Would you also be fuming or am I being unkind ?

[justhowuseless]

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

@MajorCarolDanvers

Sorry your DH did nothing wrong. Child was safe and he needed to pee. Perfectly reasonable.

YABU

Well yeah but when you have a child who is ill and wants comfort and doesn’t want to be put down, waiting 2 minutes to go to the toilet till their mother gets back isn’t such a hardship, is it?

I agree it’s fine to leave a child in a cot to go to the loo, but here, given that being put down would further upset an already fractious child, I honestly don’t see why he couldn’t just wait a very short period of time to avoid this.

No she's talking about leaving the child to cry instead of disturbing her husband etc, not the one 30 second toilet trip.

that's not really clear for me. It seems that the big trigger was that OP had been holding it in instead of going to the loo, husband got up and instead of staying with the child while OP got calpol/milk, had a loo break.

If he was going to leave it for more than about the 10 minutes it would take OP to get the things, sure, that would be bad. But it doesn't sound like it to me.

I understand, honestly. My 4yo started preschool a few months ago and with her sharing all her newfound germs with her little sister the 2yo’s sleep has gone totally up the left. We’ve been up all night, we’ve been in hospital, we’ve been on antibiotics, we’ve had chickenpox, all the good stuff. We’ve had to start again when she was previously a really good sleeper (part of what lulled me into a false sense of security in getting pregnant again 😂). One of the best tips I got was not to start new long term ‘bad habits’ or sleep crutches for short term problems. Or to take the least number of backwards steps as possible so it’s easier to get back to where you were. I know it’s hard, and you’re getting a hard time on here, but there’s no judgement here!

ah, ok @girlmom21 got it now 2 different things (agree leaving a kid to cry unnecessarily is cruel)

Take it in turns with your dh, I did last night you do the next one. Put ear plugs in on your sleepy nights?

You sound overly fretful due to the last trauma and you need to work through that. A new baby is going to heal the pressure on too so talk to your dh now. Tell him what you need and expect and come to some agreement.

@User839516

I understand, honestly. My 4yo started preschool a few months ago and with her sharing all her newfound germs with her little sister the 2yo’s sleep has gone totally up the left. We’ve been up all night, we’ve been in hospital, we’ve been on antibiotics, we’ve had chickenpox, all the good stuff. We’ve had to start again when she was previously a really good sleeper (part of what lulled me into a false sense of security in getting pregnant again 😂). One of the best tips I got was not to start new long term ‘bad habits’ or sleep crutches for short term problems. Or to take the least number of backwards steps as possible so it’s easier to get back to where you were. I know it’s hard, and you’re getting a hard time on here, but there’s no judgement here!

That's good advice. He was a great sleeper. I also wonder if he misses me and also maybe if I miss him and feel guilty deep down for sending him to nursery.

He's having some trouble settling and leaving me when I drop him off, which is completely normal I know.

But maybe I feel I need to be extra attentive when he's home and upset. Also, I have a big bed in his room, which is where DS and I 'sleep' if he's feeling unwell. We've definitely picked up had habits through all these illnesses. I need to sort it out. Also at bedtime things are difficult now. He used to just go to sleep. Now he cries so much when I leave the room. So sometimes I stay, sometimes I don't stay. He doesn't fall asleep before 9 pm, which is ridiculous.

Like I said, he was very good before and we had it all sorted. I need to go back to basics and just let him cry a bit more.

think he should put his need to pee to one side for just 5 minutes, once. It's not much to ask

I couldn't disagree with this more.

Just because you choose to hold your piss all night doesn't mean he has to.

So unreasonable of you to want someone to ignore a bodily function.

I do agree your husband does not pull his weight but he is also the other parent so shouting "instructions" at him and expecting them to be carried out exactly how you wish isnt right.
If he decides his child can wait while he goes to the toilet, he can.

So sometimes I stay, sometimes I don't stay

This will be a huge part of it. Consistency is needed.

