Would you also be fuming or am I being unkind ?

[justhowuseless]

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

@girlmom21

You've just given a reason for the pain - teething. And yes, I would give a child pain-relief in that situation.
However, OP has described her child as being constantly ill and in "some sort of pain"... Yes, I do think that warrants a doctor (unless of course it's all exaggerated by general anxiety)!

Woah! Op I'm so sorry you're getting so much abuse on here. Please try to access some counselling or support network where they're not so judgmental - even women's aid as they're not only for dv, they can get you to the best support more quickly. Good luck x

(sorry that was to posts on previous pages, not the two above mine)

[quote justhowuseless]@SleepingStandingUp he's the boys dad.. [/quote]
So why won't you get him to help you.

You're making yours and your sons life harder. Instead of getting him to go pee then grab the milk whilst you cuddle DS, then you go pee whisky he gives it, you're lying in bed with an upset child, desperate to pee because you can't just say "hey Steve, got make the toddler a bottle and put 7.5 ml of calpol in it"

@CorneliusVetch I haven't given any "medical advice". I'm suggesting a medical advice is sought for a child allegedly "screaming in pain".

@IWishIWasABaller actually has been helpful here - from their experience there actually IS a point in seeking medical attention for a sickly child in pain.

My "sickly child in pain" nearly died from a walking pneumonia, so OPs bladder control should be less of a priority here.

[quote QueenCamilla]@CorneliusVetch I haven't given any "medical advice". I'm suggesting a medical advice is sought for a child allegedly "screaming in pain".

@IWishIWasABaller actually has been helpful here - from their experience there actually IS a point in seeking medical attention for a sickly child in pain.

My "sickly child in pain" nearly died from a walking pneumonia, so OPs bladder control should be less of a priority here.[/quote]
Have you read any of my posts ?? I've taken him to the doctor so many times and to hospital. Apparently these are just viruses. He probably had a sore throat last night, but he can't tell me.

I'm always ringing the doctor, taking him to the doctor or going to the hospital in the middle of the night if required. So how dare you accuse me of being negligent, when I'm clearly doing my best and trying to help my son.

@justhowuseless
OP, I understand! But don't accept that it's "just viruses". Even though it might be, that level of illness is not "normal" and might well have an underlying cause. (that Calpol might not be even touching the sides of)

If you are not getting appropriate medical attention for your child.. Well, it's a sorry state of affairs within the NHS! There's no point lashing out at DH or me in your frustration. Keep on at seeking help if things are really that bad.

Me and DS were fobbed off for aaages. Apparently children "just get sick and get coughs" and as a mum "I should get used to it". The day that DS got blue-lighted to the hospital a doctor shouted at me in the ambulance : Where Were You Sooner??!!
You get the idea. Bad if I do, bad if I don't!
But he nearly died... And feck everyone and their Calpol! I just think the focus should be elsewhere (I mean on this thread, not personally! )

And as I said upthread: the "calpoling" of kids really is a uniquely British thing - made more evident by the (expected) uproar of me dissing the bloody thing.
It's for aches - ear-aches, tooth-aches, injection-aches, tonsillitis-aches - doesn't mean that the cause needs no attention! I wouldn't want to be given just some paracetamol for bacterial tonsilitis, for example! 🤷‍♂️ Once again, not personal - just general observation!

I honestly don’t know what to make of this.

I can’t figure out if your husband is a complete useless lump that you’re mad to have a second baby with, or if you’re a martyr and I can’t blame your husband for not wanting to get up during the night as he obviously won’t do it to your standards.

@justhowuseless yes you will get paracetamol or ibuprofen suppositories in any pharmacy. Honestly they make life so much easier

Quite frankly, you're sleep deprived. You and DH need to share the load. Tag team for sleep. He does it his way, you do it yours.

Consider a childminder. My second child was not half as ill as my first, who went to nursery.

OP,

You have my sympathy.

Heavily pregnant with another child to a shit husband and father.

Doesn't get up at night?
Is moody?

So you are trying to do it all?

You sound VERY vulnerable.

Have you friends or family to support you?

Your husband doesn't sound kind or decent.

Please do not have anymore children.

Moody men are often emotionally abusive.

Be very careful.

