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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not sell my old flat?

492 replies

baconroll12 · 18/02/2022 10:41

12 years ago when I was single I bought a gorgeous old 2 bedroom flat that was a bit rundown in a not so nice area. I flatshared with my best friend (lets call her Becca) for most of the time I lived there and we tried our hand at some DIY/restoration and had the place looking incredible.

My DP and I bought a house 3 years ago and before that he lived with his parents. We're not married and we have a joint bank account that all bills come out of with our own separate savings and current accounts.

Becca and her DH split a few years ago in pretty awful circumstances and her and my goddaughter (4) moved back into my flat. The rent is the same as it was when we lived together.

My DP has become quite fixated on this flat. The run down area has now been fully gentrified and is one of the top places to live in the area. He told me that the going rate for rent is now 5 x what Becca pays. He's also looked into recently sold prices and told me what 'we' could do with the money if I sold the flat now. DP has a lot of excellent qualities but he is extremely greedy when it comes to money.

It's become a really touchy subject for us and he keeps saying that I want to keep the flat because it reminds me of my 'wild single days' and that I'm not fully committed to the relationship until I let go of the flat.

YABU- sell the flat
YANBU- keep the flat as you'll need it when you leave him (said in slight jest)

OP posts:
Joxster · 18/02/2022 11:57

@babyjellyfish

I didn't want to put this in my OP as I didn't know how this thread would go down but the flat is left to my goddaughter in my will.

It seems the real love story here is not you and your DP, but you and Becca and your goddaughter.

Oh yes this too. You and your friend and her daughter sound close, and lovely people. ❤️ this and hope this relationship stays strong forever regardless!
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 18/02/2022 11:57

I'm not sure if anyone has said Grin it yet but don't sell the flat! It's even more shitty of him to pressure you to sell it when he knows you've willed it to your goddaughter.

Figrollface · 18/02/2022 11:59

Do you plan on having children?
Does "let's not call her Becca" know you've left it to her daughter?

Allelbowsandtoes · 18/02/2022 12:00

Absolutely keep the flat and set the rent as you see fit! Not only does he sound greedy, but he's manipulative too - making out that you're not committed to the relationship if you don't do what he wants. Sorry, but what a petulant child.
If you need the money then do ask Becca to meet you in the middle with the rent, that seems fair. But for your partner to say you could charge her 5x more when he presumably knows what a tough time she's had, and that she's now a single mum? Sounds like he's a bit of a shit, tbh.

theleafandnotthetree · 18/02/2022 12:01

I don't like the sound if him at all. You on the other hand sound a lovely person with excellent values and a knowledge of what really matters. Sometimes lovely people, being lovely, get fucked over by not so lovely people. Don't let that be you.

wingscrow · 18/02/2022 12:02

It's your flat. Do whatever you want to do with it...

Red flag as well I would say. Think twice about marrying someone like this and combining your finances...greedy as hell and pushy. Also be very careful if you end up buying somewhere together.

I personally could respect a man with that type of mentality.

wingscrow · 18/02/2022 12:03

Sorry, posted too soon the above should read 'I could not respect a man with that type of mentality'

Totalwasteofpaper · 18/02/2022 12:03

YANBU.

Keep the flat
he 100% has his eyes on your cash.
You are doing a lovely thing that costs you nothing and both you and becca get something out of it.
You: mortgage covered and a good tenant who cares for your asset.
Her: a secure home at a reasonable rate.

That said if market rate is 2k and she’s paying £500 (or whatever) you may want to consider reviewing the rent by a negligible amount periodically (eg 2-5% per year)

EKGEMS · 18/02/2022 12:04

Keep your flat Lode the man

EKGEMS · 18/02/2022 12:04

Lose the man-sorry for typo fat fingers

forrestgreen · 18/02/2022 12:05

Keep the flat
Don't get married, without seeing a solicitor first

2DogsOnMySofa · 18/02/2022 12:08

If you can afford it and are happy to, leave Becca paying the rent she is. You're a good friend

As for your dp. He's being greedy, tell him to sod off. If you stay together it'll be a nice pension for you, but you 'may' need it to return to

ESGdance · 18/02/2022 12:08

It's become a really touchy subject for us and he keeps saying that I want to keep the flat because it reminds me of my 'wild single days' and that I'm not fully committed to the relationship until I let go of the flat.

