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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Aderyn21 · 18/02/2022 13:14

Also fees aren't paid directly - everyone gets the loan for the fees regard of parental income snd this is paid back via increase in graduate taxation. What we're talking about here is the maintenance loan, for normal living expenses - I don't think it's unreasonable for parents to pay some snd for kids to contribute if they have the means, which these kids clearly do.

DSGR · 18/02/2022 13:14

Them not then

RoseAndRose · 18/02/2022 13:14

You should still pay the expected parental contribution.

But you need not go beyond that

Hshuznw · 18/02/2022 13:14

@Imdonna

I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for?

What? You get more of a say in all monetary decisions because you earn more?

I know, I’m stunned at this. Thought it’s meant to be family money…
Theluggage15 · 18/02/2022 13:15

What do you mean by ‘giving them’ Spidey? It’s their money.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/02/2022 13:15

My DD works part time to help fund uni, could yours not do that and then use just a bit of the inheritance?

CrimbleCrumble1 · 18/02/2022 13:15

Putting the inheritance thing to the side for a moment, could you DH step up his earning and you go part time?

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 18/02/2022 13:16

@PleasantBirthday have you looked at what it costs maintenance wise to send your child to uni based on your household income?

Obviously how much parents contribute depends on 2 things, willingness and ability. For us too we hoped the children would go to uni. Ds1 is in his first year. Due to our household income he gets the minimum loan of £4422 his rent is £6335.

If we top Ds up to the maximum loan level of £9488 we are expected to pay £5066 per year by the government. Luckily we didn't have twins. This is why a lot of us feel that when children start secondary school these costs should be spelled out to parents. Dh and I both went to uni so were prepared and saved up.

@trippinglyonthetongue I do feel like they can fund themselves and still have a substantial deposit to put down on a future property. No point skinting yourself if they have money they can use to pay for themselves. Lots of students have jobs to help fund uni.

RomainingCalm · 18/02/2022 13:16

It sounds from your post as if the estate is being divided between the DGC but that DH will not inherit anything?

If that's the case then I am guessing that the money will go to the girls and actually you may have very little say in how they spend their money unless.

It feels as if you all need to sit down and talk about the inheritance and how it might be spent/invested. I agree with the PP that it doesn't have to be 'all or nothing' - could a large chunk be invested for a future house deposit, an amount put aside for university living expenses (with DD2 being funded to the same extent as DD1) and a pot of money for them to have fun with, buy a car or buy something to remember DMIL?

At that age I would expect DDs to recognise and appreciate that their parents are spending a considerable amount of money on putting them through university and that actually even a small contribution from them towards their living costs would make a difference to you and DH.

It would be a good time to work with your DDs to help them to make some sensible financial decisions at what is probably quite an emotional time. There are so many posts on here where inheritance causes arguments and fallouts between family members - I would work really hard to avoid that happening.

SilenceOfThePrams · 18/02/2022 13:17

@PleasantBirthday “ Well, from my personal point of view I will pay for my child's university education because I will insist that she take a third level qualification. She is not near that point yet, but we're treating it as the default, just like we're expecting her to progress from primary to secondary school. Technically, she will be an adult by that time and it will be her own choice, but since it's my very strong opinion that it's the right thing to do, I will expect to need to find the money.”

Please don’t try to insist if she’s adamant it’s not for her. Of course tertiary education is a good thing. But you sound like my parents and I wouldn’t wish your daughter to end up suicidal as a desperately unhappy first year student who knew uni wasn’t the right choice but who believed there was no other alternative. Encourage by all means but make sure alternatives are ok too. Offer to fund it later. Some people really really need that break from academics at 18.

saraclara · 18/02/2022 13:17

This sounds awfully like you view your children's inheritance as a way to reduce your work hours, in effect transferring the benefit of the inheritance to you.

Exactly that. She left the money to benefit her GCs, not you. And uni wouldn't have entered into it if the timing of her death hadn't been what it was.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 13:17

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default

I agree. People are losing sight of the fact that the dc are now adults, they can get loans to cover their tuition and living expenses.

The inheritance is a boon, so that OP no longer works herself ragged as the primary earner, and the dc can go to uni without incurring significant debt.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 18/02/2022 13:18

The thing is, I must admit I am a tiny bit miffed that dh (and his siblings) have been passed over and it's all going to the gc. I KNOW it's none of my business, but it does sting a bit. We have never had any financial help from mil (not saying we should have, but just clarifying) and dh's siblings are both better off than us and (probably) don't need it/wouldn't benefit from a cash injection, which we most definitely would

You resent your children having the money and would rather have it yourself?

Aderyn21 · 18/02/2022 13:18

It is family money, but is it fair to ask one parent to take on extra work to pay for something the other parent sees as a priority, when there is no essential need to do so because money is available to take the edge off? And would still leave a huge chunk for a deposit?

PleasantBirthday · 18/02/2022 13:18

i have you looked at what it costs maintenance wise to send your child to uni based on your household income?

