To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

I don’t think I could leave all my assets to my DGC and not to my DC.

I think it's wrong for parents not to make the expected contribution, but no-one is going to force them to

Because it depends on parents' life circumstances. OP needs to think about her own future / pension too.

@CrimbleCrumble1

I don’t think I could leave all my assets to my DGC and not to my DC.

It's almost as if MIL and DH together didn't want to make OP's life any easier and wanted to make sure she keeps being primary provider.

It does seem a bit funny the OP and her DH paying out for uni when the DC will probably have more in savings than they have.

The thing is you can strongly suggest they save the money for a deposit but you can't make them do it. It's their money.

I think you need to speak to the DC about it. I would contribute to my DC rent/living costs for Uni even if they had a large inheritance, but I certainly wouldn't be paying for tuition fees and I would expect them to have a part time job and work through the holidays. This was the arrangement with my parents when I went to Uni. This puts the ball in DC court about wether they want to use some of their inheritance to pay for the tuition fees and/or live off rather then working.

I'd make them use it for uni.

Your DH can work more and save for their house deposits if he so wishes.

If they have everything handed to them, chances are they'll fritter it long before there's any prospect of their buying a house.

It sounds like you and your DH were relying on this money and you’re now jealous it has gone to your DC. You shouldn’t make your DC use the inheritance for uni, that’s your job to fund as parents! And you’d have done it willingly if MIL hadn’t died! You sound so grabby and unreasonable. The only thing that needs to change here is that your DH makes an equal financial contribution.

@Arabellla

And as people keep telling you, its not that easy for parents to absolve themselves of responsibility or for students to just work their way through.

You're not the arbiter of what is and isn't parents' responsibility for their adult dc. How many times do you need to be told?

Wtf?

Who said I was an arbiter?

You need to relax. It appears you are struggling to read people's posts.

I didn't say 'parents must pay because I said so'. You even quoted where I said 'its not always that easy'. How did you extrapolate 'it's not always that easy' to "you must because i said so."

@Arabellla

I think it's wrong for parents not to make the expected contribution, but no-one is going to force them to

Because it depends on parents' life circumstances. OP needs to think about her own future / pension too.

Not really - it's set by income, as are so many government funded things. And it's a regime that's been in place for 40 years or more, so it's hardly unexpected that these costs need to be budgeted for and met.

OP was meeting them, and would have continued to do so had the death been at any other time.

Now, I don't see there's any particular need to pay more than the parental contribution (though of course many parents do, when even the full/combined amount doesn't cover costs in an expensive city) but I think it's wrong to pass a bill that is yours to someone else, and particularly not your own DC.

Your MIL wanted to give the money to her grandchildren for their benefit, not to make her DIL’s life easier.

If I left money to my grandchildren I would not expect a DIL to grab it.

It's almost as if MIL and DH together didn't want to make OP's life any easier and wanted to make sure she keeps being primary provider.

Or maybe mil knew ops stance that she gets say over finances and appears to be quite controlling when it comes to money?

Either could be true.

I agree with your DH. And with PPs saying it’s kind of like you’re finding a way to benefit from the inheritance because you’re cross it has bypassed you. Be thankful for your children’s good fortune and carry on as you were. Many parents have to work a bit longer/harder than they would have if they didn’t have kids to fund through uni - it’s part of the deal. If you are physically not up to carrying on work the way you are then pick that discussion up separately with your DH and look for a solution that doesn’t involve you unilaterally deciding what your kids’ inheritance is used for. Sounds like your inability to work at your current level may have kicked in around the same time as this inheritance made an appearance though….

There are 2 issues here.

1. Your DH not giving a shit about you
2. Fairness to your daughters.

Regarding 1) you should tell him point blank the effect working this hard etc has on your health. Unfortunately you cannot LTB or anything as you're the higher earner but really - why is he so adamant?

A lot of posters are judging you harshly because you're 'stealing' your children's inheritance but .. you're not isolated entities!

Regarding 2) As a daughter who actually LOVES my mother, and doesn't see her as some sort of ATM I would insist on using some of my inheritance. What sort of dickhead would sit back and let their mother work herself to death while they sat on 100K+?
As a parent you would share any inheritance with your kids presumably by giving them deposits. But it's fair for them to keep ALL of their deposits?

Btw... mortgages are cheap, it's the sposit that's an issue. even in London 50K would be enough to get a flat, assuming they got a job worthy of their degrees and don't schlep around doing silly things.

PP saying that they need ALL of the 100K are veing ridiculous. They're already very privileged.

