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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Theluggage15 · 18/02/2022 13:04

So you’re taking some of their inheritance then?

CrimbleCrumble1 · 18/02/2022 13:04

Will they be able to access their money straight away after probate has been issued or will be locked away in a trust or something like that?
Would they get the full maintenance loan if you changed to a less stressful job?
I think I’m with you OP but it is a tricky one.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:04

@sunflowerdaisyrose

If your husband has also been left some money I'd pay for them. If not, and the inheritance has skipped him and gone straight to your children, I wouldn't.
But that money needs to be family money in that case, not his.
Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:05

@Theluggage15

So you’re taking some of their inheritance then?
No, they're adults spending their inheritance on their own education. OP doesn't get a penny.
JaninaDuszejko · 18/02/2022 13:05

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default

It is the default. The SLC takes the parental household income into account when determining the living expenses part of the student loan. So if you have a household income of > £60K then your children only get half the living expenses part of the loan that someone from a low income family would get. This is more generous than the previous grant system, a student from a high income family would get no grant back in the 80s.

Hankunamatata · 18/02/2022 13:06

But unfair on dd2 as she is going to have to spend more of her inheritance than dd1. I would talk to both girls and suggest they invest at least 50k each in longer term investment.

Theluggage15 · 18/02/2022 13:07

No she’s taking some of their inheritance. I really don’t get these parents who seem to want to wash their hands of all financial matters as soon as their children turn 18. Just sound so resentful of having children at all.

Piggy42 · 18/02/2022 13:07

If you go part time will you children be able to access more loans?

Original poster
trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 13:07

Thanks guys - quite mixed responses.

I completely agree about making sure dd2 gets what dd1 has already had, will definitely do that. I don't agree that dh gets more of a say as it's his mother as I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for?

The thing is, I must admit I am a tiny bit miffed that dh (and his siblings) have been passed over and it's all going to the gc. I KNOW it's none of my business, but it does sting a bit. We have never had any financial help from mil (not saying we should have, but just clarifying) and dh's siblings are both better off than us and (probably) don't need it/wouldn't benefit from a cash injection, which we most definitely would.

As for houses, not sure that the girls are thinking that way at the moment in any case - I get the sense this money could well be frittered a bit if they don't get some advice and maybe paying for stuff would make them more responsible? Not mentioned this to them yet as a plan so don't know their views.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 18/02/2022 13:07

The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.
This sounds awfully like you view your children's inheritance as a way to reduce your work hours, in effect transferring the benefit of the inheritance to you.

I'd understand with not giving them large allowances for lots of extras given they have an inheritance, but to take an opportunity their grandparents has given them, change the goalposts, and tell them they should spend it on living costs because you'd rather work part time seems a bit unreasonable to me.

Imdonna · 18/02/2022 13:09

@arabella not sure you read my comment. She wants to go part time. My question was what was her plan to do that, before her mil died.

Op isn't obliged to help, but the vast majority of parents do, because finance is based on parents income.

Also if this inheritence is family money, if he dh has got some and she gets a say. Surely he gets a say about her going part time and reducing the families income. Especially, since it would be his mothers money that funded it.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2022 13:09

I’d be telling him he’s wrong. So he expects you to stay working full time, earning more than him to fund the girls? Tell him that makes up for his smaller contributions. I think he’s being outrageous. Do the girls work? If not, why not?

It seems very normal in the US to work through Uni to pay for it. I worked, I had to, my parents gave me sod all, so given I wanted to do a degree, fair play that I partly self-funded (my rent was paid via my grant, yes, I’m old!)

Imdonna · 18/02/2022 13:11

I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for?

What? You get more of a say in all monetary decisions because you earn more?

FredBair · 18/02/2022 13:11

A few things here.

Firstly if they are under age it may well be put in trustuntil a certain age. Not sure it would be the best use of trust funds when their parents could afford to support them.

If you went part time then your income would drop and they would get more student loan.
If your income is still high enough to wipe out their student loan then you are well off.

Secondly yes it's a lot but it would be such a big start to life for them that it's a shame to throw it at uni fees when they don't have to.

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default. I get that it’s expensive but the child needs to put a stake in their own future by at least funding some of it themselves.
This is a regular on MN usually from people who got no help from their own parents and somehow resent it when others do. Similar to house deposits.
I got nothing from my parents, in fact I supported them when I was 18. My DC can have everything I can afford. They got student loans but we topped them up to the maximum and paid a chunk towards house deposits and both are very financially savvy.

Spidey66 · 18/02/2022 13:11

Can you compromise by giving them half for university costs and half for house deposit?

ManicPixie · 18/02/2022 13:11

YABU

Aderyn21 · 18/02/2022 13:11

I'm more with the OP - i think she should contribute what is comfortable but not overstretch and pay for everything as if the inheritance didn't exist. It's not right for your husband to get more of a say because the money came from his mother, since what you are paying is coming primarily from your extra work.
100k is a great house deposit, but so is 80k and that 20k spent from the inheritance could be the difference between the OP working herself into the ground or having a job she can comfortably cope with!

Stressedout1009 · 18/02/2022 13:12

What would be the plan if the inheritance didn't come through? I think a portion should be set aside for university and the rest for a house deposit. I disagree that you have more of a say because you are the higher earner.

FudgeSundae · 18/02/2022 13:12

@LovelyQuiche

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default. I get that it’s expensive but the child needs to put a stake in their own future by at least funding some of it themselves. I’m with you op. Your children need to pay for some of their education since it’s a choice not a right
Well the “obsession” is that funding for the student is based on the parents’ income and a parental contribution is carved out. So A whose parents earn a lot can’t borrow via student loans as much as B whose parents don’t own much because the system expects a contribution, regardless of whether the parents actually contribute.

For most children, funding the difference themselves is unrealistic. The difference between the smallest and largest maintenance loan per means testing is over £6k, meaning an 18-20 year old on minimum wage of £6.56 would need to work over 900 hours or 17 hours a week. Not very realistic on a full time course, especially if coming home in the holidays.

SalsaLove · 18/02/2022 13:12

Of course you should help them. That was always your intention, and it’s unfair for them to now be told that they now have to take on the expense.

gogohm · 18/02/2022 13:12

I would support the younger child to the same level as the older child out of fairness

Hshuznw · 18/02/2022 13:13

Honestly OP, sounds like you are finding ways to benefit for this inheritance. YABU

Oblomov22 · 18/02/2022 13:13

I agree with Dh actually. Presumably you spoke to uni ds's re maintenance loan, how much they'd get, how much you'd contribute, if they'd need to take a job, before.

This was before the inheritance. I would want the inheritance used for say house deposit. If they needed to borrow, then repay from inheritance pot whilst at uni, then that's a benefit.

Hshuznw · 18/02/2022 13:14

*benefit from

And I say that because this inheritance was never part of the plan for uni and you admit you’re bitter your DC got it instead of you.

DSGR · 18/02/2022 13:14

I’m with your DH, it will seem downright mean to say they’re on their own just because they got an inheritance.
If it was me I’d be telling them I will continue to pay BUT they have to save at least £90K each for a house deposit. I wouldn’t want to be paying for then only for then to fritter away £100K!!