Women's aid are a great resource to chat to about how he treats you, if you feel confused.

Pregnant women are very susceptible to being treated badly by horrible moody men.

Mind yourself, he clearly isn't.

@justhowuseless
I just like to give it at room temp. I barely warm it. I just don't like giving it nice cold from the fridge.
I understood that you don't want to give DS ice cold milk - I meant if you bring up a bottle at his bath/bedtime (or even at yours) and stick it on the bedside table it will be handy and at room temp when you need it.

@justhowuseless
You have my sympathies.. my son was what felt constantly sick from 3 months old.. croup every 6 weeks.. every viral infection going.. broncilitis.. and then chicken pox!I thought I would kill my poor child with the paracetamol suppositories.. I was advised not to give ibuprofen as all his illnesses were upper respiratory infections. Anyway getting to my point sorry! My son was diagnosed with asthma when he was 2 very unusual as in Ireland they don't like to diagnose until they are 7.. IMO it might be worth talking with your GP about this possibility bit obviously it could just be bad luck and your son is catching whatever is going.

I didn't read the whole thread but from what I have read you have gotten some of the usual MN posters that just love to stick the boot in.. they obviously get a kick out of it!

Best of luck

[quote OkPedro]@justhowuseless
You have my sympathies.. my son was what felt constantly sick from 3 months old.. croup every 6 weeks.. every viral infection going.. broncilitis.. and then chicken pox!I thought I would kill my poor child with the paracetamol suppositories.. I was advised not to give ibuprofen as all his illnesses were upper respiratory infections. Anyway getting to my point sorry! My son was diagnosed with asthma when he was 2 very unusual as in Ireland they don't like to diagnose until they are 7.. IMO it might be worth talking with your GP about this possibility bit obviously it could just be bad luck and your son is catching whatever is going.

I didn't read the whole thread but from what I have read you have gotten some of the usual MN posters that just love to stick the boot in.. they obviously get a kick out of it!

Best of luck [/quote]
Ooh May I ask why not ibobrofen for upper respiratory problems ? And thank you for your post.

@ihavenamexhanedtoday my gp told me it can depress breathing, making it harder for a child to catch their breath. Its not recommended for anyone with asthma.. I was also told not to give ibuprofen when my children had chicken pox

Yes I'm asthmatic and it's not recommended I have much ibuprofen.
There are a lot of other issues, but why is the Calpol downstairs? Take it up when you go to bed if he is sick and you feel it will help. Either leave a small bottle of milk on the bedside as a pp suggested, and just throw it out in the morning if you didn't need it, or just squirt the syringe it down his throat when he's screaming. Or go the suppositories. Definitely get some Vicks and a humidifier. One of mine had croup and we did the steam in the bathroom thing a few times. Strange they won't let you take home some steroid drops or prescribe a preventative inhaler - that would be much more use than paracetamol.
Don't lie for hours without peeing, that can cause a bladder infection and they can be really nasty - if you need a break go put him in bed with your husband, he may well fall asleep.

Do I get the worry about the illness. My two year old has only got one lung due to a tumour which was removed shortly after birth and he gets frequent chest infections, and has asthma which is worse at night.

He hates calpol too so I’m all honesty, my husband and I just shove that in. He holds the head, I squirt it in. My son doesn’t have a bottle though. In terms of stopping the crying etc i can only tell you what works for us. This may not help you

When my son has a chest infection he also wakes frequently, when he wakes the first time. My husband brings him in our bed and we basically let Him sleep there. This reduces my anxiety because I’m always afraid he’ll stop breathing, but also he wakes less, and when he does wake he is soothes by being with us and this sends him off. We all sleep much better.

I will say though I have three kids and it’s honestly not unusual to wake up with all of them in or on my bed in a morning 🤣

Why don't you put him in your bed between you?

Mine was always unwell and I now realise it was asthma - could it be that. Also a hospital doctor told me about kids floradix , multi vitamin, not sure wha age from but it definitely made a difference to ds's health

If my sons croup flares up and we end up in hospital, my husband will be a moody fucker and ruin the mood. So I try to avoid this kind of stuff by just keeping him as calm as possible when he's sick. I find living around moody people very difficult.

