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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you also be fuming or am I being unkind ?

288 replies

justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:08

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 05:48

I think you sound like a very loving and selfless parent but I don't think it is necessary or typical to regularly sleep in your dc's bed, to lie rigidly and in discomfort so you don't disturb him, to go to such lengths to avoid leaving him alone for a few moments. Aren't you worried that he will struggle to learn how to soothe and comfort himself, to be without you? Obviously I am not talking about abandoning a very poorly child but you talk as if this is very regular so I am assuming normal childhood coughs, colds and so on.

KeepYaHeadUp · 18/02/2022 05:50

@TheRealityCheque

Honestly, you've lost the plot!

Of course it's reasonable for either of you to leave your child in a safe place to go to the toilet.

Absolute bat-shittery of the highest order.

You know you've missed the point of the AIBU? though, right? It's not whether the DH was unreasonable to leave the child safely in its cot while he went to the loo, it's whether he could have held on for OP to get back with calpol etc given her sacrifices to try to keep everyone else comfortable / asleep!
SaveWaterDrinkGin · 18/02/2022 06:02

I think regardless of your husbands behaviour, the way you’re dealing with your son at night time is ridiculous. ‘I literally torture myself by trying to lie completely still’?! That’s not normal OP!

twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 06:03

"t's whether he could have held on for OP to get back with calpol etc given her sacrifices to try to keep everyone else comfortable / asleep!"

But if the child was awake and op was downstairs adding calpol to warm milk, everyone was up and awake anyway so why couldn't he go to the loo?

Parents don't have to be martyrs. It's ok, I think, to go the toilet when you need to. In the dh's position it wouldn't even occur to me that I wasn't supposed to.

BottleBrushTree · 18/02/2022 06:04

@twominutesmore

I think you sound like a very loving and selfless parent but I don't think it is necessary or typical to regularly sleep in your dc's bed, to lie rigidly and in discomfort so you don't disturb him, to go to such lengths to avoid leaving him alone for a few moments. Aren't you worried that he will struggle to learn how to soothe and comfort himself, to be without you? Obviously I am not talking about abandoning a very poorly child but you talk as if this is very regular so I am assuming normal childhood coughs, colds and so on.
I agree, it’s clear you have your child’s best interests at heart but the way you are describing all this sounds a little too much like helicopter parenting all the time. Your DH sounds completely off the scale on the other end, perhaps you both need to compromise but if your main question was he being unreasonable to go to the toilet, allowing your son to cry when you’d spent ages holding it in and not going to the toilet so your son didn’t cry - then it really is ok to go to the toilet when you need to, it’s a little bit mad tiptoeing around your sons crying like this.
Stressedout1009 · 18/02/2022 06:05

@TheRealityCheque

Honestly, you've lost the plot!

Of course it's reasonable for either of you to leave your child in a safe place to go to the toilet.

Absolute bat-shittery of the highest order.

Exactly! what a martyr!
StrawberryPot · 18/02/2022 06:06

YABU to suggest your dh shouldn't have left ds to go to the loo. Totally.

As to how much your dh should be doing overnight, I guess a lot depends on your personal circumstances doesn't it? If you're both working in jobs with similar levels of responsibility, then of course you should share nighttime care 50:50. If you're a sahm and he's a surgeon/driver/machine operator etc, then he's probably got a case for trying to get more sleep than you - on a work night at least.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/02/2022 06:11

Your husband needs to step up more but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable and PFB about things. When the new baby arrives you won't be able to tend to DS like this in the night so you will need a new strategy anyway.

user94747295 · 18/02/2022 06:13

Hi OP. I completely and utterly understand. I do exactly the same thing (holding my wee knowing that leaving will escalate the situation) and my partner does exactly the same thing yours does and it pisses me off SO much.

I think no one will understand this if they aren't in the situation. So don't be too hard on yourself with people saying YABU.

Hope your little one is better soon

twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 06:15

"So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do."

I disagree. Your son doesn't feel 'more ill' when you go to the toilet. He cries and wails because he likes you cuddled up next to him. Of course he does. I think it is ok to provide this if a child is very ill or in a lot of discomfort, but if you are providing this level of care all the time (you say he is 'almost always' ill) then I'd worry that he's getting a bit too used to you being there.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/02/2022 06:16

@user94747295

Hi OP. I completely and utterly understand. I do exactly the same thing (holding my wee knowing that leaving will escalate the situation) and my partner does exactly the same thing yours does and it pisses me off SO much.

I think no one will understand this if they aren't in the situation. So don't be too hard on yourself with people saying YABU.

Hope your little one is better soon

I have been in that situation with my first child, but it's not sustainable when you have more than one. In hindsight I was being unreasonable at that time therefore think OP is too.
Smartybartfast · 18/02/2022 06:16

It sounds like a mental load and selfishness issue as much as anything. You are trying everything you can to get good outcomes for your son- you know you need to give him company and keep him calm to get him back to sleep; avoid crying because it makes his croup worse; put his Calpol in warm milk. You are sacrificing lots for the good of your son, while heavily pregnant too. And your oaf of a husband either doesn’t know or more likely doesn’t care about any of that. Have you sat down in the daytime and actually talked about this with him?

