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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you also be fuming or am I being unkind ?

288 replies

justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:08

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

OP posts:
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CinnabarRed · 18/02/2022 05:13

Honestly, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to leave your child safe in his cot for the minute or two it takes to go to the loo. Your DH hasn’t done anything wrong.

I’m sorry that your DS is poorly, and that you must be exhausted.

Haus1234 · 18/02/2022 05:14

I feel like this is more to do with whatever other selfish things your husband has done previously tbh. Some people are less able to hold on to a full bladder than others.

kitkatsky · 18/02/2022 05:14

Depends. Is he like this during the day? My logic is lacking at night too even if I've been given an instruction. I understand you being upset though, especially as you've been up half the night. Solidarity from me- also have an unwell baby and been up a few hours

Suzanne999 · 18/02/2022 05:19

My first thought was why wasn’t your DH with your dc in the first place. I’d have thought crying child = everyone awake so he may as well help.
I suppose you could have carried dc into your room and given him to his dad to look after him ( but he’d still have gone to the loo anyway)
It sounds like low level viral infections your child is picking up, they always get lots when they start nursery / school. They just meet a whole lot of bugs they’ve not met before. It won’t really harm him to leave him long enough to fetch Calpol or visit the toilet. You could try Calpol and cold milk in a flask upstairs with you so you don’t have to leave him if that upsets you and him. But what you do about a husband who doesn’t want to help out with a poorly child, no idea on that one.

TheRealityCheque · 18/02/2022 05:20

Honestly, you've lost the plot!

Of course it's reasonable for either of you to leave your child in a safe place to go to the toilet.

Absolute bat-shittery of the highest order.

Pyri · 18/02/2022 05:21

Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up.

This is nuts, he needs to do his share of wake ups

But it’s absolutely fine to leave your child for a minute or two to use the toilet!

rattlemehearties · 18/02/2022 05:23

Please don't stop yourself going to the toilet when you need to, you'll get ill and then you'll be in an even worse situation.

I don't think your DH was being unkind as such but I think he should have got up sooner to see how he can help. There's a difference between a snotty whiny awake child and screaming, for the latter he should have leapt into action like you did.

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:24

Of course I leave him to go to the loo normally. But not when he's crying already. It makes it much worse and I try to work around it. He also gets croup a lot and crying makes that worse and we end up in a and e in the middle of the night. So I try to keep him as calm as possible if he's not feeling so good.

Maybe husband didn't understand the instructions because he was still sleepy, I take that on board.

I'm very pregnant and DS is heavy now, otherwise I would just take him downstairs or something, but I can barely pick him up.

OP posts:
Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:27

I need to have the Calpol upstairs I think. But in the night it's better with milk and I always warm his milk a little bit, so would need to go downstairs anyway.

Would just be useful if husband got up and did it sometimes when he's really upset and he can blatantly hear him, but just chooses to stay in bed.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 18/02/2022 05:28

Even is the little one is crying, it’s fine to leave him to get milk, Calpol, or go to the loo.

There may well be wider issues in your relationship, but in this one point your DH is not unreasonable.

CinnabarRed · 18/02/2022 05:29

It is unreasonable of your DH not to help more.

LadyPropane · 18/02/2022 05:29

Totally fine to quickly go for a wee if you're desperate, or to go and grab milk/Calpol.

I'm a mother and I've never sat in my baby's room for literally hours whilst desperate for a wee.

I'd forget about the toilet thing because that's not the issue here.

You say "of course" DH never gets up. You say he was obviously awake and never thought to come through and see if you needed help. You had to ask. THIS is the issue.

Tell your DH that he needs to do his share of these night wakings. It's not fair for it all to fall on one person.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 18/02/2022 05:29

I think that before we can say if you're being unreasonable or not, we need a little more context, is there a reason why your DS couldn't be in his cot alone for a few minutes whilst you got the milk and calpol? OK he is crying, he is poorly, but surely a couple of minutes alone whilst you get the things that can make him better, is better than lying with a poorly child uncomfortable and fussing, who you know must be uncomfortable due to pain/fever, its just delaying the enviable crying?

Is there an imbalance when it comes to caring for your DS, do you do the lions share whilst working full time?