@Notimeforaname

So sometimes I stay, sometimes I don't stay

This will be a huge part of it. Consistency is needed.

We've gone through phases where staying helped him fall asleep and other times not staying helps him.

I would say these phases last around 3 months. I'm not sure which phase we are in at the moment!

It's a mess and I'm tired !

@Notimeforaname

think he should put his need to pee to one side for just 5 minutes, once. It's not much to ask

I couldn't disagree with this more.

Just because you choose to hold your piss all night doesn't mean he has to.

So unreasonable of you to want someone to ignore a bodily function.

I do agree your husband does not pull his weight but he is also the other parent so shouting "instructions" at him and expecting them to be carried out exactly how you wish isnt right.
If he decides his child can wait while he goes to the toilet, he can.

No one is asking him to hold his piss “all night”, but for the very brief period his wife is downstairs. Adults frequently have to wait a couple of minutes to go to the loo, eg if in a meeting at work or any number of other situations where you cannot immediately go to the toilet.

‘if he decides his child can wait while he goes to the toilet, he can’

Sorry but I would trust the parent who does 100% of the night time care to decide what is and isn’t going to upset their unwell child, not the one who sleeps through it all and gets cross if asked to help.

Waiting 2 minutes to go to the loo is such a fucking tiny ask of someone (Subject to medical conditions etc obviously). I would rather wait a very short while to use the toilet and not upset my already distressed child. If OP was planning to leave the house to go to the pharmacy and would be a long time that would obviously be different. But this is just her DH saying I don’t give a shit if I upset my kid because me going to the loo exactly when I want without a minuscule delay is more important. Yeah, fuck that.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned. But something you need to think about is what happens when the new baby arrives? You can't be expected to do all baby night wakings and the toddler too. You need to discuss with your husband in advance how he is going to step up and do his share at night.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I can see it's been scary and exhausting for you.
I've come on to say that maybe it's worth rethinking giving him milk- it often makes chesty/breathing problems worse. You could give warm water or very watered down apple juice.
Also keep Calpol near where he sleeps, and if you think he is coming down with something, give it before he goes to bed so that it doesn't get to screaming point.
I'd be pretty pissed off with DH, surely he understands that screaming makes the breathing issues worse.
The other thing is, have you had him checked for asthma? My youngest DS has asthma and it looked very much like what you are describing. Preventative steroid inhalers worked wonders.

Of coarse its your partners fault😄 , I mean please ! Nothing to do with the mother martyr syndrome youve got going on. Who on earth is going to bother contributing to that style of parenting. If I was your partner Id leave ye to it as I dont imagine anything your partner would do would be good enough in your eyes anyway.
Unless of coarse you come to your senses , realise what your doing and ask for help and support. Hope you come to your senses before number 2 arrives or your to ill to attend to your child.

@DelphiniumBlue

I haven't read the whole thread, but I can see it's been scary and exhausting for you. I've come on to say that maybe it's worth rethinking giving him milk- it often makes chesty/breathing problems worse. You could give warm water or very watered down apple juice. Also keep Calpol near where he sleeps, and if you think he is coming down with something, give it before he goes to bed so that it doesn't get to screaming point. I'd be pretty pissed off with DH, surely he understands that screaming makes the breathing issues worse. The other thing is, have you had him checked for asthma? My youngest DS has asthma and it looked very much like what you are describing. Preventative steroid inhalers worked wonders.

I'll look into it. He has a bottle of milk at night. The NHS don't want to refer me anywhere. Apparently all normal. I'll keep pushing.

So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

Speak for yourself lol. What an odd thing to say.

So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

I think you'll find that many mothers couldn't do this if their life depended on it. Especially after a second childbirth! You may need a different strategy going forward OP.

Sorry but I would trust the parent who does 100% of the night time care to decide what is and isn’t going to upset their unwell child, not the one who sleeps through it all and gets cross if asked to help.

Yes, that person doing 100% of the care can decide everything about their child in those moments.
But they cant decide things for another adult like not going to the toilet. Thats slightly controlling.

