Would you also be fuming or am I being unkind ?

[justhowuseless]

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

You need to just let your ds get on with it whilst you attend your own basic needs/ get things he needs.
A few moments of crying even if hysterical isn’t going to traumatise him. Your husband sounds useless in general but you can’t begrudge him going to the toilet op.

If you’re very pregnant now op, what are you going to do when baby is here?
One of them will need to be left crying at some point.

Op you're still not explaining why poor darling DH can't get his awake arse out of bed to help you.

I don’t have any helpful advice and you’ve had loads already but I honestly despair when I read posts about how selfish a husband is with an existing DC, just knowing I’m about to read that OP is pregnant again.

OP off topic but just on the calpol thing I find suppositories amazing and they have been a game changer for us especially at nighttime. No drama trying to get them to take medicine. Mine suffered from febrile convulsions so we have always been a bit paranoid about high temperatures.
Also your DH needs a boot up the backside to do more at night.

The OPs behaviour is not sustainable, she can’t keep up this odd routine of never using a toilet or trying to imitate a statue for hours and also breast/bottle feed a new baby and settle that as necessary during the night (even if that duty is shared with DH). Even taking one child each, that’s not going to work with the expectations OP has

I agree with that. I don’t agree that waiting 2 minutes to go to the toilet, even in waiting, is remotely onerous. It’s an absolute nothing of an ask.

The OP does need support with her anxiety and I don’t think the husband just taking an immediate piss, because waah waah 2 minutes wait otherwise, when his anxious wife wants him to hold the baby is supportive. He hasn’t done it because he thinks she needs to relax around her attention to the baby. He’s done it because he wants to and seems to have an issue with the fact that as a parent you can’t just do whatever you want, hence him sleeping all night. If this was part of a concerted effort for him to try to help OP to manage her anxiety, and he had supportively explained to her when she woke him that baby is fine in the cot for a minute or two and reassured her or whatever, or if there was any evidence whatsoever he was trying to support her with this then fine. But there isn’t.

If OP had thought her baby was ok to be put down for 2 minutes without getting upset then she would have just done that while she got the calpol. He knows that. He knows she was anxious about putting the baby down, that’s the very reason she woke him. He didn’t care. And rather than discuss this, or just hold his piss for a ridiculously brief time, he did something he knew would upset her. And which made an upset child “hysterical”, which no doubt he left OP to deal with rather than deal with the consequences of his actions himself.

*on waking not in waiting

Why are you giving him calpol if he is not feverish?

2 things
1st you need to sit down and be honest with your husband and tell him how you feel. It is not unreasonable to expect him to help his child and you.
2nd you need to stop and look you reaction to your child! Not going for a wee and not getting calpol is bonkers and I think it sounds like your martyr issue over your child. If they get worse because you put them down then It's short term pain for longtime gain. Also without sounding cruel you are setting yourself and your child up for nights of restless sleep as they have got into the habit of wanting to be held!
You can stay in the room and you can soothe with noise/stroke but you really are making this hard for yourself xxx

@marykitty

Why are you giving him calpol if he is not feverish?

Yes because he seemed in pain

CorneliusVetch you are confusing support with enabling. Doing what someone wants, even though irrationally dictated by anxiety, is not support.

@minniep

OP off topic but just on the calpol thing I find suppositories amazing and they have been a game changer for us especially at nighttime. No drama trying to get them to take medicine. Mine suffered from febrile convulsions so we have always been a bit paranoid about high temperatures. Also your DH needs a boot up the backside to do more at night.

How do you get them ? Can you just buy them from a pharmacy ? I've talked to docs about the Calpol drama and they said some kids are just like that and you have to do what you have to do to get it in them.

@HoppingPavlova

CorneliusVetch you are confusing support with enabling. Doing what someone wants, even though irrationally dictated by anxiety, is not support.

Yeah which is why I said if this was taking place in the context of him trying to support OP with her anxiety that would be different. He isn’t. He just doesn’t give a shit.

OP, next time, why don’t you try the warm milk without the calpol in that situation. If he settles it gives you an indication that calpol is not really needed at these times. If he doesn’t settle then it’s justified. It’s all a process of exclusions really.

Op I just realised your child is 2. Have you ever let him cry for a little but of you Need to go to the toilet or anything similar.

I left new born to cry because I had to feel my other child. Or for things like to make myself lunch and a warm drink .

