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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not sell my old flat?

492 replies

baconroll12 · 18/02/2022 10:41

12 years ago when I was single I bought a gorgeous old 2 bedroom flat that was a bit rundown in a not so nice area. I flatshared with my best friend (lets call her Becca) for most of the time I lived there and we tried our hand at some DIY/restoration and had the place looking incredible.

My DP and I bought a house 3 years ago and before that he lived with his parents. We're not married and we have a joint bank account that all bills come out of with our own separate savings and current accounts.

Becca and her DH split a few years ago in pretty awful circumstances and her and my goddaughter (4) moved back into my flat. The rent is the same as it was when we lived together.

My DP has become quite fixated on this flat. The run down area has now been fully gentrified and is one of the top places to live in the area. He told me that the going rate for rent is now 5 x what Becca pays. He's also looked into recently sold prices and told me what 'we' could do with the money if I sold the flat now. DP has a lot of excellent qualities but he is extremely greedy when it comes to money.

It's become a really touchy subject for us and he keeps saying that I want to keep the flat because it reminds me of my 'wild single days' and that I'm not fully committed to the relationship until I let go of the flat.

YABU- sell the flat
YANBU- keep the flat as you'll need it when you leave him (said in slight jest)

OP posts:
Saltyquiche · 19/02/2022 19:23

Tell him that the flat is your pension, a perfect buy which you are not selling. It will keep you in your old age. No further discussion to be had

ScribblingPixie · 19/02/2022 19:26

@BitterestPill

You sound incredible, your head firmly screwed on! I love that you are doing this for your friend and God daughter....absolutely fantastic....never ever knock a women for helping another woman stand tall and be proud. You know that you'll never sell the flat, greedy bollox will just have to get over himself! You rock!
Yes!
Rightyouarelove · 19/02/2022 19:29

Absolutely, under no circumstances, sell that flat or marry him. Please. Good qualities often dissipate when money and greed come together. Sorry OP that’s hard. I would have a very blunt ‘let me be absolutely clear once and for all’ conversation about the flat with him. If he doesn’t like it then you know what he’s placing his importance on.

mylifestory · 19/02/2022 19:33

whatever the circumstances never sell the flat!! it is yr pension, you will always have that income, it will always go up in value and as a rental amount. my mum wanted to do the same thing with my dad's old house bt i wdnt let her so i now run it as an extremely valuable asset and rental income. you oh is money grabbing and a bit of a weird thing for him to say if youve bought a house together etc. I assume he doesnt want to marry you either, think about it ....

Remember, NEVER SELL THE FLAT and you will thank me for it in 20 years time :-)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/02/2022 19:35

@Saltyquiche

Tell him that the flat is your pension, a perfect buy which you are not selling. It will keep you in your old age. No further discussion to be had
That's exactly why he wants it. He can't legally get his hands on her pension.
NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/02/2022 19:37

Oh, and if in the next three months, he suddenly decides to propose...be very suspicious, as the moment you agree, he'll start suggesting that the flat sale would make it possible to have the wedding and honeymoon you deserve, so best get it on the market now.

mylifestory · 19/02/2022 19:37

PS. my ex objected to me attempting to buy my neighbour's garage to increase the value and space of my house, he said he had that money (my savings) earmarked for a house deposit, then smirked and said i could of course do what i want with it as its my money. Note - he is an ex.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 19/02/2022 19:40

My opinion is that the point of money/assets is not to have the maximum possible amount of money but to use the money and assets available to you to maximise happiness and security. The OP's boyfriend and some people on this thread think that money and assets should always be used to their maximum money-generating potential.

Obviously if times are tough and you make less than you spend then, yes, monetary income should be maximised. But if, like the OP, you are secure and have enough income for your needs, then you should use your assets in a way that you want to. The OP doesn't want to sell the flat because she loves it, so she is happier not selling. Becca also loves the flat and cares for it really well, so the OP is happier than if she had a higher paying but more careless tenant. OP loves Becca and her goddaughter and if the flat didn't exist would probably be helping them in other ways, but the flat does exist so this is how the OP is helping them. That's three different forms of happiness from one, affordable, income sacrifice.

The OP is probably losing the equivalent amount of money as a package holiday to somewhere sunny every year. But helping her friend and keeping the flat that she loves is almost certainly giving her more happiness than a fortnight in a beach resort would.

Dibbydoos · 19/02/2022 19:43

Yanbu. Tell yoyr DP that the flat will continue to accrue in value and will be a great retirement fund, whether sold then or rented at the commercial rate. Your friend is looking after it for you hence lower rent. I'd do exactly what you're doing btw.

PizzaCrust · 19/02/2022 19:45

You sound like a great person.

I’m in the same boat as most of the PPs. Keep the flat. You never know what the future holds and the flat gives you a back up plan and financial security. It also benefits people you deeply care about.

It sounds like your partner is quite insecure, as well as greedy, to be honest.

Rightyouarelove · 19/02/2022 19:46

Also, you sounds amazing and so supportive of your friend and goddaughter. If only more people (and landladies) were like you. Well done OP, you have done amazing.

TurquoiseDragon · 19/02/2022 19:49

@frazzledasarock

He’s probably not bringing up the inheritance as he has absolutely no way to justify you changing your will and leaving your flat to him instead of your god-daughter without looking completely grabby.
And this is exactly why he's harping on about selling.