🚩🚩🚩

If your husband has always been this shit as a parent (toilet needs notwithstanding as that's bonkers martyrdom!) and NOT partner why on earth are you having a 2nd?!

You're heavily pregnant, your current youngest is ill and your husband is doing fuck all?

No!

Get him told that this is not acceptable and he needs to bloody step up! Without getting moody!

Moody? He needs to grow the hell up!

Frankly he sounds emotionally abusive/training you!

Probably, but I thought he'd be annoyed to have to go downstairs

Well that's tough shit on him! He has 1 dc and another on the way time he pulled his fucking weight

On something of a side note if it's repeated apparent chest infections/croup - has he actually been checked for asthma? This type of repeat symptoms is often how asthma presents in little ones - particularly likely if steroids are helping! This is one area where tiger mum needs to come out! Stop letting the hcps fob you off and insist on an assessment

The more you say about the croup the more it sounds to me like asthma and not croup at all

In fact - get husband to take baby for next Drs visit! Sadly hcps take men more seriously even when they
are representing a child. Shouldn't b e true but it is

The NHS don't want to refer me anywhere

They never do! You have to be pushy

Calpol is not a benign drug op, it really ought to be a very last resort

I'm thinking there may be an allergen at nursery too, yes there is the "they get every bug going" thing when they start nursery but they wouldn't all have almost the exact same symptoms. It may be a perfume or other toiletry a nursery worker uses or a cleaning product

I'm afraid the lying still etc is nonsensical too it's not sustainable and it's not healthy - physically or mentally

Ooh May I ask why not ibobrofen for upper respiratory problems ? And thank you for your post.

NSAIDs like ibuprofen and aspirin can be triggering for those of us with asthma and similar

I can't take ibuprofen at all for this reason

Just a thought but have you checked for threadworms?
Could be why he’s unsettled, irritable, tossing and turning sometimes crying.
No harm in ruling it out OP and it’s always rife at nursery.

Oh gosh yes. Thread worms are absolutely endemic at nursery and cause awful distress at night.

OP I'm not going to comment on if him going for a pee is right or wrong, because I think you have much bigger problems with him than that. @justhowuseless this is yet another frustrating thread that has one think, why did you get pregnant a second time to this deadbeat dad? You are heavily pregnant, and your partner won't get up unless you ask him to? And even then moans? Have you thought what it's going to be like with your DS the way he is, and a newborn, when the baby comes?

You cant keep doing this. Parenthood should be a partnership. As you're heavily pregnant, he should be insisting he get up every time. And leaving you in bed. Any decent dad and partner would, so why are you putting up with this pig of a man? He is certainly no father nor partner. I think you need to sit him down and have a good, long, honest talk with him and tell him you need him to get up - not even 'volunteer', or 'only if asked', it should be automatic that he wakes up and goes to DS without even waking you. You need him to step up and BE A FATHER, and do it without moaning and trying to make a heavily pregnant and exhausted mother feel even worse. What sort of 'man' treats his heavily pregnant wife and mother of his child and unborn child like this? Seriously, he's a pos to treat you like this, and by being a martyr and not demanding he step up, you are allowing him to treat you like this.

You have a DH problem, not necessarily a DS problem. You are married to a dud father and dud partner. You need to speak to him and make him see he needs to step up. You need to get it sorted now, before the baby comes.

@justhowuseless

Of course I leave him to go to the loo normally. But not when he's crying already. It makes it much worse and I try to work around it. He also gets croup a lot and crying makes that worse and we end up in a and e in the middle of the night. So I try to keep him as calm as possible if he's not feeling so good.

Maybe husband didn't understand the instructions because he was still sleepy, I take that on board.

I'm very pregnant and DS is heavy now, otherwise I would just take him downstairs or something, but I can barely pick him up.

You're going to need to sort your toddler's sleep out before your baby arrives, what you have described is ridiculous. Try sleep training.

@justhowuseless

I need to have the Calpol upstairs I think. But in the night it's better with milk and I always warm his milk a little bit, so would need to go downstairs anyway.

Would just be useful if husband got up and did it sometimes when he's really upset and he can blatantly hear him, but just chooses to stay in bed.

The warm milk is way over the top for a toddler. Get a grip!