Btw my parents paid for my uni fees. All of it. I'm very privileged. Yet I still feel guilty, my father took out his retirement fund, even now they want to give me money.

I'm saving, when the times comes I will help my parents out of needed. No way will I leave it to the state. Because I love them. and they have worked hard to raise me. If they want to go part-time etc... they DESERVE it!

Will your children do the same?

The point about this inheritance is that it is ‘extra’. It is over and above, and unexpected. Therefore it feels wrong to spend it on something that was already factored into family budgets - university maintenance for a first degree. It would be different if your dds wanted to e.g do a Masters, had no funding but now are able to proceed because of the inheritance- that’s an ‘over and above’ and therefore seems a reasonable use of this unexpected bonus.

If you are genuinely UNABLE to continue full time, and the dds would have to leave uni or suffer because you could no longer fund them, again the inheritance would be a good way to avert that outcome.

However, choosing to step down to part time because of the inheritance- that doesn’t feel right, because the inheritance for your dds’ benefit is now primarily benefitting you?

Perhaps investigate how much reducing your income would bring down the parental contribution, and encourage your dds to work as much as possible without compromising their degrees? Then perhaps you can all get ‘what you want’, without touching the inheritance money at all?

@Imdonna when you say it's the parents' responsibility, you make yourself the arbiter. Parents aren't forced to pay for adult dc uni fees.

Just a thought for anyone planning to leave money to grandchildren - if there’d been a clause whereby the money had been placed in trust until they were, say, 25, none of this would have been an issue!

We’re also only hearing half of the story here. For all we know, MIL knew DIL was a grabby sort and set things up like this deliberately. Hard to know!

I can honestly see both sides.

I don't think it is necessarily your job to have to find university education for adult DCs if it means that you have to work yourself to the bone in order to do so.

But the house deposit argument is also reasonably convincing.

The danger here presumably is if you continue paying for their education, the money is put by for some future house deposit but the DCs then spunk the money on cars, high living and holidays.

as I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for?

Errr......what?!

If you are genuinely UNABLE to continue full time, and the dds would have to leave uni or suffer because you could no longer fund them, again the inheritance would be a good way to avert that outcome.

OP has recognised that she is stressed and drained from her job, it could be her body telling her she is doing too much.

She should absolutely be able to go part time and let other adults in the family pick up the financial slack.

We are paying our son's tuition fees but I expect him to use savings for his day to day living costs and get a job if he wants more.

He doesn't have an inheritance but we were able to add to savings for him because I had an inheritance.

I do pay extras for him eg I renewed his athletics club subscription for him yesterday and paid for it, but day to day, he can pay for himself as the money is there.

There is also another pot which will go towards a house deposit.

If they've inherited that much they could do both - pay for uni and have money for a deposit?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

No it’s their inheritance. I agree with your DH.

Your line - ‘ we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs’ makes it sounds like you begrudge them this - didn’t you realise when you had DC they what want to do Uni? We all have to contribute and to be honest we struggle to pay the rents etc but we do it because it’s what is expected of us as parents when supporting our DC.

The parental contribution for uni is exactly that - a contribution to be paid by the parents. Some parents do refuse to pay it, but lets be honest, they're the shitty ones (and it's set at a means tested level, so its not about affordability).

The grandparent left money to the grandchildren to benefit them, not to let their parents off their commitments or so they could fund their mother to work part time. If she's wanted the inheritance to benefit OP, she'd have left it directly to her.

I would be carrying on as before, because I had not received an inheritance, and I wouldn't expect to benefit from someone else's inheritance (with the exception of DH since we fully share finances).

Honestly OP, you must see that its not OK for you to push one of your bills onto your children just because they have an inheritance for their futures. What next, expecting them to pay your mortgage?

@Foolsrule

Just a thought for anyone planning to leave money to grandchildren - if there’d been a clause whereby the money had been placed in trust until they were, say, 25, none of this would have been an issue!

We’re also only hearing half of the story here. For all we know, MIL knew DIL was a grabby sort and set things up like this deliberately. Hard to know!

Yes because women who work in stressful and draining front line jobs as primary earners are gold diggers.

[quote Arabellla]@Imdonna when you say it's the parents' responsibility, you make yourself the arbiter. Parents aren't forced to pay for adult dc uni fees.[/quote]
No it doesn't. Because I dont have ultimate authority in the issue. I could say parents have to pay, but that wouldn't mean they actually had to. Because I dont make the decision for all parents nor did I pretend to.

And look at the actual bit you quoted. Where does it say 'it's the parents responsibility' I said 'its not that easy to absolve themselves of it'.

As I said, you seem to not be reading the posts you have responded too.