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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
pinkprettyroses · 18/02/2022 13:46

I think I'm with your DH.
If you were intending on paying for their uni and have the funds to do so- I'd definitely leave the money for them for housing in the future, it's exceptionally hard to buy property for young people these days.

Twicklette · 18/02/2022 13:47

@Imdonna

I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for?

What? You get more of a say in all monetary decisions because you earn more?

This seems very unfair and a total contradiction of the advice given to women on Mumsnet. I thought the MN mantra was all money should be family money. It would appear that some posters think all money should be family money unless it is earned by the woman then it is her money.
Twicklette · 18/02/2022 13:48

Sorry @Imdonna. I meant to make it clear that I agree with you.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:49

@Imdonna whatever donna, your wording was 'we' keep telling you its their responsibility as if you think your opinion has the most authority.

You need to re-read what you wrote.

Theluggage15 · 18/02/2022 13:49

you keep going on about adults Arabella as if turning 18 is the only thing that matters. They are still the children of the OP, not just random adults

BobbinHood · 18/02/2022 13:50

I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for?

This feels off to me. It’s either family money or it’s not. You can’t pick and choose to suit yourself.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:50

This seems very unfair and a total contradiction of the advice given to women on Mumsnet. I thought the MN mantra was all money should be family money. It would appear that some posters think all money should be family money unless it is earned by the woman then it is her money.

No, some posters think OP shouldn't have to work herself to the bone for two now priviliged dc.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:51

@Theluggage15

you keep going on about adults Arabella as if turning 18 is the only thing that matters. They are still the children of the OP, not just random adults
But they are adults. With means. OP has raised them and done a lot for them, she should now be able to prioritise her health.
sanbeiji · 18/02/2022 13:52

@Foolsrule

Just a thought for anyone planning to leave money to grandchildren - if there’d been a clause whereby the money had been placed in trust until they were, say, 25, none of this would have been an issue!

We’re also only hearing half of the story here. For all we know, MIL knew DIL was a grabby sort and set things up like this deliberately. Hard to know!

Someone running themselves ragged to pay for DC's uni is 'grabby'? really? 100K is a lot of money. Even if the kids paid half the tuition fee they'd still have a tidy sum left. It's not 'grabby' to want to make her life easier. Also if she got an inheritance presumably it would pass to the DC. But not the other way round?

Get over yourself.

Also I don't get all the hate for 'DIL grabbing money'. You do realise that the GC could also marry, quickly divorce and lose it, right?

But nope.
The woman who birthed, raised and works hard to feed the children is 'grabby'... yep. Definitely.

If it was a 30K inheritance I agree, it's grabby. But what I don't get is the absolute insistence it's 'her role so she has to pay', when there's oodles and oodles of money, enough to do both. As a loving child, why wouldn't you want your mother to have an easier life after years of raising you?

I hope to God none of my children think like this!

SamphiretheStickerist · 18/02/2022 13:52

@Theluggage15

So you’re taking some of their inheritance then?
Huh? How do you work that out?
Blossomtoes · 18/02/2022 13:53

@DockOTheBay

100k is more than enough to fund university AND a deposit for a house, especially if you're still planning to pay their rent.
Absolutely. Unless you’re sitting on £200k in the bank, they’re better off than you are @trippinglyonthetongue. There’s plenty of money there for a house deposit and uni expenses.
Scout2016 · 18/02/2022 13:53

Presumably OP was only working as many hours as she has been, at detriment to herself, so she can give money to her children because they didn't have any money.
And now they do. So why should she continue to do so, why would her husband expect her to and why would the children accept it?

Theluggage15 · 18/02/2022 13:54

Umm read the thread

Darhon · 18/02/2022 13:55

I do agree with this. If they can't afford to go to university without significant parent help maybe they should save up for a few years before going, or choose an alternative route.

It's means tested. So under a certain parental income, you get full maintenance loan and at very low levels of parental income extra bursaries. I am in favour of this.

However, please understand, the funding system is predicated for most students on parents making a large contribution. It's based on it and assumed which is why there is a squeezed middle of students who are struggling as their parents can't actually give the top up element.

So unless you think only the very rich and the very poor can go to Uni, you are excluding most kids from going to Uni at 18 under the current system. To 'save up' from what will likely by minimum pay jobs, they will no doubt need parental support in terms of accommodation and support towards living costs so they can adequately save. They also need to be over 25 to be classed as independent or have proof they have moved out (but if they have a partner, that partner's income will be counted in the financial assessment) - so that family income is not counted.

But OP, I hear you and I would expect them to cover at least some of it - either top up for the rent or their monthly living. I am lucky that my my eldest should be finished before the next one can go.