If I needed a wee, I literally couldn't hold it in for hours, I'd wet myself. If you explained that DS was poorly, and you didn't want him in his sleeping bag due to fever, I'd stay until you got back, but if it was stay with ds until I get calpol, with no context I wouldn't think leaving for a minute to wee would cause an issue.

Sleep deprivation is horrible, and I'm sorry you've had a rough night, I hope you get some sleep and I hope your DS gets better soon.

Samanabanana · 18/02/2022 05:31

There is no way my DH would have stayed in bed ignoring a crying toddler and me dealing with it alone. He also wouldn't have left a very upset toddler to go to the loo for the few minutes it would have taken for you to grab milk and calpol. He also did his fair share of get ups. Your dh is being a dick and needs to do better.

Flutterby8 · 18/02/2022 05:32

I feel you. DH is currently asleep in the other room due to his excessively loud snoring waking me and DD up.
His instruction of wake me for her feed hasnt worked because he wont wake enough to understand that its feeding time. Hes a very heavy sleeper.
DD was also crying for her milk while i was downstairs preparing it and that didnt even get his attention.
Im shattered, not heavily pregnant luckily, but really could do with a break tonight.

Your DP should be doing more to help in the night especially with you being pregnant.
It isnt be unreasonable to leave your child in his cot but i completely understand your point. Nobody really wants to leave their DC distressed for the situation to get worse.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2022 05:35

It doesn’t sound like your dh is a very effective parent. Wouldn’t it have been better to send him to get the calpol then you can stay with your son if you didn’t want to leave him?

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:37

@Shoxfordian

It doesn’t sound like your dh is a very effective parent. Wouldn’t it have been better to send him to get the calpol then you can stay with your son if you didn’t want to leave him?
Probably, but I thought he'd be annoyed to have to go downstairs so I just did it.
OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/02/2022 05:38

Do you do a lot of things because he’ll be annoyed if you ask him?

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:41

I think it's a mixture of things.

I literally torture myself by trying to lie completely still when I feel like DS is about to fall asleep. Even if I feel sick and really need the loo, I just lie there.

But I think it's the croup thing. I'm always afraid if I let him cry, it will get worse and then we have fo go to hospital because he can't breathe. So now I have a low threshold for him crying when he's ill, as that's happened 3 times in the last few months and that's really exhausting.

I think husband probably just didn't understand the instruction to stay with him until I got back.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 18/02/2022 05:41

Sorry off point....calpol in warm milk? Why? Just give the syringe and it's gone. Nice and quick. Don't faff with warm milk unless its actually a feeding time.
I keep calpol next to my bed when kids are ill to avoid going downstairs.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2022 05:43

Is husband generally unintelligent to not understand a simple instruction? Surely he knows the issue because he’s been to hospital with you both

It sounds like he should be doing more of the night shift anyway as you’re pregnant, you need your sleep even more now

Also definitely keep the calpol upstairs

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:43

@Mumdiva99

Sorry off point....calpol in warm milk? Why? Just give the syringe and it's gone. Nice and quick. Don't faff with warm milk unless its actually a feeding time. I keep calpol next to my bed when kids are ill to avoid going downstairs.
It's absolutely horrific when I try to give him Calpol.. he screams and cries so much and needs to be held down. If he's really ill and needs regular medicine, we have to do that. But in the night, he'll have the bottle and again, because I'm trying to avoid upsetting him, so his croup doesn't flare up and we end up in hospital - it's just easier in milk at that point.
OP posts:
DonutEvenAsk · 18/02/2022 05:46

I would be totally pissed off too. Chuck in your own sleep deprivation, your total anxiety for hours with him sleeping soundly and you have a recipe for disaster.

They just don't seem to 'get it' sometimes. Or a lot of the time. Hope your DS gets better soon!

Rainbowqueeen · 18/02/2022 05:47

If you are very pregnant then DH should be taking over at night the majority of the time. Both he and DS need to get used to a new routine before the new baby comes.

Otherwise you are heading towards a really difficult time.

Wulfenite · 18/02/2022 05:47

He's fecking clueless isn't he... god forbid he should put off his own bodily needs for five minutes to help his toddler stay calm enough to sleep.