You'd think so. I just try to avoid it. He's tired, so I go. But I think in future I'll just need to leave my DS to cry. I do sometimes even when he's ill. He just gets so hysterical sometimes.
Are you scared of him op?
You said the noise DS was making meant DHwas awake so why can't he pop down stairs, get the stuff, give it you and then DS will settle and you can all sleep.

Either you're resisting admitting he's abusive and you're scared to ask him for help, or you're determined to martyr yourself and DS so the Lord can rest upon his pillows in slumber

@Notimeforaname

Sorry but I would trust the parent who does 100% of the night time care to decide what is and isn’t going to upset their unwell child, not the one who sleeps through it all and gets cross if asked to help.

Yes, that person doing 100% of the care can decide everything about their child in those moments.
But they cant decide things for another adult like not going to the toilet. Thats slightly controlling.

I do understand what you mean about dictating when he goes to the toilet, I guess I just don’t understand in these circumstances why people think he couldn’t just wait.

Is it because people don’t agree that putting an unwell and clingy child in their cot will cause them to get more upset? Or because people think it’s a big deal for him to wait literally a couple of minutes to have a wee?

To me, waiting a very brief period to go to the loo is a very proportionate ‘sacrifice’ to avoid upsetting my child. I don’t see it as controlling when he can go, just thinking it’s selfish not to have just waited for her to get back.

You're being ridiculous. OF COURSE mothers don't just hold it in; they go to the toilet when they need. SO DO DADS.

IF your child is restless hot and feverish , first solution is TAKE HIM OUT OF THE SLEEPING BAG to help cool him down. Just like DH did.

Not, run for the calpol. Crying does not invariably mean a child is in pain/needs calpol.

What's worse, is that you are training your poor child to be more needy and anxious. He's never going to have a sacrificial body-servant at nursery, at school, in adult life. FOR HIS SAKE, he needs to become comfortable and relaxed in his own company, secure in the knowledge that if he wakes up alone in the night , all is well . That when Mummy goes out of the room for a few minutes, the sky won't fall in.

I think this is all bound up in your own neediness and over-anxiety because he's started nursery, going out into the world, meeting new people who care for him and new risks you can't save him from. You're insecure; and this hyper-attentive self -sacrifice of your basic bodily needs (sleep, peeing) is a way of trying to make him, and DH,. confirm how essential you are.

Every stage of baby development involves a tiny lesson in self confidence and trust; for babies and the parents. First attempts to stand and walk means learning that a little fall or bump is survivable. Learning to spoon feed himself means missing the target; but he won't starve; he'll just learn better co-ordination. Going to nursery teaches all sorts of tiny ways to become a little more confident and resilient. You need to learn that lesson yourself, so you can pass it on to him.

@2bazookas

You're being ridiculous. OF COURSE mothers don't just hold it in; they go to the toilet when they need. SO DO DADS.

IF your child is restless hot and feverish , first solution is TAKE HIM OUT OF THE SLEEPING BAG to help cool him down. Just like DH did.

Not, run for the calpol. Crying does not invariably mean a child is in pain/needs calpol.

What's worse, is that you are training your poor child to be more needy and anxious. He's never going to have a sacrificial body-servant at nursery, at school, in adult life. FOR HIS SAKE, he needs to become comfortable and relaxed in his own company, secure in the knowledge that if he wakes up alone in the night , all is well . That when Mummy goes out of the room for a few minutes, the sky won't fall in.

I think this is all bound up in your own neediness and over-anxiety because he's started nursery, going out into the world, meeting new people who care for him and new risks you can't save him from. You're insecure; and this hyper-attentive self -sacrifice of your basic bodily needs (sleep, peeing) is a way of trying to make him, and DH,. confirm how essential you are.

Every stage of baby development involves a tiny lesson in self confidence and trust; for babies and the parents. First attempts to stand and walk means learning that a little fall or bump is survivable. Learning to spoon feed himself means missing the target; but he won't starve; he'll just learn better co-ordination. Going to nursery teaches all sorts of tiny ways to become a little more confident and resilient. You need to learn that lesson yourself, so you can pass it on to him.

