Would you also be fuming or am I being unkind ?

[justhowuseless]

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

That sounds really really tough OP but your DH is not being unreasonable but you both need a strategy to get your DS to settle himself.

On the health issue, have you tried pro biotics. It really helped boost my ‘catches everything’ youngest who was very sickly.

Sickly children tend to be very clingy BUT you need to deal with this as it’s not sustainable. He wants you all the time because he gets you when he makes these demands (in a 2 year old way ) You say he is sick all the time but there must be some instances where he is ok. Does he cry so much when not I’ll?

I honestly think you need to do a mix of building him up and sleep training and I suggest your DH gets involved

You do sound anxious which I understand as I was there once bug you need to take a step back and think about what’s best for everyone. Your DS will also benefit from a decent night sleep

Just leave him to cry and sleep sometimes. I don't get how anyone in the house gets any sleep if there's a hysterical two year old locked in their bedroom screaming loudly at 2 am. And I don't blame you even with out croup for not wanting to leave him screaming for hours. Esp once there's a newborn to disturb too.

But you need to stop treating DH like a child

Off topic and I know that tests have shown that there isn’t a connection but could you find an alternative to milk.
I know tests say there is no connection between mucus production and dairy but I personally have found that I do produce much less snot and gunkin general now I don’t have dairy in my diet.
I am not, I have found actually allergic to dairy but the product fed to cows to increase milk production which then is present in dairy and also in everything else I have allergies to.

@Caszekey But if this is constant and not a once off then surely you need to sleep train. Is the OP meant to live in a constant state of exhaustion until her DS decides he wants to sleep on his own. I mean that could be years

I would want this sorted before number 2 arrives or else the OP will literally never get a wink of sleep

I think the fact you think your husband has to sit and hold it in and your son can’t be left for a couple of mins shows this is about your anxiety rather than your child’s health.

Yes a couple of posters agreed with you, which is causing you to disregard anything else, and you even state you know you’re probably being unreasonable but will continue regardless as that’s how you feel

I think you need to try and take a step back and work out how to manage your mental health first off, I fully understand your anxiety, but it is just that, your child was in no danger, your husband made the right call. But your anxiety is giving you the what ifs as opposed to allowing you to be rational.

The way you’re behaving, laying there still bursting for the loo, lashing out at your husband if you child is even left in his cot for mins isn’t healthy. If you need support I’d speak to your gp, as anxiety has a way of spiralling down.

But she's saying it isn't every night, it's when he's ill. And if she's got DH up to get him a drink straight away, maybe he wouldn't be screaming for hours whilst op tries not to pee in the bed.

I agree regarding the inhaler and dairy products. It is worth exploring anything that could reduce the croup.

You need to get your DC to settle himself when he wakes.

I agree your husband is an ass who couldn't hold onto it for 5 mins whilst you got the calpol. If you were happy to leave him alone you wouldn't have woken your dh ffs.

Also I think some people have only had the bark coughs with croup and don't understand the absolute terror of a child with a strider in the middle of the mighty that won't settle and gets worse with stress and anxiety. Especially because you have to go to a&e for steroids, wait to be observed and then come home with a steroid filled 2 year old with zero interest in sleep.

I agree with what everyone is saying in that what you're doing ultimately isn't sustainable and you need to make it a shared problem. And then a shared solution. But the solution isn't milk in thermos and fridges ffs, it's a shared load.

@phishy Well obviously. But he isn’t, so why make son suffer to make a point to DH?

Does calpol actually help? I am not sure it is the best thing tbh.

So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

No it isn't - it's what mothers who are afraid of their children crying do. It's ok for your DS to cry and be upset for a few minutes - the world won't end! You sound like an attentive (over attentive IMO) mother so he obviously knows he's loved. you're not going to damage him by saying "mummy has to go get some medicine for you/go to the toilet, I'll be back in two minutes". I recommend Janet Lansbury fb page/podcasts to get yourself comfortable with this as otherwise you and DS will really struggle when DC2 comes along, as you won't be able to lie with him for hours when the baby needs you. She's great and saved me when my DC were babies/toddlers.

He may be picking bugs up at nursery.

Can you have him sleep with you? Maybe he just wants the comfort of you there.