If you sell, and do what he wants with your money, you can't then leave the flat to the goddaughter, but he will get the benefit of the money instead. He's playing a long game.

My ex was exactly like this, and bled me dry of any money I got, including a redundancy payment.

I would take a good look at this relationship, I think his attitude towards money will get worse.

I would be very wary of your partner. Is he talking lots about what “we” could do with his savings or is it just your flat he’s focussed on?

I had that thought, too. It became noticeable that my ex was focussing on any money I had while keeping his savings for himself, and this guy sounds very like my ex.

The OP has known him at least three years and she still calles him "extremely greedy" I'd say that the4 chances of change now are slim and none.

From bitter experience, yes.

He wants the money to make home improvements but with the view that it’ll make our property worth more. And he’s never suggested using any of his savings for this.

Aha, thought so. Exactly like my ex.

I thought I loved my ex. I thought he loved me. He turned out to be an abusive dick who valued my money more than me.

OP, I've seen that you're not interested in marrying. Good for you. You are actually in a secure position, don't let him persuade you to anything with the money you're not fully onboard with.

When you stick to your guns in saying 50/50 for any renovations, I wouldn't be surprised if he drops the idea for now.

Don't bother showing him this thread. Keep this as your safe space because showing threads often backfires as the bloke just accuses us of being bitter and twisted, or words to that effect. They don't like being called out.

SueblueNZ · 19/02/2022 19:51

@Ginandtonics
You really should read the whole thread, or at least all of the OP's posts.

Chuck2015 · 19/02/2022 19:58

Keep the flat and I think you are doing the right thing regarding your friend if you can afford to keep the status quo. I’ve done the same myself over the years, renting really should be about covering a mortgage and expenses and not profiting from what is a necessity, giving someone a home. You’re obviously a v kind and loyal person.

PrinzessinCressida · 19/02/2022 19:59

OP, I have enjoyed reading how strong you are and how clear your resolve is. This is what comes from being totally financially independent, secure and an equal to the man. Bravo. I'm afraid to admit that the schadenfreude at reading about a greedy (maybe bossy, too?) man being seen and thwarted is high! Would love to hear how your conversations with him go when you continue to make it clear you're not selling the flat, no matter what bullying tactics or emotional blackmail he resorts to.

Greensmurf1 · 19/02/2022 20:02

Keep the flat.
Because of the gender pay gap, you are likely to need it as part of your pension.

If you're not married to your partner, you may not be entitled to their pension and it would be up to them to decide whether to share it.

Perhaps speak with your friend/tenant about small increases in rent to allow you to save towards improvements to your home or to over pay and reduce the mortgage further.

Speak with a financial advisor to help you understand how to structure your finances in a way that will protect your interests, and those you care about.

Perhaps do this separately from your partner since the matter of the will is not yet in the open.

Koshnique · 19/02/2022 20:02

Watch out for him going quiet on the flat and starting to talk about getting married...

GrannyRose15 · 19/02/2022 20:09

By the way this thread is worded, it sounds to me as though you are not ready to fully commit to this man.
Keep the flat by all means, it could be a life saver when your relationship breaks down. but acknowledge to yourself and him the real reason you don't want to get rid of it.

Once you are ready to commit, you will want to combine your assets in the best way for you and your family. This may mean keeping or selling the flat, but it will then be a joint decision rather than a bone of contention.

Sosigsandwich · 19/02/2022 20:09

I would absolutely keep the flat! I also think you're a really lovely friend.

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 20:15

Once you are ready to commit, you will want to combine your assets in the best way for you and your family.

That’s the boyfriend’s script. She is committed but he’s not getting his paws on her flat. The real reasons she wants to keep it are because it’s an appreciating asset, it’s housing her very good friend and god daughter (who are her family) and will belong to her goddaughter when she dies. You can be committed to and love someone and still not give them access to all your money.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/02/2022 20:21

You are a lovely person helping an old friend out like this— I would think of it as caretaking your investment and covering your costs. None of this is any of his business OP— it’s your security- if relationship goes tits up you have somewhere to go to, I certainly wouldn’t marry someone who seems a bit over invested in what you own and he sounds a bit of a reverse gold digger.

JustLyra · 19/02/2022 20:23

@GrannyRose15

By the way this thread is worded, it sounds to me as though you are not ready to fully commit to this man. Keep the flat by all means, it could be a life saver when your relationship breaks down. but acknowledge to yourself and him the real reason you don't want to get rid of it.

Once you are ready to commit, you will want to combine your assets in the best way for you and your family. This may mean keeping or selling the flat, but it will then be a joint decision rather than a bone of contention.

The OP has already decided the best way for her and her family.

Perhaps when he is ready to commit he'll be ready to respect that?

Lovepeaceandcoffee · 19/02/2022 20:25

Personal experience here. I sold my flat in similar circumstances. You have no idea how much I regret it. No longer with this person. I’m not saying it will end up like mine, but be careful. Given the chance again I definitely would NOT have sold.

ACCx · 19/02/2022 20:30

YANBU he seems greedy and plus it isn’t his flat!!!! It’s yours. You do as you please x

zxcvzxcvz · 19/02/2022 20:32

YANBU. I own another two properties over and above my joint house purchase with DP and he's never ever felt the need to mention selling them.

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