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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you also be fuming or am I being unkind ?

288 replies

justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 05:08

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/02/2022 06:40

[quote user94747295]@CeeceeBloomingdale
I have more than 1 child and feel the need to do this even more so that the noise doesn't wake her too! [/quote]
But you can't do it with two at the same time and a newborn will be more demanding in the early days. It's time for number one to get used to sharing.

user94747295 · 18/02/2022 06:42

@CeeceeBloomingdale
I do understand what you mean, but when one is unwell in the night and you are tired, you just want to do anything to get them back to sleep.

QforCucumber · 18/02/2022 06:44

Maybe missing the point but if you’re very pregnant isn’t it really bad for you to hold your wee for hours? UTI and kidney infection risk is so high.

Honestly OP, it’s not just what mothers do - if ds (20 months) is Whinging and tossing and turning like that for more than 1 hour then I go get the calpol, as he’s obviously uncomfortable. Putting him in the cot or taking him with me if it’s my night to do so, dh does the same on his turns - neither of us will sit there quietly seething for hours, but we will also try to avoid it waking the other or the 6 yr old (both work ft) so sort milk/cuddles/calpol as soon as possible,

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/02/2022 06:45

That's true, but when you newborn needs feeding at the same time something has to give. I'd be changing things immediately so it doesn't coincide with baby arriving too OP.

LadyNell · 18/02/2022 06:47

I'd be more concerned about your son quire honestly sounds like he needs to go to the doctor if he's ill all the time

pilates · 18/02/2022 06:48

Sorry but the situation you have described is not sustainable. You will not be able to continue in this way when you have a new born baby.

ChocolateMassacre · 18/02/2022 06:48

You're heavily pregnant. You need to take care of yourself. If your poor little DS needs this comfort while he is ill, start by turfing your DH out of your bed and co-sleep with your DS in there where there's actually room for both of you. You shouldn't be lying on the floor for hours trying to get your DS to sleep. And of course you should go to the toilet when you need to, otherwise you're going to end up with a nasty infection.

Randommother · 18/02/2022 06:52

I’m going to be really blunt here - is your husband not helping out at night, as he isn’t able to? Have you set a standard and an expectation he can’t meet?, are you always getting in first because you feel your child needs you? The fact you’ll “torture yourself trying to lie perfectly still” makes me think that perhaps your dh may feel he can’t help out. The 2 of you need to discuss this, he has to step up, but you need to be prepared to step down too xx

20viona · 18/02/2022 07:03

Gotta agree with @TheRealityCheque here. This whole scenario is bonkers.
Husband should help more.
Calpol in warm milk is crackers
Lying like a statue for 4 hours holding your wee is insane.
Crying won't harm them.

CottonSock · 18/02/2022 07:13

Some people need to wee urgently when woken up, i know as I'm one of those people.
I do understand though as this same scene once happened in our house. My dd had vomited so i asked dh to stay and he needed a wee.

Imdonna · 18/02/2022 07:21

My mum often said how dad did very little during the night with me and dbro

The actual story was that dad was quite happy to do night feeds (where possible due to shift work) but that mum would get up anyway and then insist it had to be done her way. They would both end up knackered and there was no point.

I adored my mum. But did this alot. Complained no one helped with cooking, but you had to cook a meal how she said. It was never that one was right or wrong. It was just her way. So we all got fed up of doing things.

Dad retired and gor a new job PT, mum wasn't in the best health and he did most of thevhouse work and cooking. He was actually very capable. But mum would still moan it wasn't done right. When she was in a telaxed mood she would admit that everything was fine, but she just wanted it done her way. The problem is people then disengage and dont try to help unless asked. She also took things to extreme because she felt that what mums do.

She definitely would have not gone to the toilet and tortured herself. Then we would all here about how much pain she put herself in. I haven't made her sound great, but she actually was Grin

I suspect he is more laid back. You are the opposite. He may be shit. But he may also have just stepped back because you are ap extreme.

I don't say this to mean. But you sound stressed and miserable. You are actively harming yourself, in a misguided attempt at doing 'what mums do'. Its not what mums do. It's what some mums do, that doesnt make it right. Adults are allowed to pee. Your son was safe but upset, in part, because he isn't used to being left. But he was really OK.

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 07:25

How old is he? He shouldn't be having calpol regularly enough for this to be a routine.

Are you sure it's not just actually the milk he wants?

Get a bottle warmer and a mini fridge in his bedroom.

LadyNell · 18/02/2022 07:27

Not being nasty with my previous post its just that you said he was always ill and the hysterical crying etc would concern me

LadyNell · 18/02/2022 07:28

Unless of course you are aware of why but you haven't stated in your OP

cptartapp · 18/02/2022 07:31

I think your DH not stepping up to help (bet this isn't unusual) is far worse than leaving a child crying for you to go to the loo.
Stop being such a martyr to everyone. Your needs matter.