VerveClique · 18/02/2022 13:55

In your situation I would:

Help them somewhat with uni but not totally (like PPs have said, half of that amount would be a good house deposit in most places)
When them both move out, move to a much smaller rental
Save up and then buy your own house
Then you'll be in a better position yourself and to help them long term

Acting like the money doesn't exist is ridiculous.

hellosunshineagainx · 18/02/2022 13:55

First world problems eh do I use 100k to have a debt free university experience and probably further education plus deposit on a house or do I use it for a significant large deposit on a house. What a decision to have to make

sanbeiji · 18/02/2022 13:55

@BobbinHood

I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for?

This feels off to me. It’s either family money or it’s not. You can’t pick and choose to suit yourself.

Wrong. If I was a SAHM and my DP was running himself ragged. Do I have the right to force him to continue?

What OP means is that her job is destroying her health, she should have more of a say on whether she can continue. When the opporutnity for her to step down is there.

Her DH doesn't suffer any consuqences, so of course he can get angry and happily say no you don't deserve to make your life eaiser.

Incidentally OP what does your DH do? Is he a lazy waster or is there a good reason he can't contribute more?

ImGoingOutOut · 18/02/2022 13:56

Sounds like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder over earning more than your husband? You also sound annoyed that you aren't inheriting from your mil, it's almost like you are saying well she wouldn't leave us anything so I might as well claw some back having the kids use the money for uni. I've got a funny feeling your mil might have set this up like this to avoid you inheriting her money, did you get on with her?

To me that money is for houses, not paying for uni living expenses.

thing47 · 18/02/2022 13:57

@Arabellla

This seems very unfair and a total contradiction of the advice given to women on Mumsnet. I thought the MN mantra was all money should be family money. It would appear that some posters think all money should be family money unless it is earned by the woman then it is her money.

No, some posters think OP shouldn't have to work herself to the bone for two now priviliged dc.

That is definitely a conversation OP could, and should, be having with her DH, I totally agree. He should step up a bit so she could do less and reduce her stress levels.

I'm not sure there's a direct link to the inheritance question, though. Under OP's suggestion, the main beneficiary of her MIL's inheritance would be the OP – I doubt that's what her MIL intended!

Cantgetgoing · 18/02/2022 13:57

Mumsnet is another planet sometimes 😐 I wouldn't want my mum working herself to the bone to fund me whilst I sat on 100K. Why can't the students get a loan for tuition and whatever maintenance they can and they either OP can just top up (hopefully not £££) or they get a job?
Most people I know had a part time job / were a bit skint!
I managed to fund myself through uni, masters AND buy a house at 25 without an inheritance!! And before anyone jumps in, that was in 2019 so not long ago!

Mrstwiddle · 18/02/2022 13:57

I can’t imagine leaving money to grandchildren rather than my children, that just seems so bizarre. I agree with the OP re self-funding.

Imdonna · 18/02/2022 13:58

[quote Arabellla]@Imdonna whatever donna, your wording was 'we' keep telling you its their responsibility as if you think your opinion has the most authority.

You need to re-read what you wrote.[/quote]
Except that's not what I said.

I said people keep telling you why it's not that easy to just absolve yourself of it or for the student to work through their degree.

Again, either you can't be arsed to read people's posts, but I still getting all irate over them. Or you don't understand the posts.

DetailMouse · 18/02/2022 13:58

I'd expect DC to work in holidays etc to contribute to their living costs, but I'd still see supporting them in FT education as the parents' role.

I agree with DH. If you couldn't help and it was spend the inheritance or not go to uni, that would would different but as you'd always expected to pay, the money should be for a house purchase when they're ready.

The only problem there is I'm not sure if DS2 would have anything left by the time he needed to buy a house. Is there anything to prevent them frittering it?

sanbeiji · 18/02/2022 13:59

@Scout2016

Presumably OP was only working as many hours as she has been, at detriment to herself, so she can give money to her children because they didn't have any money. And now they do. So why should she continue to do so, why would her husband expect her to and why would the children accept it?
@Scout2016 oh god you deserve a medal. You put it so succintly. Why are so many people ignoring this. And attacking OP for being greedy????

Of COURSE if they had no choice, she would work that many hours.

But now they have the money - why should she?

Carrying on as though the money doesn't exist is stupid. Basically PP are saying if they had 100K and their mother was working very hard, they'd happily let her.

I'm saddened and disgusted by the entitlement, and lack of appreciation for parents

Anonymouseposter · 18/02/2022 13:59

I am inclined to agree with OP's husband. I am assuming that he is also working full time but his job is less well paid. If I am wrong and he isn't working full time then he needs to
The grandparent left the girls this money to help them get a good start in adult life, not so the parents could reduce the amount spent on them.
OP is coming over a bit selfish, most people would prefer to give their children a good start than to reduce their working hours at this stage of life.