Well, I'm in Ireland so none of that really applies, honestly, I don't even really understand what it means. Like most kids in third level here, she'll probably live at home and commute (we do live in Dublin so that's pretty feasible anyway), we'll pay for everything, just as we do with her in school and our parents did when we were that age.

Scout2016 · 18/02/2022 13:18

If their uni education isn't worth them spending their money on, then why should you spend yours on it?
And rent and holidays?

Hshuznw · 18/02/2022 13:19

@Arabellla

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default

I agree. People are losing sight of the fact that the dc are now adults, they can get loans to cover their tuition and living expenses.

The inheritance is a boon, so that OP no longer works herself ragged as the primary earner, and the dc can go to uni without incurring significant debt.

And what would have happened if MIL hadn’t passed away?
ManicPixie · 18/02/2022 13:19

@Arabellla

I don’t get this obsession with paying for children’s uni from some people, like it’s the default

I agree. People are losing sight of the fact that the dc are now adults, they can get loans to cover their tuition and living expenses.

The inheritance is a boon, so that OP no longer works herself ragged as the primary earner, and the dc can go to uni without incurring significant debt.

Uni and house prices are now way more expensive in real terms than back in the day, so it’s not surprising that parents sharing the burden has become the norm.
CrimbleCrumble1 · 18/02/2022 13:19

I agree. People are losing sight of the fact that the dc are now adults, they can get loans to cover their tuition and living expenses how can they, or any students whose parents earn a decent amount? There’s likely to be a massive shortfall.

Imdonna · 18/02/2022 13:19

Just imagining the reposnse if op came and said

'my mum died and left 100k to each of our kids. Since we didn't get any DH has decided that we can't help the kids out with uni anymore and he is going part time now we won't have to pay for them. He also says its extremely unfair we didn't inherit as we could do with the money and is quite bitter about it. He won't listen when I have said, I want to still help them and leave that money alone. He says he gets more of a say over family finances as he earns more. He also said I don't get anymore of a say, even though it was my mums inhertence'.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 18/02/2022 13:20

I agree. People are losing sight of the fact that the dc are now adults, they can get loans to cover their tuition and living expenses

I don’t think people realise that if the student’s parents earn a certain amount, the parents are expected to fund part of it. The loan available to them reflects that.

Hshuznw · 18/02/2022 13:20

@ShallWeTalkAboutBruno

The thing is, I must admit I am a tiny bit miffed that dh (and his siblings) have been passed over and it's all going to the gc. I KNOW it's none of my business, but it does sting a bit. We have never had any financial help from mil (not saying we should have, but just clarifying) and dh's siblings are both better off than us and (probably) don't need it/wouldn't benefit from a cash injection, which we most definitely would

You resent your children having the money and would rather have it yourself?

This. And by expecting DC to use it to pay for something she was paying for anyway, she is keeping it for herself.
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2022 13:20

@19lottie82

Hmm I think you’re still expected to make the allocated parental contribution! After that they can pay for extras themselves.

If I could afford it I wouldn’t like to see them whittle the money away when it could be used towards a house, it’s hard enough to get on the ladder as it is.

There isn’t a rule that parents actually have to contribute anything!
Toomanyradishes · 18/02/2022 13:20

Children arent demanding their parents pay for uni, the government are. If the loan a student can take is dictated by a parents income their is an expectation the parent contributes towards the student. Its not the students fault and if you are complaining about the youth of today not doing it how you did I assume you also actively protested the increase in tutiton fees etc

(Op that wasnt aimed at you)

Op I think you are being unfair discussing it with your husband and then dictating to your children who arent actualy children in this senario. You feel like your DH is telling you how you can spend your money but you are doing the same to them

In my opinion, you entered into an agreement with dd1 when she started uni that you would contribute X amount. Now you want to unilaterally change the terms of the agreement and tell her how she has to spend her money. Thats unfair.

You could sit your daughters down, explain the senario and get their opinions on it, but as a bare minimum you should mke up their funds to the amount they would get if it wasnt based on parental contribution. Otherwise they are paying for your lifestyle essentially, which, when they have no control of your income, is unfair.

And as someone else has asked, how would you feel if by giving them this choice they decide not to do a degree/graduate. Its increasingly hard for younger people to get on the housing ladder even when they earn decent money, they may decide the benefits of owning property outweigh not having a degree.

Because you actually cant dictate they spend their money on education. You can only withdraw your money, but you dont control this situation like you think you do

I think if they had inherited before dd1 went to uni, or your personal circumstances had materially changed this would be a reasonable comversation. But i think to change the agreement part way through, after dd1 has made a commitment based on your choice to help, is unfair

2bazookas · 18/02/2022 13:20

I agree with DH. You have saved to fund DC's university and should fulfill that promise.

Their inheritance will set them up with buying a home. What a wonderful start in adult life. One you could not provide, so please don't take it away.