I’d ignore PPs saying your approach sounds batshit by the way. All babies and all circumstances are different. You just have to do what you need to do to get through. But it will get impossibly hard if you and your husband aren’t a team when the new baby comes.

WispaBurgerbites · 18/02/2022 06:18

I'm going to be blunt OP. You will struggle when your second child arrives and you cannot tend to both of your children at the same time. One of them will need to be left. You and DH will need to be a tag team in the night. Get used to being a bit more selfish now before you end up having a nervous breakdown trying to put everyone else's needs above your own.

And yes, I do speak from experience regrettably.

Redglitter · 18/02/2022 06:21

It all seems a bit ott. You're potentially making the situation worse by being there all the time. Lying on the floor frightened to move and dying for a pee isn't 'what mothers do' What's going to happen when you've had the baby. You can't do all that with a newborn, even if your husband does step up and pull his weight

twominutesmore · 18/02/2022 06:21

Your son is also coping with a lot of changes, having started nursery recently, and your pregnancy. Do you think those things could be exacerbating his need for you in the night? I think it would be a good idea to try to decrease his dependency on you before the baby arrives.

What does your dh think? Does he think you need to go to your ds as often as you do or does he think there are times when you are too responsive?

And I hope this comes across as helpful and not critical btw. You sound very loving and kind. I have had four and it is certainly hard at times. I just do think that your needs shouldn't be so low down your list of priorities.

gamerchick · 18/02/2022 06:31

You can't pull the bloke to bits for taking a piss and OP you're going to end up with kidney issues if you carry on holding in your pee. You can think he's a prick for not helping more though.

You need to sort this before the baby comes. Are you going to ignore your babies needs as well to not upset your eldest?

Time for a chat with your bloke, he's going to have to take over.

daisy46 · 18/02/2022 06:32

YABU -- take care of yourself and go to the bathroom.

SazCat · 18/02/2022 06:32

You most definitely need to get your DH to get up with him more in the night, as he's going to have to once you're baby arrives and it's best to start this now to get him and DS usesld to it... I also speak from experience!

SazCat · 18/02/2022 06:33

Ignore the random 'you're' in there, should have read 'once baby arrives'

HoppingPavlova · 18/02/2022 06:33

I literally torture myself by trying to lie completely still when I feel like DS is about to fall asleep. Even if I feel sick and really need the loo, I just lie there.

That’s really not normal. It’s not ‘what mothers do’, it’s being a martyr. Your husband probably recognises this as not normal and doesn’t see why he should follow suit which is fair enough. I’ve dealt with really sick people over the years and unless they are going to literally bleed out or similar in the time it takes to go (quickly), then the normal thing is to go if you need to, which is physiologically the norm when you wake up no matter what time during the night. No way does the situation you describe mean toilet trips are off the tableHmm.

It looks as though the actual issue here is your DH not pulling his weight in general, and that’s not being addressed. Nothing to do with him being rationale and using the toilet when needed.

Hugasauras · 18/02/2022 06:34

Our needs shouldn't have to take a back seat to a DC's wants. Lying beside him desperate to pee but feeling unable to get up isn't healthy.

In this particular instance I might have been mildly irritated as the whole point in waking DH would have been to stop DD getting hysterical or more upset that would make resettling more difficult, and if he wasn't going to help with that then it was a pointless exercise, but I think that you need to readjust a little bit. You don't have to sacrifice your own health and well-being for everything your children would like to happen. A child will come to no harm being left for a minute while you pee.

DH always gets up to help when DD is ill though and hears she is upset. He usually goes to get the Calpol while I stay with her or vice versa.

user94747295 · 18/02/2022 06:36

@CeeceeBloomingdale
I have more than 1 child and feel the need to do this even more so that the noise doesn't wake her too!

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 18/02/2022 06:37

After reading the updates, I understand your anxiety regarding the croup, and worrying about going to hospital.

I think that when you've been able to sleep properly, and aren't feeling so anxious, and not angry with your DH, you and him need to sit down and have a talk about your anxiety regarding DS and the croup and hospital, and why you were angry this morning when DS was left alone. You'd think he'd get it, but sometimes the pieces of the jigsaw don't fit together straight away, get him to understand your anxiety.

Further to that I think you need to talk to someone about your anxiety, because you are going to extreme lengths to not move, not go to the loo, not going to get medication.

There must be some compromise that can happen here, so you aren't completely burning yourself out. Can you take DS downstairs to the sofa and snuggle up so he is sitting up but comfortable enough to fall sleep? Maybe play some bedtime stories to calm him, or put on his favourite cartoon, anything to calm him down and encourage sleep. Keep meds upstairs and downstairs and mix it with juice/milk. Just anything to make it easier on you and DH.

Hugasauras · 18/02/2022 06:38

And yes, having two means you will have to change the dynamic anyway. There will often be times when baby is crying but your older DC needs you more (has hurt themselves or something) and baby just has to be plonked down while you deal with it. You can't avoid it. And vice versa.

GalactatingGoddess · 18/02/2022 06:38

I disagree with posters who say you are in the wrong.

Your husbands behaviour was frustrating and stressful for you. Nothing worse than a baby screaming and upset and it's out of order he doesn't help you.

If you wanted him left you'd have just done it yourself, surely the point of two parents is that in moments like this you tag team. He could've gone to the toilet before you went to get calpol.