He’s bullying you and gaslighting you.

He may have opinions on what the market rent is but it’s your choice and the end of the day.

However he is now making it contingent on the relationship - crossed a very illuminating emotional line here - shows he’s controlling, domineering and entitled. It’s not just about the money.

It’s only an ongoing issue because he has zero respect for your as a separate individual and he won’t let it lie. He believes he is entitled to run your finances and absorb them into his …. it’s an ongoing issue because he has now resorted to emotional blackmail and manipulation and veiled threats and accusations around commitment because you haven’t taken his financial advice.

Nasty. Know that.

CliveThighs · 18/02/2022 12:10

Your dp is basically asking you to get rid of an amazing asset and to evict your best friend and goddaughter because he feels entitled to do nice things with your money. That's crazy.

It's nothing to do with you holding onto your wild younger days, it's everything to do with offering your goddaughter some house security and also keeping an asset that will increase in value - rather than letting him blow the money. If that makes him grumpy then he's a twat.

NettleTea · 18/02/2022 12:10

be careful of getting pregnant, because that will be the next bit of emotional blackmail.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 18/02/2022 12:11

Yup.

He's saying all this because he thinks he can guilt and manipulate you into selling the flat and giving him the money.

Motnight · 18/02/2022 12:11

Op you sound like a great friend and landlord.

I don't understand why when you are clear that your partner's savings are non of your business he doesn't feel the same about your flat.

Flexitarian · 18/02/2022 12:14

Keep the flat ❤️

tara66 · 18/02/2022 12:14

What's yours is yours and what's his is... oh, he doesn't seem to have anything! Keep the flat for you own old age.

MazzleDazzle · 18/02/2022 12:15

It’s none of his business.

I rent out a property and it can be a ball ache and a half. You have a tenant you trust and she’s covering the mortgage. Win, win.

7 years is not a long time. I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years - very happily married, but I would never put all my eggs in one basket.

My mum always used to say ‘never trust a man’. If it all goes to shit tomorrow I can support myself and my children. That’s a position all women should be in, but sadly many aren’t.

tara66 · 18/02/2022 12:17

Also, if your single days were that ''wild'' as he says, you actually would not be able to ''remember'' them anyway. He must have led a very shelter life.

Movinghouseatlast · 18/02/2022 12:17

I have a bit of a different perspective on this. If you are a commited couple then decisions like this can be shared in my view. My partner kept his old flat for many years while we lived in a tiny house that was a bit of a pain due to its size - I loved the house but it really needed an extension which we couldn't afford. I felt our life as a couple was compromised and it led to a bit of resentment on my part. Keeping everything so separate in a partnership is pointless I think. My partner lost his job 10 years ago, and I supported him for 3 years because we are life partners who share everything. If you take separate finances to its logical conclusion then he should now owe me about 60 grand. What would I do with that that didn't include him? We have separate bank accounts but I do see his flat ( he still has it!) as partly mine, and the rent we get for it is spent by both of us- we use it to pay our mortgage.

ukborn · 18/02/2022 12:18

Doubt rent has gone up five times in three years. But hold on to it - good investment for you (ring fence it if you get married).

Thewindwhispers · 18/02/2022 12:18

I’m kinda with DH actually, I don’t see the point in owning the flat if it isn’t bringing in market rent. He isn’t being greedy he’s pointing out that this makes no sense.

You’ve been incredibly kind to Becca but you are not responsible for her and are massively subsidising her and your god-daughter, which is very kind of you if you are wealthy and mortgage free. But if you aren’t mortgage free, then you are paying interest on money to own your own house, while also subsidising Becca. Even if you are mortgage free, the money you use to subsidise Becca could be making a profit if you invested it differently.

If you’re married and have joint assets then throwing money away is annoying to your spouse.

Why not raise the rent to something nearer market value?

godmum56 · 18/02/2022 12:19

"DP has lots of excellent qualities but he's extremely greedy when it comes to money"

Wips out all the other ?excellent qualities IMO Greed of any kind is MOST unnattractive.