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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not sell my old flat?

492 replies

baconroll12 · 18/02/2022 10:41

12 years ago when I was single I bought a gorgeous old 2 bedroom flat that was a bit rundown in a not so nice area. I flatshared with my best friend (lets call her Becca) for most of the time I lived there and we tried our hand at some DIY/restoration and had the place looking incredible.

My DP and I bought a house 3 years ago and before that he lived with his parents. We're not married and we have a joint bank account that all bills come out of with our own separate savings and current accounts.

Becca and her DH split a few years ago in pretty awful circumstances and her and my goddaughter (4) moved back into my flat. The rent is the same as it was when we lived together.

My DP has become quite fixated on this flat. The run down area has now been fully gentrified and is one of the top places to live in the area. He told me that the going rate for rent is now 5 x what Becca pays. He's also looked into recently sold prices and told me what 'we' could do with the money if I sold the flat now. DP has a lot of excellent qualities but he is extremely greedy when it comes to money.

It's become a really touchy subject for us and he keeps saying that I want to keep the flat because it reminds me of my 'wild single days' and that I'm not fully committed to the relationship until I let go of the flat.

YABU- sell the flat
YANBU- keep the flat as you'll need it when you leave him (said in slight jest)

OP posts:
Plexie · 18/02/2022 10:58

YANBU- keep the flat as you'll need it when you leave him

One of my friends sold her flat when she married and moved into her husband's home. The marriage broke down after a few years and although she had the money from her flat, prices had increased so much that she couldn't afford to buy a place of her own. So definitely keep your flat!

dangerrabbit · 18/02/2022 10:59

I'd be careful marrying this guy, as he sounds like he's after your money. What would he bring to this flat sale? Does he have a flat of his own to sell?

DDIJ · 18/02/2022 10:59

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LittleGwyneth · 18/02/2022 11:02

You sound lovely. Your friend is very lucky to have you.

I would maybe consider raising the rent a little bit, in line with what she can afford but a little closer to market rent. But that's your choice, not his. He should stay the hell out of it and feel fortunate that he's in a relationship with such a good person.

Original poster
baconroll12 · 18/02/2022 11:03

@stuntbubbles

Even if you did sell it, he’s a DP not a DH – you could keep every ounce of profit and use it for your own pension and investments, or pay off your current mortgage but ring fence the money with a deed of trust. He doesn’t have to see a penny of it, so it’s not really his business.

Usually I would say YABU to have more than one property – second homes and BTLs and such are part of the housing crisis – but it sounds like selling would leave your friend far worse off and unable to afford local rents.

Tell your DP to stop talking about it otherwise you’ll sell it and give all the money to a donkey sanctuary just to annoy him.

Yes, my goddaughter is in a nursery there that she adores. It's become hipster central and there's so much to do, so many mum groups and free/cheap activities. They're very settled and otherwise wouldn't be able to afford to stay in the area.

Also LOL at the donkey sanctuary.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 18/02/2022 11:04

DP has a lot of excellent qualities but he is extremely greedy when it comes to money.

No clue what these "excellent qualities" are, but if you don't want to end up in Becca's predicament, keep the flat and ditch the partner.

At minimum, don't marry him or co-own property.

notthatonethisone · 18/02/2022 11:04

I hate to be the harbinger of doom but two things strike me

He wants to spend YOUR money. How has he figured that out? What is he like with money in general? I don't know how your finances are split but I'd be wary of this assumption.

He talks of your wild single days. I could be projecting here as I had an ex like this. (May have referred to him before on another 'controlling dp' thread...) he hated that I'd had a past. Similar to you it was mostly uneventful. But it was an almost jealousy that he hadn't picked me up in a convent. Has he made any other references to this? What's he like about exes?

But I'm in the throes of long covid so I might be making no sense...! But those two things concern me.

(You sound awesome. And I'm so glad your friend had you to turn to when she needed someone)

CrimbleCrumble1 · 18/02/2022 11:04

I wouldn’t sell it but I’d probably raise the rent a bit. I wouldn’t marry him.

Original poster
baconroll12 · 18/02/2022 11:05

@dangerrabbit

I'd be careful marrying this guy, as he sounds like he's after your money. What would he bring to this flat sale? Does he have a flat of his own to sell?
No, he lived with his parents until he was 31. He has some savings but they're none of my business.
OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 18/02/2022 11:07

I do wish you’d all stop telling @baconroll12 to raise the rent. She’s already explained that it covers the mortgage and she doesn’t want to make a profit from her friend. Her issue is her grasping partner.

OpheliaThrupps · 18/02/2022 11:08

I wouldn't say that either your attitude (to the flat and money) or his is wrong. They're both equally valid. But widely different approaches to money are often a sign that a long-term relationship won't work.

Crumbs22 · 18/02/2022 11:08

No. As the others have said the flat is yours and you do what you want with it. He has no right telling you to sell it and more disturbing still, in his head the proceeds from the sale of YOUR flat is shared with him, he is actively trying to manipulate you into selling it. I don't think I could ever trust this man whatever his other qualities maybe.

Lou98 · 18/02/2022 11:09

YANBU!

It sounds like Becca helped you renovate/redecorate etc and sounds like a good friend so I can understand not wanting to up her rent if the mortgage is covered.

