just work their way through.

You're not the arbiter of what is and isn't parents' responsibility for their adult dc. How many times do you need to be told?

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:28

@MintMe

I'm one of those 'didn't get any help from my parents' so maybe I'm biased, but I'd feel a bit of a dick taking £££'s off my parents every month if I had £100k in the bank, especially if it was impacting their health/wellbeing/way of life.
Exactly.
Aweefatcat · 18/02/2022 13:29

I’m actually feeling a bit sorry for the OP here: but probably coloured by the fact that I had no parental support though uni (my parents lived on the breadline: they would have helped if they could)

Could the children use their £100k to buy a cheap flat either to rent out or live in while they are at uni? Even if you top up their mortgage payments or use an interest only mortgage until they are earning?

CayrolBaaaskin · 18/02/2022 13:29

@LovelyQuiche - you are obliged to support your children in full time education until they are 25. We should judge parents who fail to provide maintenance to their university age children as poorly as we judge parents who fail to maintenance for children under 18.

TravellingFrom · 18/02/2022 13:29

Btw I can see his point.
My worry would be that the dcs would then spend that very quickly if they see it as money to spend as they please.

However, if you can’t afford it, you can’t.
There is also the fact that if the £100k is basically cash, they might well decide to use it whatever way and NOT to buy a house!

MargaretThursday · 18/02/2022 13:31

If you were planning on paying for them before the inheritance then I think you should pay for it still.
Otherwise it does look like you're trying to get the money for yourself.

I'd just be delighted that it could go to the children to buy houses, but I would have a talk with them about using it wisely and not blowing it away on little things.

RoseAndRose · 18/02/2022 13:31

@Arabellla

And as people keep telling you, its not that easy for parents to absolve themselves of responsibility or for students to just work their way through.

You're not the arbiter of what is and isn't parents' responsibility for their adult dc. How many times do you need to be told?

No, the government is, when it sets the parental contribution

I think it's wrong for parents not to make the expected contribution, but no-one is going to force them to

Scout2016 · 18/02/2022 13:32

OP, if you reduced your hours, and therefore your income, would you be expected to contribute significantly less and they could get bigger loans? Or does the inheritance mean the can't get loans?

If I had 100k, even at that age, I would not be expecting my parents to pay my rent and holidays. Not that I ever have anyway, but I get that uni costs are higher now than when I went.
But then at that age I doubt I would have bought a house either. Seems to be the idea it's either spent on uni or a house and there's no guarantee they will want to buy a house.