OP, if I get up, regardless of the time of night, i need to go to the toilet or i wee myself.

Also, I found with my kids I wasn't especially quiet when they went to sleep and they were all good sleepers. I always remember my brother's wife needing to spend a couple of hours getting his baby to sleep and noone could make any sound.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I agree your husband is an ass who couldn't hold onto it for 5 mins whilst you got the calpol. If you were happy to leave him alone you wouldn't have woken your dh ffs.

Also I think some people have only had the bark coughs with croup and don't understand the absolute terror of a child with a strider in the middle of the mighty that won't settle and gets worse with stress and anxiety. Especially because you have to go to a&e for steroids, wait to be observed and then come home with a steroid filled 2 year old with zero interest in sleep.

I agree with what everyone is saying in that what you're doing ultimately isn't sustainable and you need to make it a shared problem. And then a shared solution. But the solution isn't milk in thermos and fridges ffs, it's a shared load.

Thank you. My husband has been driving pretty swiftly and we've been afraid for my sons life a couple of times in the middle of the night, because his breathing seemed so bad. You can't forget that.

But I think it's getting better. This cold he has now, has not caused the croup to come. So maybe he's growing out of it. And he screamed his little head off last night and it's not appeared. So perhaps we've just been a bit unlucky. And it's important to remember that even when he sounded very ill whilst breathing, it always got sorted quickly and he's not actually ever stopped breathing.

I'm feeling much less anxious and more confident about his illness today, because I can see that he was OK last night.

OP is the obvious solution in future not just shouting DH to go and get the milk and calpol while you stay with DS?

@girlmom21

OP is the obvious solution in future not just shouting DH to go and get the milk and calpol while you stay with DS?

You'd think so. I just try to avoid it. He's tired, so I go. But I think in future I'll just need to leave my DS to cry. I do sometimes even when he's ill. He just gets so hysterical sometimes.

Your husband is a dick. Tell him he needs to step up.

What do you mean he'd get "annoyed" if you asked him to get the calpol? What would he do?

Your DH is selfish for not helping out and leaving you to do everything it should be shared . But my partner was also a a selfish shit and it caused alot of problems.

But for him to put ds in the cot and go to the toilet is not selfish of him . Yes ds is crying but he's safe . If you Need the toilet you should go . If you need to go to the kitchen or get calpol you go. Nothing is going to happen to ds.

I don't think leaving a poorly child to cry is the option if it's avoidable. Tell your husband to stop being an arse.

A couple of alternatives that may help - when he starts crying, if you think he’ll need milk and calpol straight away, get them before you go in so he doesn’t get upset at you leaving. Or if you’ve gone in and then realise he needs them, can you put him in your bed next to your husband so he has company and is comforted while you fetch them? I sympathise with your situation, my DD has asthma and as a toddler we had lots of trips to A&E cos she wasn’t breathing properly, and lots of nights where the only way she could sleep was leaning on my chest as I sat up in bed trying to sleep too. He will grow out of it eventually though, and hopefully it’ll get better as the weather improves, then by next winter he’ll be bigger and stronger.

Sorry your DH did nothing wrong. Child was safe and he needed to pee. Perfectly reasonable.

YABU

I don't think leaving a poorly child to cry is the option if it's avoidable. Tell your husband to stop being an arse.

it's a trip to the loo not locking the child in the coal hole for hours on end.

@Brefugee

I don't think leaving a poorly child to cry is the option if it's avoidable. Tell your husband to stop being an arse.

it's a trip to the loo not locking the child in the coal hole for hours on end.

No she's talking about leaving the child to cry instead of disturbing her husband etc, not the one 30 second toilet trip.

@Brefugee

I don't think leaving a poorly child to cry is the option if it's avoidable. Tell your husband to stop being an arse.

it's a trip to the loo not locking the child in the coal hole for hours on end.

I was responding to You'd think so. I just try to avoid it. He's tired, so I go. But I think in future I'll just need to leave my DS to cry.

For clarity.

I think he should put his need to pee to one side for just 5 minutes, once. It's not much to ask.

This is ridiculous. If he needs to pee, he needs to pee. Do you want him to wet himself? You are making yourself suffer for hours. Just put the child in the cot, go to the loo, get the milk and calpol and come back and soothe him.