Your DP is being ridiculous. Don't sell if you don't want to but even if you do - it's your money to do with as you please, it's nothing to do with him.
You keep your finances separate after bills which is for the best by the sounds of it so any money you make from the flat is yours to keep

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/02/2022 11:09

Call his bluff. Tell him your friend has doubled the rent payments into your personal account..
None of his business is it?
If he doesn't shut up then I would reconsider HIS reasons for being in a relationship with you..

AnotherPoster · 18/02/2022 11:09

Yanbu. Keep the flat. Maybe not to flee to when you leave dp (but, yes, it has that advantage too) but as a fantastic source of income and investment for the future. I wish I had kept my flat when I married. I was a bit short sighted and thought being a landlady would be too much hassle but the income it would have given me would have been life changing.

I would say though, in slight defence of your dp, charging your friend the same rent as 12 years ago, plus she now lives there alone (with child) rather than flat sharing, is at best generous of you but also a bit silly.

OpheliaThrupps · 18/02/2022 11:09

No, he lived with his parents until he was 31. He has some savings but they're none of my business.

I've got my bingo card ready - just sweating on "prince among men" Grin

Original poster
baconroll12 · 18/02/2022 11:10

@notthatonethisone

I hate to be the harbinger of doom but two things strike me

He wants to spend YOUR money. How has he figured that out? What is he like with money in general? I don't know how your finances are split but I'd be wary of this assumption.

He talks of your wild single days. I could be projecting here as I had an ex like this. (May have referred to him before on another 'controlling dp' thread...) he hated that I'd had a past. Similar to you it was mostly uneventful. But it was an almost jealousy that he hadn't picked me up in a convent. Has he made any other references to this? What's he like about exes?

But I'm in the throes of long covid so I might be making no sense...! But those two things concern me.

(You sound awesome. And I'm so glad your friend had you to turn to when she needed someone)

He's not typically stingy with things like gifts/holidays but he talks a lot about what he perceives other people to have and seems quite jealous.

Before him I only really had one sort of long term relationship and he's fine with me mentioning that, it seems he's just going for the low blow as an excuse why he thinks I should sell.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 18/02/2022 11:11

You’re a lovely friend. And dependant on how close a friendship you have with your friend I wouldn’t raise her rent in the hopes she will be able to save enough over time to put down a deposit to buy her own place.

When you re-let do it at market price.

But whatever you do with your flat I wouldn’t mention it at all to your P.

Also be careful how much of your finances you disclose to your P. He is greedy and has his eyes on your assets.

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 18/02/2022 11:11

I'd keep the flat and lose the boyfriend. He sounds really pushy and grabby. No doubt if you sell, the proceeds will go into a 'joint' account and that will be the last you'll likely see of your money (you're not married so it is 'your' money, not joint money).

Everanewbie · 18/02/2022 11:11

Hmmm. You own a house together and live together. If you have an asset that is massively under performing, then I think he has a point.

The way that you've structured things, well, its your decision. But if he's living with you and you, and you own a house together, you have at least partially joint finances.

If he had, say, a hypothetical bank account that paid little or no interest, and you pointed out to him that if you switched to another account, and it could pay you, say 6% instead of 2% (again hypothetical, please don't lecture me on interest rates, i'm well aware) and he would not move because his cousin worked at his bank and would lose her bonus, I suspect you'd be a bit miffed at essentially sacrificing money.

I'm not saying he's entirely right, as I and other posters have pointed out, its your property and your call. But IMO he has every right to be frustrated at your financial loss out of (misplaced?) loyalty.

Ragruggers · 18/02/2022 11:11

Do not sell the flat,it is yours,you are not married so the money from the rent and if you decide to sell is also yours.It is your future and a growing asset.Re the rent you can raise it online with inflation,look at the flat as your future and tell DP it is your investment nothing to do with your old life.

CallMeDaddy58 · 18/02/2022 11:12

The emotional manipulation behind the statement “you keep it because it reminds you of your wild single days” is the red flag for me. He isn’t getting you to do what he wants so he plays the “if you loved me you’d do it” card? Gross. Really gross.

BobHadBitchTits · 18/02/2022 11:12

Don't marry him. Ever.

Original poster
baconroll12 · 18/02/2022 11:13

@Everanewbie

Hmmm. You own a house together and live together. If you have an asset that is massively under performing, then I think he has a point.

The way that you've structured things, well, its your decision. But if he's living with you and you, and you own a house together, you have at least partially joint finances.

If he had, say, a hypothetical bank account that paid little or no interest, and you pointed out to him that if you switched to another account, and it could pay you, say 6% instead of 2% (again hypothetical, please don't lecture me on interest rates, i'm well aware) and he would not move because his cousin worked at his bank and would lose her bonus, I suspect you'd be a bit miffed at essentially sacrificing money.

I'm not saying he's entirely right, as I and other posters have pointed out, its your property and your call. But IMO he has every right to be frustrated at your financial loss out of (misplaced?) loyalty.

Yes I could be making more money out of the flat but the mortgage is covered so it's still an asset. Have explained elsewhere in the thread why I'm not interested in raising the rest.
OP posts:
MarchCrocus · 18/02/2022 11:13

Having a tenant you trust and who will look after the property well is a valuable asset in itself. Other tenants could be more lucrative, they'd also come with greater risk.

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