Applebrewsterstea · 18/02/2022 07:32

Two flasks, one with hot water, one with cold milk, and the calpol all upstairs and ready every night, and any other bowls etc spoons needed to make it up would be my suggestion. Hope the little one grows out of it soon. 💐

SlashBeef · 18/02/2022 07:33

You're not going to be able to keep this up with a newborn without making yourself unwell. You need to chill a bit. It's okay if your child cries sometimes. Your DH also needs to step up for night times.

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 07:34

@girlmom21

How old is he? He shouldn't be having calpol regularly enough for this to be a routine.

Are you sure it's not just actually the milk he wants?

Get a bottle warmer and a mini fridge in his bedroom.

He's 2 and I don't give him the milk very regularly in the night. He hasn't done night feeds for about a year.

Thanks for the comments everyone. Much food for thought. I'm really not trying to be a martyr. I just really want to sleep and avoid needing to take trips to hospital, as it's stressful and my husband gets grumpy. It's just been quite scary driving to hospital and being worried my child would die on the way there because the breathing was so bad. I'm scared by that experience, but I must remember that it does not happen every time.

Husband thinks I go in to the room too much for sure. He could be right. But I'm not sure what to do when DS cries at 2 am. I do ignore him for quite a while, to see if he goes back to sleep. But since starting nursery it's happening a lot.

I don't know if it's just because he wants me there if if he's actually not feeling well! I'm really at a loss as fo why it happens all the time now. Anyone ?

OP posts:
GreyGoose1980 · 18/02/2022 07:34

It doesn’t sound like your DH pulls his weight with parenting DS. I’d be more annoyed about him never getting up at night than I would him putting DS in the cot if he needed to pee urgently.

BurntO · 18/02/2022 07:35

Toddler is perfectly safe to left in bed while you leave the room for a minute.

Your OH is a lazy shit however, can’t believe he just stays in bed and you say nothing Confused

RedHelenB · 18/02/2022 07:36

@justhowuseless

DS has started nursery recently and is often ill ( almost always ).

He's often awake in the night and crying. So I go into his room and stay with him to try to calm him down. I put him with me in the bed in his room and try to comfort him.

Tonight he's been awake since 1 am and just tossing and turning and crying a little bit sometimes. When this happens, I know that if I leave to go to the bathroom or to get milk for him or calpol, he will get very upset. So I often just hold it if I need to go to the bathroom, for hours. It's what us mother do.

In any case, it just kept getting layer and he wasn't settling so I really need to get him Calpol, as the crying is getting worse and he must be in some kind of pain. Husband obviously never gets up for any of it and I also don't wake him up. But toddler is screaming quite loudly now, so husband must be awake- but still not coming to see if he can help or anything. I therefore call out to him and ask him to come in and stay with DS while I go and get milk and Calpol. He says ok..

While I'm downstairs I can hear DS wailing completely hysterically now, much worse than before and by the time I get back, husband is in the toilet and has just chucked DS in his cot and opened his sleeping bag. The very thing I had tried to avoid, was leaving him, as I know it would make it worse.

I tell husband what are you doing, I told you to stay with him and husband is like, but I needed to go to the toilet. I'm totally fucked off. What was the point. I could also have just chucked DS in his bed and left the room.

Am I being too much or does this once again show how selfish my husband is ?

I'm with your husband on this, you are neighbour mummy and that's not in the best interests of your child.
BABAHOTEL · 18/02/2022 07:37

@Rainbowqueeen

If you are very pregnant then DH should be taking over at night the majority of the time. Both he and DS need to get used to a new routine before the new baby comes. Otherwise you are heading towards a really difficult time.
This, he's going to have to do it when the baby arrives so may as well start now.

Although, you're going to have to learn that he will do it his way which might mean the child is left whilst he fetches milk, goes to the loo etc.

Original poster
justhowuseless · 18/02/2022 07:37

@LadyNell

I'd be more concerned about your son quire honestly sounds like he needs to go to the doctor if he's ill all the time
I keep calling the docs and he's been seen in hospital too. They say he's just getting viral infections all the time and has recurrent croup with those quite often. Apparently you can't do anything about it !

When they have breathing problems, you just have to bring them to a and e for steroids in the middle of the night (if that's when they have the problem). He's had breathing problems in the day too, which wasn't as stressful, as the GP gave steroids. But when it happens in the night, it's very scary and exhausting.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 18/02/2022 07:40

Meant to be martyr mummy.

GreyGoose1980 · 18/02/2022 07:41

Just seen you are pregnant OP. Are you able to get anyone to look after DS so you and DP can take some time out to go for lunch / dinner and have a good chat about sharing tasks more equally going forward once you also have a newborn to consider.