With a child being 2 there is no way I would hold on for the toilet .

How are things in the day time ?

YANBU at all. I'm currently laid under a sleeping baby desperate for a wee and a drink. But I won't move because he's ill and I'd rather be uncomfortable than DS be upset.

I see that I prioritise DS over myself, I stop eating to fill his fork or get him a drink, I lay uncomfortably. DH doesn't, he will eat while DS isn't able to get his food. He'll get himself a drink and not think that DS might also be thirsty. He'll let DS cry because he's busy. I don't get it personally.

It fucks me off when I ask him to, say, play with DS while I make dinner, so he just plonks him in his playpen and does something else so DS starts crying so Im now looking after DS and cooking while he's just doing what he wants.
He also does the pretending to be asleep listening to me struggle until I specifically ask him to do something. And he's started complaining that I'm always asking him to do stuff. I shouldn't need to ask though!

@Homeatlast2

Op I just realised your child is 2. Have you ever let him cry for a little but of you Need to go to the toilet or anything similar.

I left new born to cry because I had to feel my other child. Or for things like to make myself lunch and a warm drink .

With a child being 2 there is no way I would hold on for the toilet .

How are things in the day time ?

I let him cry all the time. I just try to avoid it when he's ill.

I've even done cry it out with him.. people are jumping to conclusions that I never leave him alone etc. He's 2 years old. I've been back at work since he was 8 months old and had nannies and grannies helping look after him.

I'm not trying to be some martyr. I just try to avoid him crying a lot when he might have croup. That's all.

At bed time sometimes he cries for a good 10-15 minutes and falls asleep after. I just try and be extra caring when he's not well, or when I suspect he's not well.

@Gizacluethen

YANBU at all. I'm currently laid under a sleeping baby desperate for a wee and a drink. But I won't move because he's ill and I'd rather be uncomfortable than DS be upset.

I see that I prioritise DS over myself, I stop eating to fill his fork or get him a drink, I lay uncomfortably. DH doesn't, he will eat while DS isn't able to get his food. He'll get himself a drink and not think that DS might also be thirsty. He'll let DS cry because he's busy. I don't get it personally.

It fucks me off when I ask him to, say, play with DS while I make dinner, so he just plonks him in his playpen and does something else so DS starts crying so Im now looking after DS and cooking while he's just doing what he wants.
He also does the pretending to be asleep listening to me struggle until I specifically ask him to do something. And he's started complaining that I'm always asking him to do stuff. I shouldn't need to ask though!

Sounds like my husband. And the complaining then leads to not even bothering to ask.

If my sons croup flares up and we end up in hospital, my husband will be a moody fucker and ruin the mood. So I try to avoid this kind of stuff by just keeping him as calm as possible when he's sick.

I find living around moody people very difficult.

There were a number of alternative options available to your husband.

1. Say ‘you stay with him, I’ll go and get the calpol’ and go to the loo en route.

1. Say ‘sure, I’ll come and hold him, just give me two minutes to go to the loo first.’

1. Wait two minutes until you got back with the milk and calpol to go to the loo.

Yes, a toddler can be left to cry. But as a parent why would you leave them to cry hysterically - when they’re ill - if you can avoid it? Particularly if that’s going to make administering medicine a lot harder?

The easiest would have been to take him down with you to get the calpol or taken him to dh instead of calling out. You are behaving like a martyr with all the it's what us mums do. No not everyone does this, go to the toilet if you need. I don't think in that very instance, that your dh did anything wrong.

@Stressedout1009

The easiest would have been to take him down with you to get the calpol or taken him to dh instead of calling out. You are behaving like a martyr with all the it's what us mums do. No not everyone does this, go to the toilet if you need. I don't think in that very instance, that your dh did anything wrong.

Literally can't carry my 2 stone two year old right now, as I have a massive bump. It would have taken ages to get him to walk downstairs and he would have started to get distracted downstairs and then would have been upset to go back upstairs and I would be even more exhausted and he would have cried even more.

It seems old fashioned
But have you ever thought of
Using a bedpan?

@haikyew

It seems old fashioned But have you ever thought of Using a bedpan?

No. I don't want to do that.

I think haikyew was joking :)

@haikyew

It seems old fashioned But have you ever thought of Using a bedpan?

Omg. Is this for real??