Just one thing. He wasn't feverish or sweaty. The rest ok.

But this is just her DH saying I don’t give a shit if I upset my kid because me going to the loo exactly when I want without a minuscule delay is more important. Yeah, fuck that.

Absolute rubbish. And yes, needing to go to the toilet when you wake up is important. It’s very different to during the day when your brain first receives the signal from your bladder and you have ample time (medical conditions aside). When asleep your brain doesn’t respond to those early signals, it sleeps through and then they get more rapid and urgent and wake you up, or you wake up and the brain ‘wakes up’ and starts processing information quickly and you really need to go. There is no way I can hang on for a few minutes when I wake up, good for you if you can.

The problem is not that OP necessarily knows her child better than her DH, but it would seem at this point she is suffering severe health anxiety around her child leading to unusual behaviours. Her DH is not following suit as he is acting rationally. The bigger problem with the DH is he doesn’t appear to pull his weight in general, but no way should he be prohibited from emptying his bladder on waking when the child can be put in a cot for 2 minutes while he uses a toilet.

The OPs behaviour is not sustainable, she can’t keep up this odd routine of never using a toilet or trying to imitate a statue for hours and also breast/bottle feed a new baby and settle that as necessary during the night (even if that duty is shared with DH). Even taking one child each, that’s not going to work with the expectations OP has.

The reality is croup is annoying all round, and very occasionally you are going to end up in A&E after hours. Honestly, I’d say OPs child would be just as likely to have the same number of visits with normal behaviours as with the current ones. It was interesting though that OP said DH got grumpy if the child had to go to hospital, now THAT’S perplexing, odd and disturbing behaviour in a whole different way!

@2bazookas

You're being ridiculous. OF COURSE mothers don't just hold it in; they go to the toilet when they need. SO DO DADS.

IF your child is restless hot and feverish , first solution is TAKE HIM OUT OF THE SLEEPING BAG to help cool him down. Just like DH did.

Not, run for the calpol. Crying does not invariably mean a child is in pain/needs calpol.

What's worse, is that you are training your poor child to be more needy and anxious. He's never going to have a sacrificial body-servant at nursery, at school, in adult life. FOR HIS SAKE, he needs to become comfortable and relaxed in his own company, secure in the knowledge that if he wakes up alone in the night , all is well . That when Mummy goes out of the room for a few minutes, the sky won't fall in.

I think this is all bound up in your own neediness and over-anxiety because he's started nursery, going out into the world, meeting new people who care for him and new risks you can't save him from. You're insecure; and this hyper-attentive self -sacrifice of your basic bodily needs (sleep, peeing) is a way of trying to make him, and DH,. confirm how essential you are.

Every stage of baby development involves a tiny lesson in self confidence and trust; for babies and the parents. First attempts to stand and walk means learning that a little fall or bump is survivable. Learning to spoon feed himself means missing the target; but he won't starve; he'll just learn better co-ordination. Going to nursery teaches all sorts of tiny ways to become a little more confident and resilient. You need to learn that lesson yourself, so you can pass it on to him.

That's a fantastic post

I literally torture myself by trying to lie completely still when I feel like DS is about to fall asleep. Even if I feel sick and really need the loo, I just lie there. *

You do know that babies tune in to their mothers feelings? . Your baby is feeling your restless pain and discomfort and anxiety; no wonder he can't sleep.

I really recommend you get hold of some meditation or relaxation recordings ( free from libraries) and practice relaxing your self right down to an inner calm place where you stop thinking. The only focus is on breath in, breath out. IME doing this has a miraculous soothing effect on a tired crabby baby in your arms.

Aside from the fact he shouldn't need you to call him (he should be up helping already), I'd go to the loo if I needed to - mothers do not 'hold it' for hours, you are being a bit of a martyr there.